DS, 19, hasn't had a GF and now says he's asexual

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he on a ssri? Has DH asked him if physically everything is working?

Taking SSRIs will commonly destroy a person’s libido.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he on a ssri? Has DH asked him if physically everything is working?

Taking SSRIs will commonly destroy a person’s libido.

True, and this is a commonly-known, scientifically-established side effect of taking SSRIs.

The medical justification for overloading or downplaying this side effect is its more important to keep the patient alive / not suicidal than it is to have an intact libido.

[Anonymous]

I'm 45 and there were plenty of guys in college who I was friends with who were virgins at 20-21. They focused on other things. Almost all ended up in a few serious relationships and married by 35. Late bloomers are ok. Asexual ppl are ok. It's all a spectrum and can change with age and experience.

[Anonymous]

He’s probably telling you that sp you stop hassling him about relationships. Leave him alone, he’s 19, he’s got a long way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is social, smart, good looking, cool and hip and generally gets along very well in life. He's never had a girlfriend, though he has many female friends who flirt with him. As he's gotten older I get the sense he might be on the spectrum, because he's become very rigid in his thinking. When we ask him why he doesn't date, he says he doesn't see the point, that it seems like too much effort for something he doesn't really care about. He doesn't even hook up at parties, and recently he told us that he thinks he's asexual. (And no, he's not gay, we've talked about that too.) Is this common or is it another phase that boys go through? DH and I are both very surprised.

No, it’s not common. It’s a sexual deviance, by definition. But it happens. Take him at his word. Assume there won’t be grandchildren from his seed in the future. Adjust your will accordingly.

Not wanting to have sex is not a sexual deviance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would put this in the category of "that's nice, dear." These young whipper-snappers like to label themselves and announce the label to everyone to see what reaction they get. So don't give him one.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of social pressure and expectation to date and to have relationships. Having a defence of I’m asexual allows one to save face. Just nod and smile.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this happened to me. He's gay and doesn't want to tell you.

Not necessarily. This happened to me. DS later became happily married to a wonderful woman and we have several grandkids. Too much pressure around dating at that age.

[Anonymous]

My son (will be 19 in Dec) hasn't said as such, but he is rather asexual. Perhaps that will change, but who knows. Many of his hormones are on the lower side -- thyroid, cortisol, testosterone, etc. It is possible that he may want to get testosterone shots in the future, but his endocrinologist does not want to do that right now since it will cause his body to produce even less natural testosterone. So, we are hoping that his levels increase naturally. OP, I would ask your son if he wants to check his hormone levels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is social, smart, good looking, cool and hip and generally gets along very well in life. He's never had a girlfriend, though he has many female friends who flirt with him. As he's gotten older I get the sense he might be on the spectrum, because he's become very rigid in his thinking. When we ask him why he doesn't date, he says he doesn't see the point, that it seems like too much effort for something he doesn't really care about. He doesn't even hook up at parties, and recently he told us that he thinks he's asexual. (And no, he's not gay, we've talked about that too.) Is this common or is it another phase that boys go through? DH and I are both very surprised.

No, it’s not common. It’s a sexual deviance, by definition. But it happens. Take him at his word. Assume there won’t be grandchildren from his seed in the future. Adjust your will accordingly.

Not wanting to have sex is not a sexual deviance.

Yes, it is. By definition. It deviates from the norm. So it is a deviancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he on a ssri? Has DH asked him if physically everything is working?

Taking SSRIs will commonly destroy a person’s libido.

My friend’s ACE teenager is in the spectrum and SSRIs so this tracks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you bothering him about it? He's not that old. His brain hasn't finished developing yet. All it means is all his friends are more sexually active, but that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with him. I would leave him alone. Things will probably change as he gets older. People develop at different rates.

+1. I have a a son who didn’t date at 19, and didn’t start until about 23. He’s married now. I didn’t quiz him about it at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is social, smart, good looking, cool and hip and generally gets along very well in life. He's never had a girlfriend, though he has many female friends who flirt with him. As he's gotten older I get the sense he might be on the spectrum, because he's become very rigid in his thinking. When we ask him why he doesn't date, he says he doesn't see the point, that it seems like too much effort for something he doesn't really care about. He doesn't even hook up at parties, and recently he told us that he thinks he's asexual. (And no, he's not gay, we've talked about that too.) Is this common or is it another phase that boys go through? DH and I are both very surprised.

No, it’s not common. It’s a sexual deviance, by definition. But it happens. Take him at his word. Assume there won’t be grandchildren from his seed in the future. Adjust your will accordingly.

Not wanting to have sex is not a sexual deviance.

Yes, it is. By definition. It deviates from the norm. So it is a deviancy.

We have no idea how common it is because there is so much social pressure to have sexual desire and engage in sexual activity.

I remember when a relative my age decided to become clergy. In our religion, clergy are celibate. That person giving up sex forever upset people far more than taking a vow of poverty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is social, smart, good looking, cool and hip and generally gets along very well in life. He's never had a girlfriend, though he has many female friends who flirt with him. As he's gotten older I get the sense he might be on the spectrum, because he's become very rigid in his thinking. When we ask him why he doesn't date, he says he doesn't see the point, that it seems like too much effort for something he doesn't really care about. He doesn't even hook up at parties, and recently he told us that he thinks he's asexual. (And no, he's not gay, we've talked about that too.) Is this common or is it another phase that boys go through? DH and I are both very surprised.

No, it’s not common. It’s a sexual deviance, by definition. But it happens. Take him at his word. Assume there won’t be grandchildren from his seed in the future. Adjust your will accordingly.

Not wanting to have sex is not a sexual deviance.

Yes, it is. By definition. It deviates from the norm. So it is a deviancy.

We have no idea how common it is because there is so much social pressure to have sexual desire and engage in sexual activity.

I remember when a relative my age decided to become clergy. In our religion, clergy are celibate. That person giving up sex forever upset people far more than taking a vow of poverty.

We do know. It’s 1% according to Kinsey and others.

It is abnormal. Hence, it is a deviancy. It deviates from the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS1, who sounds similar in many ways (although I don't think he's on the spectrum), went thru a phase like that around the same age. But then as a senior in college during first covid spring, a very good friend morphed into a girlfriend, and I never heard anything about asexuality again. They dated for a few years, and since they broke up he's dated a few other women. I do think he is pretty picky and also seems very interested in finding something serious rather than playing the field. He's 27 and recently told me he'd really like to get married and have a family and lamented that he hasn't found the right person.

So with your DS, maybe it's a phase, maybe not. He's your wonderful boy either way.

OP here. Thanks for this response, that does sound like my son because he's not interested in playing the field either and he does have a female friend that he's platonically very close with.