Does getting married mean you just slowly lose yourself until there's nothing left?

[Anonymous]

You are in a really really hard phase of life right now. Having a baby and preschooler is no joke. Your body isn’t healed yet and you’re probably still lacking sleep. So first, give yourself some grace.

Is it possible that there is any PPD going on? Did you have the same concerns before having the second kid? Before having the first kid?

First, therapy. Because PPD or not, you have a lot to work through, and that’s ok. I know it just sounds like one more obligation, but it’s the best thing you can do for yourself right now and it takes priority over DH’s happy hour plans.

Bring in household help if you can to lighten the load somewhere. A nanny or daycare for a day or two each week. Help house cleaning or cooking.

Have you talked to DH about any of this? A true sit down heart to heart? He might think you’re doing a great job managing everything and has no idea that you’re having a hard time. You give up a part of yourself when having children for sure, and he needs to let something go so that it’s not all on you.

What do you want your life to look like? What can you change to get closer to that? Work, hobbies, friendships. Decide what you want to and take steps towards that. But everything takes time, and doing it with a baby and home isn’t easy.

Yes, to some extent, you change as an individual when you get married. But you shouldn’t be unhappy or give up core parts of yourself. DH and I have always had some separate friends and travels. It’s important to us both to have the right balance of separate and together time. But to achieve that there’s a LOT of talking about it. Being honest when the balance is off, being honest when one doesn’t think the other is pulling their weight. Communication is key. If you’re communicating and still not finding the right balance, there is a bigger problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t say this lightly but you should divorce. Life is too short. With his BigLaw schedule and salary you’ll get primary custody and child support. You will have to stay in the city you dislike but you can get away from him.

No, she won’t get primary custody. She’ll get 50-50. He can adjust his hours or higher a nanny on his time.

He won’t adjust his hours, lol.

And judges do still pay attention to whether the parent can actually parent. if the plan is “I will have the kids 50% of the time but they will be with the nanny and I won’t arrive until after bedtime” then OP has a strong case to get more than 50%. If he has not been an active parent up until the divorce the judge will also look askance.

I divorced an attorney. Only 5% of cases go to court. He will change hours or hire a nanny to get 50-50 to avoid paying more child support. Men do to all the time; men also do zero and still get 50-50. Mine did and many others I know who while married would not do any childcare when they were married.

OP is on pretty firm legal ground to get more than 50%, whether in court or mediation based on reported cases. A father who hasn’t parenting and isn’t planning on parenting just does not have a claim to 50%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t say this lightly but you should divorce. Life is too short. With his BigLaw schedule and salary you’ll get primary custody and child support. You will have to stay in the city you dislike but you can get away from him.

No, she won’t get primary custody. She’ll get 50-50. He can adjust his hours or higher a nanny on his time.

He won’t adjust his hours, lol.

And judges do still pay attention to whether the parent can actually parent. if the plan is “I will have the kids 50% of the time but they will be with the nanny and I won’t arrive until after bedtime” then OP has a strong case to get more than 50%. If he has not been an active parent up until the divorce the judge will also look askance.

I divorced an attorney. Only 5% of cases go to court. He will change hours or hire a nanny to get 50-50 to avoid paying more child support. Men do to all the time; men also do zero and still get 50-50. Mine did and many others I know who while married would not do any childcare when they were married.

OP is on pretty firm legal ground to get more than 50%, whether in court or mediation based on reported cases. A father who hasn’t parenting and isn’t planning on parenting just does not have a claim to 50%.

For example here is a recent MD case where the surgeon father did not actively parent and had a demanding job, and was denied 50% custody. He got every other weekend.

https://www.courts.state.md.us/sites/default/files/unreported-opinions/0152s23.pdf

[Anonymous]

OP - I'm the wife of a two-lawyer couple with two kids as well. My advice is to get a regular sitter as well as childcare for working and explore parts of yourself apart from work and family life. It's very hard - will get easier when your older one starts K - but lay the groundwork now for you doing what you want as well.

For me, it got better when my kids were 5 and 8, and i started doing girls' weekends and solo vacations. Your time will come but you can get shorter breaks now.