How do people in this area afford divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your QOL goes down. A lot. And probably permanently. I’m not saying this to discourage you, but it’s just the fact, and not just in this area.

You actually don’t need 3 bedrooms. That’s a level of QOL that not all families enjoy.

I think you fail to account for how much one’s mental health and overall well being can return/thrive when free of an abusive or addiction laden marriage.

I’m not failing to account for it, I’m explaining how you afford it. Which is by cutting back on QOL things like the # of bedrooms that feels “necessary.”

But you’re not accounting for the long term financial benefit of health and safety and wellbeing. So when you say ones QOL goes down, “probably permanently” I think you’re being pretty bold. I think staying alive and healthy is a lot better than staying in a 4 br home with an abuser. So I’d weigh that into my decision of what I could afford, were I mathing this for myself.

You’re trying to read in something I’m not saying. I won’t speculate as to why, but it’s very obvious what you’re trying to make me have said is not what I said.

You wrote- plainly that OP would “probably permanently” have a decreased QOL. I think that’s an awful, discouraging message to give any woman in an abusive situation- especially one who is in an “escalating” abuse situation.

Oh come on. BSing someone about their finances is not discouraging! A person in this kind of situation needs real talk so that they can make good decisions. Not cheerleading and rosy scenarios. Yes, divorce is often a permanent QOL decrease. It was for both of my parents. And that's fine. It was worth it. Two homes are more expensive than one and it's not some awful message. It's reality.

No, it’s a lack of comprehension on your part. You assuming me as a single mom is less happy with, say, 5 bedrooms and an abusive partner than I would be in a 3 br apartment and peace. And you have zero idea what you’re walking about. Sorry you’re still smarting from mom and dads split but you have no business telling women their life will get worse when they leave an abuser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your QOL goes down. A lot. And probably permanently. I’m not saying this to discourage you, but it’s just the fact, and not just in this area.

You actually don’t need 3 bedrooms. That’s a level of QOL that not all families enjoy.

I think you fail to account for how much one’s mental health and overall well being can return/thrive when free of an abusive or addiction laden marriage.

I’m not failing to account for it, I’m explaining how you afford it. Which is by cutting back on QOL things like the # of bedrooms that feels “necessary.”

But you’re not accounting for the long term financial benefit of health and safety and wellbeing. So when you say ones QOL goes down, “probably permanently” I think you’re being pretty bold. I think staying alive and healthy is a lot better than staying in a 4 br home with an abuser. So I’d weigh that into my decision of what I could afford, were I mathing this for myself.

You’re trying to read in something I’m not saying. I won’t speculate as to why, but it’s very obvious what you’re trying to make me have said is not what I said.

You wrote- plainly that OP would “probably permanently” have a decreased QOL. I think that’s an awful, discouraging message to give any woman in an abusive situation- especially one who is in an “escalating” abuse situation.

Oh come on. BSing someone about their finances is not discouraging! A person in this kind of situation needs real talk so that they can make good decisions. Not cheerleading and rosy scenarios. Yes, divorce is often a permanent QOL decrease. It was for both of my parents. And that's fine. It was worth it. Two homes are more expensive than one and it's not some awful message. It's reality.

No, it’s a lack of comprehension on your part. You assuming me as a single mom is less happy with, say, 5 bedrooms and an abusive partner than I would be in a 3 br apartment and peace. And you have zero idea what you’re walking about. Sorry you’re still smarting from mom and dads split but you have no business telling women their life will get worse when they leave an abuser.

With all due respect (and I say this as someone with personal experience here), since OP hasn't defined the abuse we really don't know. The word does get thrown around until it's almost meaningless by the Very Online, just like narcissist does. And financial stress is a real thing that totally impacts how life feels. I agree we can't guarantee OP will definitely be less happy, but we also can't guarantee she will be more so. The peace but extra responsibility and financial stress in a small apartment may well feel fabulous compared to living in fear of being hit. Or abuse might be more along the lines of sometimes walking on eggshells but sometimes life is good, and then it's a more gray area that only OP can decide for herself - and only OP and kids have to live with the results.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your QOL goes down. A lot. And probably permanently. I’m not saying this to discourage you, but it’s just the fact, and not just in this area.

You actually don’t need 3 bedrooms. That’s a level of QOL that not all families enjoy.

I think you fail to account for how much one’s mental health and overall well being can return/thrive when free of an abusive or addiction laden marriage.

I’m not failing to account for it, I’m explaining how you afford it. Which is by cutting back on QOL things like the # of bedrooms that feels “necessary.”

But you’re not accounting for the long term financial benefit of health and safety and wellbeing. So when you say ones QOL goes down, “probably permanently” I think you’re being pretty bold. I think staying alive and healthy is a lot better than staying in a 4 br home with an abuser. So I’d weigh that into my decision of what I could afford, were I mathing this for myself.

You’re trying to read in something I’m not saying. I won’t speculate as to why, but it’s very obvious what you’re trying to make me have said is not what I said.

You wrote- plainly that OP would “probably permanently” have a decreased QOL. I think that’s an awful, discouraging message to give any woman in an abusive situation- especially one who is in an “escalating” abuse situation.

Oh come on. BSing someone about their finances is not discouraging! A person in this kind of situation needs real talk so that they can make good decisions. Not cheerleading and rosy scenarios. Yes, divorce is often a permanent QOL decrease. It was for both of my parents. And that's fine. It was worth it. Two homes are more expensive than one and it's not some awful message. It's reality.

No, it’s a lack of comprehension on your part. You assuming me as a single mom is less happy with, say, 5 bedrooms and an abusive partner than I would be in a 3 br apartment and peace. And you have zero idea what you’re walking about. Sorry you’re still smarting from mom and dads split but you have no business telling women their life will get worse when they leave an abuser.

I'm saying it because OP has expressed concern about how finances will impact her QOL. She clearly thinks it matters.

[Anonymous]

OP here. The abuse is escalating and impacting my children. When it was just me I handled it to try for them, but it’s now what my therapist says is one of the worst abuse cases she’s seen someone try to deal with. I don’t want to go into details, but the abuse is serious. I have documented items that the women’s abuse shelter attorney says could get me a retraining order and use of the house but it’s temporary and I’d prefer to find something more solid for my kids than bouncing them around. I’m trying to organize everything to leave but I don’t have access to marital funds. There’s significant equity in the house but not quickly accessible either.

I am fine with my financial quality of life decreasing, but I also want a safe environment for my children and school is very important. I don’t want a huge house, small and modest is fine as long as I have access to quality schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your QOL goes down. A lot. And probably permanently. I’m not saying this to discourage you, but it’s just the fact, and not just in this area.

You actually don’t need 3 bedrooms. That’s a level of QOL that not all families enjoy.

I think you fail to account for how much one’s mental health and overall well being can return/thrive when free of an abusive or addiction laden marriage.

I’m not failing to account for it, I’m explaining how you afford it. Which is by cutting back on QOL things like the # of bedrooms that feels “necessary.”

But you’re not accounting for the long term financial benefit of health and safety and wellbeing. So when you say ones QOL goes down, “probably permanently” I think you’re being pretty bold. I think staying alive and healthy is a lot better than staying in a 4 br home with an abuser. So I’d weigh that into my decision of what I could afford, were I mathing this for myself.

You’re trying to read in something I’m not saying. I won’t speculate as to why, but it’s very obvious what you’re trying to make me have said is not what I said.

You wrote- plainly that OP would “probably permanently” have a decreased QOL. I think that’s an awful, discouraging message to give any woman in an abusive situation- especially one who is in an “escalating” abuse situation.

Oh come on. BSing someone about their finances is not discouraging! A person in this kind of situation needs real talk so that they can make good decisions. Not cheerleading and rosy scenarios. Yes, divorce is often a permanent QOL decrease. It was for both of my parents. And that's fine. It was worth it. Two homes are more expensive than one and it's not some awful message. It's reality.

No, it’s a lack of comprehension on your part. You assuming me as a single mom is less happy with, say, 5 bedrooms and an abusive partner than I would be in a 3 br apartment and peace. And you have zero idea what you’re walking about. Sorry you’re still smarting from mom and dads split but you have no business telling women their life will get worse when they leave an abuser.

With all due respect (and I say this as someone with personal experience here), since OP hasn't defined the abuse we really don't know. The word does get thrown around until it's almost meaningless by the Very Online, just like narcissist does. And financial stress is a real thing that totally impacts how life feels. I agree we can't guarantee OP will definitely be less happy, but we also can't guarantee she will be more so. The peace but extra responsibility and financial stress in a small apartment may well feel fabulous compared to living in fear of being hit. Or abuse might be more along the lines of sometimes walking on eggshells but sometimes life is good, and then it's a more gray area that only OP can decide for herself - and only OP and kids have to live with the results.

Saying “everyone claims abuse” delegitimizes the fact that most tell the truth. So I’ve made a conscious choice to believe people when they claim abuse, and to support them getting out of abusive situations. I wonldnt focus on promising them their life will be worse, like PP did, because that wasn’t my experience as an abused woman (who also hid it very well).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make $115k. Daycare alone is $4200 a month, our mortgage is $5500 - clearly would have to sell but even a much smaller house/less desirable schools is nearly that amount. With three kids need at least 3 bedrooms. I can’t see how it’s feasible. Abusive relationship, have been sticking it out but it’s getting worse.

I'm not sure I can give an answer that would be something you could fix now. Our mortgage was far lower and we had fewer kids. We made these choices because we did not think we could afford more than that.

It's likely that the two of you could have lived further beneath your means. If not now, then you might need to do that in the future to get out of the bad situation.

I wish I had better news or a better path for you than that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why young women have more than one child without being independently wealthy or having family money. It increases your chances of falling into poverty.

This is proven by data. You have to be careful about the number of kids you have. In certain cultures--in the US, too--encouraging women to have lots of kids just keeps the women more dependent and, therefore, compliant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Spouse makes $450k, but bc of his abuse I don’t want to rely on him for necessities like a mortgage. I’m sure he’ll be ordered to pay child support.

Can I really not move 30 minutes away? I’d have to to be able to afford something.

Maybe he should move and not you. I'd consult a lawyer because I've heard it's important not to be the first to move out. But I would speak with an attorney, and I am not one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The abuse is escalating and impacting my children. When it was just me I handled it to try for them, but it’s now what my therapist says is one of the worst abuse cases she’s seen someone try to deal with. I don’t want to go into details, but the abuse is serious. I have documented items that the women’s abuse shelter attorney says could get me a retraining order and use of the house but it’s temporary and I’d prefer to find something more solid for my kids than bouncing them around. I’m trying to organize everything to leave but I don’t have access to marital funds. There’s significant equity in the house but not quickly accessible either.

I am fine with my financial quality of life decreasing, but I also want a safe environment for my children and school is very important. I don’t want a huge house, small and modest is fine as long as I have access to quality schools.

OP, you should look at townhouses and condos. You arent going to want to take care of a lawn or the other maintenance a house requires on your own. You should strongly consider downsizing to something you can maintain yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The abuse is escalating and impacting my children. When it was just me I handled it to try for them, but it’s now what my therapist says is one of the worst abuse cases she’s seen someone try to deal with. I don’t want to go into details, but the abuse is serious. I have documented items that the women’s abuse shelter attorney says could get me a retraining order and use of the house but it’s temporary and I’d prefer to find something more solid for my kids than bouncing them around. I’m trying to organize everything to leave but I don’t have access to marital funds. There’s significant equity in the house but not quickly accessible either.

I am fine with my financial quality of life decreasing, but I also want a safe environment for my children and school is very important. I don’t want a huge house, small and modest is fine as long as I have access to quality schools.

OP the home size is the last thing you should be thinking about if the abuse is as severe as you say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The abuse is escalating and impacting my children. When it was just me I handled it to try for them, but it’s now what my therapist says is one of the worst abuse cases she’s seen someone try to deal with. I don’t want to go into details, but the abuse is serious. I have documented items that the women’s abuse shelter attorney says could get me a retraining order and use of the house but it’s temporary and I’d prefer to find something more solid for my kids than bouncing them around. I’m trying to organize everything to leave but I don’t have access to marital funds. There’s significant equity in the house but not quickly accessible either.

I am fine with my financial quality of life decreasing, but I also want a safe environment for my children and school is very important. I don’t want a huge house, small and modest is fine as long as I have access to quality schools.

Follow your attorney's advice with the restraining order and temporary use of the house, and work on your safety plan. The first step is to have access to money. Has the women's shelter given you advice on that? Buyer gift cards at the grocery store, sell/pawn things, loan from a family member, loan against your 401k, access to a HLOC, etc. It will be a while before you can reach a settlement to buy anything. Right now, focus on your short-term to medium-term housing situation, including the shelter and other temporary housing if you need to run. You'll figure out the long-term later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The abuse is escalating and impacting my children. When it was just me I handled it to try for them, but it’s now what my therapist says is one of the worst abuse cases she’s seen someone try to deal with. I don’t want to go into details, but the abuse is serious. I have documented items that the women’s abuse shelter attorney says could get me a retraining order and use of the house but it’s temporary and I’d prefer to find something more solid for my kids than bouncing them around. I’m trying to organize everything to leave but I don’t have access to marital funds. There’s significant equity in the house but not quickly accessible either.

I am fine with my financial quality of life decreasing, but I also want a safe environment for my children and school is very important. I don’t want a huge house, small and modest is fine as long as I have access to quality schools.

Follow your attorney's advice with the restraining order and temporary use of the house, and work on your safety plan. The first step is to have access to money. Has the women's shelter given you advice on that? Buyer gift cards at the grocery store, sell/pawn things, loan from a family member, loan against your 401k, access to a HLOC, etc. It will be a while before you can reach a settlement to buy anything. Right now, focus on your short-term to medium-term housing situation, including the shelter and other temporary housing if you need to run. You'll figure out the long-term later.

If the abuse is serious enough to get a restraining order then even if that's not the route you take, you need a safety plan. Now. One that includes your kids. If you've already spoken to the women's shelter I hope you have that. Have they connected you with a pro bono lawyer who can help you on the finances? At least in Virginia The Women's Center maintains a list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The abuse is escalating and impacting my children. When it was just me I handled it to try for them, but it’s now what my therapist says is one of the worst abuse cases she’s seen someone try to deal with. I don’t want to go into details, but the abuse is serious. I have documented items that the women’s abuse shelter attorney says could get me a retraining order and use of the house but it’s temporary and I’d prefer to find something more solid for my kids than bouncing them around. I’m trying to organize everything to leave but I don’t have access to marital funds. There’s significant equity in the house but not quickly accessible either.

I am fine with my financial quality of life decreasing, but I also want a safe environment for my children and school is very important. I don’t want a huge house, small and modest is fine as long as I have access to quality schools.

OP I am divorced. My ex wife cheated on me and she filed for divorce. Abuse is a red line. Please safely leave. I hope some qualified people here can guide how to do so.

I am struggling financially but my mental health is great. I'm glad I left my marriage and mine was not as bad as yours. She just betrayed me. But you are getting physically and verbally abused please take care of yourself. Also make sure he doesn't know you are playing on here.

[Anonymous]

You are living a very expensive lifestyle. You find an apartment for $2K or less a month, home day care/preschool, etc.

How do we live? We live in a crummy 900 foot house that needs lots of repairs and updates that you'd never live in. We don't vacation. We shop clearance online/walmart, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made 2x what you do.

No, kids don’t need their own bedroom, wtf.

Stop being a martyr, get your sh*t together and leave.

It’s not crazy to need 2 bedrooms for the kids. OP may have pubescent kids and show me how a 15 year old girl can share a room with a 13 year old boy in a healthy way.

My brother and I did it. My kids did it. Nothing unhealthy about it, unless you simply must lounge naked on your bed. No one is doing that in my house anyway.