DS, 19, hasn't had a GF and now says he's asexual

[Anonymous]

My brother has always said he never saw the point of dating. This year, at age 55, he surprised everyone by bringing home his first girlfriend (that we know of). And they are so great together.

I think the answer is to just let him be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is social, smart, good looking, cool and hip and generally gets along very well in life. He's never had a girlfriend, though he has many female friends who flirt with him. As he's gotten older I get the sense he might be on the spectrum, because he's become very rigid in his thinking. When we ask him why he doesn't date, he says he doesn't see the point, that it seems like too much effort for something he doesn't really care about. He doesn't even hook up at parties, and recently he told us that he thinks he's asexual. (And no, he's not gay, we've talked about that too.) Is this common or is it another phase that boys go through? DH and I are both very surprised.

No, it’s not common. It’s a sexual deviance, by definition. But it happens. Take him at his word. Assume there won’t be grandchildren from his seed in the future. Adjust your will accordingly.

Not wanting to have sex is not a sexual deviance.

Yes, it is. By definition. It deviates from the norm. So it is a deviancy.

Thank you for the statistics lesson, Captain Rigid. But flexible thinkers understand that the word "deviance" carries a negative connotation, and that is what we are responding to.

OP, just support him. And he may end up with a partner anyway. Just because someone is asexual doesn't mean they don't form emotional attachments. Sexual attraction is just one part of a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this happened to me. He's gay and doesn't want to tell you.

Not necessarily. This happened to me. DS later became happily married to a wonderful woman and we have several grandkids. Too much pressure around dating at that age.

Being married with kids does not mean not gay.

But yes late bloomers do exist

[Anonymous]

leave him alone 😭

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's weird that you know whether he hooks up at parties or not. Do kids really tell their parents this stuff? I'm a female and I never told my parents about anything of the sort (one way or other), and neither did my brothers. Pretty sure my peers didn't either. When you're 19, it's none of your parents' business. Do kids really come home and tell their parents this stuff??!!

This!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is social, smart, good looking, cool and hip and generally gets along very well in life. He's never had a girlfriend, though he has many female friends who flirt with him. As he's gotten older I get the sense he might be on the spectrum, because he's become very rigid in his thinking. When we ask him why he doesn't date, he says he doesn't see the point, that it seems like too much effort for something he doesn't really care about. He doesn't even hook up at parties, and recently he told us that he thinks he's asexual. (And no, he's not gay, we've talked about that too.) Is this common or is it another phase that boys go through? DH and I are both very surprised.

Teen females these days can be overly dramatic. Your son is smart to step back and wait till his twenties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this happened to me. He's gay and doesn't want to tell you.

Not necessarily. This happened to me. DS later became happily married to a wonderful woman and we have several grandkids. Too much pressure around dating at that age.

Being married with kids does not mean not gay.

But yes late bloomers do exist

Good Lord. You must be one of those people who makes being gay your entire personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this happened to me. He's gay and doesn't want to tell you.

Not necessarily. This happened to me. DS later became happily married to a wonderful woman and we have several grandkids. Too much pressure around dating at that age.

Being married with kids does not mean not gay.

But yes late bloomers do exist

Good Lord. You must be one of those people who makes being gay your entire personality.

NP here. Not sure where you came to that conclusion. There are gay people out there who are married with kids. In both gay marriages and male/female marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see the problem. If he is ok with himself and his life, why aren’t you?

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is social, smart, good looking, cool and hip and generally gets along very well in life. He's never had a girlfriend, though he has many female friends who flirt with him. As he's gotten older I get the sense he might be on the spectrum, because he's become very rigid in his thinking. When we ask him why he doesn't date, he says he doesn't see the point, that it seems like too much effort for something he doesn't really care about. He doesn't even hook up at parties, and recently he told us that he thinks he's asexual. (And no, he's not gay, we've talked about that too.) Is this common or is it another phase that boys go through? DH and I are both very surprised.

No, it’s not common. It’s a sexual deviance, by definition. But it happens. Take him at his word. Assume there won’t be grandchildren from his seed in the future. Adjust your will accordingly.

True: by definition it is a sexual deviance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is social, smart, good looking, cool and hip and generally gets along very well in life. He's never had a girlfriend, though he has many female friends who flirt with him. As he's gotten older I get the sense he might be on the spectrum, because he's become very rigid in his thinking. When we ask him why he doesn't date, he says he doesn't see the point, that it seems like too much effort for something he doesn't really care about. He doesn't even hook up at parties, and recently he told us that he thinks he's asexual. (And no, he's not gay, we've talked about that too.) Is this common or is it another phase that boys go through? DH and I are both very surprised.

No, it’s not common. It’s a sexual deviance, by definition. But it happens. Take him at his word. Assume there won’t be grandchildren from his seed in the future. Adjust your will accordingly.

True: by definition it is a sexual deviance.

Yes, and a very small percentage of people are asexual. He is part of the LGTBQIA+ rainbow (the “a” is for asexual).

[Anonymous]

My daughter said that in HS and she is a lesbian now in her freshman year.

[Anonymous]

OP: I have not read the responses because I fear what people are saying.

I was your son in female form. I dated a bit in HS, but not much. I was attracted to men but not interested in sex. I dated a bit but more for companionship and fun. I found the person I loved in my mid 30's, got married at 38, had one kid at 41. I didn't have sex until I was married and haven't had sex since after my kid was born. I have zero sex drive. I discussed this with therapists and my doctors, it is not something common but there are people like me running around.

Let your son decide who he is and live his life how he wants to. He might find someone who he is attracted one day and end up dating and getting married. He might not, it is ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this happened to me. He's gay and doesn't want to tell you.

Yeah, people all assumed I was a lesbian. I wasn't. I just had no sex drive and most of the people I would have dated in my teens and 20's wanted nothing to do with dating without sex. I get it, I wasn't offended, that is life. But I was never attracted to women.

He might not have a strong sex drive. He might not have found anyone who excites him and he doesn't want to date just to date. He may be gay and he may be straight and he may be bi, who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is social, smart, good looking, cool and hip and generally gets along very well in life. He's never had a girlfriend, though he has many female friends who flirt with him. As he's gotten older I get the sense he might be on the spectrum, because he's become very rigid in his thinking. When we ask him why he doesn't date, he says he doesn't see the point, that it seems like too much effort for something he doesn't really care about. He doesn't even hook up at parties, and recently he told us that he thinks he's asexual. (And no, he's not gay, we've talked about that too.) Is this common or is it another phase that boys go through? DH and I are both very surprised.

Teen females these days can be overly dramatic. Your son is smart to step back and wait till his twenties.

'Teen females' are you a robot?