Grey divorces

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s “worrisome” about this?

OP here. We know these couples for a long time and to us they looked average (some of them even happy), not in deep troubles so we were very surprised at first.
At least in my circle, after divorce some of them shared they are struggling financially while others have very obvious mental health issues (not sure if new issues or if issues were there before and spiraled after divorce)

But this doesn’t seem unique to grey divorces.

Sorry, my quoting was messed up.

This just doesn’t seem unique to grey divorces. I was a kid in the late 70s/early 80s when divorce rates skyrocketed among couples in their 30s and early 40s, and financial struggles happened, mental health issues happened.

The only thing that has change is women have autonomy and they can leave now and they can afford it.

By taking half of the money their husbands made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s “worrisome” about this?

OP here. We know these couples for a long time and to us they looked average (some of them even happy), not in deep troubles so we were very surprised at first.
At least in my circle, after divorce some of them shared they are struggling financially while others have very obvious mental health issues (not sure if new issues or if issues were there before and spiraled after divorce)

You never know what happens behind closed doors. Is this making you nervous about your own marriage?
From what I have seen the later divorces mostly happen among the ones who are financially comfortable and won’t have to take big cuts to their lifestyle.The rest plod on even if they aren’t very happy, except for the nincompoop who got his intern pregnant.

No one gets divorced on a whim. You just don't get the full story.

Impulsive people with severe ADHD can make impulsive decisions without thinking through the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

I know a few long term SAHMs who chose gray divorce, once their husbands were at retirement. They stayed during the working years, and then become financially sound by taking (rightfully) half of the retirement and savings and having their own life/retirement with more choices.

Wow, what great people. Stay until the money stops coming in. But I'm sure the husbands were "controlling" or "narcissistic," or whatever other nonsense term is used to deflect responsibility.

Sometimes it's not about anything more than incompatibility. Once the kids are raised and out of the house, there is little incentive to keep trying if you realize you are fundamentally incompatible.

Except for, you know, that "better or worse" commitment...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s “worrisome” about this?

OP here. We know these couples for a long time and to us they looked average (some of them even happy), not in deep troubles so we were very surprised at first.
At least in my circle, after divorce some of them shared they are struggling financially while others have very obvious mental health issues (not sure if new issues or if issues were there before and spiraled after divorce)

You never know what happens behind closed doors. Is this making you nervous about your own marriage?
From what I have seen the later divorces mostly happen among the ones who are financially comfortable and won’t have to take big cuts to their lifestyle.The rest plod on even if they aren’t very happy, except for the nincompoop who got his intern pregnant.

No one gets divorced on a whim. You just don't get the full story.

Impulsive people with severe ADHD can make impulsive decisions without thinking through the consequences.

You don't need ADHD to make poor life choices. It's more common than not. Not sure why some people on DCUM pretend that people always have valid reasons to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

- Women (often) get alimony and 50% of "marital assets", even if husband killed himself in big law while she was at the club (and au pair was shuttling the kids). Less provocatively, he was the primary earner in a stressful job while she enjoyed lower paying but more relaxed employment, yet...
- he loses half his net worth and -- critically -- retirement $$ at 60+, with little time to claw it back
- women are typically more social and have broader friend / support networks
- when good men marry, they (should) "grow up" and focus on family, and on work to provide for them. They lose track of partying friends and rely on work relationships that end at retirement. They may chat with their wife's friends' husbands, but that ends with divorce.
- Today's culture says "you go girl! you don't need the no stinkin' patrimony"

Um... and sometimes women make less money b/c, at DH's urging, they leave their own high-powered jobs to take care of the kids and they work themselves to the bone taking care of kids and house. That is work too. Often more stressful and exhausting than work at a law firm or whatever.

- Lawyer with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s “worrisome” about this?

OP here. We know these couples for a long time and to us they looked average (some of them even happy), not in deep troubles so we were very surprised at first.
At least in my circle, after divorce some of them shared they are struggling financially while others have very obvious mental health issues (not sure if new issues or if issues were there before and spiraled after divorce)

You never know what happens behind closed doors. Is this making you nervous about your own marriage?
From what I have seen the later divorces mostly happen among the ones who are financially comfortable and won’t have to take big cuts to their lifestyle.The rest plod on even if they aren’t very happy, except for the nincompoop who got his intern pregnant.

No one gets divorced on a whim. You just don't get the full story.

Impulsive people with severe ADHD can make impulsive decisions without thinking through the consequences.

You don't need ADHD to make poor life choices. It's more common than not. Not sure why some people on DCUM pretend that people always have valid reasons to divorce.

Yep. And divorce is the gift that keeps on giving, complicating your children's lives forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

I know a few long term SAHMs who chose gray divorce, once their husbands were at retirement. They stayed during the working years, and then become financially sound by taking (rightfully) half of the retirement and savings and having their own life/retirement with more choices.

Wow, what great people. Stay until the money stops coming in. But I'm sure the husbands were "controlling" or "narcissistic," or whatever other nonsense term is used to deflect responsibility.

Sometimes it's not about anything more than incompatibility. Once the kids are raised and out of the house, there is little incentive to keep trying if you realize you are fundamentally incompatible.

Except for, you know, that "better or worse" commitment...

Why should two people who do not want to stay together do so? Seriously, PP, is this a religious thing for you? Because I fail to see who is hurt if two adults decide they no longer want to be married. Assume no kids or kids are grown. They could stay together and be miserable, or divorce and potentially be happier. Why on earth should they stay together?

And some people really are controlling, narcissistic or outright abusive. Do you still think people should stay married, even to an abusive spouse?

[Anonymous]

In retirement, make sure each of you can have some of your own space in your home. And give each other the house, alone, some. Neither of you is responsible for finding ways for the other to fill their time. You aren't managing each other and shouldn't be judging how they spend their time. What is usually said about the challenges for couples in retirement is: it's twice the amount of togetherness while living on 1/2 of the money you're use to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In retirement, make sure each of you can have some of your own space in your home. And give each other the house, alone, some. Neither of you is responsible for finding ways for the other to fill their time. You aren't managing each other and shouldn't be judging how they spend their time. What is usually said about the challenges for couples in retirement is: it's twice the amount of togetherness while living on 1/2 of the money you're use to.

It's not half the money for those of us who planned well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

- Women (often) get alimony and 50% of "marital assets", even if husband killed himself in big law while she was at the club (and au pair was shuttling the kids). Less provocatively, he was the primary earner in a stressful job while she enjoyed lower paying but more relaxed employment, yet...
- he loses half his net worth and -- critically -- retirement $$ at 60+, with little time to claw it back
- women are typically more social and have broader friend / support networks
- when good men marry, they (should) "grow up" and focus on family, and on work to provide for them. They lose track of partying friends and rely on work relationships that end at retirement. They may chat with their wife's friends' husbands, but that ends with divorce.
- Today's culture says "you go girl! you don't need the no stinkin' patrimony"

You should tell this to all the men in big law and elsewhere who cheat on their wives, especially their SAHM wives, especially in their 50s. Marital property is no secret. Risking it all at that age is just dumb. And you know what? Their wives are not dumb. They realize that if their spouse cheats or neglects the marriage, they can take half the marital property and ride into the sunset.

[Anonymous]

My ex was not interested in my well-being, did not want to have sex with me, and treated me with contempt. I'm so glad I got a grey divorce. I have not regretted for one minute, despite financial worries and dating ups and downs. I have much more fun now and feel better about myself.

Our adult kids seem good. We still do things as a family once in a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In retirement, make sure each of you can have some of your own space in your home. And give each other the house, alone, some. Neither of you is responsible for finding ways for the other to fill their time. You aren't managing each other and shouldn't be judging how they spend their time. What is usually said about the challenges for couples in retirement is: it's twice the amount of togetherness while living on 1/2 of the money you're use to.

It's not half the money for those of us who planned well.

Planned well how? Short of an enforceable prenup, if your spouse has a lawyer with any experience, they will get half of the marital property, and if they have to hire a forensic accountant to find things you're hiding, you'll get reamed in paying back their out-of-pocket attorney and accountant fees, plus the judge will be angry and biased against you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s “worrisome” about this?

OP here. We know these couples for a long time and to us they looked average (some of them even happy), not in deep troubles so we were very surprised at first.
At least in my circle, after divorce some of them shared they are struggling financially while others have very obvious mental health issues (not sure if new issues or if issues were there before and spiraled after divorce)

You never know what happens behind closed doors. Is this making you nervous about your own marriage?
From what I have seen the later divorces mostly happen among the ones who are financially comfortable and won’t have to take big cuts to their lifestyle.The rest plod on even if they aren’t very happy, except for the nincompoop who got his intern pregnant.

No one gets divorced on a whim. You just don't get the full story.

Impulsive people with severe ADHD can make impulsive decisions without thinking through the consequences.

Mine got divorced on a whim. It was a wild ride.

You should have seen my DH with ADHD after he realized how much work divorce actually entailed. It is really appealing for someone who is impulsive and having a hard time, but also a nightmare for someone with executive functioning deficits. He got dropped by two separate attorneys because he couldn’t get his act together. It’s good he made a ton of money and could buy his way out by basically having attorneys and legal assistants run his life during the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In retirement, make sure each of you can have some of your own space in your home. And give each other the house, alone, some. Neither of you is responsible for finding ways for the other to fill their time. You aren't managing each other and shouldn't be judging how they spend their time. What is usually said about the challenges for couples in retirement is: it's twice the amount of togetherness while living on 1/2 of the money you're use to.

It's not half the money for those of us who planned well.

Planned well how? Short of an enforceable prenup, if your spouse has a lawyer with any experience, they will get half of the marital property, and if they have to hire a forensic accountant to find things you're hiding, you'll get reamed in paying back their out-of-pocket attorney and accountant fees, plus the judge will be angry and biased against you.

The poster wasn't talking about divorce. The post was about living TOGETHER in retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is in college, and I only know of two recent divorces among my friend group: one was a marriage that has visibly foundered for years, and one was a couple that had always lived somewhat separate lives (e.g, they still had separate bank accounts). I don't know of any divorces among couples that seem happily married.

Interesting...I'm pushing 60 and I don't know 1 person in a "happy marriage". The thing is people have to be completely miserable to divorce. But "happy" nope. Happy life, yes... but how much the marriage contributes to the happiness I just don't see it.

Most live separately together.

My 60-something brother and his wife of many years are in such a happy marriage it's nauseating. So it does happen.

We've also been married for decades and our kids are long out of the house. We live totally separate lives in our two houses (primary and second/vacation homes), travel separately, etc. We see each other when we're with the kids and grandkids, which is often, and we are perfectly civil with each other and it's never awkward between us and the rest of the clan. We've both just moved on. But we will never divorce because it's just not worth the trouble. We have plenty of money and we both have the same approach to spending and everything is joint and an open book, so . . .

My brother says we're basically a married couple with separate bedrooms that happen to be 100 miles apart, and he's right -- except the houses aren't quite that far apart ha ha.

It works for us.

Do either of you sleep with other people? Would it matter?

I don't even give it a second thought and I assume my spouse doesn't either. Not everybody is sex crazed all the time. It's typically the last thing on my mind.

If you're both over sex or if you don't care if the other sees other people, then it sounds perfect.

What's the obsession with "seeing other people?" We "see" plenty of people.
We have good friends and our entire family is local and we're all very close.
You do realize that there's no law requiring that one be in or pursuing a romantic relationship for happiness, right?

This. Asexuality is a thing, and certainly more widespread amongst the elderly.