80 yo dad married undocumented housekeeper 6 months after my mother’s death

[Anonymous]

Is she taking care of your dad? Is he close by? Are you ready to take over as caregiver?

Before completely freaking out about the situation, I would visit (tell them you want to visit to take them out to dinner to celebrate the marriage and get to know your new stepmom better). Sus out what is going on and make them think you are not suspicious. Your dad will be more open to discussing estate planning. He could easily provide for her with life insurance.

[Anonymous]

Eldercare is VERY HARD. Caregivers often form a bond with their clients. Their clients are understandably grateful, and show it with money. Unless YOU want to take over the caregiving full time, OP, you don't get a say.

Now if you suspect elder abuse, given your father's recent change in personality, you should contact the requisite services where he lives. But I think PP is right: you should first say you're visiting to give them wedding gifts, and try to low-key investigate while you're there. If they don't allow you inside, or refuse to socialize with you, then you alert authorities. NOT ICE! The one for elder abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm convinced estate laws need to be changed. I have so many friend who have been in this situation. Sure, dad can do whatever he wants with his money, but a lot of that money was likely OP's moms and she didn't want it going to a future wife. Or grandparents' money that they wanted to flow down to generations and not out of the family.

FWIW my grandpa was married to someone for only 2 years and she got everything.

Thank you for sharing. This is what I am afraid of but worse she has two deceased husbands already. My dad is diabetic and chaotically disorganized. She could easily over or under dose his insulin and then off to Philippines with his hard earned life’s work.

Not that I have to explain myself to any of uou lot but he was also an immigrant I am not opposed to immigrant. I’m opposed to my idiot dad being taken advantage of in the most clear as gin fashion with no one stopping him. He is smart, in an engineering sense. He’s a literal rocket scientist. But he is dumb I. The most grandiose practical ways. Like he pays his taxes like 5 years late because he’s busy doing math problems 24 hours a day.

No I don’t want to be his caretaker. And he does not want that either. We are not a “caretaker family”. Some are you: you know how grandma moves in with some families? My family on his side is not about this. Absolutely not. Prior to his insane marriage (which by the way no one in my family would attend, only the other disgusting old me he works with and their trophy fake wives went) to an undocumented pirate, the longstanding and well funded plan was for him to go to eventually assisted living apartment or long term care if when he needs it.

Thank you for the practical directional advice to those who commented. It’s not an unusually phenomenon I just never saw it coming, especially immediately after the death of my darling mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm convinced estate laws need to be changed. I have so many friend who have been in this situation. Sure, dad can do whatever he wants with his money, but a lot of that money was likely OP's moms and she didn't want it going to a future wife. Or grandparents' money that they wanted to flow down to generations and not out of the family.

FWIW my grandpa was married to someone for only 2 years and she got everything.

Thank you for sharing. This is what I am afraid of but worse she has two deceased husbands already. My dad is diabetic and chaotically disorganized. She could easily over or under dose his insulin and then off to Philippines with his hard earned life’s work.

Not that I have to explain myself to any of uou lot but he was also an immigrant I am not opposed to immigrant. I’m opposed to my idiot dad being taken advantage of in the most clear as gin fashion with no one stopping him. He is smart, in an engineering sense. He’s a literal rocket scientist. But he is dumb I. The most grandiose practical ways. Like he pays his taxes like 5 years late because he’s busy doing math problems 24 hours a day.

No I don’t want to be his caretaker. And he does not want that either. We are not a “caretaker family”. Some are you: you know how grandma moves in with some families? My family on his side is not about this. Absolutely not. Prior to his insane marriage (which by the way no one in my family would attend, only the other disgusting old me he works with and their trophy fake wives went) to an undocumented pirate, the longstanding and well funded plan was for him to go to eventually assisted living apartment or long term care if when he needs it.

Thank you for the practical directional advice to those who commented. It’s not an unusually phenomenon I just never saw it coming, especially immediately after the death of my darling mother.

Your dad is lonely without your darling mom. A therapist could help you approach this situation with a lot more clarity and acuity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Eldercare is VERY HARD. Caregivers often form a bond with their clients. Their clients are understandably grateful, and show it with money. Unless YOU want to take over the caregiving full time, OP, you don't get a say.

Now if you suspect elder abuse, given your father's recent change in personality, you should contact the requisite services where he lives. But I think PP is right: you should first say you're visiting to give them wedding gifts, and try to low-key investigate while you're there. If they don't allow you inside, or refuse to socialize with you, then you alert authorities. NOT ICE! The one for elder abuse.

I suspect that she already is has intent to continue to commit financial abuse of an elder, immigration fraud of some sort, and the possibility that she will harm him (due to her two prior elderly dead husbands).

If a an ugly but food chain savvy hyena was moved into your home under guise of protecting the home, but clearly starts to attack the vulnerable, you would notice. These people are old, they are unaware of me being able to notice what’s happening or gather information. She is late 50s or early 60s. I feel like I’m being gaslighted in the most obvious way.

The thing is I can’t get her busted for crimes that are not really crimes (yet?) because he married her. That is why I asked about ice. That would be a quick solution to get rid of the pirate who is process of devastating my family.

Sorry about typos my phone autocorrects ruthlessly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gather evidence. Call ICE.

Sure have here sent to gulags in El Salvador b/c OP can't keep up with her dad.

I’m not a judge or jury but I know when bad people do bad things and get away with it. She has done and continues to do bad things. Do you not know about immigration scams and elder abuse? I would happily send all who commit crimes against the vulnerable like children and elders to the gulag, whatever that is. What would you do if someone like this came was actively preying on your vulnerable loved one??? I think you’d be pretty interested in getting the predator out of the situation especially in a legal way. I mean I am a law abiding citizen. Is being ILLEGAL (such as being an undocumented person with no visa hiding out indefinitely when they are not allowed to) illegal?? Maybe until now I didn’t know that I am against crimes being committed against citizens by illegal foreigners. Like isn’t that basic law and expectation? I am also against legal[i] citizens committing illegal actions. It’s the ILLEGAL part that is the problem.

[Anonymous]

Peak DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm convinced estate laws need to be changed. I have so many friend who have been in this situation. Sure, dad can do whatever he wants with his money, but a lot of that money was likely OP's moms and she didn't want it going to a future wife. Or grandparents' money that they wanted to flow down to generations and not out of the family.

FWIW my grandpa was married to someone for only 2 years and she got everything.

Thank you for sharing. This is what I am afraid of but worse she has two deceased husbands already. My dad is diabetic and chaotically disorganized. She could easily over or under dose his insulin and then off to Philippines with his hard earned life’s work.

Not that I have to explain myself to any of uou lot but he was also an immigrant I am not opposed to immigrant. I’m opposed to my idiot dad being taken advantage of in the most clear as gin fashion with no one stopping him. He is smart, in an engineering sense. He’s a literal rocket scientist. But he is dumb I. The most grandiose practical ways. Like he pays his taxes like 5 years late because he’s busy doing math problems 24 hours a day.

No I don’t want to be his caretaker. And he does not want that either. We are not a “caretaker family”. Some are you: you know how grandma moves in with some families? My family on his side is not about this. Absolutely not. Prior to his insane marriage (which by the way no one in my family would attend, only the other disgusting old me he works with and their trophy fake wives went) to an undocumented pirate, the longstanding and well funded plan was for him to go to eventually assisted living apartment or long term care if when he needs it.

Thank you for the practical directional advice to those who commented. It’s not an unusually phenomenon I just never saw it coming, especially immediately after the death of my darling mother.

If my children talked about me the way you’re talking about your father, I wouldn’t want to take their calls either. I prefer not to spend time with people who disrespect me like that then expect me to give them everything I spent my life working for. You and your family rejected him when you chose not to go to his wedding. You sent him a strong message: you don’t want to be around him if he’s with her. He’s responding clearly: he’d rather be with her than to throw away his daily happiness for the chance to talk on the phone with you occasionally and the honor of letting you be his sole beneficiary.

[Anonymous]

Like PP said, speak to an elder law attorney. But be aware that cases like this are very hard to prove.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Eldercare is VERY HARD. Caregivers often form a bond with their clients. Their clients are understandably grateful, and show it with money. Unless YOU want to take over the caregiving full time, OP, you don't get a say.

Now if you suspect elder abuse, given your father's recent change in personality, you should contact the requisite services where he lives. But I think PP is right: you should first say you're visiting to give them wedding gifts, and try to low-key investigate while you're there. If they don't allow you inside, or refuse to socialize with you, then you alert authorities. NOT ICE! The one for elder abuse.

I suspect that she already is has intent to continue to commit financial abuse of an elder, immigration fraud of some sort, and the possibility that she will harm him (due to her two prior elderly dead husbands).

If a an ugly but food chain savvy hyena was moved into your home under guise of protecting the home, but clearly starts to attack the vulnerable, you would notice. These people are old, they are unaware of me being able to notice what’s happening or gather information. She is late 50s or early 60s. I feel like I’m being gaslighted in the most obvious way.

You've received lots of good advice on this thread. What is your plan now?



The thing is I can’t get her busted for crimes that are not really crimes (yet?) because he married her. That is why I asked about ice. That would be a quick solution to get rid of the pirate who is process of devastating my family.

Sorry about typos my phone autocorrects ruthlessly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Eldercare is VERY HARD. Caregivers often form a bond with their clients. Their clients are understandably grateful, and show it with money. Unless YOU want to take over the caregiving full time, OP, you don't get a say.

Now if you suspect elder abuse, given your father's recent change in personality, you should contact the requisite services where he lives. But I think PP is right: you should first say you're visiting to give them wedding gifts, and try to low-key investigate while you're there. If they don't allow you inside, or refuse to socialize with you, then you alert authorities. NOT ICE! The one for elder abuse.

I suspect that she already is has intent to continue to commit financial abuse of an elder, immigration fraud of some sort, and the possibility that she will harm him (due to her two prior elderly dead husbands).

If a an ugly but food chain savvy hyena was moved into your home under guise of protecting the home, but clearly starts to attack the vulnerable, you would notice. These people are old, they are unaware of me being able to notice what’s happening or gather information. She is late 50s or early 60s. I feel like I’m being gaslighted in the most obvious way.




The thing is I can’t get her busted for crimes that are not really crimes (yet?) because he married her. That is why I asked about ice. That would be a quick solution to get rid of the pirate who is process of devastating my family.

Sorry about typos my phone autocorrects ruthlessly.

You've received lots of good advice on this thread. What is your plan now?

[Anonymous]

Of course you can contact ICE. There's no such thing as undocumented, she has a citizenship somewhere that's not for you to figure out. And yes, contact elder care agency in their area. I'm also an immigrant. Lots of Americans are very naive about uneducated, poor foreigners working as domestic "help". Of course she's out to get whatever she can and of course your dad is oblivious. You set her a* on fire by going all in as this is the only way to deal with people like her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gather evidence. Call ICE.

Sure have here sent to gulags in El Salvador b/c OP can't keep up with her dad.

I’m not a judge or jury but I know when bad people do bad things and get away with it. She has done and continues to do bad things. Do you not know about immigration scams and elder abuse? I would happily send all who commit crimes against the vulnerable like children and elders to the gulag, whatever that is. What would you do if someone like this came was actively preying on your vulnerable loved one??? I think you’d be pretty interested in getting the predator out of the situation especially in a legal way. I mean I am a law abiding citizen. Is being ILLEGAL (such as being an undocumented person with no visa hiding out indefinitely when they are not allowed to) illegal?? Maybe until now I didn’t know that I am against crimes being committed against citizens by illegal foreigners. Like isn’t that basic law and expectation? I am also against [b]legal[i] citizens committing illegal actions.[/b] It’s the ILLEGAL part that is the problem.

If you are law-abiding, you also believe in due process and know that immigrants (legal or otherwise) are not currently getting it in interactions with ICE. ICE are (presumably) legal citizens committing illegal actions, on a way larger scale than your dad’s current caregiver.

So maybe what you didn’t know until now is that you are not that attached to the Constitution. It will be easier if you either stop BSing yourself to the contrary or align your actions to your concept of who and what you are.

Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gather evidence. Call ICE.

Sure have here sent to gulags in El Salvador b/c OP can't keep up with her dad.

I’m not a judge or jury but I know when bad people do bad things and get away with it. She has done and continues to do bad things. Do you not know about immigration scams and elder abuse? I would happily send all who commit crimes against the vulnerable like children and elders to the gulag, whatever that is. What would you do if someone like this came was actively preying on your vulnerable loved one??? I think you’d be pretty interested in getting the predator out of the situation especially in a legal way. I mean I am a law abiding citizen. Is being ILLEGAL (such as being an undocumented person with no visa hiding out indefinitely when they are not allowed to) illegal?? Maybe until now I didn’t know that I am against crimes being committed against citizens by illegal foreigners. Like isn’t that basic law and expectation? I am also against legal[i] citizens committing illegal actions. It’s the ILLEGAL part that is the problem.

Why are you so concerned about her immigration status now but couldn't be bothered to attend the wedding and try to do something to stop the moving train before things solidified? Because I hate to break it to you, but as much as you're so convinced that she's illegal, if she's already married to your father, you missed your chance to do something about it.

[Anonymous]

Call ICE.