Divorce when kids go to college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. I don't know why people seem to think it doesn't cause issues. I had a ton of guilt feeling like I was the cause my parents stayed miserable for so long. Then I was angry at them for making me live in that environment. It was just so unpleasant, the animosity was obvious. Then I was resentful of the stress it added on to my freshman year and the difficulty it added on to an already difficult transition in my life.

I didn't go home my entire first year, not even for Christmas.

It took quite awhile for my parents and I to repair our relationships.

That sounds rough, PP. I don’t think freshman year is a good time to divorce.

Honestly, there’s never a good time. Someone who took it this hard when they were a freshman in college would probably be even more devastated as a freshman in high school. Maybe navigating two households and the stress of the transition would have derailed her college chances completely.

There’s never a “good” time.

+1 when k-12 kids involved.

Depends on the mindset of each parent. Are they truly putting the kids needs and securities first? Or is one parent putting themselves first only?
And yes, a parent /Ex can be do both at the same time but that requires brutal honesty on the kid side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me how this works. You drop them at the dorm then drop the news that mom and dad are divorcing? Or is there a more in depth plan?

TROLL

This is the flakey OP post and then some sappy longer victim version is 3 or 4 pages later?

Please. See a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We told the kids in HS, dad moved to the guest room.

They watched dad go to therapy and become a better person over those years. That showed it had nothing to do with them, it was good learning experience to have empathy for someone who has PTSD.

When the youngest went to college it was actually 2020 and the building of my ex's new house was stalled due to supply chain so it wasn't ready until 2021.

We never had the kids go to the "other house" ... their dad came to our house to see them or we met at a restaurant. We still do all holidays together at the family home, we still visit them together and separate depending on why we are visiting.

They will occasionally go to his house but it's rare.

Their biggest concern was will we sell the family home and we decided we won't do that until they all graduate and then some.

Sounds good if both spouses are rational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am OP and nothing was flippant about my post. It is a genuine question for people that have been there in life. It is where I see my marriage, the end zone is them getting to college then we are both done, my marriage needs work and spouse has no interest in making it a better and I am at the point that I no longer want to either.

This has been 3-4 years coming and now that we are almost empty nesters I want a plan. And I want to think through the variables.

Yes your trashy op original point was shock & awe flippant.

Is that how you usually bring up serious issues?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We told the kids in HS, dad moved to the guest room.

They watched dad go to therapy and become a better person over those years. That showed it had nothing to do with them, it was good learning experience to have empathy for someone who has PTSD.

When the youngest went to college it was actually 2020 and the building of my ex's new house was stalled due to supply chain so it wasn't ready until 2021.

We never had the kids go to the "other house" ... their dad came to our house to see them or we met at a restaurant. We still do all holidays together at the family home, we still visit them together and separate depending on why we are visiting.

They will occasionally go to his house but it's rare.

Their biggest concern was will we sell the family home and we decided we won't do that until they all graduate and then some.

Are either you or your ex re-partnered? When I hear of divorced couples that still spend holidays together in the family home it always makes me wonder how that works. For context, I dated a man who did this after his divorce. (met him 10 years after the divorce so I was not the AP). It was, in retrospect, a huge red flag regarding his enmeshment with his ex-wife and lack of boundaries. Not saying that at all about you. Just curious about how the experience was for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young adulthood/college is known as one of the worst times to divorce when it comes to making the adult child feel completely unmoored and losing their entire family/childhood. You need to read more about this.

This! My friend was 20 and his brother just finished high school when the parents divorced. They were blindsided. My friend became addicted to drugs and dropped out of college. He is homeless 30 years later. His brother finished school, became self sufficient and cut off his family. Their parents sre old and alone.

If you get addicted to drugs when you are 20 and in college,

It. Is. Your. Fault.

Don’t blame mommy and daddy. In fact, the reason your life didn’t amount to anything is because you were nothing without your mommy and daddy propping you up. Should have worked on that instead of whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me how this works. You drop them at the dorm then drop the news that mom and dad are divorcing? Or is there a more in depth plan?

You only divorce once your kids are married. At that point though - why even bother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell me how this works. You drop them at the dorm then drop the news that mom and dad are divorcing? Or is there a more in depth plan?

You only divorce once your kids are married. At that point though - why even bother?

I know a woman who stayed married but lived parallel lives for decades, but mental illness was involved with the husband. And he would have dumped it all in his daughters when they were teens, in their 20s, and when they were married with babies of their own.

Mentally ill people who have a child or adult child don’t always go away. They can be very selfish and needy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell me how this works. You drop them at the dorm then drop the news that mom and dad are divorcing? Or is there a more in depth plan?

TROLL

This is the flakey OP post and then some sappy longer victim version is 3 or 4 pages later?

Please. See a therapist.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young adulthood/college is known as one of the worst times to divorce when it comes to making the adult child feel completely unmoored and losing their entire family/childhood. You need to read more about this.

This! My friend was 20 and his brother just finished high school when the parents divorced. They were blindsided. My friend became addicted to drugs and dropped out of college. He is homeless 30 years later. His brother finished school, became self sufficient and cut off his family. Their parents sre old and alone.

If you get addicted to drugs when you are 20 and in college,

It. Is. Your. Fault.

Don’t blame mommy and daddy. In fact, the reason your life didn’t amount to anything is because you were nothing without your mommy and daddy propping you up. Should have worked on that instead of whining.

Wow! This is messed up thinking. White people are the most psycho and selfish people I have met. No wonder they could colonize the world and make slaves of people. You have to lack basic humanity to do all of that and it beings from them at home from the time they are born.

Huh?
So what do Black people do when their adult kid is addicted to drugs?
Please tell us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell me how this works. You drop them at the dorm then drop the news that mom and dad are divorcing? Or is there a more in depth plan?

TROLL

This is the flakey OP post and then some sappy longer victim version is 3 or 4 pages later?

Please. See a therapist.

This person is def a fiction provocateur. No one would write in such a cruel fashion

[Anonymous]

Y’all need to set boundaries! And enforce them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me how this works. You drop them at the dorm then drop the news that mom and dad are divorcing? Or is there a more in depth plan?

Is this crass poorly worded post for real?

[Anonymous]

People are really projecting and it’s interesting that they’re such black-and-white thinking on this thread. If you immediately hear the scenario and absolutely think there could be no way of getting a soft landing or absurdly. My while childhood was a lie! you are black-and-white thinking and not thinking rationally.

Absolutely no dog in this fight, parent of teens and no plans to divorce, but I have seen friends do this with an absolute soft landing. I think it helps obviously if the divorce is amicable, and when the kids come home, the parents still are willing to do things together as a family, and someone is still in the childhood home.

I know of one couple where the Dad spends some time/overnights in the guest room back in the family home during the Christmas break. And they still do some family vacations together. it is absolutely a soft landing, but the parents have decided they want to go their separate ways and eventually as they move in in the coming years this might stop, but it seems like they’ve done a smooth transition over a period of years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell me how this works. You drop them at the dorm then drop the news that mom and dad are divorcing? Or is there a more in depth plan?

Is this crass poorly worded post for real?

you forgot a comma. 😂🤐