Pausing career to SAHM for a bit

[Anonymous]

I was out 7 years but worked in cybersecurity before having kids. Even with a graduate degree, certs, and experience in a field with a dearth of professionals; it took me two years of interviewing to finally land a contract position. After two years back to working, I made the salary I earned before I left. The working world has nothing but contempt and scorn for women who took off time to have kids. With all that said, I’m thrilled I went back to work! Couldn’t be happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I SAH for five years, then tried to go back. It wasn’t for our family, so I transitioned to part time work. I miss working more because I love my job, but my kid has multiple special needs. Even though he’s doing “better”, it’s only because I’m constantly doing lots of therapies. If I hadn’t put the time in, he wouldn’t be doing well at all. I hope to ramp up my hours in a couple years, but of course now the other child is struggling. Some days, it makes me feel like my face is melting off, but I imagine that if you’re not parenting special needs children, it would be easier and more fun. Even if I never go back fully, I don’t regret taking the time off. My DH has good character, and I put our relationship even before our kids. We’ve both had years of therapy and are from an emotionally healthy place.

I think you did absolutely the right thing for your children.

When my kids were little, we used to live in a condo and were friendly with other parents of children the same age in the building. There was a family with a high-powered couple (law partner and investment banker) who worked a lot and had a little boy with developmental delays whom they entrusted to the care of a nanny. We saw the nanny with this little guy a lot at classes for tots and the playground. I didn't think the nanny was "bad", but she wasn't really attentive to the kid.

One day, one of the grandmothers came from abroad to spend six months with the family and spent a lot of time interacting with her grandson in a way the nanny never did. We noticed him making a lot of progress during that period and generally looking happier. Then the grandma left and things went back to the not-so-great "usual" with the nanny.

I did have a respectful conversation with the mom a few months later to share my observations of what I saw in the kid when the grandma was around vs. the situation with the nanny before and after. They moved not too long after that and we lost touch so I don't know if they found a way to get him more stimulation and interaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really depends A LOT on what industry you are in.

+1
In my industry, you'd never make it back. If you're a teacher is would be really easy to come back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You won't regret it.

Your kids are the most amazing thing you will ever create.

Trust me, that once they are teens and young adults leaving home, you will look back not regret one moment you put them first.

I have never met a mom who looked at her adult children and wished that she had spent more time at her job and less time with her kids.

If you are able to tighten the family budget to spend a few precious years with them while they are young, either as a full time stay at home mom, or through a part time or flexible gig job, do it. It might be hard in the moment, but you won't regret it looking backwards.

My mother left the workforce to look after us in the early 80s. She regretted it and told us never to leave the workforce. She went back when I was in 5th grade, the youngest in 2nd. She said she always felt she had more to contribute there and was never given the opportunities because of the time off. So you can speak for yourself. I'm an example of an adult whose mom stayed home and doesn't think like you do. I actually agree with her perspective. Some women are bright and have more to offer the world than breeding. BTW, my father made tons of money and it was definitely not a financial thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won't regret it.

Your kids are the most amazing thing you will ever create.

Trust me, that once they are teens and young adults leaving home, you will look back not regret one moment you put them first.

I have never met a mom who looked at her adult children and wished that she had spent more time at her job and less time with her kids.

If you are able to tighten the family budget to spend a few precious years with them while they are young, either as a full time stay at home mom, or through a part time or flexible gig job, do it. It might be hard in the moment, but you won't regret it looking backwards.

My mother left the workforce to look after us in the early 80s. She regretted it and told us never to leave the workforce. She went back when I was in 5th grade, the youngest in 2nd. She said she always felt she had more to contribute there and was never given the opportunities because of the time off. So you can speak for yourself. I'm an example of an adult whose mom stayed home and doesn't think like you do. I actually agree with her perspective. Some women are bright and have more to offer the world than breeding. BTW, my father made tons of money and it was definitely not a financial thing.

I like how you so casually drop what is maybe the most hateful, misogynistic thing I have ever read on this board. I hope I don’t know you in real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won't regret it.

Your kids are the most amazing thing you will ever create.

Trust me, that once they are teens and young adults leaving home, you will look back not regret one moment you put them first.

I have never met a mom who looked at her adult children and wished that she had spent more time at her job and less time with her kids.

If you are able to tighten the family budget to spend a few precious years with them while they are young, either as a full time stay at home mom, or through a part time or flexible gig job, do it. It might be hard in the moment, but you won't regret it looking backwards.

This. I took over a decade off. You won't regret it.
We were careful with money at the beginning and then spouse's career took off. By the end, I went back less because of career/money and more because the kids were becoming independent and I wanted something stimulating to do.

This actually tells me you are only mediocre at your job and didn't have much to contribute to society other than to leach off your hesband.

[Anonymous]

The risk you personally assume by staying home is hard to have a sense of upfront. For example I never thought my spouse would lose his rock solid job but a bunch of unexpected things happened and he did. It was intensely stressful having to re-enter the workforce asap. I was lucky that I found a job but the job I took was worse in terms of hours than the one I had quit to SAH. I have more than one friend widowed unexpectedly in her forties. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won't regret it.

Your kids are the most amazing thing you will ever create.

Trust me, that once they are teens and young adults leaving home, you will look back not regret one moment you put them first.

I have never met a mom who looked at her adult children and wished that she had spent more time at her job and less time with her kids.

If you are able to tighten the family budget to spend a few precious years with them while they are young, either as a full time stay at home mom, or through a part time or flexible gig job, do it. It might be hard in the moment, but you won't regret it looking backwards.

My mother left the workforce to look after us in the early 80s. She regretted it and told us never to leave the workforce. She went back when I was in 5th grade, the youngest in 2nd. She said she always felt she had more to contribute there and was never given the opportunities because of the time off. So you can speak for yourself. I'm an example of an adult whose mom stayed home and doesn't think like you do. I actually agree with her perspective. Some women are bright and have more to offer the world than breeding. BTW, my father made tons of money and it was definitely not a financial thing.

I like how you so casually drop what is maybe the most hateful, misogynistic thing I have ever read on this board. I hope I don’t know you in real life.

+1

I can see why her mother regrets spending extra time with her.

[Anonymous]

How much do you want/need to work for pay and how much do you want/need to be raising your kids full time?

I took 20 years off and was able to get back into my profession after 9 months of job searching. It was a gamble and I was prepared not to return to my field.

Also, I have not experienced any contempt for the time I’ve taken off - if anyone ever expressed any thoughts about it to me, it was admiration and it felt genuine. If you respect their choices, there might be a greater chance they will respect yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won't regret it.

Your kids are the most amazing thing you will ever create.

Trust me, that once they are teens and young adults leaving home, you will look back not regret one moment you put them first.

I have never met a mom who looked at her adult children and wished that she had spent more time at her job and less time with her kids.

If you are able to tighten the family budget to spend a few precious years with them while they are young, either as a full time stay at home mom, or through a part time or flexible gig job, do it. It might be hard in the moment, but you won't regret it looking backwards.

My mother left the workforce to look after us in the early 80s. She regretted it and told us never to leave the workforce. She went back when I was in 5th grade, the youngest in 2nd. She said she always felt she had more to contribute there and was never given the opportunities because of the time off. So you can speak for yourself. I'm an example of an adult whose mom stayed home and doesn't think like you do. I actually agree with her perspective. Some women are bright and have more to offer the world than breeding. BTW, my father made tons of money and it was definitely not a financial thing.

Your parents must be so proud of you.

[Anonymous]

I took 2003 through 2017 off when I stayed home with our four kids. Absolutely the best decision my husband and I have made, hands down! I went back to work when my youngest was in first grade and oldest in eighth grade.

I hopped back into my career field (HR) and by 2019 moved back into an HR Director role. I have found that the executives that I work with, many with SAH spouses, value my experience managing our home life. They know first hand how important having a solid manager at home is. Post Covid, my career has taken off and since I am not in a federal government related industry, I can financially carry our family in case my husband has to make a career shift.

We have remained flexible and committed to our family and shaped our careers always thinking about family first. I never thought of staying home as a sacrifice, in fact it is a huge privilege. I am grateful and so lucky we chose this route.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it really depends on your personality, as much as anything else.

I wish I could work 20-30 hours per week. That would allow me to parent in the way I want to, and still have outside things.

I like the "mom" part of things (being a room parent, being there for all the parent events at both kids' schools, making homemade baked goods, homemade ridiculous halloween costumes, knowing the teachers and other parents, knowing all the other kids, being active in their preferred after school activities) but not so much the "maintenance of things" aspect of being a SAHM (household maintenance, car stuff, cleaning the house).

I also think I'd resent my husband after a while for "getting" to go outside the house and do cool science while I was feeling stuck at home dealing with boring household tasks.

I also am an MD, PhD and dual board certified and worked for a very long time to get where I'm at professionally, so I think there's some sunk cost thing going on too.

If we were sufficiently wealthy that me working didn't make a dent in our budget (we are so not even close to that) AND I could still outsource everything to a very competent household manager, I'd probably want to be a SAHM. Instead, I'm trying to work 30-ish hours a week, outsource the boring jobs that get turfed to SAHM and be as present as I can for my kids.

Also, I thought by age 5 my kids would need me less, but as my kids get older I'm realizing I'm not sure when they will need me less. 5 is a different kind of need, but my kindergartener loves me being present at school etc.

They don't need so much of your time for 'care' but they start taking more emotional energy as they get older. It peaks in middle school. Parents (working or staying home) need to be emotionally available most of they way through highschool.

What I see in my highschool kids is that some other parents drop out of parenting, especially boys..... some of them are very inappropriate on SM. Girls tend to be better at this because girl parents tend to give them advice, like not to bully or send nudes. I give the advice to my sons too, but I'm often surprised what other boys send my son (or daughters). Yep, my daughters have nude pictures of their classmates, completely unsolicited. I ask them to delete them. It really doesn't matter at this age if the parents work or not either. Some boys with SAHMs are still horrible on SM, some with WOHMs are great. It depends on how available you make yourself for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won't regret it.

Your kids are the most amazing thing you will ever create.

Trust me, that once they are teens and young adults leaving home, you will look back not regret one moment you put them first.

I have never met a mom who looked at her adult children and wished that she had spent more time at her job and less time with her kids.

If you are able to tighten the family budget to spend a few precious years with them while they are young, either as a full time stay at home mom, or through a part time or flexible gig job, do it. It might be hard in the moment, but you won't regret it looking backwards.

My mother left the workforce to look after us in the early 80s. She regretted it and told us never to leave the workforce. She went back when I was in 5th grade, the youngest in 2nd. She said she always felt she had more to contribute there and was never given the opportunities because of the time off. So you can speak for yourself. I'm an example of an adult whose mom stayed home and doesn't think like you do. I actually agree with her perspective. Some women are bright and have more to offer the world than breeding. BTW, my father made tons of money and it was definitely not a financial thing.

I like how you so casually drop what is maybe the most hateful, misogynistic thing I have ever read on this board. I hope I don’t know you in real life.

Yep, its pretty misogynistic and hateful. Yet so relevant and true to politics today... you probably don't know that you know so many women (and men) with this view. Society has taught them well what to say (and what not to say) out loud. Your husband might be one of these people. He'd never tell you because it wouldn't serve his interests. Maybe he's smarter than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I SAH for five years, then tried to go back. It wasn’t for our family, so I transitioned to part time work. I miss working more because I love my job, but my kid has multiple special needs. Even though he’s doing “better”, it’s only because I’m constantly doing lots of therapies. If I hadn’t put the time in, he wouldn’t be doing well at all. I hope to ramp up my hours in a couple years, but of course now the other child is struggling. Some days, it makes me feel like my face is melting off, but I imagine that if you’re not parenting special needs children, it would be easier and more fun. Even if I never go back fully, I don’t regret taking the time off. My DH has good character, and I put our relationship even before our kids. We’ve both had years of therapy and are from an emotionally healthy place.

I think you did absolutely the right thing for your children.

When my kids were little, we used to live in a condo and were friendly with other parents of children the same age in the building. There was a family with a high-powered couple (law partner and investment banker) who worked a lot and had a little boy with developmental delays whom they entrusted to the care of a nanny. We saw the nanny with this little guy a lot at classes for tots and the playground. I didn't think the nanny was "bad", but she wasn't really attentive to the kid.

One day, one of the grandmothers came from abroad to spend six months with the family and spent a lot of time interacting with her grandson in a way the nanny never did. We noticed him making a lot of progress during that period and generally looking happier. Then the grandma left and things went back to the not-so-great "usual" with the nanny.

I did have a respectful conversation with the mom a few months later to share my observations of what I saw in the kid when the grandma was around vs. the situation with the nanny before and after. They moved not too long after that and we lost touch so I don't know if they found a way to get him more stimulation and interaction.

I can hear your shame and judgment across the internet. Can't imagine why they wouldn't want you as a neighbor or to stay in touch...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won't regret it.

Your kids are the most amazing thing you will ever create.

Trust me, that once they are teens and young adults leaving home, you will look back not regret one moment you put them first.

I have never met a mom who looked at her adult children and wished that she had spent more time at her job and less time with her kids.

If you are able to tighten the family budget to spend a few precious years with them while they are young, either as a full time stay at home mom, or through a part time or flexible gig job, do it. It might be hard in the moment, but you won't regret it looking backwards.

My mother left the workforce to look after us in the early 80s. She regretted it and told us never to leave the workforce. She went back when I was in 5th grade, the youngest in 2nd. She said she always felt she had more to contribute there and was never given the opportunities because of the time off. So you can speak for yourself. I'm an example of an adult whose mom stayed home and doesn't think like you do. I actually agree with her perspective. Some women are bright and have more to offer the world than breeding. BTW, my father made tons of money and it was definitely not a financial thing.

I like how you so casually drop what is maybe the most hateful, misogynistic thing I have ever read on this board. I hope I don’t know you in real life.

+1

I can see why her mother regrets spending extra time with her.

Lol!! That's your take?! Do you share a brain cell with the other SAHMs? That's nuts and completely counter to your logic for staying home. So SAHMs produce misogynistic daughters who want to work? You're so dumb