Want a divorce but can’t handle DS alone

[Anonymous]

We have two kids. One NT, one with SN.

Our son with SN is extremely difficult. He’s 6, huge, strong, fast, and coordinated. He engages in a lot of challenging behavior (eloping, violence, screaming, putting things in his mouth are not safe, self harm, etc.). He requires an adult with him at all times and that adult cannot be doing anything but watching him (e.g.-you can’t make dinner while watching him because he will grab the knives or try to open the oven and burn himself, etc.).

I am completely done with my marriage and I want out. The problem is, neither DH nor I can handle DS alone. He really requires nearly two adults at all times (one to watch him, one to do all the tasks of living, like making food).

Our life is also so intense and unmanageable that I don’t think we could administratively make a divorce happen. I don’t know how we’d execute a move or selling our house, etc.

I feel so stuck. We and my DH haven’t had sex in years. I’ve tried to just be a coparent with him, like coworkers or neighbors who live together and raise kids together. But I don’t know how to keep going like this. It’s god awful.

Am I just stuck with this situation forever? Anyone BTDT?

[Anonymous]

So sorry you are going through this 😢..can you hire a full time nurse? Can you check with your doctor about medications that can help your child to stay calmer? Good luck

[Anonymous]

It seems like you really need a plan for your child. Your situation is unsustainable. It’s hard to imagine that you could have any sort of normal relationship given the needs and commitment required to parent your child.

I’m sorry. Your life sounds unimaginably difficult.

[Anonymous]

Divorce but stay in the house. Date others outside of the house.

[Anonymous]

No words of advice but I'm so sorry you're living this way. It must be incredibly hard.

[Anonymous]

If your son is having this many difficulties at age 6, getting a more sustainable situation with his health condition has to happen. It doesn't sound like it's sustainable even for the 2 of you working together

[Anonymous]

You need to hire someone to help you get the problem behaviors under control before he actually gets huge, not 6 year old huge. Divorce should not be a priority until you do that.

[Anonymous]

It's unsustainable that your DS is so out of control. You need to figure that out first before he gets bigger and stronger.

[Anonymous]

I don't know his SN, but I've seen other special needs families build safe spaces near their kitchen using counter height cabinets so they can prep food safely while watching their child. Cabinet are generally tall enough to keep a kid mostly contained while supervised.

[Anonymous]

Yes. You need to hire help, even if you can only afford a little. And seriously consider modifications to your home.

[Anonymous]

Can you hire someone to watch him even for a few hours every day?

Won't solve your problem but will give you some breathing room.

[Anonymous]

If this is your situation at age 6, there is no way even two of you will be able to handle him at age 16. You don’t need a divorce as much as you need a behavioral plan for your son. Talk to his doctor, look for support groups for parents of kids with his disability. Reach out to your friends and family and see if there is anyone who can come by on any regular basis to help out. Deal with the behavior issue first. Then decide about the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Im sorry you are going through this, op! You are getting good advice here but I know it relies on money which of course is a big hurdle.

Could you make a plan with your spouse so that you each have a few hours of reliable, time alone (separately) each week ( like he gets Saturday til noon and you get sundays) to mull over possibilities about the future?

It seems like your current situation is so stressful and necessarily focused on the here and now it’s probably hard to have the mental space for big picture planning.

Good luck to you and your family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce but stay in the house. Date others outside of the house.

+1
I know a few couples who have done this and they are much happier for it. The divorce itself is not hard if you agree to live in the same place together and deal with the house at a future time.

You should also consider an au pair or other help on a regular basis if you can afford it.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry OP. What medication is your son on and what has been tried? Have you discussed med changes yet?

People suggest hiring help, but realistically OP will need to pay way more than going rate for someone with the proper training unless the behaviors become well managed. This is definitely NOT a hire an "au pair" situation. You cannot bring in a young woman from another country and expect her to keep this child safe until things are well managed.