SIL doesn’t want DH to see her kids

[Anonymous]

Wait, what panicked texting?

It sounds like your SIL is annoyed that her husband made family plans but forgot to tell her. She might have had grandparent time planned all along and didn't want to cancel it.

Why must your DH spring surprise visits on this family? Can't he plan in advance like a normal person? Sounds like his brother is to blame for this one. I don't blame SIL for being annoyed and refusing to change her plans.

[Anonymous]

I would think BIL is embarrassed that he forgot or chose not to tell her in advance, and is trying to make her look like the bad guy and she's not going along with it.

Or maybe she doesn't like you and your DH.

Or maybe there's something seriously wrong in this family that they know about and you don't. Keep that in the back of your mind.

[Anonymous]

I feel for your SIL. She was given no notice by her husband. Unless you have kids you have no idea how stressful it is. She had to clean the house and get it ready for you to come over. If it was in the middle of the day it was during nap time. Or the kids already had plans with the grandparents. You don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems you are jumping to conclusions about SIL “purposely sending the kids away” unless BIL told you/DH exactly that. And even if it is true, why on earth would BIL tell you?!

Did I read correctly that you did not meet your nieces until they were preschool aged? If true, why is that?

As another poster said, it is certainly possible that BIL/SIL feel the need to keep the kids away based on something BIL knows about your DH (and shared this info with his wife). If this is what is going on, your DH would have the best insight as to the reason so ask him.

BIL texted that. No reason given. Just panicked excuses. We offered to cancel in response but he asked us not to.

You need to be more clear, OP. What exactly did BIL say to you and your DH?

If SIL had already made a plan with grandparents she probably didn't want to cancel it because her husband rudely forgot to tell her about this visit. If she was going to have a kid-free weekend, she wouldn't want to give that up just so you and your DH can do one of your surprise mini visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel for your SIL. She was given no notice by her husband. Unless you have kids you have no idea how stressful it is. She had to clean the house and get it ready for you to come over. If it was in the middle of the day it was during nap time. Or the kids already had plans with the grandparents. You don't know.

This. She probably hates your DH for his habit of short notice visits. And her DH probably doesn't help and ridicules her for being annoyed by it or for trying to make the house less gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were coming to meet the kids. They used to live across the country until the past year. That was what DH said to his brother weeks ago. I let him lead communication with his family. He’s met his nieces twice before this (3 times for the oldest). I met the older one twice.

The panicked texting that started the day before we arrived is why I suspect SIL didn’t want us to see the kids.

-OP

This is new information. What was the panicked texting about?

I saw some of the texts. Not all.

One said the kids were sick, half an hour later another one said they were going swimming with her mom. That’s when I suggested to DH that we offer to cancel and visit at another time. BIL texted back no please come it’s fine. Odd text chain. It looked to me like an inconsistent tone in the texts. All from BIL’s number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think BIL is embarrassed that he forgot or chose not to tell her in advance, and is trying to make her look like the bad guy and she's not going along with it.

Or maybe she doesn't like you and your DH.

Or maybe there's something seriously wrong in this family that they know about and you don't. Keep that in the back of your mind.

Could be all of the above. That’s why I just want to stop planning visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were coming to meet the kids. They used to live across the country until the past year. That was what DH said to his brother weeks ago. I let him lead communication with his family. He’s met his nieces twice before this (3 times for the oldest). I met the older one twice.

The panicked texting that started the day before we arrived is why I suspect SIL didn’t want us to see the kids.

-OP

This is new information. What was the panicked texting about?

I saw some of the texts. Not all.

One said the kids were sick, half an hour later another one said they were going swimming with her mom. That’s when I suggested to DH that we offer to cancel and visit at another time. BIL texted back no please come it’s fine. Odd text chain. It looked to me like an inconsistent tone in the texts. All from BIL’s number.

BIL told your husband that it was fine to visit and didn't tell his wife. When he finally got around to telling her two days before you are supposed to arrive, SIL flips out because she had already made plans for the kids to spend the day with her mother. BIL realizes he messed up and tries to lie that the kids are sick before telling the truth.

It's not about you. Really. Your BIL is a mess. You need to include SIL when making plans.

[Anonymous]

You need a group family text so your poor SIL knows what's going on.

[Anonymous]

I don’t follow the timelines in your OP but it’s clear to me that she’s annoyed by the last minute visits. Next time, plan ahead and maybe a group chain with all 4 of you. If the same thing happens, then more is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It's not about you. Really. Your BIL is a mess. You need to include SIL when making plans.

This +100 this. Stop making a big deal about it this time, and make sure SIL is part of any discussions in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's not about you. Really. Your BIL is a mess. You need to include SIL when making plans.

This +100 this. Stop making a big deal about it this time, and make sure SIL is part of any discussions in the future.

DH and I have been married longer (BIL and SIL are younger). We don’t text each other’s families. That’s never been a problem with anyone but BIL/SIL after they got married and had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's not about you. Really. Your BIL is a mess. You need to include SIL when making plans.

This +100 this. Stop making a big deal about it this time, and make sure SIL is part of any discussions in the future.

DH and I have been married longer (BIL and SIL are younger). We don’t text each other’s families. That’s never been a problem with anyone but BIL/SIL after they got married and had kids.

Right, because people with small kids are less flexible and more stressed. SIL might have been okay with short notice visits and flaky BIL in the past but now she isn't. Anyone that has kids would understand this. Sorry your DH is clueless and your BIL sucks. Team SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's not about you. Really. Your BIL is a mess. You need to include SIL when making plans.

This +100 this. Stop making a big deal about it this time, and make sure SIL is part of any discussions in the future.

DH and I have been married longer (BIL and SIL are younger). We don’t text each other’s families. That’s never been a problem with anyone but BIL/SIL after they got married and had kids.

Right, because people with small kids are less flexible and more stressed. SIL might have been okay with short notice visits and flaky BIL in the past but now she isn't. Anyone that has kids would understand this. Sorry your DH is clueless and your BIL sucks. Team SIL.

We have kids, so nice assumption there. That’s why I asked DH to give at least 3 weeks notice. I also treated him like a toddler and asked to see his texts so I knew he notified them early enough.

I’m not going to visit again because ugh drama and it’s not my family so not my problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's not about you. Really. Your BIL is a mess. You need to include SIL when making plans.

This +100 this. Stop making a big deal about it this time, and make sure SIL is part of any discussions in the future.

DH and I have been married longer (BIL and SIL are younger). We don’t text each other’s families. That’s never been a problem with anyone but BIL/SIL after they got married and had kids.

Right, because people with small kids are less flexible and more stressed. SIL might have been okay with short notice visits and flaky BIL in the past but now she isn't. Anyone that has kids would understand this. Sorry your DH is clueless and your BIL sucks. Team SIL.

We have kids, so nice assumption there. That’s why I asked DH to give at least 3 weeks notice. I also treated him like a toddler and asked to see his texts so I knew he notified them early enough.

I’m not going to visit again because ugh drama and it’s not my family so not my problem.

I think you are making this a much bigger deal than it is. BIL dropped the ball. SIL was annoyed. You can move past this.