Sibling adopted drug exposed toddler and their savior complex has because their whole persona

[Anonymous]

I would think carefully about this because it may cause a permanent estrangement. The child may benefit more for having a loving and supportive aunt who understands this situation, which is complex. Yet after great introspection it may be the best to write a letter expressing these concerns. First, I would focus on how happy you are to have this person as a sibling, the memories you cherish, and your sibling's good qualities. Next part would be to say how sad it is that they faced infertility. Then praise and acknowledgement for the adoption and acknowledgement of the hard work and dedication towards the child.

Then...an expression of how selfish, narcissistic (not using those words), and insensitive what your sibling is doing, followed with some key pieces of research.

The conclusion would be, this letter may be upsetting but because I love you and my nephew/niece, I had to let you know. If you would like to talk after reading and thinking about this letter I would love to

Love always,
Your sister/brother

(English major here.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adopted kids are all about the adopters, not the actual adoptees. The kids serve the parents' purpose. This has been going fof decades and decades. Nothing new. This child is one big virtue signal and, in this case, if he ever doesn't need anything overtly, he will be failing them.
Signed,
Baby Scoop Era Adoptee

This is not exclusive to adoptive parents. Some parents also make their biological children all about themselves. It is especially common with people who have narcissistic personality traits.

Sure! But not all parents are narcissists, including adoptive parents. But, in the world of adoption, society has supported the adoptive parents as saviors, and the child needing saving. The child serves the parents as a commodity, relinquishing identity and birth story to the parent's narrative, whatever that may be. The entire paradigm is flipped has been flipped backwards. Adoption should be child centered.

Sounds like you are 70 years old. This hasn’t been true for several decades.

[Anonymous]

Given how you describe the kid you aren’t any better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adopted kids are all about the adopters, not the actual adoptees. The kids serve the parents' purpose. This has been going fof decades and decades. Nothing new. This child is one big virtue signal and, in this case, if he ever doesn't need anything overtly, he will be failing them.
Signed,
Baby Scoop Era Adoptee

This is not exclusive to adoptive parents. Some parents also make their biological children all about themselves. It is especially common with people who have narcissistic personality traits.

Sure! But not all parents are narcissists, including adoptive parents. But, in the world of adoption, society has supported the adoptive parents as saviors, and the child needing saving. The child serves the parents as a commodity, relinquishing identity and birth story to the parent's narrative, whatever that may be. The entire paradigm is flipped has been flipped backwards. Adoption should be child centered.

Sounds like you are 70 years old. This hasn’t been true for several decades.

Lol, not at all. Read a book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adopted kids are all about the adopters, not the actual adoptees. The kids serve the parents' purpose. This has been going fof decades and decades. Nothing new. This child is one big virtue signal and, in this case, if he ever doesn't need anything overtly, he will be failing them.
Signed,
Baby Scoop Era Adoptee

This is not exclusive to adoptive parents. Some parents also make their biological children all about themselves. It is especially common with people who have narcissistic personality traits.

Sure! But not all parents are narcissists, including adoptive parents. But, in the world of adoption, society has supported the adoptive parents as saviors, and the child needing saving. The child serves the parents as a commodity, relinquishing identity and birth story to the parent's narrative, whatever that may be. The entire paradigm is flipped has been flipped backwards. Adoption should be child centered.

Sounds like you are 70 years old. This hasn’t been true for several decades.

Extremely true in 2025 and about to get worse with incoming pro birth legislation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adopted kids are all about the adopters, not the actual adoptees. The kids serve the parents' purpose. This has been going fof decades and decades. Nothing new. This child is one big virtue signal and, in this case, if he ever doesn't need anything overtly, he will be failing them.
Signed,
Baby Scoop Era Adoptee

This is not exclusive to adoptive parents. Some parents also make their biological children all about themselves. It is especially common with people who have narcissistic personality traits.

Sure! But not all parents are narcissists, including adoptive parents. But, in the world of adoption, society has supported the adoptive parents as saviors, and the child needing saving. The child serves the parents as a commodity, relinquishing identity and birth story to the parent's narrative, whatever that may be. The entire paradigm is flipped has been flipped backwards. Adoption should be child centered.

Oh just stop. What is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive parent here. I think OP is right in her concerns. I never posted anything difficult about our kids, though there have been difficult times, and I don't think parents (whether through biology or adoption) should be publicly oversharing. I do, however, get a little annoyed with the dramatic pendulum swing in the adoption world paradigms towards no gratitude towards adoptive parents. I do not expect my children to feel grateful that we adopted them. At all. I do, however, feel like any good parents (either biological or adoptive) deserve some gratitude from a child who gets raised in a loving, supportive home. I certainly feel that gratitude towards my own biological parents---who, while not perfect---were pretty darn great, supportive, and loving. When adoptees are told over and over to focus on their grief and loss regarding their biological family, without any concomitant recognition of also having good parents (albeit ones through adoption), it diminishes the adoptive parents. Anyone raised by a supportive loving family should be grateful for that family---far too many people never get that experience in any family situation.

ITA. My one kid is my child. They come first in everything. Bio or adopted there is no distinction. We begin and end every day just like any other family, including all the ups & downs.

[Anonymous]

How come the toddler gets a gender and it's "my sibling, my sibling" in OP's tortured post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adopted kids are all about the adopters, not the actual adoptees. The kids serve the parents' purpose. This has been going fof decades and decades. Nothing new. This child is one big virtue signal and, in this case, if he ever doesn't need anything overtly, he will be failing them.
Signed,
Baby Scoop Era Adoptee

This is not exclusive to adoptive parents. Some parents also make their biological children all about themselves. It is especially common with people who have narcissistic personality traits.

Sure! But not all parents are narcissists, including adoptive parents. But, in the world of adoption, society has supported the adoptive parents as saviors, and the child needing saving. The child serves the parents as a commodity, relinquishing identity and birth story to the parent's narrative, whatever that may be. The entire paradigm is flipped has been flipped backwards. Adoption should be child centered.

Oh just stop. What is wrong with you?

Nothing is wrong with me or anyone else here responding. It's called "coming out of the fog." It's harder for non adoptees to understand, but there's tons of literature on it.

Living in Adoption’s Emotional Aftermath
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2023/04/10/living-in-adoptions-emotional-aftermath

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adopted kids are all about the adopters, not the actual adoptees. The kids serve the parents' purpose. This has been going fof decades and decades. Nothing new. This child is one big virtue signal and, in this case, if he ever doesn't need anything overtly, he will be failing them.
Signed,
Baby Scoop Era Adoptee

This is not exclusive to adoptive parents. Some parents also make their biological children all about themselves. It is especially common with people who have narcissistic personality traits.

Sure! But not all parents are narcissists, including adoptive parents. But, in the world of adoption, society has supported the adoptive parents as saviors, and the child needing saving. The child serves the parents as a commodity, relinquishing identity and birth story to the parent's narrative, whatever that may be. The entire paradigm is flipped has been flipped backwards. Adoption should be child centered.

Oh just stop. What is wrong with you?

Nothing is wrong with me or anyone else here responding. It's called "coming out of the fog." It's harder for non adoptees to understand, but there's tons of literature on it.

Living in Adoption’s Emotional Aftermath
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2023/04/10/living-in-adoptions-emotional-aftermath

NP, But thank you PP for posting this. Two of my step brothers were adopted and I’m in the recovery community, and so, so many people there are adoptees. They often were leaving one family of trauma into another one, except that one believed that the adoptee was going to fill that trauma. Many say they had happy childhoods, but felt that the relationship with their adoptive parents was fraught the day they arrived, even if that was at birth. (This is not everyone, but there seems to a common thread).

The parents in OPs situation need some counselling / therapy, but so does their child. They didn’t save him any more than he saved them from their own fears of infertility, and incomplete family, etc. it’s not on him to carry, and they need to see their actual role in his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adopted kids are all about the adopters, not the actual adoptees. The kids serve the parents' purpose. This has been going fof decades and decades. Nothing new. This child is one big virtue signal and, in this case, if he ever doesn't need anything overtly, he will be failing them.
Signed,
Baby Scoop Era Adoptee

This is not exclusive to adoptive parents. Some parents also make their biological children all about themselves. It is especially common with people who have narcissistic personality traits.

Sure! But not all parents are narcissists, including adoptive parents. But, in the world of adoption, society has supported the adoptive parents as saviors, and the child needing saving. The child serves the parents as a commodity, relinquishing identity and birth story to the parent's narrative, whatever that may be. The entire paradigm is flipped has been flipped backwards. Adoption should be child centered.

Oh just stop. What is wrong with you?

Nothing is wrong with me or anyone else here responding. It's called "coming out of the fog." It's harder for non adoptees to understand, but there's tons of literature on it.

Living in Adoption’s Emotional Aftermath
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2023/04/10/living-in-adoptions-emotional-aftermath

NP, But thank you PP for posting this. Two of my step brothers were adopted and I’m in the recovery community, and so, so many people there are adoptees. They often were leaving one family of trauma into another one, except that one believed that the adoptee was going to fill that trauma. Many say they had happy childhoods, but felt that the relationship with their adoptive parents was fraught the day they arrived, even if that was at birth. (This is not everyone, but there seems to a common thread).

The parents in OPs situation need some counselling / therapy, but so does their child. They didn’t save him any more than he saved them from their own fears of infertility, and incomplete family, etc. it’s not on him to carry, and they need to see their actual role in his life.

Agree. It's still a very complicated issue, with the conclusion being this: Even with all good intentions by all involved, the child needs the consideration in the process, not the adoptive parents. A child cannot be a commodity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised they are doing this, considering how much mandatory education stuff surrounding why you shouldn’t do this comes with the territory of fostering to adopt a child. Which means they have been told how they shouldn’t do this by actual experts and are still doing it. Meaning, they aren’t going to listen to you.

This. And no good will come of you saying anything. Unfollow them on social media. Right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sibling adopted a drug-exposed 2.5-year-old little boy from foster care last year after many years of infertility.

I realize a child with his background and neglect comes with challenges. However, my sibling and spouse document all of it on social media, mainly in how they saved the boy and how much better he has it. Every new toy, vacation, and family outing is about how he wouldn’t have this or that if we didn’t save him from his horrible biological family.

This is just a rant but it feels so wrong to me, especially as their son gets older and can read their posts or internalize their commentary. I want to say something. Would that be wrong? It feels almost narcissistic to constantly post and talk about this.

You can solve this problem with one click. If you don't, the rest of it is on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive parent here. I think OP is right in her concerns. I never posted anything difficult about our kids, though there have been difficult times, and I don't think parents (whether through biology or adoption) should be publicly oversharing. I do, however, get a little annoyed with the dramatic pendulum swing in the adoption world paradigms towards no gratitude towards adoptive parents. I do not expect my children to feel grateful that we adopted them. At all. I do, however, feel like any good parents (either biological or adoptive) deserve some gratitude from a child who gets raised in a loving, supportive home. I certainly feel that gratitude towards my own biological parents---who, while not perfect---were pretty darn great, supportive, and loving. When adoptees are told over and over to focus on their grief and loss regarding their biological family, without any concomitant recognition of also having good parents (albeit ones through adoption), it diminishes the adoptive parents. Anyone raised by a supportive loving family should be grateful for that family---far too many people never get that experience in any family situation.

ITA. My one kid is my child. They come first in everything. Bio or adopted there is no distinction. We begin and end every day just like any other family, including all the ups & downs.

This, I don’t call my child adopted. Nor do I refer to myself as such either. Most kids aren’t grateful. They joined our family per our choice. Just like if we had given birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive parent here. I think OP is right in her concerns. I never posted anything difficult about our kids, though there have been difficult times, and I don't think parents (whether through biology or adoption) should be publicly oversharing. I do, however, get a little annoyed with the dramatic pendulum swing in the adoption world paradigms towards no gratitude towards adoptive parents. I do not expect my children to feel grateful that we adopted them. At all. I do, however, feel like any good parents (either biological or adoptive) deserve some gratitude from a child who gets raised in a loving, supportive home. I certainly feel that gratitude towards my own biological parents---who, while not perfect---were pretty darn great, supportive, and loving. When adoptees are told over and over to focus on their grief and loss regarding their biological family, without any concomitant recognition of also having good parents (albeit ones through adoption), it diminishes the adoptive parents. Anyone raised by a supportive loving family should be grateful for that family---far too many people never get that experience in any family situation.

ITA. My one kid is my child. They come first in everything. Bio or adopted there is no distinction. We begin and end every day just like any other family, including all the ups & downs.

This, I don’t call my child adopted. Nor do I refer to myself as such either. Most kids aren’t grateful. They joined our family per our choice. Just like if we had given birth.

Ah,but you didn't give birth. They joined your family "per your choice."

Here's something you probably need to consider. Agree that you won't call your kid " adopted." Agree that you love them. But- acting like it there was not an adoption, as if you gave birth to them, is part of the problem. They have a genealogical, medical, ethnic, maybe racial entire history that is not yours. They have paperwork outlining their birth story, a birth date that may or may not be accurate, relatives including siblings that they don't know about and it is not your job to pretend none of that happened.