Dating scene at state schools

[Anonymous]

Butt out Karen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is happy socially and academically but not with the guy scene. It’s either hookup culture or eveyone has bf from HS. This should have been an obvious issue but was overlooked. Would you suggest transferring to a private or smaller school. Is it better in the northeast? Or Midwest? Or should we be glad she’s thriving socially. I don’t want her to then be friendless and looking for a relationship. She had a bf in HS.
Her school is very in state heavy.

what region is she in now?

FYI, this is why parents send their kids to those #30-70 private schools

dcum has been one of the very few college message boards that for decade+ has talked about the dating/mating aspects of college selection.

What a stupid post - met my surgeon wife at a school you would scoff at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can speak for my daughter and she's not looking for a boyfriend as she also doesn't have much time but would love to just have coffee or lunch or go running with a guy on occasion.
She doesn't drink much and she's not looking for drunken sex or hook-ups.

Anyway, the boys at her school are not doing any asking so as of a few weeks ago she's been asking them to do things and they always respond yes. One has turned into an ongoing hang-out.

gen alpha / gen z must go 50/50 on this if they want to succeed. especially if they want to target guys that just don't want to hit.

[Anonymous]

Is there seriously hook up culture at Ivies, NESCAC, and small privates? BU BC Tufts Lehigh?

Seems most have serious relationships quickly and they stick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a kid and college who was a freshman and could have written the first part of this period. The report is exactly the same: you either came in with a significant other from high school, or it’s just about hooking up. That is not my kids child, so it’s a little frustrating, but it’s also only November a freshman year. My kid would not consider transferring just for that reason.

Is she south?

Nope. Mid-west state school

If the colors are Maize and Blue, my recommendation is for your daughter to ask guys to join study sessions and for coffees just to chat. My son says that other than girls going to frat parties (which he doesn't participate in), it's not clear who is looking. He also says that there is a lot of LGBTQ identification and he is not sure who is het and it's awkward to find out who is open to the idea. My son follows the rest of his family in not liking to drink although he is quite social. So he won't be found at bars/clubs.

I tried subtly asking out a guy in college but he didn't accept. It was a good experience. I learned what guys are more likely to learn about giving it a try, keeping it light, and not having hard feelings. I think every girl should give it a try.

Good luck to your DD.

Ha! I shall pass that along. The boys she has met in her classes do have girlfriends already, but it's good to have friends of the opposite sex. I think in the beginning, in the classes that weren't group based, she chose to sit with other girls and that has resulted in some nice friendships. Apparently, people don't mingle/change seats. I think there's a learning curve for boys and girls at this age b/c it's so different from high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is at UVA and her friend group of about 10 girls have not dated at all (no one has ever asked or approached them) and her friends at Michigan and Wisconsin aren't dating either but her impression is that none are hooking up either. There is just almost no interaction with the opposite sex which my daughter finds weird after having many male friends and some dates at her high school.
Her NESCAC and other small school friends seem to be dating more but this could just be hooking up--I don't know or ask for details.

It does feel like to them that they missed the boat if they didn't arrive at college with a boyfriend. No one is breaking up because I think social media and texting make long distance so easy and more importantly the kids realize that there is no dating going on so if they want any sort of romantic (or frankly physical action) they need to stick with the high school flame.

This all seems to be driven by the gender imbalance. There are just many more girls than boys. And not even by pure numbers but by the numbers of kids are are attractive, social and as such are viewed as desirable dating material. There is an endless stream of good-looking, smart and put-together girls while on the boy front many of the conventionally attractive ones are bros/drunks and then you have the awkward ones and there are very few in the middle. I will say that my daughter has been broadening her idea of who she thinks is attractive and eligible dating material. She has a current crush and he is geeky and also a different race than she is. She asked him to do something and he was like "sure!" I'm proud of her for expanding her horizons. Hopefully she'll at least find a new friend.

white girls at t30's are going to have to date interracially if they want solid relationships without hookups/open-relationships and aren't top tier in looks.

white guys who are conventionally attractive at t30s have their pick of the litter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is at UVA and her friend group of about 10 girls have not dated at all (no one has ever asked or approached them) and her friends at Michigan and Wisconsin aren't dating either but her impression is that none are hooking up either. There is just almost no interaction with the opposite sex which my daughter finds weird after having many male friends and some dates at her high school.
Her NESCAC and other small school friends seem to be dating more but this could just be hooking up--I don't know or ask for details.

It does feel like to them that they missed the boat if they didn't arrive at college with a boyfriend. No one is breaking up because I think social media and texting make long distance so easy and more importantly the kids realize that there is no dating going on so if they want any sort of romantic (or frankly physical action) they need to stick with the high school flame.

This all seems to be driven by the gender imbalance. There are just many more girls than boys. And not even by pure numbers but by the numbers of kids are are attractive, social and as such are viewed as desirable dating material. There is an endless stream of good-looking, smart and put-together girls while on the boy front many of the conventionally attractive ones are bros/drunks and then you have the awkward ones and there are very few in the middle. I will say that my daughter has been broadening her idea of who she thinks is attractive and eligible dating material. She has a current crush and he is geeky and also a different race than she is. She asked him to do something and he was like "sure!" I'm proud of her for expanding her horizons. Hopefully she'll at least find a new friend.

white girls at t30's are going to have to date interracially if they want solid relationships without hookups/open-relationships and aren't top tier in looks.

white guys who are conventionally attractive at t30s have their pick of the litter.

It has far less to do with some higher degree of looks and more to do with putting it out there and being super extroverted and sexy (often while drinking). These are the girls who get the attention of the conventionally attractive guys. I'm the mom of a college boy and watch it with my son's friends. Many girls exceed the looks bar. It's how you sell yourself that leads to the male attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is at UVA and her friend group of about 10 girls have not dated at all (no one has ever asked or approached them) and her friends at Michigan and Wisconsin aren't dating either but her impression is that none are hooking up either. There is just almost no interaction with the opposite sex which my daughter finds weird after having many male friends and some dates at her high school.
Her NESCAC and other small school friends seem to be dating more but this could just be hooking up--I don't know or ask for details.

It does feel like to them that they missed the boat if they didn't arrive at college with a boyfriend. No one is breaking up because I think social media and texting make long distance so easy and more importantly the kids realize that there is no dating going on so if they want any sort of romantic (or frankly physical action) they need to stick with the high school flame.

This all seems to be driven by the gender imbalance. There are just many more girls than boys. And not even by pure numbers but by the numbers of kids are are attractive, social and as such are viewed as desirable dating material. There is an endless stream of good-looking, smart and put-together girls while on the boy front many of the conventionally attractive ones are bros/drunks and then you have the awkward ones and there are very few in the middle. I will say that my daughter has been broadening her idea of who she thinks is attractive and eligible dating material. She has a current crush and he is geeky and also a different race than she is. She asked him to do something and he was like "sure!" I'm proud of her for expanding her horizons. Hopefully she'll at least find a new friend.

white girls at t30's are going to have to date interracially if they want solid relationships without hookups/open-relationships and aren't top tier in looks.

white guys who are conventionally attractive at t30s have their pick of the litter.

Why though? How do they have the pick of the litter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can speak for my daughter and she's not looking for a boyfriend as she also doesn't have much time but would love to just have coffee or lunch or go running with a guy on occasion.
She doesn't drink much and she's not looking for drunken sex or hook-ups.

Anyway, the boys at her school are not doing any asking so as of a few weeks ago she's been asking them to do things and they always respond yes. One has turned into an ongoing hang-out.

That's my freshman DD's experience as well. No dating but plenty of boys to do things with. She is at a Midwestern school where men slightly outnumber women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is at UVA and her friend group of about 10 girls have not dated at all (no one has ever asked or approached them) and her friends at Michigan and Wisconsin aren't dating either but her impression is that none are hooking up either. There is just almost no interaction with the opposite sex which my daughter finds weird after having many male friends and some dates at her high school.
Her NESCAC and other small school friends seem to be dating more but this could just be hooking up--I don't know or ask for details.

It does feel like to them that they missed the boat if they didn't arrive at college with a boyfriend. No one is breaking up because I think social media and texting make long distance so easy and more importantly the kids realize that there is no dating going on so if they want any sort of romantic (or frankly physical action) they need to stick with the high school flame.

This all seems to be driven by the gender imbalance. There are just many more girls than boys. And not even by pure numbers but by the numbers of kids are are attractive, social and as such are viewed as desirable dating material. There is an endless stream of good-looking, smart and put-together girls while on the boy front many of the conventionally attractive ones are bros/drunks and then you have the awkward ones and there are very few in the middle. I will say that my daughter has been broadening her idea of who she thinks is attractive and eligible dating material. She has a current crush and he is geeky and also a different race than she is. She asked him to do something and he was like "sure!" I'm proud of her for expanding her horizons. Hopefully she'll at least find a new friend.

white girls at t30's are going to have to date interracially if they want solid relationships without hookups/open-relationships and aren't top tier in looks.

white guys who are conventionally attractive at t30s have their pick of the litter.

Why though? How do they have the pick of the litter?

because white boys who are conventionally attractive are in extremely low supply at t30's.

and men are more willing to date/hook up interracially in general so your competition is ratcheted up big time.

If you are a umc white girl that went to a large public high school and then t30, you'll quickly find the pool is a lot different and the competition is a lot more fierce than what you were used to demographically speaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there seriously hook up culture at Ivies, NESCAC, and small privates? BU BC Tufts Lehigh?

Seems most have serious relationships quickly and they stick.

Are you mad? Of course there is, it's been there since the 90s when I went to school. Private school students are no more emotionally mature than those who go to publics, no matter what you tell yourself. In fact, I think some of my Ivy classmates were even more emotionally dysregulated than my public high school classmates, since they were not accustomed to people telling them no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Transfer in hopes of finding a boyfriend? Are you serious?

+1
Now I’ve heard everything. My kids are at state schools and have no issues with dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m more concerned. she’s ok for now. It’s not about having a boyfriend per se, but seemingly lack of quality guys period. Just more hookup and party. I would have loved ot see her a private school but he likely wouldn’t have gotten in in this landscape and only wanted warm.

Private schools really aren’t different when it comes to dating. Plenty of hookups there and carryover long term relationships. College in general is a big hookup culture, regardless of which college or location, especially freshman year.

+1
Private vs public has zero to do with the college dating scene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m more concerned. she’s ok for now. It’s not about having a boyfriend per se, but seemingly lack of quality guys period. Just more hookup and party. I would have loved ot see her a private school but he likely wouldn’t have gotten in in this landscape and only wanted warm.

Private schools really aren’t different when it comes to dating. Plenty of hookups there and carryover long term relationships. College in general is a big hookup culture, regardless of which college or location, especially freshman year.

+1
Private vs public has zero to do with the college dating scene.

Except its easier to meet people
at the smaller schools because your classes are much smaller. My state school freshman is in lectures of 100-500 kids. Her NESAC friends are in lectures of 20. They have met guys with far more ease and have been asked out although I wonder if the pool will quickly seem shallow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is happy socially and academically but not with the guy scene. It’s either hookup culture or eveyone has bf from HS. This should have been an obvious issue but was overlooked. Would you suggest transferring to a private or smaller school. Is it better in the northeast? Or Midwest? Or should we be glad she’s thriving socially. I don’t want her to then be friendless and looking for a relationship. She had a bf in HS.
Her school is very in state heavy.

This screams so desperate it's not even funny. And how does friendless and looking for a relationship even correlate? Why doesn't she focus on looking for friends first? Good grief.

Exactly. Maybe all of these girls who can't find a quality boy to be in a relationship with should learn something from those boys. The last thing I would want for my son (or daughter) at college is to be tied down to a relationship. Maybe the boys have figured that out and are just focused on themselves right now and learning how to be independent. Maybe the girls should be focused on the same thing.

+1
My DD attends VT where there are plenty of great guys. She has been on a few dates, but mostly enjoys her independence being single but still having a great group of friends - both girls and guys. She and her roommates are best friends with the guys who live next door in their neighborhood and that seems to work for all of them. I don’t think she’ll want a serious relationship until she’s out of college and working or in grad school.