Sister Incorporating My Son into Her Wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. By way of context for (1) I lowkey think it is weird to have a child give you away but I want her to be happy. For my wedding I was going to have my mom walk me or walk myself which would probably be the latter. For (2) I think its sweet. For (3) it crosses a line to me in conjunction with the other two because it feels like its too much. For my wedding I didn't want to do the thing where I tap his shoulder and he turns around and is supposed to have a reaction, I just wanted to come out and have a photographer capture us hugging and final moment together where we are just a family of two. I just wanted to make sure I do something special with my son for my own wedding that isn't some big deal but isn't a repeat of what my sister is wanting to do with him.

My son is pretty much a go with the flow person. He already knows about the first 2 and is fine with it. He doesn't know about the 3rd but my sister just told me about it today.


Also is a first look a new thing?? I'm 28 and I thought people have been doing this for years but maybe I'm wrong about that.

So you think she’s pre-stealing your thunder or something? Cmon you know auntie will never replace mom to your son.

[Anonymous]

I’ve never heard of “first look” for anyone but the groom. Your son isn’t going to have the perfect Instagram expression that she wants.

Having them do a dance together is cute.

Has she thought of having your mom (or your mom and son) walk her down the aisle.

You can still do all this stuff with your son at your wedding. You are his mom which will make it extra special for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you engaged? Your post reads like a teenager envisioning a fake wedding. Don’t make this about you on your wedding day if there isn’t a fiance and wedding date.

The thing with your son is creepy…your mom should be filling all of those roles except the cufflinks, that’s the only sweet/sentimental thing the kid should be forced to do. He isn’t giving away his Aunt, nor will he care about the rest of it.

Yeah I could see that. I'm in a LT relationship. Our timeline is getting engaged after my sister's wedding so I'm not stealing her spotlight and honestly probably another year after because I need to financially recover from her wedding. I've also never been married before so maybe I just don't fully understand that it's not that big of a deal. I could see myself looking back and realizing I was upset over nothing

How much are you spending on the wedding?!

I'm contributing 20K and the groom's parents are doing the same and they have to come up with the rest

NP. I don't understand why you are putting $20k towards your twin sister's wedding. A wedding that apparently will cost over $40k.

[Anonymous]

OP just tell her you're not comfortable with "first look" because that's between groom a bride. You can offer to take a family photo in all of your wedding outfits before the ceremony, that's the same crap.

[Anonymous]

I think walking her down the aisle is great, the first look idea is weird as that's between bride and groom, and think the first dance should be done with the bride and her mom. That's how I've seen the dance done at other weddings when the bride's father is deceased and it has been very touching.

[Anonymous]

All I know is this pre teen kid is going to be filling the role of groom and father of the bride for both his mom and aunt (first look is totally a bride and groom thing, not a bride and dad or bride and uncle or bride and nephew thing. And to imagine it as bride and son thing is weirdly Oedipal. Like “oh look how beautiful my mother looks as she goes off to her wedding night!”). I feel bad for his future wife because he is gonna be very anti wedding.

[Anonymous]

This is all very weird to ask of a 12 year old. She should be doing these things with your mom or not at all and I say this as someone who has lost her dad before marriage and has nephews.

[Anonymous]

This whole situation sounds so messed up. Your son is not your father, or your fiance/husband, or hers.

Ewww. so weird!

[Anonymous]

You're putting too many emotional and financial resources into both weddings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP just tell her you're not comfortable with "first look" because that's between groom a bride. You can offer to take a family photo in all of your wedding outfits before the ceremony, that's the same crap.

But then OP can't do it with her kid without angering the sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you engaged? Your post reads like a teenager envisioning a fake wedding. Don’t make this about you on your wedding day if there isn’t a fiance and wedding date.

The thing with your son is creepy…your mom should be filling all of those roles except the cufflinks, that’s the only sweet/sentimental thing the kid should be forced to do. He isn’t giving away his Aunt, nor will he care about the rest of it.

Yeah I could see that. I'm in a LT relationship. Our timeline is getting engaged after my sister's wedding so I'm not stealing her spotlight and honestly probably another year after because I need to financially recover from her wedding. I've also never been married before so maybe I just don't fully understand that it's not that big of a deal. I could see myself looking back and realizing I was upset over nothing

How much are you spending on the wedding?!

I'm contributing 20K and the groom's parents are doing the same and they have to come up with the rest

Why? Do you owe her money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My son is 12 years old. First look is supposed to be a moment between the bride and someone or a few people (e.g., groom, dad, bridesmaids) where there is essentially a reveal of the bride to that individual. They get a first look at the bride before she walks down the aisle. I always thought of it being a special and private moment. She is wanting to do it with just my son.

What???? That's creepy and weird.
The groom gets the "first look" when you walk down the aisle, or if you meet up ahead of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP just tell her you're not comfortable with "first look" because that's between groom a bride. You can offer to take a family photo in all of your wedding outfits before the ceremony, that's the same crap.

But then OP can't do it with her kid without angering the sister.

NEITHER of them should do a "first look" with this tween/teen boy. It's a romantic moment between the bride and groom. (It's also dumb and staged but that's beside the point). This poor kid is being put into so many weird roles in this wedding already it sounds like (walking his aunt down the aisle??) dont make him take on the role of checking out how hot the bride, aka his aunt, looks in a private "sneak peek" before the ceremony and then having it filmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My son is 12 years old. First look is supposed to be a moment between the bride and someone or a few people (e.g., groom, dad, bridesmaids) where there is essentially a reveal of the bride to that individual. They get a first look at the bride before she walks down the aisle. I always thought of it being a special and private moment. She is wanting to do it with just my son.

What???? That's creepy and weird.
The groom gets the "first look" when you walk down the aisle, or if you meet up ahead of time.

This. It's for the groom to see his beautiful bride before marrying her. Usually just when she arrives to walk down the aisle, but for the past 10 years or so, it's become an instagram moment that people like having photographed before the ceremony. It definitely should NEVER involve a 12 year old boy. Note- an uncle should also not do this sort of romantic scene with his 12 year old niece and then have his first dance with his 12 year old niece. Years of therapy ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're putting too many emotional and financial resources into both weddings.

Tbh I think that is where a lot of my emotions are coming from. I feel like I was pressured to "step up" financially by mom since she says my sister doesn't have anyone else and she/they "helped so much with my son." Simultaneously, I'm supposed to just be ok with her wanting to incorporate him (really #3 just doesn't sit well) no questions asked. FYI my sister is a really sweet person which makes it harder to share how I'm feeling about it. But I don't know this just feels weird - it's not like he's the man of the house he and I have lived without them for years and he's literally 12.


At this point I'd rather have a micro wedding. Weddings are freaking expensive