DS, 19, hasn't had a GF and now says he's asexual

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is social, smart, good looking, cool and hip and generally gets along very well in life. He's never had a girlfriend, though he has many female friends who flirt with him. As he's gotten older I get the sense he might be on the spectrum, because he's become very rigid in his thinking. When we ask him why he doesn't date, he says he doesn't see the point, that it seems like too much effort for something he doesn't really care about. He doesn't even hook up at parties, and recently he told us that he thinks he's asexual. (And no, he's not gay, we've talked about that too.) Is this common or is it another phase that boys go through? DH and I are both very surprised.

No, it’s not common. It’s a sexual deviance, by definition. But it happens. Take him at his word. Assume there won’t be grandchildren from his seed in the future. Adjust your will accordingly.

Not wanting to have sex is not a sexual deviance.

Yes, it is. By definition. It deviates from the norm. So it is a deviancy.

Thank you for the statistics lesson, Captain Rigid. But flexible thinkers understand that the word "deviance" carries a negative connotation, and that is what we are responding to.

OP, just support him. And he may end up with a partner anyway. Just because someone is asexual doesn't mean they don't form emotional attachments. Sexual attraction is just one part of a relationship.

Well, being asexual IS deviant in the negative connotations sense, too. It's just plain weird, abnormal and anti-social.

[Anonymous]

It’s pretty common now to say that. I think it’s a way to sidestep questions and have your peers stop harassing you about who you should ask out. Just let him be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is social, smart, good looking, cool and hip and generally gets along very well in life. He's never had a girlfriend, though he has many female friends who flirt with him. As he's gotten older I get the sense he might be on the spectrum, because he's become very rigid in his thinking. When we ask him why he doesn't date, he says he doesn't see the point, that it seems like too much effort for something he doesn't really care about. He doesn't even hook up at parties, and recently he told us that he thinks he's asexual. (And no, he's not gay, we've talked about that too.) Is this common or is it another phase that boys go through? DH and I are both very surprised.

No, it’s not common. It’s a sexual deviance, by definition. But it happens. Take him at his word. Assume there won’t be grandchildren from his seed in the future. Adjust your will accordingly.

Not wanting to have sex is not a sexual deviance.

Yes, it is. By definition. It deviates from the norm. So it is a deviancy.

Thank you for the statistics lesson, Captain Rigid. But flexible thinkers understand that the word "deviance" carries a negative connotation, and that is what we are responding to.

OP, just support him. And he may end up with a partner anyway. Just because someone is asexual doesn't mean they don't form emotional attachments. Sexual attraction is just one part of a relationship.

Well, being asexual IS deviant in the negative connotations sense, too. It's just plain weird, abnormal and anti-social.

It's actually more normal to care about a person's soul and wellbeing than how you can use them for your own pleasure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is social, smart, good looking, cool and hip and generally gets along very well in life. He's never had a girlfriend, though he has many female friends who flirt with him. As he's gotten older I get the sense he might be on the spectrum, because he's become very rigid in his thinking. When we ask him why he doesn't date, he says he doesn't see the point, that it seems like too much effort for something he doesn't really care about. He doesn't even hook up at parties, and recently he told us that he thinks he's asexual. (And no, he's not gay, we've talked about that too.) Is this common or is it another phase that boys go through? DH and I are both very surprised.

No, it’s not common. It’s a sexual deviance, by definition. But it happens. Take him at his word. Assume there won’t be grandchildren from his seed in the future. Adjust your will accordingly.

Not wanting to have sex is not a sexual deviance.

Yes, it is. By definition. It deviates from the norm. So it is a deviancy.

We have no idea how common it is because there is so much social pressure to have sexual desire and engage in sexual activity.

I remember when a relative my age decided to become clergy. In our religion, clergy are celibate. That person giving up sex forever upset people far more than taking a vow of poverty.

We do know. It’s 1% according to Kinsey and others.

It is abnormal. Hence, it is a deviancy. It deviates from the norm.

Whatever. The world would be a better place if it were a higher percentage. Think of all the crappy things people do because of and for sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is social, smart, good looking, cool and hip and generally gets along very well in life. He's never had a girlfriend, though he has many female friends who flirt with him. As he's gotten older I get the sense he might be on the spectrum, because he's become very rigid in his thinking. When we ask him why he doesn't date, he says he doesn't see the point, that it seems like too much effort for something he doesn't really care about. He doesn't even hook up at parties, and recently he told us that he thinks he's asexual. (And no, he's not gay, we've talked about that too.) Is this common or is it another phase that boys go through? DH and I are both very surprised.

No, it’s not common. It’s a sexual deviance, by definition. But it happens. Take him at his word. Assume there won’t be grandchildren from his seed in the future. Adjust your will accordingly.

Not wanting to have sex is not a sexual deviance.

Yes, it is. By definition. It deviates from the norm. So it is a deviancy.

Thank you for the statistics lesson, Captain Rigid. But flexible thinkers understand that the word "deviance" carries a negative connotation, and that is what we are responding to.

OP, just support him. And he may end up with a partner anyway. Just because someone is asexual doesn't mean they don't form emotional attachments. Sexual attraction is just one part of a relationship.

Well, being asexual IS deviant in the negative connotations sense, too. It's just plain weird, abnormal and anti-social.

Based on this mean post, the weird anti-social one is you. Unfortunately, a-holes like you are quite common. If only you were a 1%.

[Anonymous]

To the OP: I would wait and see and just be supportive. When I was 19, I declared to my mom that I never wanted to get get married. I was just a late bloomer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Ok, honey. Thanks of telling us. Is there anything else you’d like us to know? Anything you need from us?”

That’s about it - unless he wants more from you.

My kid went through something similar. He’s had friends morph in and out of these things, too. Some stay, some don’t. Just nod, ask the occasional question, be supportive as much as your comfortable, and most of all be happy that your kid is talking to you!

Exactly this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s pretty common now to say that. I think it’s a way to sidestep questions and have your peers stop harassing you about who you should ask out. Just let him be.

There’s a huge difference between voluntarily celibate and asexual. If a person is really asexual, they won’t be masturbating or have the desire to do so. I think for young males that’s pretty uncommon—or at least more rare than people opting out of the sex/dating scene due to other reasons. But it’s really not something OP can ask her son, and it doesn’t really matter for her. She just needs to say okay and wait it out. Even people who are asexual sometimes marry and have kids because they want a family even if the sex is not a priority for them.

Also lol a bit at the parent whose son took an art class and wasn’t aroused by the models — only because I took an art class when I was 20 and the nude models would put anyone off sex for a while. One was a wrinkled old grandpa so we could get experience sketching sags and bulges and such. I think I still have a little ptsd from drawing his penis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Ok, honey. Thanks of telling us. Is there anything else you’d like us to know? Anything you need from us?”

That’s about it - unless he wants more from you.

My kid went through something similar. He’s had friends morph in and out of these things, too. Some stay, some don’t. Just nod, ask the occasional question, be supportive as much as your comfortable, and most of all be happy that your kid is talking to you!

This is one of those few "perfect answers" on DCUM. I love this, excellent advice, all around. And yes most of all, be happy your kid is talking to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is social, smart, good looking, cool and hip and generally gets along very well in life. He's never had a girlfriend, though he has many female friends who flirt with him. As he's gotten older I get the sense he might be on the spectrum, because he's become very rigid in his thinking. When we ask him why he doesn't date, he says he doesn't see the point, that it seems like too much effort for something he doesn't really care about. He doesn't even hook up at parties, and recently he told us that he thinks he's asexual. (And no, he's not gay, we've talked about that too.) Is this common or is it another phase that boys go through? DH and I are both very surprised.

No, it’s not common. It’s a sexual deviance, by definition. But it happens. Take him at his word. Assume there won’t be grandchildren from his seed in the future. Adjust your will accordingly.

Not wanting to have sex is not a sexual deviance.

Yes, it is. By definition. It deviates from the norm. So it is a deviancy.

Thank you for the statistics lesson, Captain Rigid. But flexible thinkers understand that the word "deviance" carries a negative connotation, and that is what we are responding to.

OP, just support him. And he may end up with a partner anyway. Just because someone is asexual doesn't mean they don't form emotional attachments. Sexual attraction is just one part of a relationship.

Well, being asexual IS deviant in the negative connotations sense, too. It's just plain weird, abnormal and anti-social.

When you hear the phrase “sexual deviant”, what springs to mind is creeps in raincoats flashing little girls, or necrophilia/zoophilia, or nonconsensual BDSM. Asexual people do none of these things. I’m not sure you can technically call them “deviants” in an activity they don’t participate in. I wouldn’t call a teetotaler a problem drinker or abnormal.

As for anti-social, they’re just as social as anyone else. They go to parties. They have friends. They’re not hurting anyone. You seem to have some weird bigoted need to hate on them.

[Anonymous]

Don't pay any attention to this. Just make sure that your son had friends, is healthy, has healthy habits and he is concentrating on his career. More than that he does not require at this young age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is social, smart, good looking, cool and hip and generally gets along very well in life. He's never had a girlfriend, though he has many female friends who flirt with him. As he's gotten older I get the sense he might be on the spectrum, because he's become very rigid in his thinking. When we ask him why he doesn't date, he says he doesn't see the point, that it seems like too much effort for something he doesn't really care about. He doesn't even hook up at parties, and recently he told us that he thinks he's asexual. (And no, he's not gay, we've talked about that too.) Is this common or is it another phase that boys go through? DH and I are both very surprised.

It's another less derogatory word for incel.
He probably finds most younger girls too toxic due to social media influence, feminism, etc.
He might try dating older women for awhile, 30-40s to get some dating experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people are just late bloomers or not into sex. He's 19, sex is complicated, and it probably really simplifies his life not to worry about it right now. Check back when he is 25-30.

I think with my 18 year old son it's a combination of being a late bloomer and not wanting any additional stress in his life right now (high achiever focused on academics and pre-professional things, which keep him very busy).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are just late bloomers or not into sex. He's 19, sex is complicated, and it probably really simplifies his life not to worry about it right now. Check back when he is 25-30.

I think with my 18 year old son it's a combination of being a late bloomer and not wanting any additional stress in his life right now (high achiever focused on academics and pre-professional things, which keep him very busy).

Putting academics before sex at that age would be a bit concerning. Might want to get some bloodwork done just in case something could be wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are just late bloomers or not into sex. He's 19, sex is complicated, and it probably really simplifies his life not to worry about it right now. Check back when he is 25-30.

I think with my 18 year old son it's a combination of being a late bloomer and not wanting any additional stress in his life right now (high achiever focused on academics and pre-professional things, which keep him very busy).

Putting academics before sex at that age would be a bit concerning. Might want to get some bloodwork done just in case something could be wrong.

Is this sarcasm?