Want a divorce but can’t handle DS alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a full time nanny but she only works 9-5:30, Monday-Friday while DH and I are working.

We have respite care for 11 hours per week but they only show up about half of the time.

I know it seems like it should be enough and we have more support than other people but I don’t know what to say. We just can’t handle him.

Why isn't he in school? That would cover a big chunk of the day during the school year and may help you stretch childcare hours later into the evening.

Op Here. He is in Kindergarten. It’s a long story but the short version is that the nanny goes to school with him as like a private aide. In a public school. It’s complex and for a whole other thread. But we don’t really get the benefit of school in the sense that even when he’s in school he still requires continuous support (either from us because the school calls us repeatedly or from the nanny).

There is no way that's appropriate. If he needs a 1:1 aide, then the school needs to provide it. Otherwise they need to provide an appropriate placement. They can't require you to provide someone to care for him all day at school. That's not right. Hire an advocate. You need to get that fixed.

This. You are paying for something that you have the right to have the school provide. It might require stopping the nanny at school and letting your kid fail for months before the school will help, but it will be worth it for the next 13 years until the kid is 18 (or possibly older depending on the SN involved).

[Anonymous]

Ok. I’m the poster who was in a similar situation. Could you afford a second space where you guys trade off sleeping? You will need this anyway if you divorce.

When I mentioned my miserable 18 months, this is where I got to. I looked at studios to figure out if I could afford to rent one to just go sleep there every other night. I told my husband that I didn’t want a divorce, I just needed somewhere to get sleep that wasn’t so broken up. I ended up not having to do that for a bunch of reasons and then finally at age 14 she started sleeping through the night (as long as we give her 5 meds). But she will require 24/7 care forever. You can justify the second space as a sleep mechanism but it also gives you some breathing room. My plan was to leave after bedtime and come home before my NT kid got up.

My kid has also been on abilify, seroquel, etc. we went to abilify after she literally screamed all waking hours for more than a year. The one thing we have going for us is that her ID is so profound, she cannot really figure out how to unlock things, etc. I paid a contractor to put in locks on all the cabinets and drawers with a remote control keypad that opens them. She isn’t capable of figuring out the code. Knives are locked up. We have the doorknob turned around on her room and we lock her in once she is asleep. We get up with her, but we just need to few minutes or her locked in to hear her waking up, go to the bathroom, and sort of “steel ourselves” for the being up for hours (which is now better but took years). We also put a TV in her room mounted up on the wall that we would turn on, lock her in and go back to sleep. You are in survival mode. Do whatever you can. Don’t let people give you crap about screen time if it makes life more bearable (but if turning it off leads to violence that may not be an option for you).

We bought a chair with a belt to keep her in when I have the oven on. She is a major good seeker and will open the oven when it is 500 degrees to pull out food. She is cognitively 9 months old so she cannot figure out how to
Unbuckle it.

I realize these ideas may not work for you, because your kid is cognitively higher functioning, I think. But I am just trying to throw out all ideas in case something might work.

Overall, I just want to say I’m sorry. This isn’t the picture of parenting that any of us had. It is also batshit crazy that your kid isn’t getting a 1:1 aide from the school, but I’m not sure if you have money to fight that battle. I would advocate for a more restrictive environment potentially. My daughter is in a room with 9 kids and 4 adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a full time nanny but she only works 9-5:30, Monday-Friday while DH and I are working.

We have respite care for 11 hours per week but they only show up about half of the time.

I know it seems like it should be enough and we have more support than other people but I don’t know what to say. We just can’t handle him.

Why isn't he in school? That would cover a big chunk of the day during the school year and may help you stretch childcare hours later into the evening.

Op Here. He is in Kindergarten. It’s a long story but the short version is that the nanny goes to school with him as like a private aide. In a public school. It’s complex and for a whole other thread. But we don’t really get the benefit of school in the sense that even when he’s in school he still requires continuous support (either from us because the school calls us repeatedly or from the nanny).

There is no way that's appropriate. If he needs a 1:1 aide, then the school needs to provide it. Otherwise they need to provide an appropriate placement. They can't require you to provide someone to care for him all day at school. That's not right. Hire an advocate. You need to get that fixed.

This. You are paying for something that you have the right to have the school provide. It might require stopping the nanny at school and letting your kid fail for months before the school will help, but it will be worth it for the next 13 years until the kid is 18 (or possibly older depending on the SN involved).

You can give the nanny and the school 30 days notice that you can no longer afford to provide a private aide during school hours. That gives the school time to come up with a 1:1 or a different placement. It also gives your nanny time to anticipate a different schedule as you move her hours to cover more evenings and potentially weekends.

[Anonymous]

"(eloping, violence, screaming, putting things in his mouth are not safe, self harm, etc.)"

Any one of those behaviors should be an immediate red flag to accelerate the process to get him into a program that will be better for him. Those behaviors are cries for help that he's in the wrong place. I hope the school is working on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a full time nanny but she only works 9-5:30, Monday-Friday while DH and I are working.

We have respite care for 11 hours per week but they only show up about half of the time.

I know it seems like it should be enough and we have more support than other people but I don’t know what to say. We just can’t handle him.

First I am sorry. Second, since you are here asking for advice I’m going to be 100% on a space of my experience: you need to table divorce, separation etc for now. Sorry, but the only thing you and your husband should focus on is your kids. The NT child should probably be having some therapy if the SN child is taking up all of your available resources.

And you need to be looking at all of the treatment options and harnessing all of the resources and spending all of the dollars frankly. Get a psychiatrist if you don’t have one.

When our son was seven he had violent outbursts at school (I’m not comparing but it was bad) and we did DBT, CBT, OT, social skills, and group therapy. He was diagnosed with adhd and anxiety. We got him medicated. I went down to part-time and he eventually went to private school. It was significantly better within six months and he was a different kid within a year. He’s 14 now and thriving.

I think that your situation - with a kid who is okay now - is probably very different than a long term game which it sounds like OP is playing. A child who will always be disabled and need intensive care requires a wildly different calculus than temporarily throwing all resources possible at a situation. What if that’s to no end at all?

Poster of this—we absolutely thought we were in a long-term situation at 6/7. We’re talking hitting/kicking teachers, locking himself in rooms and destroying furniture, suspensions etc. For us it was that intensive work and Meds, meds, meds.

OP situation definitely could be a life long issues or not. But IMHO you have to try

[Anonymous]

What does his IEP require as far as accommodations? I’d get this figured out and get him school provide 1:1 or move to a SPED classroom or whatever.

Then move the nanny to 2-10 pm. You and hubby separate and nest while spouse not at home stays with family/friends or whatever at least temporarily. Take sibling out of the house occasionally with parent not at home to get 1:1 time and break from SN son.

Two adults always with child at least until bedtime and doesn’t cost you any more. Buys you time until you can figure a two household and actual divorce situation.

Good luck OP. This is an incredibly difficult situation with no easy solutions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a full time nanny but she only works 9-5:30, Monday-Friday while DH and I are working.

We have respite care for 11 hours per week but they only show up about half of the time.

I know it seems like it should be enough and we have more support than other people but I don’t know what to say. We just can’t handle him.

First I am sorry. Second, since you are here asking for advice I’m going to be 100% on a space of my experience: you need to table divorce, separation etc for now. Sorry, but the only thing you and your husband should focus on is your kids. The NT child should probably be having some therapy if the SN child is taking up all of your available resources.

And you need to be looking at all of the treatment options and harnessing all of the resources and spending all of the dollars frankly. Get a psychiatrist if you don’t have one.

When our son was seven he had violent outbursts at school (I’m not comparing but it was bad) and we did DBT, CBT, OT, social skills, and group therapy. He was diagnosed with adhd and anxiety. We got him medicated. I went down to part-time and he eventually went to private school. It was significantly better within six months and he was a different kid within a year. He’s 14 now and thriving.

I think that your situation - with a kid who is okay now - is probably very different than a long term game which it sounds like OP is playing. A child who will always be disabled and need intensive care requires a wildly different calculus than temporarily throwing all resources possible at a situation. What if that’s to no end at all?

Poster of this—we absolutely thought we were in a long-term situation at 6/7. We’re talking hitting/kicking teachers, locking himself in rooms and destroying furniture, suspensions etc. For us it was that intensive work and Meds, meds, meds.

OP situation definitely could be a life long issues or not. But IMHO you have to try

Yes but trying means something different if there are medical issues or an intellectual disability.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to talk to the social worker at your child’s school. Ask what community resources are available. Maybe you qualify for some kind of Medicaid, based on the severity of his disability? You also need an emergency appointment with your pediatrician, preferably while your dc is at school. Get the doctor to recommend some specialists.

If you can’t afford a special needs nanny, get the typical child in some kind of childcare situation and max his hours away from sibling. Ask his friends’ parents to watch him for a half day in Saturday. Are you a church member? Take the typically developing child to church and drop him off at childcare all morning. Sit in the church lobby and chill on your phone or catch up on executive function tasks.

I’d wait on divorce until you get your child settled. Once you have helpers come, you can take a breath and reassess your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a full time nanny but she only works 9-5:30, Monday-Friday while DH and I are working.

We have respite care for 11 hours per week but they only show up about half of the time.

I know it seems like it should be enough and we have more support than other people but I don’t know what to say. We just can’t handle him.

Why isn't he in school? That would cover a big chunk of the day during the school year and may help you stretch childcare hours later into the evening.

Op Here. He is in Kindergarten. It’s a long story but the short version is that the nanny goes to school with him as like a private aide. In a public school. It’s complex and for a whole other thread. But we don’t really get the benefit of school in the sense that even when he’s in school he still requires continuous support (either from us because the school calls us repeatedly or from the nanny).

OP in situations like you describe, schools will often try to move the child to a different program with a higher level of support. The process can take months, or up to a year. Is this currently under way?

agree. The fact that the school is allowing the nanny to shadow all day indicates it’s a really crappy school. OP needs to get a better placement and better meds. Divorce too if she wants but that’s not going to solve all the problems.

How is it bad for him to have the nanny’s support?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a full time nanny but she only works 9-5:30, Monday-Friday while DH and I are working.

We have respite care for 11 hours per week but they only show up about half of the time.

I know it seems like it should be enough and we have more support than other people but I don’t know what to say. We just can’t handle him.

Why isn't he in school? That would cover a big chunk of the day during the school year and may help you stretch childcare hours later into the evening.

Op Here. He is in Kindergarten. It’s a long story but the short version is that the nanny goes to school with him as like a private aide. In a public school. It’s complex and for a whole other thread. But we don’t really get the benefit of school in the sense that even when he’s in school he still requires continuous support (either from us because the school calls us repeatedly or from the nanny).

OP in situations like you describe, schools will often try to move the child to a different program with a higher level of support. The process can take months, or up to a year. Is this currently under way?

agree. The fact that the school is allowing the nanny to shadow all day indicates it’s a really crappy school. OP needs to get a better placement and better meds. Divorce too if she wants but that’s not going to solve all the problems.

How is it bad for him to have the nanny’s support?

It’s not bad to have the nanny’s support, but it’s the school admission that they cannot meet this child’s needs and I bet he’s not the first one they’ve let done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a full time nanny but she only works 9-5:30, Monday-Friday while DH and I are working.

We have respite care for 11 hours per week but they only show up about half of the time.

I know it seems like it should be enough and we have more support than other people but I don’t know what to say. We just can’t handle him.

Why isn't he in school? That would cover a big chunk of the day during the school year and may help you stretch childcare hours later into the evening.

Op Here. He is in Kindergarten. It’s a long story but the short version is that the nanny goes to school with him as like a private aide. In a public school. It’s complex and for a whole other thread. But we don’t really get the benefit of school in the sense that even when he’s in school he still requires continuous support (either from us because the school calls us repeatedly or from the nanny).

OP in situations like you describe, schools will often try to move the child to a different program with a higher level of support. The process can take months, or up to a year. Is this currently under way?

agree. The fact that the school is allowing the nanny to shadow all day indicates it’s a really crappy school. OP needs to get a better placement and better meds. Divorce too if she wants but that’s not going to solve all the problems.

How is it bad for him to have the nanny’s support?

It’s not bad to have the nanny’s support, but it’s the school admission that they cannot meet this child’s needs and I bet he’s not the first one they’ve let done.

*down*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce but stay in the house. Date others outside of the house.

+1
I know a few couples who have done this and they are much happier for it. The divorce itself is not hard if you agree to live in the same place together and deal with the house at a future time.

You should also consider an au pair or other help on a regular basis if you can afford it.

OMG no! Do not bring a young woman from abroad hoping to fund a year abroad by babysitting to deal with a SN child who is violent and out control. That's insanity and abusive.

I know things are hard, but you don’t have to become a monster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTDT and am now on the other side with a 14 yr old. exDH and I separated when DS was 5 due to his behaviors.

I've learned that my "normal" is 2 deviations from the mean of the curve. When I got to the point of screaming for help, I was now more like 4 deviations from the mean. You are not alone and you are not the first. Here's what worked for us.

1. It's time for a serious evaluation. Shepherd Pratt is amazing and takes kids as young as 5. Between 6-8, my kid did 3 stays there. They're not going to magically fix the issue, but they will be able to do 24x7 observation and adjust medications. That's going to be a significant part of the battle at the moment.

2. PCIT--you and DH, even if he becomes exDH need to be on the same page. Responses from both of you need to be consistent. My ex and I had and still have a great relationship, we would go to therapy and then out to dinner to talk about what we learned, how we would implement it, and just have some adult time. You need a great sitter for this and it sounds like you have that.

3. Strong IEP--Sheppard Pratt can help you get started on this as well. Think of it like this...when you have a bad day at work, you carry your bad attitude home. Over the years, you've learned to manage your emotions and separate them. Your 6 yr old cannot. He needs to be in a supportive school environment. A place like the Lourie School is fantastic.

4. Make friends with the other parents at your new school. You're all in this together. You have the same challenges and can be each others support. It's great to be able to text a friend and say I can't believe he did this and know that you're not being judged.

5. Find a great community therapist and psychiatrist. Your run of the mill person isn't going to be able to handle your kid. You want someone that has done a residency/training in either a child psych hospital or the juvenile system. They've seen it all and aren't scared by your kids behaviors.

6. Find a time that you can talk with your kid. When my kid was little, he used to ask to go on car rides at night. He would sit in the back and the dark gave him cover to share his feelings. He also used to crawl into my bed and we would have what amounted to pillow talk. But it was the safety and darkness that allowed him to open up.

7. Make a safety plan. You need to do this with your child and his therapist. In my case, I had a deadbolt installed on my bedroom door and I put a mini fridge and snacks in my room. DD and I could escape there if necessary.

8. If you need to place sharp objects out of reach, do so.

9. Figure out a summer plan as soon as you can.

10. I believe you mentioned another child. If you didn't, ignore this point. But just in case, don't forget you have other children. My daughter ultimately went to boarding school in order to give her a normal teenage experience.

I know I didn't give you specific advice around divorce. You're going to have the same issues whether you divorce or not. For me, ex DH finally stepped up and started helping once we separated and there was no one else available.

You do have the capacity to do this. I know if feels like you can't, but you can. There are support groups out there like DMDD (search on FB) that have people experiencing the same issues as you every day.

Divorce did make things easier because we no longer had to try and pretend to focus on our relationship. At the end of the day, when I was beaten down and had no more left to give and all I wanted was a bath and bed, no one was asking me for sex.

Good luck. There were times I felt nothing but despair. But my kids and I made it through. My marriage however did not.

Great advice. My DS, now 18, was similar at that age. Getting help is key for your mental health. It was for us. He was in a SN school (and still is). I asked paras or therapists who didn’t work summers to help. I felt they were
more in touch in how to work with him. We now have had the same para for 9 years. She is like family. He has even spent the night at her house (we just started doing this).

Have you looked into Jill’s House? My DS started at age 8 and loved it.

He is on the go constantly - I mean, he never stops. He does this school too. We got a lock for his room (not as punishment but safety). He sleeps much better now (a weighted blanket also helped) but for years he used to get up and try to get out of the house at night.

Get a good psychiatrist too. After shopping around, we finally have been with one for years who truly understands his rare condition and the behaviors that go with it. But we’re always tweaking.

My marriage is solid but as someone else mentioned, I considered divorce just to get a break! It’s so incredibly draining.

Lastly, I have a younger son. He’s in HS now, but I have always tried my best to be mindful of his needs. It’s been hard on him. A night away with me or my husband, here and there, over the years have really helped.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your child medicated?

[Anonymous]

We threw all our rearouces at a child with autism and becqme
Unbelievably burned out, ruined my career, etc and now thst child is 18, dropped out, with serious mental illness.

Telling op to wait until her kid is "fixed" is foolish. Kids with this serious of problems are rarely "fixed".