Does getting married mean you just slowly lose yourself until there's nothing left?
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Anonymous
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I'm 37F married to 38M. we met at law school when we were 24. Didn't get married until we were 29 (I wanted to get married earlier but he wouldn't). I moved to his side of town. Joined his church. Started spending all my time with his family.
when we were 31 we moved to another city that I hate for his work. We still live here because apparently he can't get a decent job in our hometown. now we have a 3 year old and 3 month old. He does what he wants most of the time- Saturdays at rugby (he does take the 3 year old to this), gym whenever he wants, dinners with friends, goes to the pub with friends after work. He also works in biglaw so he is working long hours and I am solo parenting two kids a lot of the time. I feel like there's nothing left of me. All my family and friends are back in our hometown- my mum has died since we moved away and I never got to spend enough time with her when we visited because husband couldn't be bothered socialising with her. I have no time or energy for any of my own interests or hobbies. I don't want to live in this city. I feel like a glorified maid and nanny with no life of my own (he does earn good money so at least I don't have to worry financially). I 100% don't want more kids but he refuses to get a vasectomy or wear a condom. I know it will get easier to do my own thing as the kids get older. I'm planning to move back to my hometown with the kids when they are a few years older and he can travel for work if he wants. I don't know how else to reclaim a life for myself. is this just how marriage and motherhood is? |
Anonymous
| You are stuck in this mental state of I hate it here. Well turn that mindset around to this place isn’t my first choice but it’s where I’m at and I’m going to make the best of it for my kids. Then do it. You’re giving external thingsthings too much control over whether you’re happy or not. You control that, change your habits, do more things that make you happy. Hire some help if you have to. |
Anonymous
| OP- thanks this is good advice |
Anonymous
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No, this is not how a healthy marriage should be. You’ve said nothing positive about your marriage or DH other than that he makes a lot of money, which honestly isn’t even that important compared to everything else a good husband and dad should bring to the table.
It sounds like you’ve made many sacrifices for him over the years, but what has he sacrificed for you in return? Can you talk to him about these feelings? If you can’t talk to him directly, what about marriage counseling? |
Anonymous
Agree with this. You don’t describe your husband as perfect. Actually you describe him as a bit selfish. However, this is the season you’re in. It’s really hard either way young kids and no support network. Venture out into some social activities. If he’s in big law you should be able to afford a sitter at least once in a while. Staying home is not only a sacrifice you’re doing for him. You’re also choosing to raise your children. Dont feel less wanted/needed/important because you were the one sacrificing. And don’t dwell on that. |
Anonymous
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I hope you know this is not how marriage "is." This is specific to your circumstances and choices.
If you dont want to divorce right now, get on birth control, hire some help, and join a book club or sports team. Go visit your hometown without him. And get evaluated for PPD because that's pretty common at 3 mos pp - although, worth saying that just because you may have PPD doesn't mean your situation is good, it's just another layer. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like a miserable marriage yet your post doesn't even seem to hint at the possibility of divorce. Sounds like you've spent your life deferring to him and it's hard to feel too much sympathy for someone who allowed herself to be steamrolled to the point where you've dropped your family in favor of his. Weakling. |
Anonymous
| Not how marriage is, but it sounds more like how life is with a 3 month old (which is why I am so scared of having a second kid). I would hire help for the kids and join a gym, and start making some time for your own hobbies and friends. |
Anonymous
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So sorry to hear that you are feeling like this OP.
Did you + your husband discuss these logistics prior to settling down? I.e., plans for where you would live, etc. I am sorry about your Mother as well. I wish you the best in the future - hopefully you will get the chance to relocate close or in your hometown once your children get older. What does your husband say when you disclose to him how you are feeling? Even though he is supporting the family - I still think he needs to make you + your two children more of a priority in his life. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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The way you feel is completely normal. You are literally going through a huge transformation in your .
It’s unclear to me if you work. I will tell you though I did not have very many friends when my kids were that age because even your closest friends are not hanging out with you unless your kids are around the same age. I’d find a mommy and meat group with kids, the same age. When my kids started school and started activities, I ended up getting a whole new group of friends. If this toddler age is very tough on women and friendships. You need to talk to a therapist. If you don’t work, you need a job. It doesn’t have to be full-time. And it doesn’t have to be immediate, but you have a couple years before both kids are in school full-time right now. I would start thinking about how you could use your skills and then parlay that into a really good flexible job you enjoy. You need a babysitter that you trust so I personally would get a nanny. But you might be able to find a babysitter you trust. This is so you can get a hobby or go work out or something because if you don’t have those things you’re gonna be depressed. If you don’t already have it, get a cleaning crew and have them do your laundry. You don’t do enough things and it sounds like your husband does too many. I don’t think it’s terrible that your husband has hobbies and friends. What is terrible that you don’t. Friends take time but hobbies do not. |
Anonymous
| Do you work OP? My marriage went down a very similar path and I went back to work in order to reclaim my identity. |
Anonymous
Good call on the PPD didn’t think of that. |
Anonymous
| No, this does not sound normal. I'm married to the same man well over 20+ years, we raised 3 children overseas, and now are enjoying empty nesting. I never once felt "lost" or unsure about my path in life. I stayed consistent with my hobbies, friends, and volunteering to this day. |
Anonymous
| Also it sounds like you can easily afford household help and childcare help, so look into that. We had a wonderful live-in nanny for the children's younger days (until age 5) and of course we had some household help to manage the shopping/cleaning/some meals. |
Anonymous
+1. Spend your way out of this situation. Hire help so that you too have time to go out and meet friends, go to the gym, etc. |