Grey divorces

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^interesting guy*

I feel sorry for your dad. You obviously don't like him and never did.

He's an alcoholic, held a gun to his head for over an hour in front of me when I was 17 and said he was going to blow his brains all over me while I was shaking like a maniac trying to talk him out of it, and cheated on my mom many times. So yep, you're right on PP.

I’m sorry PP. No child should ever go through that. I’m happy for you and your mom that she got out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think men are struggling more than women after gray divorces

I think they just struggle until they find a girlfriend/helper, which they usually can unless they’re really toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s “worrisome” about this?

OP here. We know these couples for a long time and to us they looked average (some of them even happy), not in deep troubles so we were very surprised at first.
At least in my circle, after divorce some of them shared they are struggling financially while others have very obvious mental health issues (not sure if new issues or if issues were there before and spiraled after divorce)

But this doesn’t seem unique to grey divorces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s “worrisome” about this?

OP here. We know these couples for a long time and to us they looked average (some of them even happy), not in deep troubles so we were very surprised at first.
At least in my circle, after divorce some of them shared they are struggling financially while others have very obvious mental health issues (not sure if new issues or if issues were there before and spiraled after divorce)

You never know what happens behind closed doors. Is this making you nervous about your own marriage?
From what I have seen the later divorces mostly happen among the ones who are financially comfortable and won’t have to take big cuts to their lifestyle.The rest plod on even if they aren’t very happy, except for the nincompoop who got his intern pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s “worrisome” about this?

OP here. We know these couples for a long time and to us they looked average (some of them even happy), not in deep troubles so we were very surprised at first.
At least in my circle, after divorce some of them shared they are struggling financially while others have very obvious mental health issues (not sure if new issues or if issues were there before and spiraled after divorce)

But this doesn’t seem unique to grey divorces.

Sorry, my quoting was messed up.

This just doesn’t seem unique to grey divorces. I was a kid in the late 70s/early 80s when divorce rates skyrocketed among couples in their 30s and early 40s, and financial struggles happened, mental health issues happened.

[Anonymous]

17 years and my DH left me. He has had mental health issues over the years that we were never allowed to talk about and that he dealt with by picking and choosing treatments that were convenient but not necessarily effective. I don’t know how his mental health is how and I worry how it will affect the kids.

But there was also an element of him just being sick of family life so it was a bit of a mid-life crisis kind of thing.

He’s obsessed with his work, anns our assets didn’t match his potential future earnings, so my kids are ok but my life has changed a lot. I’m still getting on my feet emotionally and the financial part will take the rest of my life. Stories like the PP’s mom with the HS sweetheart give me hope until I remember that I didn’t have a HS sweetheart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s “worrisome” about this?

OP here. We know these couples for a long time and to us they looked average (some of them even happy), not in deep troubles so we were very surprised at first.
At least in my circle, after divorce some of them shared they are struggling financially while others have very obvious mental health issues (not sure if new issues or if issues were there before and spiraled after divorce)

But this doesn’t seem unique to grey divorces.

Sorry, my quoting was messed up.

This just doesn’t seem unique to grey divorces. I was a kid in the late 70s/early 80s when divorce rates skyrocketed among couples in their 30s and early 40s, and financial struggles happened, mental health issues happened.

The only thing that has change is women have autonomy and they can leave now and they can afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17 years and my DH left me. He has had mental health issues over the years that we were never allowed to talk about and that he dealt with by picking and choosing treatments that were convenient but not necessarily effective. I don’t know how his mental health is how and I worry how it will affect the kids.

But there was also an element of him just being sick of family life so it was a bit of a mid-life crisis kind of thing.

He’s obsessed with his work, anns our assets didn’t match his potential future earnings, so my kids are ok but my life has changed a lot. I’m still getting on my feet emotionally and the financial part will take the rest of my life. Stories like the PP’s mom with the HS sweetheart give me hope until I remember that I didn’t have a HS sweetheart.

Does he have the kids half the time or are they grown?

[Anonymous]

My youngest is in college, and I only know of two recent divorces among my friend group: one was a marriage that has visibly foundered for years, and one was a couple that had always lived somewhat separate lives (e.g, they still had separate bank accounts). I don't know of any divorces among couples that seem happily married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is in college, and I only know of two recent divorces among my friend group: one was a marriage that has visibly foundered for years, and one was a couple that had always lived somewhat separate lives (e.g, they still had separate bank accounts). I don't know of any divorces among couples that seem happily married.

Interesting...I'm pushing 60 and I don't know 1 person in a "happy marriage". The thing is people have to be completely miserable to divorce. But "happy" nope. Happy life, yes... but how much the marriage contributes to the happiness I just don't see it.

Most live separately together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17 years and my DH left me. He has had mental health issues over the years that we were never allowed to talk about and that he dealt with by picking and choosing treatments that were convenient but not necessarily effective. I don’t know how his mental health is how and I worry how it will affect the kids.

But there was also an element of him just being sick of family life so it was a bit of a mid-life crisis kind of thing.

He’s obsessed with his work, anns our assets didn’t match his potential future earnings, so my kids are ok but my life has changed a lot. I’m still getting on my feet emotionally and the financial part will take the rest of my life. Stories like the PP’s mom with the HS sweetheart give me hope until I remember that I didn’t have a HS sweetheart.

My HS sweetheart divorced … and then remarried a woman who looks and dresses like a model, is an artist, and stays home and sews buttons on his shirts 😆 I cannot compete.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17 years and my DH left me. He has had mental health issues over the years that we were never allowed to talk about and that he dealt with by picking and choosing treatments that were convenient but not necessarily effective. I don’t know how his mental health is how and I worry how it will affect the kids.

But there was also an element of him just being sick of family life so it was a bit of a mid-life crisis kind of thing.

He’s obsessed with his work, anns our assets didn’t match his potential future earnings, so my kids are ok but my life has changed a lot. I’m still getting on my feet emotionally and the financial part will take the rest of my life. Stories like the PP’s mom with the HS sweetheart give me hope until I remember that I didn’t have a HS sweetheart.

Does he have the kids half the time or are they grown?

Less than half but still too much. I’m in a state that favors giving fathers a chance regardless of their past history so after a few parenting classes and loosely documented medical compliance, he got what he wanted.

[Anonymous]

So many people stay married for the kids and have been counting down the days until they could leave, for all kinds of reasons - like someone cheated, they no longer have common ground, they stopped having sex, their partner is narcissistic or abusive. Grey divorces are usually a long time coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is in college, and I only know of two recent divorces among my friend group: one was a marriage that has visibly foundered for years, and one was a couple that had always lived somewhat separate lives (e.g, they still had separate bank accounts). I don't know of any divorces among couples that seem happily married.

Interesting...I'm pushing 60 and I don't know 1 person in a "happy marriage". The thing is people have to be completely miserable to divorce. But "happy" nope. Happy life, yes... but how much the marriage contributes to the happiness I just don't see it.

Most live separately together.

This was my parents until recently. Now at almost 70, I think they realize their time is limited, and they seem to actually love each other again, and are spending most of their time together. For a few decades before that, they lived seperate lives due to elder care on both sides, my mom spending time helping with grandkids, etc. But it's like a light went off and they realize their time is running out, and they are happyish together now! They live in a house with two separate master bedrooms, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is in college, and I only know of two recent divorces among my friend group: one was a marriage that has visibly foundered for years, and one was a couple that had always lived somewhat separate lives (e.g, they still had separate bank accounts). I don't know of any divorces among couples that seem happily married.

Interesting...I'm pushing 60 and I don't know 1 person in a "happy marriage". The thing is people have to be completely miserable to divorce. But "happy" nope. Happy life, yes... but how much the marriage contributes to the happiness I just don't see it.

Most live separately together.

My 60-something brother and his wife of many years are in such a happy marriage it's nauseating. So it does happen.

We've also been married for decades and our kids are long out of the house. We live totally separate lives in our two houses (primary and second/vacation homes), travel separately, etc. We see each other when we're with the kids and grandkids, which is often, and we are perfectly civil with each other and it's never awkward between us and the rest of the clan. We've both just moved on. But we will never divorce because it's just not worth the trouble. We have plenty of money and we both have the same approach to spending and everything is joint and an open book, so . . .

My brother says we're basically a married couple with separate bedrooms that happen to be 100 miles apart, and he's right -- except the houses aren't quite that far apart ha ha.

It works for us.