Does getting married mean you just slowly lose yourself until there's nothing left?
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Anonymous
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Yes you will lose yourself if your spouse is not article supporting, you, the kids or the property or schedule.
You are being dumped on and it’s a game of chicken. He won’t lift a finger for anything except his office job/paycheck, and he knows you will do everything or else the kids will suffer. Deadweights like this, even if a lawyer, end up divorced. |
Anonymous
| *actively |
Anonymous
+100. It’s either now or 10 years from now when OP is even more ground down and depressed. This reminds me of the new mom posting that her DH wants to take a golf trip 5 weeks PP … it does not actually get better with deadweights. It gets worse. There is an argument for waiting things out while the kids are little so as not to lose and custody time. But OP should consider whether the DH would actually fight for 50% and get it - considering his BigLaw schedule. Divorcing now when it’s even clearer that he cannot do 50% may be a good move. I waited until my kid was 11 and have some regrets. It affected his mental health and it pretty much removed me from any potential dating pool because I’m older and frankly broke down due to the decade of bullsh-t. But on the other hand it allowed me to become totally financially independent and DC is old enough that I don’t have to be worried about his physical safety when with DH. But at the end of the day … life is so much better now. I wish I had shed the dead weight years ago. |
Anonymous
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You choose your life. Embrace it .. Find things to do or divorce and move back to the city you’re from. |
Anonymous
| You do lose some of your self when you get married because you are now a couple rather than just a self. But that’s ok. Becoming a doormat is not Ok. |
Anonymous
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TAKE ACTION NOW:
1. Hire nanny 2. Get some hobbies 3. Travel more 4. Go see your family more 5. Don’t ask permission, just DO |
Anonymous
This was my exact reaction. OP if you were smart enough to go to law school, you are smart enough to get out of this mess. Go back to work and divorce as soon as possible. |
Anonymous
| Pretty much, yes. I got divorced at 42. I don’t regret it because I hated being married and we were never in love. I was also working full-time and doing almost all the childcare as well and it was exhausting and it mostly still is. I have eight more years of coparenting left and I am 47. Divorce isn’t better. It’s just different. Both situations are pretty bad, but yes, motherhood—you pretty much lose yourself. |
Anonymous
I just posted, but I’ll also respond to this which is is that a divorce really doesn’t make things better because coparenting and logistics of housing and scheduling completely sucks the truth is you never get rid of the person if you have kids because the default is usually 50-50 unless the guy gives up custody, which is incredibly rare so a divorce doesn’t really make this better. It actually makes it worse in a lot of ways so don’t recommend divorce unless you know What it really entails. It’s not necessarily better. It’s just different. You have to pick which poison you can live with. Just getting a divorce does not improve the situation— far from it. I’m divorced and have been in coparenting hell for five years and I have eight years to go sometimes I think I should’ve just waited longer because it’s not really better. It’s just different, but I am glad not to be married to him, however, financially and logistically, it was easier before. We just ignored each other —that was easier than coparenting for the past five years and for the next eight. |
Anonymous
No, she won’t get primary custody. She’ll get 50-50. He can adjust his hours or higher a nanny on his time. |
Anonymous
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Get an IUD.
And I also think it is the kids weighing you down more than the marriage. Get a job, even though you don’t need it financially. Find one you enjoy. You’ll naturally start to meet people and do more things outside the house. And if you decide to leave the marriage later, then you’ll already be working and able to support yourself. |
Anonymous
Ding ding ding. The gym is a great outlet! Many of them have onsite daycare. You get a few hours to yourself to work on your fitness and mental wellbeing, and it’s very social - you can meet lots of other women there too. |
Anonymous
| No that is not how marriage is. Your marriage is a sum of your choices. You sound like a doormat and that is on you. You can change it though. |
Anonymous
disagree. Not having to live with someone I despise has made everything better. But I don’t sweat the small stuff and don’t even really attempt to “coparent.” If he wants to be a jerk to me about kids shoes or whatever, he is welcome to do that, I do not react. The big decisions that are still hard to make jointly would be equally hard if we were together- actually much worse because I would be stuck in the same house with him during arguments. |
Anonymous
He won’t adjust his hours, lol. And judges do still pay attention to whether the parent can actually parent. if the plan is “I will have the kids 50% of the time but they will be with the nanny and I won’t arrive until after bedtime” then OP has a strong case to get more than 50%. If he has not been an active parent up until the divorce the judge will also look askance. |