How do people in this area afford divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The abuse is escalating and impacting my children. When it was just me I handled it to try for them, but it’s now what my therapist says is one of the worst abuse cases she’s seen someone try to deal with. I don’t want to go into details, but the abuse is serious. I have documented items that the women’s abuse shelter attorney says could get me a retraining order and use of the house but it’s temporary and I’d prefer to find something more solid for my kids than bouncing them around. I’m trying to organize everything to leave but I don’t have access to marital funds. There’s significant equity in the house but not quickly accessible either.

I am fine with my financial quality of life decreasing, but I also want a safe environment for my children and school is very important. I don’t want a huge house, small and modest is fine as long as I have access to quality schools.

I hope you find it, OP. A close family member was in the same position and ended up moving in with a friend. It was crowded but gave her breathing room while navigating the rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made 2x what you do.

No, kids don’t need their own bedroom, wtf.

Stop being a martyr, get your sh*t together and leave.

It’s not crazy to need 2 bedrooms for the kids. OP may have pubescent kids and show me how a 15 year old girl can share a room with a 13 year old boy in a healthy way.

This is so ridiculous. What about two brothers one of whom is gay. Should they not share a room either? Opposite sex kids can share….may just need to change in the bathroom.

[Anonymous]

OP- I am a lawyer. You will very likely keep the house and the kids if your husband makes $450K and he is abusing you. You will also get child support and possibly alimony too. You can do this. Get a lawyer and get out.

[Anonymous]

You don’t need three bedrooms! Your kids need to see you safe and whole. Rent a one or two bedroom apartment. Get bunk beds. Let him figure out the house. Just get out. You will be relieved once you are out. I have three kids and most nights they end up in my king size bed. Just model for them healthy boundaries and self respect that is the most important investment you can give them.

[Anonymous]

OP, please get yourself and the kids out. Safety first. It won’t be easy, but better than living like you are. You need to protect your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make $115k. Daycare alone is $4200 a month, our mortgage is $5500 - clearly would have to sell but even a much smaller house/less desirable schools is nearly that amount. With three kids need at least 3 bedrooms. I can’t see how it’s feasible. Abusive relationship, have been sticking it out but it’s getting worse.

They don't always get divorced for this reason, or they delay it. This happened to a friend, for whom it was a mutual divorce and amicable. They worked out that they'd basically be paying the same (mortgage, expenses, etc.) EACH if they divorced and if they stayed married, it was 2 incomes to the one set of expenses. So they stayed married for YEARS after deciding to separate. They were able to squirrel aways some money and finally divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I am a lawyer. You will very likely keep the house and the kids if your husband makes $450K and he is abusing you. You will also get child support and possibly alimony too. You can do this. Get a lawyer and get out.

You don’t know that. At all. Real lawyers don’t give advice over the internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why young women have more than one child without being independently wealthy or having family money. It increases your chances of falling into poverty.

I actually agree with this. People should do what they want but I think it's dumb to have more than one child unless you have family money or considerable family health (like could move in with them if you had to, they can provide childcare, etc.).

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Your QOL goes down. A lot. And probably permanently. I’m not saying this to discourage you, but it’s just the fact, and not just in this area.

You actually don’t need 3 bedrooms. That’s a level of QOL that not all families enjoy.

I think you fail to account for how much one’s mental health and overall well being can return/thrive when free of an abusive or addiction laden marriage.

I’m not failing to account for it, I’m explaining how you afford it. Which is by cutting back on QOL things like the # of bedrooms that feels “necessary.”

But you’re not accounting for the long term financial benefit of health and safety and wellbeing. So when you say ones QOL goes down, “probably permanently” I think you’re being pretty bold. I think staying alive and healthy is a lot better than staying in a 4 br home with an abuser. So I’d weigh that into my decision of what I could afford, were I mathing this for myself.

You’re trying to read in something I’m not saying. I won’t speculate as to why, but it’s very obvious what you’re trying to make me have said is not what I said.

You wrote- plainly that OP would “probably permanently” have a decreased QOL. I think that’s an awful, discouraging message to give any woman in an abusive situation- especially one who is in an “escalating” abuse situation.

Oh come on. BSing someone about their finances is not discouraging! A person in this kind of situation needs real talk so that they can make good decisions. Not cheerleading and rosy scenarios. Yes, divorce is often a permanent QOL decrease. It was for both of my parents. And that's fine. It was worth it. Two homes are more expensive than one and it's not some awful message. It's reality.

No, it’s a lack of comprehension on your part. You assuming me as a single mom is less happy with, say, 5 bedrooms and an abusive partner than I would be in a 3 br apartment and peace. And you have zero idea what you’re walking about. Sorry you’re still smarting from mom and dads split but you have no business telling women their life will get worse when they leave an abuser.

With all due respect (and I say this as someone with personal experience here), since OP hasn't defined the abuse we really don't know. The word does get thrown around until it's almost meaningless by the Very Online, just like narcissist does. And financial stress is a real thing that totally impacts how life feels. I agree we can't guarantee OP will definitely be less happy, but we also can't guarantee she will be more so. The peace but extra responsibility and financial stress in a small apartment may well feel fabulous compared to living in fear of being hit. Or abuse might be more along the lines of sometimes walking on eggshells but sometimes life is good, and then it's a more gray area that only OP can decide for herself - and only OP and kids have to live with the results.

Saying “everyone claims abuse” delegitimizes the fact that most tell the truth. So I’ve made a conscious choice to believe people when they claim abuse, and to support them getting out of abusive situations. I wonldnt focus on promising them their life will be worse, like PP did, because that wasn’t my experience as an abused woman (who also hid it very well).

+1

[Anonymous]

For me, getting out was the best thing. It's like immediately being able to breather and think clearly. Then again, we didn't have any money. He was using my credit cards.
Getting out also meant I can take my cards with me. I was in much deeper whole. I also got arrested when he attacked me. Nobody asked it this had happened before.
OP, you still see what you can get from him, while I was glad he wasn't able to put me into further debt and beat me. Get some perspective.
My kids are doing great, because I got out and they got out.

[Anonymous]

One option is to wait until the child is no longer in daycare. Put funds aside. If the abuse isn't physical (in which case you have to go now), try to hold off even for 6 months to prepare.