SIL doesn’t want DH to see her kids

[Anonymous]

If DH and BIL (and SIL) all communicate as obliquely as you do, then that's 90% of the problem. I still have no idea what actually happened, and I've read more of this thread than I should admit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think BIL is embarrassed that he forgot or chose not to tell her in advance, and is trying to make her look like the bad guy and she's not going along with it.

Or maybe she doesn't like you and your DH.

Or maybe there's something seriously wrong in this family that they know about and you don't. Keep that in the back of your mind.

Could be all of the above. That’s why I just want to stop planning visits.

Ok then stop

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound annoying. And you’re acting like your visit is some sort of special gift. You’re not the Queen of England. No one cares.

And it’s obnoxious you refuse to give SIL a heads up, knowing the brothers are bad at this. A quick “heads up about the brothers texting about a visit on XX date, your husband has details” doesn’t take long.

And I doubt you’re spending “hundreds of dollars” on food. I think you like drama. And might have narcissistic tendencies. It’s dripping from your posts.

[Anonymous]

So you married a pervert?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and his brother seem to get along for the most part, but we just had an odd planned visit with them.

DH had a habit of calling the day before and saying “we are passing through! Want to visit for awhile?” If they say yes, we stop by for two hours to chat and then leave. No expectations.

We did this a few months ago and DH and I got to meet our little nieces. They are preschool age.

We had a visit with more notice recently and SIL sent the kids away to her parents when she found out we were coming. DH told his brother weeks ago but BIL didn’t tell his wife until two days before we arrived. We stay in a hotel, provide a meal for the family, and limit our visits to 2-4 hours.

SIL has never mentioned a problem with me or DH. I was with DH when he was playing with his nieces and nothing concerning happened. So was BIL.

Should we stop visiting just over this? They never visit us, so this is a one direction relationship anyway. DH is having a tough time letting it go, but I’m getting exhausted from spending hundreds of dollars and precious free time on them when this is going on.

No, I don’t know why SIL found out about our visit so late.

I do t see what the problem is. You haven’t asked WHY the nieces were sent away.

Maybe that was always planned, or is a big monthly occurrence.

Why are you taking it personally or like it has anything to do with your or your H?did I miss that part?

[Anonymous]

My SIL no longer wants to spend extended time with us due to my spouse’s temper tantrums.

So no more visits to each others’ homes for a few days out of state or mutually staying at my parents home out of state.

Sux for the cousins who are all age 6-12.

But OP hasn’t really articulated what the issue is.

Did the parents actually say: no more visits or no more kids at our encounters?

My SIL said it and there was clearly nothing me, my brother, my husband (who yes has issues) or my parents can say or do about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were coming to meet the kids. They used to live across the country until the past year. That was what DH said to his brother weeks ago. I let him lead communication with his family. He’s met his nieces twice before this (3 times for the oldest). I met the older one twice.

The panicked texting that started the day before we arrived is why I suspect SIL didn’t want us to see the kids.

-OP

So you suspect and don’t know. Stand down. Let the brothers have the relationship they want and they can talk about it with each other if they have issues. You should stop suspecting and projecting and stirring up drama.

[Anonymous]

It’s very rude to just announce a stop by to someone’s home. Especially when they have children and the place is likely a mess. She probably cleans nonstop for you the second she hears that you’re coming. I would have put a stop to it after the very first time. Not let it be a “habit”. A very rude habit.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

It's not about you. Really. Your BIL is a mess. You need to include SIL when making plans.

This +100 this. Stop making a big deal about it this time, and make sure SIL is part of any discussions in the future.

DH and I have been married longer (BIL and SIL are younger). We don’t text each other’s families. That’s never been a problem with anyone but BIL/SIL after they got married and had kids.

Right, because people with small kids are less flexible and more stressed. SIL might have been okay with short notice visits and flaky BIL in the past but now she isn't. Anyone that has kids would understand this. Sorry your DH is clueless and your BIL sucks. Team SIL.

We have kids, so nice assumption there. That’s why I asked DH to give at least 3 weeks notice. I also treated him like a toddler and asked to see his texts so I knew he notified them early enough.

I’m not going to visit again because ugh drama and it’s not my family so not my problem.

I think you are making this a much bigger deal than it is. BIL dropped the ball. SIL was annoyed. You can move past this.

No, I’m just not going to make plans to visit on our own. And I’m not going to hold my breath expecting an invitation either. That’s the opposite of making a big deal out of it.

DP here. But the point we're making is that your title is wrong, and it's likely not your SIL's fault. Make plans, don't make plans. But stop blaming only one person out of 4 adults, without any proof.

BIL texted that to DH. That’s what it’s the title.

The way you release details in snippets is annoying AF

Agreed. I can see why your visits are not wanted. Too much drama.

[Anonymous]

So, SIL and BIL didn't know they were coming; then they found out, they sent the kids away; then OP is telling someone she thinks is her SIL, "You can pay for your own food, entitled SIL."
The SIL that didn't know they were coming, didn't ask for food, had to partake of some weird food they brought, is entitled and should pay for her own food?
What the heck?

[Anonymous]

Who announces a visit 24 hours before?