SIL doesn’t want DH to see her kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- even with the projections and insults, I do appreciate the responses. I’m going to give my BIL and his family space for the foreseeable future and not reach out or be offended. As far as DH, how he communicates with them is on him, but if he visits again in the next year, I’m going to do something else. I’m going to let them work whatever this is about out on their own.

you weren't reaching out--your husband was. so this isn't a change. but if you want to stay away from the family that's on you. Don't be offended if they are more willing to get together without you there; it's just a data point that they see you as the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- even with the projections and insults, I do appreciate the responses. I’m going to give my BIL and his family space for the foreseeable future and not reach out or be offended. As far as DH, how he communicates with them is on him, but if he visits again in the next year, I’m going to do something else. I’m going to let them work whatever this is about out on their own.

you weren't reaching out--your husband was. so this isn't a change. but if you want to stay away from the family that's on you. Don't be offended if they are more willing to get together without you there; it's just a data point that they see you as the problem.

It is a change, as I make hotel reservations and purchase food for these visits for everyone. I am going to stop doing that and stop attending if my husband makes plans otherwise. Try reading and check your assumptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your idea of "owe" is imo weird. You apparently don't really want to hang out with that family hence feel non need to try to resolve what's going on.
Own THAT.
You don't want to see them but post about them not wanting to see you, lol.

I don’t appreciate being his family’s cash cow, which is an expectation they have that I did not mention as it was not the crux of the problem I posted about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

It's not about you. Really. Your BIL is a mess. You need to include SIL when making plans.

This +100 this. Stop making a big deal about it this time, and make sure SIL is part of any discussions in the future.

DH and I have been married longer (BIL and SIL are younger). We don’t text each other’s families. That’s never been a problem with anyone but BIL/SIL after they got married and had kids.

Right, because people with small kids are less flexible and more stressed. SIL might have been okay with short notice visits and flaky BIL in the past but now she isn't. Anyone that has kids would understand this. Sorry your DH is clueless and your BIL sucks. Team SIL.

We have kids, so nice assumption there. That’s why I asked DH to give at least 3 weeks notice. I also treated him like a toddler and asked to see his texts so I knew he notified them early enough.

I’m not going to visit again because ugh drama and it’s not my family so not my problem.

I think you are making this a much bigger deal than it is. BIL dropped the ball. SIL was annoyed. You can move past this.

No, I’m just not going to make plans to visit on our own. And I’m not going to hold my breath expecting an invitation either. That’s the opposite of making a big deal out of it.

So…. Shutting down a family relationship without even asking what was going on and making assumptions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your idea of "owe" is imo weird. You apparently don't really want to hang out with that family hence feel non need to try to resolve what's going on.
Own THAT.
You don't want to see them but post about them not wanting to see you, lol.

I don’t appreciate being his family’s cash cow, which is an expectation they have that I did not mention as it was not the crux of the problem I posted about.

hahahaha. You really resent taking that food to their house, OP! wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's not about you. Really. Your BIL is a mess. You need to include SIL when making plans.

This +100 this. Stop making a big deal about it this time, and make sure SIL is part of any discussions in the future.

DH and I have been married longer (BIL and SIL are younger). We don’t text each other’s families. That’s never been a problem with anyone but BIL/SIL after they got married and had kids.

Right, because people with small kids are less flexible and more stressed. SIL might have been okay with short notice visits and flaky BIL in the past but now she isn't. Anyone that has kids would understand this. Sorry your DH is clueless and your BIL sucks. Team SIL.

We have kids, so nice assumption there. That’s why I asked DH to give at least 3 weeks notice. I also treated him like a toddler and asked to see his texts so I knew he notified them early enough.

I’m not going to visit again because ugh drama and it’s not my family so not my problem.

I think you are making this a much bigger deal than it is. BIL dropped the ball. SIL was annoyed. You can move past this.

No, I’m just not going to make plans to visit on our own. And I’m not going to hold my breath expecting an invitation either. That’s the opposite of making a big deal out of it.

So…. Shutting down a family relationship without even asking what was going on and making assumptions?

I’m not shutting it down. I’m just not initiating anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's not about you. Really. Your BIL is a mess. You need to include SIL when making plans.

This +100 this. Stop making a big deal about it this time, and make sure SIL is part of any discussions in the future.

DH and I have been married longer (BIL and SIL are younger). We don’t text each other’s families. That’s never been a problem with anyone but BIL/SIL after they got married and had kids.

Right, because people with small kids are less flexible and more stressed. SIL might have been okay with short notice visits and flaky BIL in the past but now she isn't. Anyone that has kids would understand this. Sorry your DH is clueless and your BIL sucks. Team SIL.

We have kids, so nice assumption there. That’s why I asked DH to give at least 3 weeks notice. I also treated him like a toddler and asked to see his texts so I knew he notified them early enough.

I’m not going to visit again because ugh drama and it’s not my family so not my problem.

I think you are making this a much bigger deal than it is. BIL dropped the ball. SIL was annoyed. You can move past this.

No, I’m just not going to make plans to visit on our own. And I’m not going to hold my breath expecting an invitation either. That’s the opposite of making a big deal out of it.

So…. Shutting down a family relationship without even asking what was going on and making assumptions?

I’m not shutting it down. I’m just not initiating anymore.

You didn't initiate in the first place. Your husband did. He does most of the visiting with these people without you even in attendance, apparently. This idea you have of yourself as a beleagured cash cow for bringing food to their house on 3 visits over however many years and as an exhausted cruise director for reading your husband's texts after the fact is very, very silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's not about you. Really. Your BIL is a mess. You need to include SIL when making plans.

This +100 this. Stop making a big deal about it this time, and make sure SIL is part of any discussions in the future.

DH and I have been married longer (BIL and SIL are younger). We don’t text each other’s families. That’s never been a problem with anyone but BIL/SIL after they got married and had kids.

Right, because people with small kids are less flexible and more stressed. SIL might have been okay with short notice visits and flaky BIL in the past but now she isn't. Anyone that has kids would understand this. Sorry your DH is clueless and your BIL sucks. Team SIL.

We have kids, so nice assumption there. That’s why I asked DH to give at least 3 weeks notice. I also treated him like a toddler and asked to see his texts so I knew he notified them early enough.

I’m not going to visit again because ugh drama and it’s not my family so not my problem.

I think you are making this a much bigger deal than it is. BIL dropped the ball. SIL was annoyed. You can move past this.

No, I’m just not going to make plans to visit on our own. And I’m not going to hold my breath expecting an invitation either. That’s the opposite of making a big deal out of it.

Is English not your first language? I ask because you seem to have some issues with communication.

You are making a big deal out of what happened by choosing to stomp your foot and be petty.

[Anonymous]

OP, please take a deep breath. You are massively overreacting. This has nothing to do with you so why would you not go if your DH is going? It’s fine to skip if you really don’t enjoy them, but seems like you want to back away because you are offended.

BIL dropped the ball. It (rightly) annoyed SIL. Move along and quick obsessing about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please take a deep breath. You are massively overreacting. This has nothing to do with you so why would you not go if your DH is going? It’s fine to skip if you really don’t enjoy them, but seems like you want to back away because you are offended.

BIL dropped the ball. It (rightly) annoyed SIL. Move along and quick obsessing about it

The assumptions are really revealing on this thread.

I’m not offended. I’m not obsessing either. I’m simply walking away. Boundaries. I’m over the drama.

[Anonymous]

The overreaction and drama from OP is hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op sounds like a nightmare and I'm sure SIL has her reasons for not being thrilled about the visit.

+1. Especially the "OP sounds like a nightmare" part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op sounds like a nightmare and I'm sure SIL has her reasons for not being thrilled about the visit.

+1. Especially the "OP sounds like a nightmare" part.

Leaving you alone is your idea of a nightmare? Weird.

[Anonymous]

Well, I 100% see why SIL doesn't want her kids around them! You're definitely doing her a favor staying away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- even with the projections and insults, I do appreciate the responses. I’m going to give my BIL and his family space for the foreseeable future and not reach out or be offended. As far as DH, how he communicates with them is on him, but if he visits again in the next year, I’m going to do something else. I’m going to let them work whatever this is about out on their own.

you weren't reaching out--your husband was. so this isn't a change. but if you want to stay away from the family that's on you. Don't be offended if they are more willing to get together without you there; it's just a data point that they see you as the problem.

It is a change, as I make hotel reservations and purchase food for these visits for everyone. I am going to stop doing that and stop attending if my husband makes plans otherwise. Try reading and check your assumptions.

that's not reaching out. making hotel reservations for you and your spouse, and purchasing food, are different than reaching out. You did not communicate with your BIL or SIL; your husband talked to his brother. Which is fine, but you should be clear in your communications both here and with family if you want to be understood.