Want a divorce but can’t handle DS alone

[Anonymous]

Ugh OP. I am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Separation in place. It's becoming more and more common. You sit down and agree with your husband that you will separate but continue to share the house. You can make rules about who does what, dating, money, days and or nights off. And you make it work until something major changes like your son's behavior improves, someone falls in love, someone gets a job farther away, you have more time for the administration of a divorce.

[Anonymous]

You need to try a big gun behavior medicine like risperodone. Get a physiatrist involved and try some sedating meds. You need to get your son under as much control as you can. He should likely be receiving intensive behavioral therapy but I know that’s so hard to get if no ASD.

Then yes, divorce. You would likely each be far happier only doing this half of the time. Where are you? Some states you can get in home respite care. My friend does in VA. You need to reach out to a lawyer and get all your options on the table.

[Anonymous]

If it's not abusive, try to stick it out with the help of individual therapy for yourself. Do you want to be intimate with DH and he doesn't want it? Or is that you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce but stay in the house. Date others outside of the house.

But then OP is SOL financially. Just open the marriage. Do your dirty outside the house.

[Anonymous]

Are the two of you able to discuss things in a reasonable and rationale way? If you are, you need to start with a plan for the kid.

Have you tried all medication options? Have you explored every state service an available to you? Do you have enough money to outsource having a third person in your home for certain hours each week? Do you have friends, family or church community that might help you! Do any churches have respite care for special needs? We are able to drop my daughter off at a Buddy Break (look for one in your area) once a month for three hours for free. If you could tolerate church, find one with a special needs program and take your kid to Sunday school and church. That can be a two hour break and you can let the peace and music of the service wash over you even if you are not particularly religious.

Our daughter with profound intellectual disability was similarly challenging for many years. We basically hired a nanny/sitter to be in our home for large chunks of each week. It was just so untenable. We have had all kinds of different help in our home over the years — everything from super professional nannies to young teens. All of them have been helpful in different ways. Basically I hire a third set of hands and then figure out the best usage of their time. If the fourteen year old likes to cook, they can meal prep. If the older nanny is a whiz at running errands, they can do that. If I find someone that can really be hands on with my kid, they do that while my husband and I do the home stuff.

It was particularly difficult because she didn’t sleep through the night so you might have to start your day of vigilant caregiving at 12:30am or some other insane time. If this child doesn’t sleep, you should absolutely explore all medications for sleep. My child takes five medications to be able to sleep fairly consistently to 6am (she is a teenager).

Spend six months with intense focus on medications and outsourcing that can help. During that time, figure out if you have an EAP that covers marriage counseling and try to get your spouse on board with going. When you get there, tell them that your focus is on how you can partner better in dealing with this extraordinary situation and cope with the grief of what you thought family life would be versus reality. Don’t even get into sex, love, etc. Do that for six months even if it has to be virtual.

After that, start to see if things settle down and you can approach the hit button issues, like sex.

I’m very lucky to still be happily married but I had 18 months (in 15 years of this parenting journey) where I spent a lot of time considering if only seeing my kid 50% of the time would be easier or harder.

[Anonymous]

My current partner went through this with his ex- wife years ago. Their marriage was greatly impacted due to managing their SN violent schizophrenic child. They ultimately ended up sending him to a mental hospital and they drove several hours away each weekend alone or together to visit their child. They child is now a grown adult and living semi independently in an adult group and being taken care of by the government.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Separation in place. It's becoming more and more common. You sit down and agree with your husband that you will separate but continue to share the house. You can make rules about who does what, dating, money, days and or nights off. And you make it work until something major changes like your son's behavior improves, someone falls in love, someone gets a job farther away, you have more time for the administration of a divorce.

I just can't imagine that working in real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry OP. What medication is your son on and what has been tried? Have you discussed med changes yet?

People suggest hiring help, but realistically OP will need to pay way more than going rate for someone with the proper training unless the behaviors become well managed. This is definitely NOT a hire an "au pair" situation. You cannot bring in a young woman from another country and expect her to keep this child safe until things are well managed.

No, but you can hire for other things so you can focus on the kid without losing your mind. For example, I have a 15 year old that comes over and cycles kid laundry, cycles the dishwasher, preps meds, preps kid lunches, organizes the Tupperware, does some meal prep, etc. She lives down the street and basically comes when she happens to have time. My life is made much easier even if she just comes over for 1-2 hours. She has a ton of energy while I’m exhausted. I used to pay $15 per hour last year and I bumped her up to $20 because she is awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's not abusive, try to stick it out with the help of individual therapy for yourself. Do you want to be intimate with DH and he doesn't want it? Or is that you?

Op here. I’m in therapy and also have a psychiatrist and take meds.

DH is not interested in intimacy with me. I’ve stopped trying after years of rejection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My current partner went through this with his ex- wife years ago. Their marriage was greatly impacted due to managing their SN violent schizophrenic child. They ultimately ended up sending him to a mental hospital and they drove several hours away each weekend alone or together to visit their child. They child is now a grown adult and living semi independently in an adult group and being taken care of by the government.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to try a big gun behavior medicine like risperodone. Get a physiatrist involved and try some sedating meds. You need to get your son under as much control as you can. He should likely be receiving intensive behavioral therapy but I know that’s so hard to get if no ASD.

Then yes, divorce. You would likely each be far happier only doing this half of the time. Where are you? Some states you can get in home respite care. My friend does in VA. You need to reach out to a lawyer and get all your options on the table.

+1 to psychiatric help for your son if you’re not already receiving it. That is step one here.

Is your son a cause of marital strain? If so, that is another important reason to get your son’s behavior under control as much as possible - I can imagine you’re living in a state of constant distress and of course it would affect your marriage. You also have your NT kid to consider. They have a severely challenged sibling and would also have divorced parents. I would get as much help as possible for your ND child and then try to salvage your marriage. I hope your situation improves soon.

[Anonymous]

Op here. We have a full time nanny but she only works 9-5:30, Monday-Friday while DH and I are working.

We have respite care for 11 hours per week but they only show up about half of the time.

I know it seems like it should be enough and we have more support than other people but I don’t know what to say. We just can’t handle him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are the two of you able to discuss things in a reasonable and rationale way? If you are, you need to start with a plan for the kid.

Have you tried all medication options? Have you explored every state service an available to you? Do you have enough money to outsource having a third person in your home for certain hours each week? Do you have friends, family or church community that might help you! Do any churches have respite care for special needs? We are able to drop my daughter off at a Buddy Break (look for one in your area) once a month for three hours for free. If you could tolerate church, find one with a special needs program and take your kid to Sunday school and church. That can be a two hour break and you can let the peace and music of the service wash over you even if you are not particularly religious.

Our daughter with profound intellectual disability was similarly challenging for many years. We basically hired a nanny/sitter to be in our home for large chunks of each week. It was just so untenable. We have had all kinds of different help in our home over the years — everything from super professional nannies to young teens. All of them have been helpful in different ways. Basically I hire a third set of hands and then figure out the best usage of their time. If the fourteen year old likes to cook, they can meal prep. If the older nanny is a whiz at running errands, they can do that. If I find someone that can really be hands on with my kid, they do that while my husband and I do the home stuff.

It was particularly difficult because she didn’t sleep through the night so you might have to start your day of vigilant caregiving at 12:30am or some other insane time. If this child doesn’t sleep, you should absolutely explore all medications for sleep. My child takes five medications to be able to sleep fairly consistently to 6am (she is a teenager).

Spend six months with intense focus on medications and outsourcing that can help. During that time, figure out if you have an EAP that covers marriage counseling and try to get your spouse on board with going. When you get there, tell them that your focus is on how you can partner better in dealing with this extraordinary situation and cope with the grief of what you thought family life would be versus reality. Don’t even get into sex, love, etc. Do that for six months even if it has to be virtual.

After that, start to see if things settle down and you can approach the hit button issues, like sex.

I’m very lucky to still be happily married but I had 18 months (in 15 years of this parenting journey) where I spent a lot of time considering if only seeing my kid 50% of the time would be easier or harder.

Op here. DH and I barely talk. He has completely shut down in recent years. He just can’t handle life. Or being married. I’m not sure and I’m tired of figuring it out. We’ve worked with 5 different therapists, 2 of them for over a year. It didn’t help. At all. I don’t want to go back to couples therapy. DH isn’t genuine, he’s at best a leaf in the wind and just says whatever seems to be the easiest thing to say in the moment and then it’s as if the conversation never happened.

Yes I’ve tried to get my DH to the doctor and medicated and in therapy. He doesn’t follow up. With tremendous pressure he may attend an initial appointment that I scheduled for him. He won’t consistently follow up, if he follows up at all.

Yes sleep is a problem. Yes we have a psychiatrist and a sleep pediatrician. We’ve done sleep studies. He takes multiple medications for sleep at night. They don’t always work and nothing has been a consistent solution. I’m working on getting a Cubby Bed which might help but it’s very hard to get them approved by insurance because they are so expensive.

I’ve tried so hard to build better support networks over the years but we are already paying for a full time nanny. I can’t afford a 2nd one. So then I’m trying to patch together care with a bunch of respite providers and inconsistent part time people. I find it to be a lot of work with unpredictable rewards.

[Anonymous]

This sounds so hard, OP. You’re clearly a good person and a good mom.