DS, 19, hasn't had a GF and now says he's asexual

[Anonymous]

DS is social, smart, good looking, cool and hip and generally gets along very well in life. He's never had a girlfriend, though he has many female friends who flirt with him. As he's gotten older I get the sense he might be on the spectrum, because he's become very rigid in his thinking. When we ask him why he doesn't date, he says he doesn't see the point, that it seems like too much effort for something he doesn't really care about. He doesn't even hook up at parties, and recently he told us that he thinks he's asexual. (And no, he's not gay, we've talked about that too.) Is this common or is it another phase that boys go through? DH and I are both very surprised.

[Anonymous]

My husband and son are on the spectrum. My son is 20 and is nowhere near dating. My husband probably didn't date until quite late, and we got married when he was 39.

So... maybe one day, when you least expect it, he will bring you a significant other, and have kids. At least men have more time to procreate than women!

My husband's mother was absolutely delighted when he introduced us. She'd given up on him

[Anonymous]

I would put this in the category of "that's nice, dear." These young whipper-snappers like to label themselves and announce the label to everyone to see what reaction they get. So don't give him one.

[Anonymous]

It might be something that changes later in his life or it might not. Some people have little to no interest in sex or dating. It's not common, but it's within the realm of things that happen.

[Anonymous]

There is a lot of social pressure and expectation to date and to have relationships. Having a defence of I’m asexual allows one to save face. Just nod and smile.

[Anonymous]

“Ok, honey. Thanks of telling us. Is there anything else you’d like us to know? Anything you need from us?”

That’s about it - unless he wants more from you.

My kid went through something similar. He’s had friends morph in and out of these things, too. Some stay, some don’t. Just nod, ask the occasional question, be supportive as much as your comfortable, and most of all be happy that your kid is talking to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is social, smart, good looking, cool and hip and generally gets along very well in life. He's never had a girlfriend, though he has many female friends who flirt with him. As he's gotten older I get the sense he might be on the spectrum, because he's become very rigid in his thinking. When we ask him why he doesn't date, he says he doesn't see the point, that it seems like too much effort for something he doesn't really care about. He doesn't even hook up at parties, and recently he told us that he thinks he's asexual. (And no, he's not gay, we've talked about that too.) Is this common or is it another phase that boys go through? DH and I are both very surprised.

No, it’s not common. It’s a sexual deviance, by definition. But it happens. Take him at his word. Assume there won’t be grandchildren from his seed in the future. Adjust your will accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Is he on a ssri? Has DH asked him if physically everything is working?

[Anonymous]

Why are you bothering him about it? He's not that old. His brain hasn't finished developing yet. All it means is all his friends are more sexually active, but that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with him. I would leave him alone. Things will probably change as he gets older. People develop at different rates.

[Anonymous]

this happened to me. He's gay and doesn't want to tell you.

[Anonymous]

Some people are just late bloomers or not into sex. He's 19, sex is complicated, and it probably really simplifies his life not to worry about it right now. Check back when he is 25-30.

[Anonymous]

My DS1, who sounds similar in many ways (although I don't think he's on the spectrum), went thru a phase like that around the same age. But then as a senior in college during first covid spring, a very good friend morphed into a girlfriend, and I never heard anything about asexuality again. They dated for a few years, and since they broke up he's dated a few other women. I do think he is pretty picky and also seems very interested in finding something serious rather than playing the field. He's 27 and recently told me he'd really like to get married and have a family and lamented that he hasn't found the right person.

So with your DS, maybe it's a phase, maybe not. He's your wonderful boy either way.

[Anonymous]

1. He doesn't have a relationship because he's too emmeshed with you.

2. He is likely gay you talking about it and hom saying he's not doesn't equal not gay it means he's not comfortable telling you yet .and given your vibe in this thread I can see why

3. He's been influenced by manosphere content into thinking having a girlfriend is a negative experience that all women are toxic etc

[Anonymous]

I’ve met many boys back in the day who were still virgins in their early 20s! Mostly geeky types. So it’s not something new, and 19 is still young. I’d be tempted to take him to a resort in like Turkey or Mexico for some spring break vibes but maybe it’s not where you look nowadays?

[Anonymous]

My DS is also 19, has never had a gf, and identifies as Ace.

We’ve told him that we are fine if he’s gay (one DD is a lesbian) or trans. He said that he suspected he was ace after being exposed to naked bodies in art school. The instructor warned students arousal was normal. He realized that he was never was aroused.
He said he had a checkup. His hormones are normal.
He fooled around with a female classmate and a male classmate (separately) and said he didn’t feel any different.