I want to get away from friend groups/communities with this specific type of woman: where to go?

[Anonymous]

How is it possible to *find* people like this without actively hunting for them?

Are you looking for the cool, chill, elite country club to join???

[Anonymous]

It's interesting that they keep trying to recruit you. These women always HATE me and I don't know why.
I volunteered at an event being run by one of these. At the end I approached her and said "Kitchens all clean. You did a great job organizing the craft fair" and she replied "Thank you SO much. Compliments from YOU are what make it all worthwhile" as her minions giggled. I spent the next week wracking my brain trying to think of how I might have offended her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is envious of the queen B because she wants to be the queen B but can't hack it.

Try not being a B.

Wow, very helpful post.

[Anonymous]

man's perspective - if women fitting this description are attractive, which they usually are, the bossy, queen bee thing is super hot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Prattle man/woman has been here forever.

Not forever. Just since 2011.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting that they keep trying to recruit you. These women always HATE me and I don't know why.
I volunteered at an event being run by one of these. At the end I approached her and said "Kitchens all clean. You did a great job organizing the craft fair" and she replied "Thank you SO much. Compliments from YOU are what make it all worthwhile" as her minions giggled. I spent the next week wracking my brain trying to think of how I might have offended her.

She's either a rude kahnt, or you did actually do some BS and didn't realize it/don't want to admit it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any tips for how I find a woman like this? I'm a woman with major mommy issues (mine was extremely emotionally distant and hateful towards me and either tried to set me up to fail or ignored me, according to her whim). I'm not even kidding. I actually love overbearing women who take me under their wing and I feel a deep lack of one in my life right now.

OP here. I honestly wish I could meet you IRL and hand off the ones in my life to you. You are exactly what they are looking for. My dad was distant and disdainful, but my mom was overbearing in much the way these women are. I do think that's why I attract them -- I spent so much of my childhood appeasing a woman with these tendencies and I think I just fall into it sometimes and they like it. But the result is that they will attempt to "guide" and "mold" me the way my mom always used to, and I will emotionally feel the way I did as a teenager when I realized how much I hated being controlled in that way (and the inherent judgment implied by someone constantly telling you "no, do it like *this*"). It's just never a good situation but every few years I seem to encounter a woman like this who latches on to me and tries to turn me into her sidekick or minion. I've learned to detach and avoid but that's also work. I just want a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:man's perspective - if women fitting this description are attractive, which they usually are, the bossy, queen bee thing is super hot.

Definitely not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting that they keep trying to recruit you. These women always HATE me and I don't know why.
I volunteered at an event being run by one of these. At the end I approached her and said "Kitchens all clean. You did a great job organizing the craft fair" and she replied "Thank you SO much. Compliments from YOU are what make it all worthwhile" as her minions giggled. I spent the next week wracking my brain trying to think of how I might have offended her.

I think I know. By complimenting her, you suggested that you're in a position to evaluate her efforts (big no no). In an ultra-competitive person's worldview, that's a subtle way of suggesting you're her equal (bigger no no) or even elevating yourself above her (biggest no no). Also, calling attention to the fact that you cleaned the kitchen might have been perceived as a way of trying to seize glory for yourself when you should've been admiring her for all that she did.

I'm the PP with mommy issues and my mom was like this. The only way to get on the good side of person like this is to talk to them the way you would a Very Important Person. Speak when spoken to, smile a lot, and let them steer the conversation. Tiring, I know.

[Anonymous]

You're babbling, dear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting that they keep trying to recruit you. These women always HATE me and I don't know why.
I volunteered at an event being run by one of these. At the end I approached her and said "Kitchens all clean. You did a great job organizing the craft fair" and she replied "Thank you SO much. Compliments from YOU are what make it all worthwhile" as her minions giggled. I spent the next week wracking my brain trying to think of how I might have offended her.

OP again. Sometimes they do hate me, too. I actually think I used to get that response more, just by being myself. And then their hate would make me feel awful -- like you, I'd sit around trying to figure out what I'd done and how to fix it. I then overcorrected by becoming more passive around them, and then the passivity makes them want to take me under their wing. I just want to be left alone. I feel like you can't win with someone like this unless you are willing to play a specific role in their life (rival or minion) and I don't want either.

I have some good friends who are not like this but just don't see them enough. My work, kid's school, and neighborhood all have women like this and it feels stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting that they keep trying to recruit you. These women always HATE me and I don't know why.
I volunteered at an event being run by one of these. At the end I approached her and said "Kitchens all clean. You did a great job organizing the craft fair" and she replied "Thank you SO much. Compliments from YOU are what make it all worthwhile" as her minions giggled. I spent the next week wracking my brain trying to think of how I might have offended her.

I think I know. By complimenting her, you suggested that you're in a position to evaluate her efforts (big no no). In an ultra-competitive person's worldview, that's a subtle way of suggesting you're her equal (bigger no no) or even elevating yourself above her (biggest no no). Also, calling attention to the fact that you cleaned the kitchen might have been perceived as a way of trying to seize glory for yourself when you should've been admiring her for all that she did.

I'm the PP with mommy issues and my mom was like this. The only way to get on the good side of person like this is to talk to them the way you would a Very Important Person. Speak when spoken to, smile a lot, and let them steer the conversation. Tiring, I know.

I think you're exactly right. You are a social wizard! I wish I had you on my shoulder because I'm always making faux pas like these.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any tips for how I find a woman like this? I'm a woman with major mommy issues (mine was extremely emotionally distant and hateful towards me and either tried to set me up to fail or ignored me, according to her whim). I'm not even kidding. I actually love overbearing women who take me under their wing and I feel a deep lack of one in my life right now.

OP here. I honestly wish I could meet you IRL and hand off the ones in my life to you. You are exactly what they are looking for. My dad was distant and disdainful, but my mom was overbearing in much the way these women are. I do think that's why I attract them -- I spent so much of my childhood appeasing a woman with these tendencies and I think I just fall into it sometimes and they like it. But the result is that they will attempt to "guide" and "mold" me the way my mom always used to, and I will emotionally feel the way I did as a teenager when I realized how much I hated being controlled in that way (and the inherent judgment implied by someone constantly telling you "no, do it like *this*"). It's just never a good situation but every few years I seem to encounter a woman like this who latches on to me and tries to turn me into her sidekick or minion. I've learned to detach and avoid but that's also work. I just want a break.

PP here. It's cracking me up how we had the same parent dynamic, but in reverse. I attract very overbearing men who want to completely make over my entire existence and I end up rebelling against them and running away while they tighten their deathgrip. Basically, I attract the male equivalent of the women you attract and I'm similarly repelled by these men. That was my dynamic with my father.

With women, I end up performing for their love while they stand back and eye me critically without offering any help or kindness. The exact same way my mother used to. I really just want them to take me under their wing and spend time with me. I'm always trying to heal that mommy wound that taught me women don't find me worthwhile. I'm aware of this now in my 40s.

Is your dynamic with men similar to your dynamic with your distant father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t actually know anyone like that. But we’re kind of middle class.

OP here. We are not "kind of" middle class. We are middle class. We own a tiny home we bought for under 500k when rates were really low and cannot afford to fix it up or to move. We have extremely normal jobs with no power or prestige. Public schools, modest backgrounds. I work in a field with a lot of jobs in the DC area due to the federal government and all the universities, which is how we wound up here, but it's not a glamorous field at all.

My perception is that a lot of the people I encounter like this only make slightly more than we do, but either have a spouse making a lot or have money from family. We don't live in NW DC or one of the pricy suburbs. I assume this issue is even worse in those communities, but I'll never find out because we could never afford to live there, nor will we ever send our kids to any of these elite privates (or any private school) or get them involved in any super expensive EC. But even in our very middle class existence, I encounter people like this a lot.

It must be you. I posted upthread and live in CCDC and haven't encountered this dynamic in any friendships or relationships.

It’s not just your neighbors though. It’s also professional and activity driven. For example, I meet this type of woman preparing for her triathlon as she trains at Wilson pool.

IDK. I guess I'm not bothered by someone training for a triathalon. I'm not sure how this impacts me in any way.

[Anonymous]

You can have it here but you are probably the same way so that's who you associate with. You probably don't notice other mom's who aren't in the popular mom groups.