Does getting married mean you just slowly lose yourself until there's nothing left?

[Anonymous]

get your tubes taken out if you dont want any more kids and he wont get a vasectomy

[Anonymous]

I relate you so much op. My kids are now older. Just want to echo everyone else. Spend your money. It’s okay to overspend right now, you need it.

Nanny, Housecleaners, lawn people, only grocery delivery or hello fresh/cook unity, etc

Get out of the house. You have to. At least take a grown up class 2-3x per week. Join a super supportive gym, or yoga, or dance, anything to get your body moving and be in a community of people.

Get on birth control. If you don’t want to have sex with your husband bc he won’t get a vasectomy, don’t. Tell him why.

Get in couples counseling.

Journal everything.

You are not his servant. You have power - you can stop having sex, stop cleaning except for the rooms that you and the kids use, take them out all day to places you like (target, nature centers, pool, etc), make new friends, work on your body. Write. Update your resume, dream about that awesome job you get.

It gets so much better, you’re literally in the worst season. Only uphill from here.

[Anonymous]

Op you write about all these things as though they happened to you, instead of you choosing them. Obviously you chose to marry this man, to have kids with him, to not work, to depend on his income, to move to a city you didn’t like. Take some agency for your life. Get a job, get some hobbies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 37F married to 38M. we met at law school when we were 24. Didn't get married until we were 29 (I wanted to get married earlier but he wouldn't). I moved to his side of town. Joined his church. Started spending all my time with his family.
when we were 31 we moved to another city that I hate for his work. We still live here because apparently he can't get a decent job in our hometown. now we have a 3 year old and 3 month old.

He does what he wants most of the time- Saturdays at rugby (he does take the 3 year old to this), gym whenever he wants, dinners with friends, goes to the pub with friends after work. He also works in biglaw so he is working long hours and I am solo parenting two kids a lot of the time.


I feel like there's nothing left of me. All my family and friends are back in our hometown- my mum has died since we moved away and I never got to spend enough time with her when we visited because husband couldn't be bothered socialising with her. I have no time or energy for any of my own interests or hobbies.

I don't want to live in this city. I feel like a glorified maid and nanny with no life of my own (he does earn good money so at least I don't have to worry financially). I 100% don't want more kids but he refuses to get a vasectomy or wear a condom.

I know it will get easier to do my own thing as the kids get older. I'm planning to move back to my hometown with the kids when they are a few years older and he can travel for work if he wants. I don't know how else to reclaim a life for myself. is this just how marriage and motherhood is?

He is behaving as if he does not want to be a husband or a father.

His priorities are backwards: his work, his hobbies, his friends, ego and image. Not his wife, children or home.

This is terrible, no matter what city you are living in. And no matter if you are in an empty marriage or divorced & coparenting with someone self centered like this.

Do you work OP? Can you start individual therapy to find out what you want to do and get stronger?

You married a selfish narcissistic dud who makes good income and neglects his wife and children.

[Anonymous]

He’s the type who said he wanted to be married and have kids.

But he didn’t want to actually be a husband or be a father. And he isn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are stuck in this mental state of I hate it here. Well turn that mindset around to this place isn’t my first choice but it’s where I’m at and I’m going to make the best of it for my kids. Then do it. You’re giving external thingsthings too much control over whether you’re happy or not. You control that, change your habits, do more things that make you happy. Hire some help if you have to.

The fundamental problem is not what side of the state they live in. It is her husband is behaving like a single bachelor. That’s sad and lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 37F married to 38M. we met at law school when we were 24. Didn't get married until we were 29 (I wanted to get married earlier but he wouldn't). I moved to his side of town. Joined his church. Started spending all my time with his family.
when we were 31 we moved to another city that I hate for his work. We still live here because apparently he can't get a decent job in our hometown. now we have a 3 year old and 3 month old. He does what he wants most of the time- Saturdays at rugby (he does take the 3 year old to this), gym whenever he wants, dinners with friends, goes to the pub with friends after work. He also works in biglaw so he is working long hours and I am solo parenting two kids a lot of the time.
I feel like there's nothing left of me. All my family and friends are back in our hometown- my mum has died since we moved away and I never got to spend enough time with her when we visited because husband couldn't be bothered socialising with her. I have no time or energy for any of my own interests or hobbies. I don't want to live in this city. I feel like a glorified maid and nanny with no life of my own (he does earn good money so at least I don't have to worry financially). I 100% don't want more kids but he refuses to get a vasectomy or wear a condom.
I know it will get easier to do my own thing as the kids get older. I'm planning to move back to my hometown with the kids when they are a few years older and he can travel for work if he wants. I don't know how else to reclaim a life for myself. is this just how marriage and motherhood is?

Is where you live a big city with a decent proportion of transplants?

You need to hire help, focus on yourself, build some support groups there, and demand more family involvement from your spouse. You haven’t said anything he actually does for you, the kids, or the home besides that he takes a 3 yo to watch him play rugby once a week (are you in DC or the manhattan area?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s the type who said he wanted to be married and have kids.

But he didn’t want to actually be a husband or be a father. And he isn’t.

Didn't see that coming? I had no life til the kid started to school. Then I had no life, because of my ex never went anywhere and expected me to be home when he was home.
I went to see my friend once in 5 years and he locked me out. That was his way of saying that he disapproves of me having any time to myself. I partnered up with someone who was not quite right in the head. I left, he took himself out soon after and life is beautiful.
As for you, let him be alone with his own kids during his time at home so you can have some time for you. Not sure why he doesn't see that you need your time.
Mine had ASD and his love language was 'together, but separately'. Definitely not mine. Had never even heard of such bull.

[Anonymous]

No, a healthy marriage means being able to become more than what you were as a single. Your partner encourages you to be your best self, and the shared workload gives you more time to explore your interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s the type who said he wanted to be married and have kids.

But he didn’t want to actually be a husband or be a father. And he isn’t.

Didn't see that coming? I had no life til the kid started to school. Then I had no life, because of my ex never went anywhere and expected me to be home when he was home.
I went to see my friend once in 5 years and he locked me out. That was his way of saying that he disapproves of me having any time to myself. I partnered up with someone who was not quite right in the head. I left, he took himself out soon after and life is beautiful.
As for you, let him be alone with his own kids during his time at home so you can have some time for you. Not sure why he doesn't see that you need your time.
Mine had ASD and his love language was 'together, but separately'. Definitely not mine. Had never even heard of such bull.

Your ex took himself out and life is beautiful? That stuff is genetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you write about all these things as though they happened to you, instead of you choosing them. Obviously you chose to marry this man, to have kids with him, to not work, to depend on his income, to move to a city you didn’t like. Take some agency for your life. Get a job, get some hobbies.

+100

“
. I moved to his side of town. Joined his church. Started spending all my time with his family. when we were 31 we moved to another city that I hate for his work.
“

It sounds to me like you decided to give up yourself and don’t like the choices you made. There are many wives who don’t attend the same church as their husbands.

Why on earth did you spend all of your time with his family while neglecting your aging mother?

Frankly you have trained your husband that it’s your natural desire to acquiescence to whatever he wants so he probably has no idea that you dislike this setup.

Grow a backbone and stop being a doormat if you aren’t enjoying the tradwife experience. Even most tradwives have a lot more agency in their role than you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I feel like there's nothing left of me. All my family and friends are back in our hometown-

Honestly, this makes you sound like a naive country bumpkin. Make new friends.

[Anonymous]

I don’t say this lightly but you should divorce. Life is too short. With his BigLaw schedule and salary you’ll get primary custody and child support. You will have to stay in the city you dislike but you can get away from him.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you sure you went to law school? You sound very weak and uneducated, especially for 37. I'm not buying it. "his side of town. Joined his church. Started spending all my time with his family." Troll. This is not someone who graduated from law school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you sure you went to law school? You sound very weak and uneducated, especially for 37. I'm not buying it. "his side of town. Joined his church. Started spending all my time with his family." Troll. This is not someone who graduated from law school.

It’s funny I thought the same thing reading the OP. I wonder if they met while the DH was in law school? It’s worded very ambiguously and implies that OP was in law school, but does not actually say so.