Divorce when kids go to college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. I don't know why people seem to think it doesn't cause issues. I had a ton of guilt feeling like I was the cause my parents stayed miserable for so long. Then I was angry at them for making me live in that environment. It was just so unpleasant, the animosity was obvious. Then I was resentful of the stress it added on to my freshman year and the difficulty it added on to an already difficult transition in my life.

I didn't go home my entire first year, not even for Christmas.

It took quite awhile for my parents and I to repair our relationships.

That sounds rough, PP. I don’t think freshman year is a good time to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. I don't know why people seem to think it doesn't cause issues. I had a ton of guilt feeling like I was the cause my parents stayed miserable for so long. Then I was angry at them for making me live in that environment. It was just so unpleasant, the animosity was obvious. Then I was resentful of the stress it added on to my freshman year and the difficulty it added on to an already difficult transition in my life.

I didn't go home my entire first year, not even for Christmas.

It took quite awhile for my parents and I to repair our relationships.

Glad you finally matured enough to realize it isn’t all about you all the time. If it was that difficult for you as a young adult, your parents likely made the calculation that it would have been even more difficult for you at a younger age.

OP, shut up. No one decides to divorce after raising kids on a whim.

Of course I matured. But OP was so flippant in her post and I've seen other people post where they make it sound like waiting until their kid goes off to college avoids all problems, and it doesn't.

I know it doesn’t avoid all problems. I am trying to figure out how to do this in a way that does minimize the trauma of it in an unselfish a way as I can. I have been in a miserable marriage for many years and was basically gas lit to stay in it. My spouse would stay in the marriage because I make 90% of the money and manage all of the heavy lifting. She stopped participating in the marriage a long time ago and has made it clear with her actions she isn’t going to change. The relationship is completely one sided, I make the money, pay the bills, cook for myself, do my own laundry, we have no intimacy, I grocery shop for the house, do quite a bit of the kid organization and management stuff.

I'm sorry but you will not get sympathy here. The women are locked in in solidarity and they won't believe you. They will say *there is more to the story....". The wives here are so perfect

Np it isn't a question of being 'perfect' but usually there are two sides to every story. Or do you always assume one party is always telling the 100 percent truth? This is why in court cases both sides get to present their version.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me how this works. You drop them at the dorm then drop the news that mom and dad are divorcing? Or is there a more in depth plan?

If you are my college roommates parents then that’s what you do. Never mind that your son will be a complete mess through freshman and sophomore years.

[Anonymous]

No real way to minimize divorce .. Do what you have to do.

More than likely your kids already see it coming or know their parents marriage is over.

[Anonymous]

There is no perfect timing. We divorced when my oldest graduated middle school. He was 13 and my daughter was in middle school she was 11. They were sad of course but since we were equally involved with them they didn't feel the change too much. Yes they ended up in apartments but they had everything they needed otherwise. The oldest graduated last year and the youngest is graduating in 2 years. The key is both parents must be involved and avoid criticizing and/or sabotaging each other. If possible do all exchanges at school and minimize interactions.

[Anonymous]

My parents did this. No it wasn’t a shock, I don’t ever remember my parents getting along and there was constant tension in the home. In fact my dad told me many times growing up that once I was out of the house he was leaving too. And that’s what he did.

What made it difficult was that I didn’t know how to split time between 2 households. I was only coming home a week here and there for breaks, and had to figure out how to see my parents, old friends and my old job. And there was no way my parents could visit me together fresh off of their breakup. So my relationship with my dad definitely suffered for a long time. Perhaps if they had broken up sooner, we all would have had more of a groove in navigating our relationship, but who knows? Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. I don't know why people seem to think it doesn't cause issues. I had a ton of guilt feeling like I was the cause my parents stayed miserable for so long. Then I was angry at them for making me live in that environment. It was just so unpleasant, the animosity was obvious. Then I was resentful of the stress it added on to my freshman year and the difficulty it added on to an already difficult transition in my life.

I didn't go home my entire first year, not even for Christmas.

It took quite awhile for my parents and I to repair our relationships.

Surely you could tell from their F’d up relationship at home during your high school years they were incompatible or there were real issues.

Or they flat all told you this has nothing to do with you your father/mother XYZ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We told the kids in HS, dad moved to the guest room.

They watched dad go to therapy and become a better person over those years. That showed it had nothing to do with them, it was good learning experience to have empathy for someone who has PTSD.

When the youngest went to college it was actually 2020 and the building of my ex's new house was stalled due to supply chain so it wasn't ready until 2021.

We never had the kids go to the "other house" ... their dad came to our house to see them or we met at a restaurant. We still do all holidays together at the family home, we still visit them together and separate depending on why we are visiting.

They will occasionally go to his house but it's rare.

Their biggest concern was will we sell the family home and we decided we won't do that until they all graduate and then some.

This is selish.

[Anonymous]

My parents went nuts when they divorced and I lost my parents to it. No good time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. I don't know why people seem to think it doesn't cause issues. I had a ton of guilt feeling like I was the cause my parents stayed miserable for so long. Then I was angry at them for making me live in that environment. It was just so unpleasant, the animosity was obvious. Then I was resentful of the stress it added on to my freshman year and the difficulty it added on to an already difficult transition in my life.

I didn't go home my entire first year, not even for Christmas.

It took quite awhile for my parents and I to repair our relationships.

Glad you finally matured enough to realize it isn’t all about you all the time. If it was that difficult for you as a young adult, your parents likely made the calculation that it would have been even more difficult for you at a younger age.

OP, shut up. No one decides to divorce after raising kids on a whim.

Of course I matured. But OP was so flippant in her post and I've seen other people post where they make it sound like waiting until their kid goes off to college avoids all problems, and it doesn't.

I know it doesn’t avoid all problems. I am trying to figure out how to do this in a way that does minimize the trauma of it in an unselfish a way as I can. I have been in a miserable marriage for many years and was basically gas lit to stay in it. My spouse would stay in the marriage because I make 90% of the money and manage all of the heavy lifting. She stopped participating in the marriage a long time ago and has made it clear with her actions she isn’t going to change. The relationship is completely one sided, I make the money, pay the bills, cook for myself, do my own laundry, we have no intimacy, I grocery shop for the house, do quite a bit of the kid organization and management stuff.

I'm sorry but you will not get sympathy here. The women are locked in in solidarity and they won't believe you. They will say *there is more to the story....". The wives here are so perfect

Np it isn't a question of being 'perfect' but usually there are two sides to every story. Or do you always assume one party is always telling the 100 percent truth? This is why in court cases both sides get to present their version.

According to dcum, there r 2 sides to a story whenever a guy posts about his incompetent wife. However, when a wife posts about her husband, then take her at face value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me how this works. You drop them at the dorm then drop the news that mom and dad are divorcing? Or is there a more in depth plan?

Your poor unfortunate children!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We told the kids in HS, dad moved to the guest room.

They watched dad go to therapy and become a better person over those years. That showed it had nothing to do with them, it was good learning experience to have empathy for someone who has PTSD.

When the youngest went to college it was actually 2020 and the building of my ex's new house was stalled due to supply chain so it wasn't ready until 2021.

We never had the kids go to the "other house" ... their dad came to our house to see them or we met at a restaurant. We still do all holidays together at the family home, we still visit them together and separate depending on why we are visiting.

They will occasionally go to his house but it's rare.

Their biggest concern was will we sell the family home and we decided we won't do that until they all graduate and then some.

This is selish.

You sound like girlfriend of the H who is mad he still spends time with his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is a high school senior and last weekend she had a group of friends over and they were all talking about whose parents are going to get divorced when they head to college.

They were able to point to three sets of parents that they know where the parents are staying together for the kids and completely miserable marriages. One kid was talking about how her parents have lived separate lives for four years and she just wishes they would divorce already instead of waiting for the artificial “youngest kid heads to college” because it makes her feel like her parents are unhappy for her.

My DD16 has a close friend like this. The dad "lives" in the basement of the home and the parents try not to spend much time together. They openly discuss with their kids (and the kids discuss with their friends) how they will separate when the youngest child graduates HS. It's a strange dynamic that it is so open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. I don't know why people seem to think it doesn't cause issues. I had a ton of guilt feeling like I was the cause my parents stayed miserable for so long. Then I was angry at them for making me live in that environment. It was just so unpleasant, the animosity was obvious. Then I was resentful of the stress it added on to my freshman year and the difficulty it added on to an already difficult transition in my life.

I didn't go home my entire first year, not even for Christmas.

It took quite awhile for my parents and I to repair our relationships.

Glad you finally matured enough to realize it isn’t all about you all the time. If it was that difficult for you as a young adult, your parents likely made the calculation that it would have been even more difficult for you at a younger age.

OP, shut up. No one decides to divorce after raising kids on a whim.

Of course I matured. But OP was so flippant in her post and I've seen other people post where they make it sound like waiting until their kid goes off to college avoids all problems, and it doesn't.

I agree. I mean, you've just had this huge transition from Child to Almost Adult. You are on your own. Knowing your parents are there and you have a place to go home - so very important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. I don't know why people seem to think it doesn't cause issues. I had a ton of guilt feeling like I was the cause my parents stayed miserable for so long. Then I was angry at them for making me live in that environment. It was just so unpleasant, the animosity was obvious. Then I was resentful of the stress it added on to my freshman year and the difficulty it added on to an already difficult transition in my life.

I didn't go home my entire first year, not even for Christmas.

It took quite awhile for my parents and I to repair our relationships.

Glad you finally matured enough to realize it isn’t all about you all the time. If it was that difficult for you as a young adult, your parents likely made the calculation that it would have been even more difficult for you at a younger age.

OP, shut up. No one decides to divorce after raising kids on a whim.

Of course I matured. But OP was so flippant in her post and I've seen other people post where they make it sound like waiting until their kid goes off to college avoids all problems, and it doesn't.

I know it doesn’t avoid all problems. I am trying to figure out how to do this in a way that does minimize the trauma of it in an unselfish a way as I can. I have been in a miserable marriage for many years and was basically gas lit to stay in it. My spouse would stay in the marriage because I make 90% of the money and manage all of the heavy lifting. She stopped participating in the marriage a long time ago and has made it clear with her actions she isn’t going to change. The relationship is completely one sided, I make the money, pay the bills, cook for myself, do my own laundry, we have no intimacy, I grocery shop for the house, do quite a bit of the kid organization and management stuff.

I'm sorry but you will not get sympathy here. The women are locked in in solidarity and they won't believe you. They will say *there is more to the story....". The wives here are so perfect

Np it isn't a question of being 'perfect' but usually there are two sides to every story. Or do you always assume one party is always telling the 100 percent truth? This is why in court cases both sides get to present their version.

According to dcum, there r 2 sides to a story whenever a guy posts about his incompetent wife. However, when a wife posts about her husband, then take her at face value.

Why do you say things like this? You or your clone say thing like this frequently. This is not true.