Does getting married mean you just slowly lose yourself until there's nothing left?

[Anonymous]

Nope. That's how your marriage is and I'm very sorry. I married a less than attractive and not tall man. Who seemed very similar to my dad and I played it right. I have been so lucky and he is supportive, good parent, lets me do what I want, has his own hobbies as well and is supportive of my career goals. A choice in partner is one of the most important we make, and we don't always know what we are in for. But you can still make adjustments to your life to find yourself in it and what you need. It takes two to ruin something most of the time.

[Anonymous]

I don't get where everyone is reading from the OP that her DH is a terrible dad. He works a ton and she stays home, so yeah, he's not going to be around a ton. That's literally the trade off when you decide not to work, that your spouse is going to have to work -more- than a run of the mill job. But the other stuff OP cites just sounds like he's living a regular life, instead of waiting around for OP to get off her wallowing couch. If I was married to a debbie downer like OP, who didn't do anything, didn't have anything or anyone in the world that they like or had anything nice to say, I'd get up and out of the house alot too.

[Anonymous]

Op, your kids are very little. This is a hard season of life for most moms. Give it some time. Hire help to give yourself some breathing room

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get where everyone is reading from the OP that her DH is a terrible dad. He works a ton and she stays home, so yeah, he's not going to be around a ton. That's literally the trade off when you decide not to work, that your spouse is going to have to work -more- than a run of the mill job. But the other stuff OP cites just sounds like he's living a regular life, instead of waiting around for OP to get off her wallowing couch. If I was married to a debbie downer like OP, who didn't do anything, didn't have anything or anyone in the world that they like or had anything nice to say, I'd get up and out of the house alot too.

you missed the part where she described how he does whatever he wants while she does the childcare; and the part where he refuses to wear a condom or get a vasectomy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 37F married to 38M. we met at law school when we were 24. Didn't get married until we were 29 (I wanted to get married earlier but he wouldn't). I moved to his side of town. Joined his church. Started spending all my time with his family.
when we were 31 we moved to another city that I hate for his work. We still live here because apparently he can't get a decent job in our hometown. now we have a 3 year old and 3 month old. He does what he wants most of the time- Saturdays at rugby (he does take the 3 year old to this), gym whenever he wants, dinners with friends, goes to the pub with friends after work. He also works in biglaw so he is working long hours and I am solo parenting two kids a lot of the time.
I feel like there's nothing left of me. All my family and friends are back in our hometown- my mum has died since we moved away and I never got to spend enough time with her when we visited because husband couldn't be bothered socialising with her. I have no time or energy for any of my own interests or hobbies. I don't want to live in this city. I feel like a glorified maid and nanny with no life of my own (he does earn good money so at least I don't have to worry financially). I 100% don't want more kids but he refuses to get a vasectomy or wear a condom.
I know it will get easier to do my own thing as the kids get older. I'm planning to move back to my hometown with the kids when they are a few years older and he can travel for work if he wants. I don't know how else to reclaim a life for myself. is this just how marriage and motherhood is?

With a toddler and a baby in postpartum period and not much help or socialization, not much sleep, no wonder you are depressed.

First, discuss it with him that to be a good wife and mom, you need to be physically and emotionally strong and need ideas and help.

Put toddler in daycare or preschool for at least 3 hours. Find a gym with babysitting where you can workout. Make some local mommy friends. May he join a stroller walking mommy club. Eat well and try to sleep enough.

Grass is always greener on the other side but its not helpful to your situation. You are smart, stop pitying yourself and embrace your life.

[Anonymous]

Get an IUD for birth control.

Once both kids are in preschool, start exploring options of going back to work.

[Anonymous]

If you can find a good job in your town, he can risk moving there and look for a job without having to worry about paying bills if he is unemployed for a year. He can't take that risk as a sole provider.

[Anonymous]

You’re free to hire a divorce attorney and leave. But I would first find a therapist and work on yourself. You only have one life. No reason to go around being depressed and miserable.

[Anonymous]

Man here: you’re pulling way too much of the kid load. He needs to hire you a weekend nanny if he’s going to gallivant with friends/gym/rugby all weekend.

I don’t know how my buddies play golf 2x-3x per week with kids for 9 months out of the year. I spend A LOT of time with DW and my very energetic boys all weekend. We are exhausted by the time the evening comes, barely get more than 15 minutes to myself during daytimes on the weekend.

So yeah, you are giving all of yourself if your DH is really gone that much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get where everyone is reading from the OP that her DH is a terrible dad. He works a ton and she stays home, so yeah, he's not going to be around a ton. That's literally the trade off when you decide not to work, that your spouse is going to have to work -more- than a run of the mill job. But the other stuff OP cites just sounds like he's living a regular life, instead of waiting around for OP to get off her wallowing couch. If I was married to a debbie downer like OP, who didn't do anything, didn't have anything or anyone in the world that they like or had anything nice to say, I'd get up and out of the house alot too.

you missed the part where she described how he does whatever he wants while she does the childcare; and the part where he refuses to wear a condom or get a vasectomy.

Not that PP but I have been here. We stopped having sex. For 7 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t say this lightly but you should divorce. Life is too short. With his BigLaw schedule and salary you’ll get primary custody and child support. You will have to stay in the city you dislike but you can get away from him.

No, she won’t get primary custody. She’ll get 50-50. He can adjust his hours or higher a nanny on his time.

He won’t adjust his hours, lol.

And judges do still pay attention to whether the parent can actually parent. if the plan is “I will have the kids 50% of the time but they will be with the nanny and I won’t arrive until after bedtime” then OP has a strong case to get more than 50%. If he has not been an active parent up until the divorce the judge will also look askance.

I divorced an attorney. Only 5% of cases go to court. He will change hours or hire a nanny to get 50-50 to avoid paying more child support. Men do to all the time; men also do zero and still get 50-50. Mine did and many others I know who while married would not do any childcare when they were married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not how marriage is, but it sounds more like how life is with a 3 month old (which is why I am so scared of having a second kid). I would hire help for the kids and join a gym, and start making some time for your own hobbies and friends.

This. It’s a rough season of life right now. For me, it did get better and I hope it does for you, too. See a doc about possible PPD. Hire some help for the housework and some childcare.

You are probably exhausted right now, so just doing those two things feels like climbing a mountain. Can you call a service and have someone over to babysit and clean while you sleep? Then, it might feel easier to make an appointment and see the doc. Once you either rule out or treat the potential PPD, you can keep the household help and use that time to join a book club, Bible study, or some other group. Having that social support really helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not how marriage is, but it sounds more like how life is with a 3 month old (which is why I am so scared of having a second kid). I would hire help for the kids and join a gym, and start making some time for your own hobbies and friends.

This. It’s a rough season of life right now. For me, it did get better and I hope it does for you, too. See a doc about possible PPD. Hire some help for the housework and some childcare.

You are probably exhausted right now, so just doing those two things feels like climbing a mountain. Can you call a service and have someone over to babysit and clean while you sleep? Then, it might feel easier to make an appointment and see the doc. Once you either rule out or treat the potential PPD, you can keep the household help and use that time to join a book club, Bible study, or some other group. Having that social support really helps.

Agree with the suggestions to get an IUD. You can address the potential PPD and IUD in the same appointment to save you time.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT have another kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 37F married to 38M. we met at law school when we were 24. Didn't get married until we were 29 (I wanted to get married earlier but he wouldn't). I moved to his side of town. Joined his church. Started spending all my time with his family.
when we were 31 we moved to another city that I hate for his work. We still live here because apparently he can't get a decent job in our hometown. now we have a 3 year old and 3 month old.

He does what he wants most of the time- Saturdays at rugby (he does take the 3 year old to this), gym whenever he wants, dinners with friends, goes to the pub with friends after work. He also works in biglaw so he is working long hours and I am solo parenting two kids a lot of the time.


I feel like there's nothing left of me. All my family and friends are back in our hometown- my mum has died since we moved away and I never got to spend enough time with her when we visited because husband couldn't be bothered socialising with her. I have no time or energy for any of my own interests or hobbies.

I don't want to live in this city. I feel like a glorified maid and nanny with no life of my own (he does earn good money so at least I don't have to worry financially). I 100% don't want more kids but he refuses to get a vasectomy or wear a condom.

I know it will get easier to do my own thing as the kids get older. I'm planning to move back to my hometown with the kids when they are a few years older and he can travel for work if he wants. I don't know how else to reclaim a life for myself. is this just how marriage and motherhood is?

He is behaving as if he does not want to be a husband or a father.

His priorities are backwards: his work, his hobbies, his friends, ego and image. Not his wife, children or home.

This is terrible, no matter what city you are living in. And no matter if you are in an empty marriage or divorced & coparenting with someone self centered like this.

Do you work OP? Can you start individual therapy to find out what you want to do and get stronger?

You married a selfish narcissistic dud who makes good income and neglects his wife and children.

All of this!