Divorce when kids go to college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me how this works. You drop them at the dorm then drop the news that mom and dad are divorcing? Or is there a more in depth plan?

Worst idea ever

Do not divorce when they leave for college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Young adulthood/college is known as one of the worst times to divorce when it comes to making the adult child feel completely unmoored and losing their entire family/childhood. You need to read more about this.

I have two friends whose parents divorced when they were in college and both really took it hard. I think part of it was that both of these sets of parents had low conflict marriages, so, the divorce was a big surprise making the adult kids feel like their "family/childhood was all a lie". If OP is in a low conflict marriage, I'd start gently confiding that the marriage isn't a happy one, so, the kids can at least be mentally prepared.

[Anonymous]

OMG don't confide in your children!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is a high school senior and last weekend she had a group of friends over and they were all talking about whose parents are going to get divorced when they head to college.

They were able to point to three sets of parents that they know where the parents are staying together for the kids and completely miserable marriages. One kid was talking about how her parents have lived separate lives for four years and she just wishes they would divorce already instead of waiting for the artificial “youngest kid heads to college” because it makes her feel like her parents are unhappy for her.

My DD16 has a close friend like this. The dad "lives" in the basement of the home and the parents try not to spend much time together. They openly discuss with their kids (and the kids discuss with their friends) how they will separate when the youngest child graduates HS. It's a strange dynamic that it is so open.

We know a family like this and the father is aspergers and they live parallel lives. He joins in the teen things when he feels he can handle it - watch a game, drive on the weekend, show up at a banquet. He only talks about work. At least he works!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Young adulthood/college is known as one of the worst times to divorce when it comes to making the adult child feel completely unmoored and losing their entire family/childhood. You need to read more about this.

This! My friend was 20 and his brother just finished high school when the parents divorced. They were blindsided. My friend became addicted to drugs and dropped out of college. He is homeless 30 years later. His brother finished school, became self sufficient and cut off his family. Their parents sre old and alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG don't confide in your children!!

It's not really confiding, it's choosing to make disclosures to prepare them for what's to come. Confide is the wrong word. More like "reveal".

[Anonymous]

My mom was right behind me when I left for college. I wasn't surprised since they fought so often, so I don't really think I was too affected by it. I'd probably lay the groundwork while they are still home so they are not blindsided later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me how this works. You drop them at the dorm then drop the news that mom and dad are divorcing? Or is there a more in depth plan?

We went together in one car. You can do it!

[Anonymous]

Don’t divorce if you have kids. If the marriage is high conflict, just separate but don’t divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me how this works. You drop them at the dorm then drop the news that mom and dad are divorcing? Or is there a more in depth plan?

Oh yeah this is FICTION Drop and drop - very clever!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell me how this works. You drop them at the dorm then drop the news that mom and dad are divorcing? Or is there a more in depth plan?

Worst idea ever

Do not divorce when they leave for college

My freshmen college roommate’s parents did this. Her brother was a junior in college. It messed both of them up. They were so distraught. There weren’t signs ahead of it- not that it would matter if there were. I remember she kept saying she felt like her entire childhood was a lie, questioned what was real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell me how this works. You drop them at the dorm then drop the news that mom and dad are divorcing? Or is there a more in depth plan?

Worst idea ever

Do not divorce when they leave for college

My freshmen college roommate’s parents did this. Her brother was a junior in college. It messed both of them up. They were so distraught. There weren’t signs ahead of it- not that it would matter if there were. I remember she kept saying she felt like her entire childhood was a lie, questioned what was real.

Not someone who is in this situation, but I’m genuinely puzzled by this. Presumably people fall in love, get married and have kids. There may be many years of happiness, raising children together. Things change over decades and preparing for an empty nest is a huge transition for most people. I can see how it would be terrible telling them the day you drop them off from college, like you were just holding back and waiting, but I kind of just don’t understand when people divorce after presumably long marriage when children are grown, why the whole childhood would be a lie.

They might have had many years of happiness! Just strange to presume that if someone divorces, it means the minute they find out they they’re pregnant they start hating each other and living a lie. It often doesn’t work like that.

I do think it would be a softer landing to give it some time after kids leave for college, and then say you know in this big transition that Dad and I made we realize we want a different life in our retirement years. Or something like that.

It’s hard, but at some point, we all go through the realization that our parents are actually people, have their own dreams and desires and hopes, and I think if it can be guilt inducing for some to realize that having kids means you often sacrifice a lot. Doesn’t mean that we should always feel guilty about what our parents did for us, but I do think it’s a tough transition and a part of growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We told the kids in HS, dad moved to the guest room.

They watched dad go to therapy and become a better person over those years. That showed it had nothing to do with them, it was good learning experience to have empathy for someone who has PTSD.

When the youngest went to college it was actually 2020 and the building of my ex's new house was stalled due to supply chain so it wasn't ready until 2021.

We never had the kids go to the "other house" ... their dad came to our house to see them or we met at a restaurant. We still do all holidays together at the family home, we still visit them together and separate depending on why we are visiting.

They will occasionally go to his house but it's rare.

Their biggest concern was will we sell the family home and we decided we won't do that until they all graduate and then some.

Very thoughtful way of doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me how this works. You drop them at the dorm then drop the news that mom and dad are divorcing? Or is there a more in depth plan?

Ugh. My parents did this and it sucked. Just dumped it on me at the beginning of sophmore year. It sucked. There is no way to get past that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell me how this works. You drop them at the dorm then drop the news that mom and dad are divorcing? Or is there a more in depth plan?

Worst idea ever

Do not divorce when they leave for college

My freshmen college roommate’s parents did this. Her brother was a junior in college. It messed both of them up. They were so distraught. There weren’t signs ahead of it- not that it would matter if there were. I remember she kept saying she felt like her entire childhood was a lie, questioned what was real.

Not someone who is in this situation, but I’m genuinely puzzled by this. Presumably people fall in love, get married and have kids. There may be many years of happiness, raising children together. Things change over decades and preparing for an empty nest is a huge transition for most people. I can see how it would be terrible telling them the day you drop them off from college, like you were just holding back and waiting, but I kind of just don’t understand when people divorce after presumably long marriage when children are grown, why the whole childhood would be a lie.

They might have had many years of happiness! Just strange to presume that if someone divorces, it means the minute they find out they they’re pregnant they start hating each other and living a lie. It often doesn’t work like that.

I do think it would be a softer landing to give it some time after kids leave for college, and then say you know in this big transition that Dad and I made we realize we want a different life in our retirement years. Or something like that.

It’s hard, but at some point, we all go through the realization that our parents are actually people, have their own dreams and desires and hopes, and I think if it can be guilt inducing for some to realize that having kids means you often sacrifice a lot. Doesn’t mean that we should always feel guilty about what our parents did for us, but I do think it’s a tough transition and a part of growing up.

Waiting until college is often thrown around on here but it is terrible. There is no soft landing. They have no one and no support at college. But, instead, warring parents and splitting time home from college. Even if they aren't "warring" it's still usually not great, thus the divorce.