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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]BTDT and am now on the other side with a 14 yr old.  exDH and I separated when DS was 5 due to his behaviors.

I've learned that my "normal" is 2 deviations from the mean of the curve.  When I got to the point of screaming for help, I was now more like 4 deviations from the mean.  You are not alone and you are not the first.  Here's what worked for us.

1. It's time for a serious evaluation.  Shepherd Pratt is amazing and takes kids as young as 5.  Between 6-8, my kid did 3 stays there.  They're not going to magically fix the issue, but they will be able to do 24x7 observation and adjust medications.  That's going to be a significant part of the battle at the moment.

2. PCIT--you and DH, even if he becomes exDH need to be on the same page.  Responses from both of you need to be consistent.  My ex and I had and still have a great relationship, we would go to therapy and then out to dinner to talk about what we learned, how we would implement it, and just have some adult time.  You need a great sitter for this and it sounds like you have that.

3. Strong IEP--Sheppard Pratt can help you get started on this as well.  Think of it like this...when you have a bad day at work, you carry your bad attitude home.  Over the years, you've learned to manage your emotions and separate them.  Your 6 yr old cannot.  He needs to be in a supportive school environment.  A place like the Lourie School is fantastic.

4. Make friends with the other parents at your new school.  You're all in this together.  You have the same challenges and can be each others support.  It's great to be able to text a friend and say I can't believe he did this and know that you're not being judged.

5. Find a great community therapist and psychiatrist.  Your run of the mill person isn't going to be able to handle your kid.  You want someone that has done a residency/training in either a child psych hospital or the juvenile system.  They've seen it all and aren't scared by your kids behaviors.

6. Find a time that you can talk with your kid.  When my kid was little, he used to ask to go on car rides at night.  He would sit in the back and the dark gave him cover to share his feelings.  He also used to crawl into my bed and we would have what amounted to pillow talk.  But it was the safety and darkness that allowed him to open up.

7.  Make a safety plan.  You need to do this with your child and his therapist.  In my case, I had a deadbolt installed on my bedroom door and I put a mini fridge and snacks in my room.  DD and I could escape there if necessary.

8.  If you need to place sharp objects out of reach, do so.

9. Figure out a summer plan as soon as you can.

10.  I believe you mentioned another child.  If you didn't, ignore this point.  But just in case, don't forget you have other children.  My daughter ultimately went to boarding school in order to give her a normal teenage experience.

I know I didn't give you specific advice around divorce.  You're going to have the same issues whether you divorce or not.  For me, ex DH finally stepped up and started helping once we separated and there was no one else available.

You do have the capacity to do this.  I know if feels like you can't, but you can.  There are support groups out there like DMDD (search on FB) that have people experiencing the same issues as you every day.

Divorce did make things easier because we no longer had to try and pretend to focus on our relationship.  At the end of the day, when I was beaten down and had no more left to give and all I wanted was a bath and bed, no one was asking me for sex.

Good luck.  There were times I felt nothing but despair.  But my kids and I made it through.  My marriage however did not.[/quote]

Great advice.  My DS, now 18, was similar at that age.  Getting help is key for your mental health.  It was for us.  He was in a SN school (and still is).  I asked paras or therapists who didn’t work summers to help.  I felt they were 
more in touch in how to work with him.  We now have had the same para for 9 years.  She is like family.  He has even spent the night at her house (we just started doing this).

Have you looked into Jill’s House?   My DS started at age 8 and loved it.

He is on the go constantly - I mean, he never stops.  He does this school too.  We got a lock for his room (not as punishment but safety).  He sleeps much better now (a weighted blanket also helped) but for years he used to get up and try to get out of the house at night.

Get a good psychiatrist too.  After shopping around, we finally have been with one for years who truly understands his rare condition and the behaviors that go with it.  But we’re always tweaking.

My marriage is solid but as someone else mentioned, I considered divorce just to get a break!  It’s so incredibly draining.

Lastly, I have a younger son.  He’s in HS now, but I have always tried my best to be mindful of his needs.  It’s been hard on him.  A night away with me or my husband, here and there, over the years have really helped.

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