Want a divorce but can’t handle DS alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a full time nanny but she only works 9-5:30, Monday-Friday while DH and I are working.

We have respite care for 11 hours per week but they only show up about half of the time.

I know it seems like it should be enough and we have more support than other people but I don’t know what to say. We just can’t handle him.

First I am sorry. Second, since you are here asking for advice I’m going to be 100% on a space of my experience: you need to table divorce, separation etc for now. Sorry, but the only thing you and your husband should focus on is your kids. The NT child should probably be having some therapy if the SN child is taking up all of your available resources.

And you need to be looking at all of the treatment options and harnessing all of the resources and spending all of the dollars frankly. Get a psychiatrist if you don’t have one.

When our son was seven he had violent outbursts at school (I’m not comparing but it was bad) and we did DBT, CBT, OT, social skills, and group therapy. He was diagnosed with adhd and anxiety. We got him medicated. I went down to part-time and he eventually went to private school. It was significantly better within six months and he was a different kid within a year. He’s 14 now and thriving.

And once child is stable then figure out separation or divorce and related logistics

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a full time nanny but she only works 9-5:30, Monday-Friday while DH and I are working.

We have respite care for 11 hours per week but they only show up about half of the time.

I know it seems like it should be enough and we have more support than other people but I don’t know what to say. We just can’t handle him.

Why isn't he in school? That would cover a big chunk of the day during the school year and may help you stretch childcare hours later into the evening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a full time nanny but she only works 9-5:30, Monday-Friday while DH and I are working.

We have respite care for 11 hours per week but they only show up about half of the time.

I know it seems like it should be enough and we have more support than other people but I don’t know what to say. We just can’t handle him.

Why isn't he in school? That would cover a big chunk of the day during the school year and may help you stretch childcare hours later into the evening.

Op Here. He is in Kindergarten. It’s a long story but the short version is that the nanny goes to school with him as like a private aide. In a public school. It’s complex and for a whole other thread. But we don’t really get the benefit of school in the sense that even when he’s in school he still requires continuous support (either from us because the school calls us repeatedly or from the nanny).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce but stay in the house. Date others outside of the house.

This. See if his dad will live in the basement and help out when needed. Men seem to like their freedom anyway. You won't find another guy who wants to live in that situation. Sorry.

Op here. I’m not looking to date. I just want space from my DH. We are constantly in a low simmering battle of resentment and misery. I just need distance from him. It’s not working for us to be sharing a home together. I’m tired of dragging him through life. I just want separate residences and to be insulated from the dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the two of you able to discuss things in a reasonable and rationale way? If you are, you need to start with a plan for the kid.

Have you tried all medication options? Have you explored every state service an available to you? Do you have enough money to outsource having a third person in your home for certain hours each week? Do you have friends, family or church community that might help you! Do any churches have respite care for special needs? We are able to drop my daughter off at a Buddy Break (look for one in your area) once a month for three hours for free. If you could tolerate church, find one with a special needs program and take your kid to Sunday school and church. That can be a two hour break and you can let the peace and music of the service wash over you even if you are not particularly religious.

Our daughter with profound intellectual disability was similarly challenging for many years. We basically hired a nanny/sitter to be in our home for large chunks of each week. It was just so untenable. We have had all kinds of different help in our home over the years — everything from super professional nannies to young teens. All of them have been helpful in different ways. Basically I hire a third set of hands and then figure out the best usage of their time. If the fourteen year old likes to cook, they can meal prep. If the older nanny is a whiz at running errands, they can do that. If I find someone that can really be hands on with my kid, they do that while my husband and I do the home stuff.

It was particularly difficult because she didn’t sleep through the night so you might have to start your day of vigilant caregiving at 12:30am or some other insane time. If this child doesn’t sleep, you should absolutely explore all medications for sleep. My child takes five medications to be able to sleep fairly consistently to 6am (she is a teenager).

Spend six months with intense focus on medications and outsourcing that can help. During that time, figure out if you have an EAP that covers marriage counseling and try to get your spouse on board with going. When you get there, tell them that your focus is on how you can partner better in dealing with this extraordinary situation and cope with the grief of what you thought family life would be versus reality. Don’t even get into sex, love, etc. Do that for six months even if it has to be virtual.

After that, start to see if things settle down and you can approach the hit button issues, like sex.

I’m very lucky to still be happily married but I had 18 months (in 15 years of this parenting journey) where I spent a lot of time considering if only seeing my kid 50% of the time would be easier or harder.

Op here. DH and I barely talk. He has completely shut down in recent years. He just can’t handle life. Or being married. I’m not sure and I’m tired of figuring it out. We’ve worked with 5 different therapists, 2 of them for over a year. It didn’t help. At all. I don’t want to go back to couples therapy. DH isn’t genuine, he’s at best a leaf in the wind and just says whatever seems to be the easiest thing to say in the moment and then it’s as if the conversation never happened.

Yes I’ve tried to get my DH to the doctor and medicated and in therapy. He doesn’t follow up. With tremendous pressure he may attend an initial appointment that I scheduled for him. He won’t consistently follow up, if he follows up at all.

Yes sleep is a problem. Yes we have a psychiatrist and a sleep pediatrician. We’ve done sleep studies. He takes multiple medications for sleep at night. They don’t always work and nothing has been a consistent solution. I’m working on getting a Cubby Bed which might help but it’s very hard to get them approved by insurance because they are so expensive.

I’ve tried so hard to build better support networks over the years but we are already paying for a full time nanny. I can’t afford a 2nd one. So then I’m trying to patch together care with a bunch of respite providers and inconsistent part time people. I find it to be a lot of work with unpredictable rewards.

How does he do with the nanny?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds so hard, OP. You’re clearly a good person and a good mom.

This. And you deserve some peace and happiness. Yes, divorce. Hire a new nanny that is just special needs oriented and put the older child in public and after care and tons of sports with car pools. Send him to YMCA camp. Make sure he is super busy as cheaply as you can. If the cost of housing is an issue be prepared to nest. Your child is young and you are going to be beyond burned out soon. Force your husband to step up by divorcing him. I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds miserable and unbearable and you need change. Have you tried a serious behavioral medicine?

You don't divorce someone to step up by divorcing them. The husband could end up walking away entirely. I think this is for OP to work out with her therapist and it's not our place to say do or don't get a divorce. I will say do keep working on meds options with your son. Once everyone sleeps better it's easier to see things clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a full time nanny but she only works 9-5:30, Monday-Friday while DH and I are working.

We have respite care for 11 hours per week but they only show up about half of the time.

I know it seems like it should be enough and we have more support than other people but I don’t know what to say. We just can’t handle him.

First I am sorry. Second, since you are here asking for advice I’m going to be 100% on a space of my experience: you need to table divorce, separation etc for now. Sorry, but the only thing you and your husband should focus on is your kids. The NT child should probably be having some therapy if the SN child is taking up all of your available resources.

And you need to be looking at all of the treatment options and harnessing all of the resources and spending all of the dollars frankly. Get a psychiatrist if you don’t have one.

When our son was seven he had violent outbursts at school (I’m not comparing but it was bad) and we did DBT, CBT, OT, social skills, and group therapy. He was diagnosed with adhd and anxiety. We got him medicated. I went down to part-time and he eventually went to private school. It was significantly better within six months and he was a different kid within a year. He’s 14 now and thriving.

I think that your situation - with a kid who is okay now - is probably very different than a long term game which it sounds like OP is playing. A child who will always be disabled and need intensive care requires a wildly different calculus than temporarily throwing all resources possible at a situation. What if that’s to no end at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a full time nanny but she only works 9-5:30, Monday-Friday while DH and I are working.

We have respite care for 11 hours per week but they only show up about half of the time.

I know it seems like it should be enough and we have more support than other people but I don’t know what to say. We just can’t handle him.

Why isn't he in school? That would cover a big chunk of the day during the school year and may help you stretch childcare hours later into the evening.

Op Here. He is in Kindergarten. It’s a long story but the short version is that the nanny goes to school with him as like a private aide. In a public school. It’s complex and for a whole other thread. But we don’t really get the benefit of school in the sense that even when he’s in school he still requires continuous support (either from us because the school calls us repeatedly or from the nanny).

OP in situations like you describe, schools will often try to move the child to a different program with a higher level of support. The process can take months, or up to a year. Is this currently under way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a full time nanny but she only works 9-5:30, Monday-Friday while DH and I are working.

We have respite care for 11 hours per week but they only show up about half of the time.

I know it seems like it should be enough and we have more support than other people but I don’t know what to say. We just can’t handle him.

First I am sorry. Second, since you are here asking for advice I’m going to be 100% on a space of my experience: you need to table divorce, separation etc for now. Sorry, but the only thing you and your husband should focus on is your kids. The NT child should probably be having some therapy if the SN child is taking up all of your available resources.

And you need to be looking at all of the treatment options and harnessing all of the resources and spending all of the dollars frankly. Get a psychiatrist if you don’t have one.

When our son was seven he had violent outbursts at school (I’m not comparing but it was bad) and we did DBT, CBT, OT, social skills, and group therapy. He was diagnosed with adhd and anxiety. We got him medicated. I went down to part-time and he eventually went to private school. It was significantly better within six months and he was a different kid within a year. He’s 14 now and thriving.

And once child is stable then figure out separation or divorce and related logistics

But there’s no guarantee that the child will stabilize. And in the meantime, the domestic situation may be harmful for everyone and adding to the stress, especially to the sibling. Establishing separate households, keeping the siblings apart, may help reduce the burden on everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a full time nanny but she only works 9-5:30, Monday-Friday while DH and I are working.

We have respite care for 11 hours per week but they only show up about half of the time.

I know it seems like it should be enough and we have more support than other people but I don’t know what to say. We just can’t handle him.

Why isn't he in school? That would cover a big chunk of the day during the school year and may help you stretch childcare hours later into the evening.

Op Here. He is in Kindergarten. It’s a long story but the short version is that the nanny goes to school with him as like a private aide. In a public school. It’s complex and for a whole other thread. But we don’t really get the benefit of school in the sense that even when he’s in school he still requires continuous support (either from us because the school calls us repeatedly or from the nanny).

he needs a private placement - then the nanny money can go to respite care or establishing two households. Have you hired a lawyer or advocate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a full time nanny but she only works 9-5:30, Monday-Friday while DH and I are working.

We have respite care for 11 hours per week but they only show up about half of the time.

I know it seems like it should be enough and we have more support than other people but I don’t know what to say. We just can’t handle him.

Why isn't he in school? That would cover a big chunk of the day during the school year and may help you stretch childcare hours later into the evening.

Op Here. He is in Kindergarten. It’s a long story but the short version is that the nanny goes to school with him as like a private aide. In a public school. It’s complex and for a whole other thread. But we don’t really get the benefit of school in the sense that even when he’s in school he still requires continuous support (either from us because the school calls us repeatedly or from the nanny).

OP in situations like you describe, schools will often try to move the child to a different program with a higher level of support. The process can take months, or up to a year. Is this currently under way?

agree. The fact that the school is allowing the nanny to shadow all day indicates it’s a really crappy school. OP needs to get a better placement and better meds. Divorce too if she wants but that’s not going to solve all the problems.

[Anonymous]

Can you get the special needs bed with the help of family or friends? Sleep would help. Also can he be confined in his room while you take care of tasks where you have to use non safe items? I know it’s not ideal but you do have to prepare foods and do life tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce but stay in the house. Date others outside of the house.

If it’s Virginia, won’t they need to show separation for a length of time?

Or maybe there are extenuating circumstances.

I literally know nothing, just my friends’ Virginia divorces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a full time nanny but she only works 9-5:30, Monday-Friday while DH and I are working.

We have respite care for 11 hours per week but they only show up about half of the time.

I know it seems like it should be enough and we have more support than other people but I don’t know what to say. We just can’t handle him.

Why isn't he in school? That would cover a big chunk of the day during the school year and may help you stretch childcare hours later into the evening.

Op Here. He is in Kindergarten. It’s a long story but the short version is that the nanny goes to school with him as like a private aide. In a public school. It’s complex and for a whole other thread. But we don’t really get the benefit of school in the sense that even when he’s in school he still requires continuous support (either from us because the school calls us repeatedly or from the nanny).

There is no way that's appropriate. If he needs a 1:1 aide, then the school needs to provide it. Otherwise they need to provide an appropriate placement. They can't require you to provide someone to care for him all day at school. That's not right. Hire an advocate. You need to get that fixed.

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry OP. I know a family that cashed out their savings to get more help in a similar situation. What you invest in now will pay off more in the future. You need to get your child into a more supportive environment where he does not need a 1:1. If he's having issues at school it's not the right place and look at other placements where he can feel good about himself and be successful.

I don't think you can deal with the divorce until you get something in place like a second nanny in the afternoons. I would pour my money into that now.