Grey divorces

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

I know a few long term SAHMs who chose gray divorce, once their husbands were at retirement. They stayed during the working years, and then become financially sound by taking (rightfully) half of the retirement and savings and having their own life/retirement with more choices.

I'll never understand this tradeoff. Life is so short, I just don't understand being miserable for years and then once you are well into your late 50s suddenly you have all this grandiose plans with all this money. Travel, romance, fun sex etc all of that is more enjoyable when you are younger

Kids. That's it. Some parents choose delayed gratification to raise their kids under one roof and tuck them in every night. But once their off and we feel we've done the lion's share of our job as parents, it's our turn to focus on our happiness again with whatever time we have left.

This is me as well. I have basically hated my wife for 15 years, but sacrificed my happiness for my kids stability. I never cheated and I do regret marrying her, but my commitment is more important than my happiness. 2 more years….

You mean you’re staying for the free high quality child care, cooking, home mgmt, scheduling, health monitoring, cleaning and logistics mgmt your unpaid wife is doing, while also working a full time job or not.

Oh and you also get an ego and image boost because you appear like a functional Family Guy. Not only working all the time but likeable enough to still be married and see your kids anytime when convenient.

So instead of fixing the underlying issues in your marriage and household, you tag along like the selfish leech that you are, doing your own thing but continuing the facade of a married father.

Amazing how off base you can be. This is not something I tell the people in my life. She is the one with the image boost from not having the world know that she would leave the kids home to go cheat during the day. I love my kids more than I value my happiness. Since those times she has become a great mom, but she is a horrible spouse.

You sound like you could benefit from meeting a man in real life as an individual. I am far from perfect, but I do apologize when I am wrong and attempt to make decisions that will not only benefit me. I also don’t run from responsibility. Living with the pain of this marriage is much harder than I ever imagined, because I see the loss of us and the woman I loved every day.

I was in a similar situation and feel this guy's pain. Now I'm divorced and happier. My kids figured out the score and thanked me for staying until the youngest was out of the house.

I appreciate you sharing a positive outcome from my situation. Sometimes it is hard to push through when I start feeling like I am wasting my life.

[Anonymous]

Ladies, it's been said that to keep a man happy, you need to do 2 things

1. Keep his belly full.

2. Keep his balls empty.

That doesn't end when the kids are out of the house or you turn 50 years old or 60 or 70.

Keeping your marriage together is easy, if you want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ladies, it's been said that to keep a man happy, you need to do 2 things

1. Keep his belly full.

2. Keep his balls empty.

That doesn't end when the kids are out of the house or you turn 50 years old or 60 or 70.

Keeping your marriage together is easy, if you want to.

Why would a woman who is better off and happier alone want to keep their marriage together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ladies, it's been said that to keep a man happy, you need to do 2 things

1. Keep his belly full.

2. Keep his balls empty.

That doesn't end when the kids are out of the house or you turn 50 years old or 60 or 70.

Keeping your marriage together is easy, if you want to.

Sounds like a disgusting way to waste the one precious life we've been granted. Serving a manchild? No thanks!

The older I get, the more and more grateful I am to have eschewed marriage altogether. I can count on one hand (without needing all the digits) the number of truly happy, functional marriages I see around me in midlife, whilst the wreckage of miserable marriages and divorces is seemingly endless. The odds are not in one's favor given the attitudes most men of my generation - and sadly, this seems very common among younger men as well - bring to their expectations of the institution. Feed me, f*** me, don't bother me with your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are three primary "off-ramps" for marriage: starter marriage (about 1 year); school age kids (youngest kid about 6); and empty nest (youngest kid goes to college).

The starter marriage is just a couple of young people who made a mistake. Usually no assets or kids to speak of. About a year in, they get a divorce. It's not much different than breaking up as boyfriend/girlfriend.

The school age divorce is where having kids put a lot of pressure on some maybe unnoticed cracks in the relationship (or created new ones). In the thick of the infant/toddler years, there's not enough time or energy to notice or deal with the problems. But, when the kids go to school, there's a little more time to take stock of the wreckage and to get the divorce.

The empty nest divorce is one where the relationship has probably been on life-support for a while. But one or both of the spouses have been sticking it out for the kids. When the kids are out of the house, the relationship lacks the same level of purpose and so they end it. Sounds like you're dealing with this one in your circle.

+1. Sometimes the second type can happen mid ES to MS age for the kids if the parents try (and fail) to revive the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

I know a few long term SAHMs who chose gray divorce, once their husbands were at retirement. They stayed during the working years, and then become financially sound by taking (rightfully) half of the retirement and savings and having their own life/retirement with more choices.

I'll never understand this tradeoff. Life is so short, I just don't understand being miserable for years and then once you are well into your late 50s suddenly you have all this grandiose plans with all this money. Travel, romance, fun sex etc all of that is more enjoyable when you are younger

Kids. That's it. Some parents choose delayed gratification to raise their kids under one roof and tuck them in every night. But once their off and we feel we've done the lion's share of our job as parents, it's our turn to focus on our happiness again with whatever time we have left.

This is me as well. I have basically hated my wife for 15 years, but sacrificed my happiness for my kids stability. I never cheated and I do regret marrying her, but my commitment is more important than my happiness. 2 more years….

You mean you’re staying for the free high quality child care, cooking, home mgmt, scheduling, health monitoring, cleaning and logistics mgmt your unpaid wife is doing, while also working a full time job or not.

Oh and you also get an ego and image boost because you appear like a functional Family Guy. Not only working all the time but likeable enough to still be married and see your kids anytime when convenient.

So instead of fixing the underlying issues in your marriage and household, you tag along like the selfish leech that you are, doing your own thing but continuing the facade of a married father.

Amazing how off base you can be. This is not something I tell the people in my life. She is the one with the image boost from not having the world know that she would leave the kids home to go cheat during the day. I love my kids more than I value my happiness. Since those times she has become a great mom, but she is a horrible spouse.

You sound like you could benefit from meeting a man in real life as an individual. I am far from perfect, but I do apologize when I am wrong and attempt to make decisions that will not only benefit me. I also don’t run from responsibility. Living with the pain of this marriage is much harder than I ever imagined, because I see the loss of us and the woman I loved every day.

So your wife, a “great mom” now, years before that, left her young kids home alone to supposedly go cheat and have an affair? And you confronted her? Or assumed? Or nothing?

That’s great you love your kids. everyone does, even absentee incarcerated fathers of six. They all say they love their children so, so much.

But talk is cheap. Action is where it’s at. Care is demonstrated love. Not words.

You either really know crappy people or are you dealing with a situation that feels personal to you? It reads like you either disagree with my decisions or hate the idea of a person sacrificing their wants, needs and desires for someone else that they care about.

Yes I confronted and it was confirmed, though not immediately and only partially. I know enough to know the love of my life would never treat me the way my wife did.

I am not out to destroy her, she will get half of everything and find a job prior to our D, but I don’t believe my kids should wonder if they were unworthy because of our poor decisions. I may be handling this wrong, but I won’t find out until later if my commitment to their wellbeing over my happiness pays dividends for them. I hope I am lucky enough to find someone else to create a fulfilling relationship without the burden of betrayal, heartbreak and shame.

We are civil with each other and engaged with the kids, I yearn for the time when the woman who broke me and destroyed our family is significantly less prominent in my life. She would like us to reconcile, but the damage done through HER ACTIONS AND WORDS was not cheap. I paid a high price for her lack of character, commitment and values, including being judged by an anonymous, self-righteous internet troll with no knowledge of my situation.

Hopefully, I will be lucky enough to find a woman to love and respect, who also loves and respects me someday.

You sound like you have a fragile ego and can hold a grudge. I was married to a man like you and it nearly destroyed me. Sure, I could be projecting and your wife is/was truly awful. But your self-righteous resentment is also pretty awful.

You may be right, especially considering how much her treatment of me and betrayal impacted how I see myself and the world. My resentment has a self righteous aspect, yet I had no resentment towards her prior. As I said, I am far from perfect and am partially to blame for the state of our relationship when she decided to break our vows, build a secret life and treat me like I was the abusive cheater. She gave the energy she committed to our marriage to someone else, instead of investing in our relationship and family.

Life is hard for all of us, marriage gives us a partner to work through the challenges. She resented me for not making her happy/ fulfilled and everyone around her should trade their happiness for hers.

That was not the values of the woman I believed she was when I asked her to be my wife, those are the values of a person with no value.

I may be reading into this, but it sounds like you are avoiding taking responsibility for your part in the destruction of the marriage. Resenting him because of his reaction to your actions and rather than caring about his perspective, you blame his fragile ego for the problems.

Whoever you are, the more you write, the more F’s up YOU seem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

I know a few long term SAHMs who chose gray divorce, once their husbands were at retirement. They stayed during the working years, and then become financially sound by taking (rightfully) half of the retirement and savings and having their own life/retirement with more choices.

I'll never understand this tradeoff. Life is so short, I just don't understand being miserable for years and then once you are well into your late 50s suddenly you have all this grandiose plans with all this money. Travel, romance, fun sex etc all of that is more enjoyable when you are younger

Kids. That's it. Some parents choose delayed gratification to raise their kids under one roof and tuck them in every night. But once their off and we feel we've done the lion's share of our job as parents, it's our turn to focus on our happiness again with whatever time we have left.

This is me as well. I have basically hated my wife for 15 years, but sacrificed my happiness for my kids stability. I never cheated and I do regret marrying her, but my commitment is more important than my happiness. 2 more years….

You mean you’re staying for the free high quality child care, cooking, home mgmt, scheduling, health monitoring, cleaning and logistics mgmt your unpaid wife is doing, while also working a full time job or not.

Oh and you also get an ego and image boost because you appear like a functional Family Guy. Not only working all the time but likeable enough to still be married and see your kids anytime when convenient.

So instead of fixing the underlying issues in your marriage and household, you tag along like the selfish leech that you are, doing your own thing but continuing the facade of a married father.

Amazing how off base you can be. This is not something I tell the people in my life. She is the one with the image boost from not having the world know that she would leave the kids home to go cheat during the day. I love my kids more than I value my happiness. Since those times she has become a great mom, but she is a horrible spouse.

You sound like you could benefit from meeting a man in real life as an individual. I am far from perfect, but I do apologize when I am wrong and attempt to make decisions that will not only benefit me. I also don’t run from responsibility. Living with the pain of this marriage is much harder than I ever imagined, because I see the loss of us and the woman I loved every day.

I was in a similar situation and feel this guy's pain. Now I'm divorced and happier. My kids figured out the score and thanked me for staying until the youngest was out of the house.

I appreciate you sharing a positive outcome from my situation. Sometimes it is hard to push through when I start feeling like I am wasting my life.

And I appreciate the three layers of sock puppeting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

I know a few long term SAHMs who chose gray divorce, once their husbands were at retirement. They stayed during the working years, and then become financially sound by taking (rightfully) half of the retirement and savings and having their own life/retirement with more choices.

I'll never understand this tradeoff. Life is so short, I just don't understand being miserable for years and then once you are well into your late 50s suddenly you have all this grandiose plans with all this money. Travel, romance, fun sex etc all of that is more enjoyable when you are younger

Kids. That's it. Some parents choose delayed gratification to raise their kids under one roof and tuck them in every night. But once their off and we feel we've done the lion's share of our job as parents, it's our turn to focus on our happiness again with whatever time we have left.

This is me as well. I have basically hated my wife for 15 years, but sacrificed my happiness for my kids stability. I never cheated and I do regret marrying her, but my commitment is more important than my happiness. 2 more years….

You mean you’re staying for the free high quality child care, cooking, home mgmt, scheduling, health monitoring, cleaning and logistics mgmt your unpaid wife is doing, while also working a full time job or not.

Oh and you also get an ego and image boost because you appear like a functional Family Guy. Not only working all the time but likeable enough to still be married and see your kids anytime when convenient.

So instead of fixing the underlying issues in your marriage and household, you tag along like the selfish leech that you are, doing your own thing but continuing the facade of a married father.

Amazing how off base you can be. This is not something I tell the people in my life. She is the one with the image boost from not having the world know that she would leave the kids home to go cheat during the day. I love my kids more than I value my happiness. Since those times she has become a great mom, but she is a horrible spouse.

You sound like you could benefit from meeting a man in real life as an individual. I am far from perfect, but I do apologize when I am wrong and attempt to make decisions that will not only benefit me. I also don’t run from responsibility. Living with the pain of this marriage is much harder than I ever imagined, because I see the loss of us and the woman I loved every day.

I was in a similar situation and feel this guy's pain. Now I'm divorced and happier. My kids figured out the score and thanked me for staying until the youngest was out of the house.

Lol. Yay gray divorces after wifey works and maintains the house, raises the kids, and launches the kids for free! The kids always like the fun dad and now I’m even more fun, free and frisky!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ladies, it's been said that to keep a man happy, you need to do 2 things

1. Keep his belly full.

2. Keep his balls empty.

That doesn't end when the kids are out of the house or you turn 50 years old or 60 or 70.

Keeping your marriage together is easy, if you want to.

Who raises the kids then if all you’re doing is cooking and screwing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friends and acquaintances with kids in high school/college are now divorcing at a worrisome rate and struggling emotionally and financially right after that. Is grey divorce more common in the last few years or is just in my social circle?

I didn’t want to sort out or manage a coparenting schedule. No time for that. So I stuck it out, just worked more and took up more work travel.

[Anonymous]

My kids will thank me for not having two houses growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids will thank me for not having two houses growing up.

My kids like two houses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

I know a few long term SAHMs who chose gray divorce, once their husbands were at retirement. They stayed during the working years, and then become financially sound by taking (rightfully) half of the retirement and savings and having their own life/retirement with more choices.

I'll never understand this tradeoff. Life is so short, I just don't understand being miserable for years and then once you are well into your late 50s suddenly you have all this grandiose plans with all this money. Travel, romance, fun sex etc all of that is more enjoyable when you are younger

Kids. That's it. Some parents choose delayed gratification to raise their kids under one roof and tuck them in every night. But once their off and we feel we've done the lion's share of our job as parents, it's our turn to focus on our happiness again with whatever time we have left.

This is me as well. I have basically hated my wife for 15 years, but sacrificed my happiness for my kids stability. I never cheated and I do regret marrying her, but my commitment is more important than my happiness. 2 more years….

You mean you’re staying for the free high quality child care, cooking, home mgmt, scheduling, health monitoring, cleaning and logistics mgmt your unpaid wife is doing, while also working a full time job or not.

Oh and you also get an ego and image boost because you appear like a functional Family Guy. Not only working all the time but likeable enough to still be married and see your kids anytime when convenient.

So instead of fixing the underlying issues in your marriage and household, you tag along like the selfish leech that you are, doing your own thing but continuing the facade of a married father.

Amazing how off base you can be. This is not something I tell the people in my life. She is the one with the image boost from not having the world know that she would leave the kids home to go cheat during the day. I love my kids more than I value my happiness. Since those times she has become a great mom, but she is a horrible spouse.

You sound like you could benefit from meeting a man in real life as an individual. I am far from perfect, but I do apologize when I am wrong and attempt to make decisions that will not only benefit me. I also don’t run from responsibility. Living with the pain of this marriage is much harder than I ever imagined, because I see the loss of us and the woman I loved every day.

I was in a similar situation and feel this guy's pain. Now I'm divorced and happier. My kids figured out the score and thanked me for staying until the youngest was out of the house.

Lol. Yay gray divorces after wifey works and maintains the house, raises the kids, and launches the kids for free! The kids always like the fun dad and now I’m even more fun, free and frisky!

I thought the scenario in this thread is the SAHM cheating while her DH was at work, not the working woman who does everything at home and is totally taken for granted. Your scenario sounds like a horrible situation with a real jacka$$. Glad you a found your groove!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids will thank me for not having two houses growing up.

My kids like two houses.

Your kids like 2 people competing for their affection and spoiling them. I’m not sure that will teach them the same lessons as an intact family, but they aren’t my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

I know a few long term SAHMs who chose gray divorce, once their husbands were at retirement. They stayed during the working years, and then become financially sound by taking (rightfully) half of the retirement and savings and having their own life/retirement with more choices.

I'll never understand this tradeoff. Life is so short, I just don't understand being miserable for years and then once you are well into your late 50s suddenly you have all this grandiose plans with all this money. Travel, romance, fun sex etc all of that is more enjoyable when you are younger

Kids. That's it. Some parents choose delayed gratification to raise their kids under one roof and tuck them in every night. But once their off and we feel we've done the lion's share of our job as parents, it's our turn to focus on our happiness again with whatever time we have left.

This is me as well. I have basically hated my wife for 15 years, but sacrificed my happiness for my kids stability. I never cheated and I do regret marrying her, but my commitment is more important than my happiness. 2 more years….

You mean you’re staying for the free high quality child care, cooking, home mgmt, scheduling, health monitoring, cleaning and logistics mgmt your unpaid wife is doing, while also working a full time job or not.

Oh and you also get an ego and image boost because you appear like a functional Family Guy. Not only working all the time but likeable enough to still be married and see your kids anytime when convenient.

So instead of fixing the underlying issues in your marriage and household, you tag along like the selfish leech that you are, doing your own thing but continuing the facade of a married father.

Amazing how off base you can be. This is not something I tell the people in my life. She is the one with the image boost from not having the world know that she would leave the kids home to go cheat during the day. I love my kids more than I value my happiness. Since those times she has become a great mom, but she is a horrible spouse.

You sound like you could benefit from meeting a man in real life as an individual. I am far from perfect, but I do apologize when I am wrong and attempt to make decisions that will not only benefit me. I also don’t run from responsibility. Living with the pain of this marriage is much harder than I ever imagined, because I see the loss of us and the woman I loved every day.

So your wife, a “great mom” now, years before that, left her young kids home alone to supposedly go cheat and have an affair? And you confronted her? Or assumed? Or nothing?

That’s great you love your kids. everyone does, even absentee incarcerated fathers of six. They all say they love their children so, so much.

But talk is cheap. Action is where it’s at. Care is demonstrated love. Not words.

You either really know crappy people or are you dealing with a situation that feels personal to you? It reads like you either disagree with my decisions or hate the idea of a person sacrificing their wants, needs and desires for someone else that they care about.

Yes I confronted and it was confirmed, though not immediately and only partially. I know enough to know the love of my life would never treat me the way my wife did.

I am not out to destroy her, she will get half of everything and find a job prior to our D, but I don’t believe my kids should wonder if they were unworthy because of our poor decisions. I may be handling this wrong, but I won’t find out until later if my commitment to their wellbeing over my happiness pays dividends for them. I hope I am lucky enough to find someone else to create a fulfilling relationship without the burden of betrayal, heartbreak and shame.

We are civil with each other and engaged with the kids, I yearn for the time when the woman who broke me and destroyed our family is significantly less prominent in my life. She would like us to reconcile, but the damage done through HER ACTIONS AND WORDS was not cheap. I paid a high price for her lack of character, commitment and values, including being judged by an anonymous, self-righteous internet troll with no knowledge of my situation.

Hopefully, I will be lucky enough to find a woman to love and respect, who also loves and respects me someday.

You sound like you have a fragile ego and can hold a grudge. I was married to a man like you and it nearly destroyed me. Sure, I could be projecting and your wife is/was truly awful. But your self-righteous resentment is also pretty awful.

You may be right, especially considering how much her treatment of me and betrayal impacted how I see myself and the world. My resentment has a self righteous aspect, yet I had no resentment towards her prior. As I said, I am far from perfect and am partially to blame for the state of our relationship when she decided to break our vows, build a secret life and treat me like I was the abusive cheater. She gave the energy she committed to our marriage to someone else, instead of investing in our relationship and family.

Life is hard for all of us, marriage gives us a partner to work through the challenges. She resented me for not making her happy/ fulfilled and everyone around her should trade their happiness for hers.

That was not the values of the woman I believed she was when I asked her to be my wife, those are the values of a person with no value.

I may be reading into this, but it sounds like you are avoiding taking responsibility for your part in the destruction of the marriage. Resenting him because of his reaction to your actions and rather than caring about his perspective, you blame his fragile ego for the problems.

Whoever you are, the more you write, the more F’s up YOU seem.

Thank you. It means a lot coming from the GOAT of F’ed up.