Grey divorces

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is in college, and I only know of two recent divorces among my friend group: one was a marriage that has visibly foundered for years, and one was a couple that had always lived somewhat separate lives (e.g, they still had separate bank accounts). I don't know of any divorces among couples that seem happily married.

Interesting...I'm pushing 60 and I don't know 1 person in a "happy marriage". The thing is people have to be completely miserable to divorce. But "happy" nope. Happy life, yes... but how much the marriage contributes to the happiness I just don't see it.

Most live separately together.

My 60-something brother and his wife of many years are in such a happy marriage it's nauseating. So it does happen.

We've also been married for decades and our kids are long out of the house. We live totally separate lives in our two houses (primary and second/vacation homes), travel separately, etc. We see each other when we're with the kids and grandkids, which is often, and we are perfectly civil with each other and it's never awkward between us and the rest of the clan. We've both just moved on. But we will never divorce because it's just not worth the trouble. We have plenty of money and we both have the same approach to spending and everything is joint and an open book, so . . .

My brother says we're basically a married couple with separate bedrooms that happen to be 100 miles apart, and he's right -- except the houses aren't quite that far apart ha ha.

It works for us.

Do either of you sleep with other people? Would it matter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is in college, and I only know of two recent divorces among my friend group: one was a marriage that has visibly foundered for years, and one was a couple that had always lived somewhat separate lives (e.g, they still had separate bank accounts). I don't know of any divorces among couples that seem happily married.

Interesting...I'm pushing 60 and I don't know 1 person in a "happy marriage". The thing is people have to be completely miserable to divorce. But "happy" nope. Happy life, yes... but how much the marriage contributes to the happiness I just don't see it.

Most live separately together.

My 60-something brother and his wife of many years are in such a happy marriage it's nauseating. So it does happen.

We've also been married for decades and our kids are long out of the house. We live totally separate lives in our two houses (primary and second/vacation homes), travel separately, etc. We see each other when we're with the kids and grandkids, which is often, and we are perfectly civil with each other and it's never awkward between us and the rest of the clan. We've both just moved on. But we will never divorce because it's just not worth the trouble. We have plenty of money and we both have the same approach to spending and everything is joint and an open book, so . . .

My brother says we're basically a married couple with separate bedrooms that happen to be 100 miles apart, and he's right -- except the houses aren't quite that far apart ha ha.

It works for us.

I don’t see anything wrong with that arrangement, you’re happy.

I actually see my ex about once a week, we talk a few times a week, we travelled to college visits together, we do holidays together, just redid our will and consulted each other . You and I sound a lot alike except the marital status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friends and acquaintances with kids in high school/college are now divorcing at a worrisome rate and struggling emotionally and financially right after that. Is grey divorce more common in the last few years or is just in my social circle?

I'm in the midst of a grey divorce – in my 50s with kids in HS. I noticed a rash of divorces when my kids were in MS, but less now. I think it does run through circles. I never thought I would be in this position, but here I am. I'll be mostly okay financially, but the emotional aspect has been rough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

I know a few long term SAHMs who chose gray divorce, once their husbands were at retirement. They stayed during the working years, and then become financially sound by taking (rightfully) half of the retirement and savings and having their own life/retirement with more choices.

Wow, what great people. Stay until the money stops coming in. But I'm sure the husbands were "controlling" or "narcissistic," or whatever other nonsense term is used to deflect responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s “worrisome” about this?

OP here. We know these couples for a long time and to us they looked average (some of them even happy), not in deep troubles so we were very surprised at first.
At least in my circle, after divorce some of them shared they are struggling financially while others have very obvious mental health issues (not sure if new issues or if issues were there before and spiraled after divorce)

You never know what happens behind closed doors. Is this making you nervous about your own marriage?
From what I have seen the later divorces mostly happen among the ones who are financially comfortable and won’t have to take big cuts to their lifestyle.The rest plod on even if they aren’t very happy, except for the nincompoop who got his intern pregnant.

I think this is key. I know a couple struggling, not sure if they will divorce but it's a high probability outcome. They had a dynamic (DH is a workaholic) that wouldn't work for a lot of couples but seemed to for them for years. Kids are now older, HS, so you'd think it would be easier. But the DW just snapped, and they are in a very precarious position. It's almost as if having the kids be a bit more independent gives at least one person in the couple the space to realize how unhappy they have been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is in college, and I only know of two recent divorces among my friend group: one was a marriage that has visibly foundered for years, and one was a couple that had always lived somewhat separate lives (e.g, they still had separate bank accounts). I don't know of any divorces among couples that seem happily married.

Interesting...I'm pushing 60 and I don't know 1 person in a "happy marriage". The thing is people have to be completely miserable to divorce. But "happy" nope. Happy life, yes... but how much the marriage contributes to the happiness I just don't see it.

Most live separately together.

No wonder everyone on this forum is so miserable. Where the hell do you people live? You're either delusional because you're unhappy so everyone else must be unhappy, or you have a very toxic social circle. I see tons of happy marriages. Sure, I don't know what's really going on behind closed doors, but neither do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s “worrisome” about this?

OP here. We know these couples for a long time and to us they looked average (some of them even happy), not in deep troubles so we were very surprised at first.
At least in my circle, after divorce some of them shared they are struggling financially while others have very obvious mental health issues (not sure if new issues or if issues were there before and spiraled after divorce)

I hope not to divorce, but DH and I have been through some bumpy times and our friends did not know. We don't argue in front of people and I don't vent to friends who know him.
And it makes sense that having to maintain two households (even smaller ones) would be more expensive than just one.

I don't mean to minimize this - I do think it's common, and sad.

[Anonymous]

My ex and I divorced in our 50s after we became empty nesters. I think both of us are happier now. A few years have passed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is in college, and I only know of two recent divorces among my friend group: one was a marriage that has visibly foundered for years, and one was a couple that had always lived somewhat separate lives (e.g, they still had separate bank accounts). I don't know of any divorces among couples that seem happily married.

Interesting...I'm pushing 60 and I don't know 1 person in a "happy marriage". The thing is people have to be completely miserable to divorce. But "happy" nope. Happy life, yes... but how much the marriage contributes to the happiness I just don't see it.

Most live separately together.

No wonder everyone on this forum is so miserable. Where the hell do you people live? You're either delusional because you're unhappy so everyone else must be unhappy, or you have a very toxic social circle. I see tons of happy marriages. Sure, I don't know what's really going on behind closed doors, but neither do you.

I know what they tell me.

Maybe people don't talk to you.

I didn't say they have miserable lives or even miserable marriages I just said they don't have happy marriages and most older couples live separate lives together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s “worrisome” about this?

OP here. We know these couples for a long time and to us they looked average (some of them even happy), not in deep troubles so we were very surprised at first.
At least in my circle, after divorce some of them shared they are struggling financially while others have very obvious mental health issues (not sure if new issues or if issues were there before and spiraled after divorce)

I hope not to divorce, but DH and I have been through some bumpy times and our friends did not know. We don't argue in front of people and I don't vent to friends who know him.
And it makes sense that having to maintain two households (even smaller ones) would be more expensive than just one.

I don't mean to minimize this - I do think it's common, and sad.

I was divorced 3 years before most people knew we were divorced. It's not like they follow us home to see which house we are going to after a gathering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s “worrisome” about this?

OP here. We know these couples for a long time and to us they looked average (some of them even happy), not in deep troubles so we were very surprised at first.
At least in my circle, after divorce some of them shared they are struggling financially while others have very obvious mental health issues (not sure if new issues or if issues were there before and spiraled after divorce)

You never know what happens behind closed doors. Is this making you nervous about your own marriage?
From what I have seen the later divorces mostly happen among the ones who are financially comfortable and won’t have to take big cuts to their lifestyle.The rest plod on even if they aren’t very happy, except for the nincompoop who got his intern pregnant.

No one gets divorced on a whim. You just don't get the full story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is in college, and I only know of two recent divorces among my friend group: one was a marriage that has visibly foundered for years, and one was a couple that had always lived somewhat separate lives (e.g, they still had separate bank accounts). I don't know of any divorces among couples that seem happily married.

Interesting...I'm pushing 60 and I don't know 1 person in a "happy marriage". The thing is people have to be completely miserable to divorce. But "happy" nope. Happy life, yes... but how much the marriage contributes to the happiness I just don't see it.

Most live separately together.

My 60-something brother and his wife of many years are in such a happy marriage it's nauseating. So it does happen.

We've also been married for decades and our kids are long out of the house. We live totally separate lives in our two houses (primary and second/vacation homes), travel separately, etc. We see each other when we're with the kids and grandkids, which is often, and we are perfectly civil with each other and it's never awkward between us and the rest of the clan. We've both just moved on. But we will never divorce because it's just not worth the trouble. We have plenty of money and we both have the same approach to spending and everything is joint and an open book, so . . .

My brother says we're basically a married couple with separate bedrooms that happen to be 100 miles apart, and he's right -- except the houses aren't quite that far apart ha ha.

It works for us.

Do either of you sleep with other people? Would it matter?

I don't even give it a second thought and I assume my spouse doesn't either. Not everybody is sex crazed all the time. It's typically the last thing on my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are three primary "off-ramps" for marriage: starter marriage (about 1 year); school age kids (youngest kid about 6); and empty nest (youngest kid goes to college).

The starter marriage is just a couple of young people who made a mistake. Usually no assets or kids to speak of. About a year in, they get a divorce. It's not much different than breaking up as boyfriend/girlfriend.

The school age divorce is where having kids put a lot of pressure on some maybe unnoticed cracks in the relationship (or created new ones). In the thick of the infant/toddler years, there's not enough time or energy to notice or deal with the problems. But, when the kids go to school, there's a little more time to take stock of the wreckage and to get the divorce.

The empty nest divorce is one where the relationship has probably been on life-support for a while. But one or both of the spouses have been sticking it out for the kids. When the kids are out of the house, the relationship lacks the same level of purpose and so they end it. Sounds like you're dealing with this one in your circle.

I think this seems right. Mine was a school-age divorce that coincided with my husband's midlife crisis affair. We went through some tough times and then he leaned out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is in college, and I only know of two recent divorces among my friend group: one was a marriage that has visibly foundered for years, and one was a couple that had always lived somewhat separate lives (e.g, they still had separate bank accounts). I don't know of any divorces among couples that seem happily married.

Interesting...I'm pushing 60 and I don't know 1 person in a "happy marriage". The thing is people have to be completely miserable to divorce. But "happy" nope. Happy life, yes... but how much the marriage contributes to the happiness I just don't see it.

Most live separately together.

My 60-something brother and his wife of many years are in such a happy marriage it's nauseating. So it does happen.

We've also been married for decades and our kids are long out of the house. We live totally separate lives in our two houses (primary and second/vacation homes), travel separately, etc. We see each other when we're with the kids and grandkids, which is often, and we are perfectly civil with each other and it's never awkward between us and the rest of the clan. We've both just moved on. But we will never divorce because it's just not worth the trouble. We have plenty of money and we both have the same approach to spending and everything is joint and an open book, so . . .

My brother says we're basically a married couple with separate bedrooms that happen to be 100 miles apart, and he's right -- except the houses aren't quite that far apart ha ha.

It works for us.

I don’t see anything wrong with that arrangement, you’re happy.

I actually see my ex about once a week, we talk a few times a week, we travelled to college visits together, we do holidays together, just redid our will and consulted each other . You and I sound a lot alike except the marital status.

Yea, it's just ended up this way and it's not a big deal at all. There's still a lot of mutual respect. It definitely helps that we have a nice nest egg, nearly identical approaches to money, and a very open book about all of that -- so not only don't we have to worry about money, we don't ever take issue without the other's spending. In fact, we're typically urging the other (by text ha ha) to spend a little more.

Yes, we do all the holidays together. We text often as we together manage our small "enterprise." We help out with grandkids to the extreme (none has ever been in day care or had a babysitter although all the parents work), handing them off between each other depending on who's busy. Etc.

Basically we bought a second home in the country when Covid hit and one of us just ended up living in it. Again, it works.

[Anonymous]

Different perspective FWIF: Went on a weeklong trip with HS friends - 6 couples and all marriages seem very solid. We are all 60. One friend married late in life and one widow (me) in a committed relationship.
I really can't say why this is but when you are in the same house with people for a week you see the cracks. Didn't hear one unkind word or snide comment.