Divorce when kids go to college

[Anonymous]

Tell me how this works. You drop them at the dorm then drop the news that mom and dad are divorcing? Or is there a more in depth plan?

[Anonymous]

I was the kid in this scenario. I don't know why people seem to think it doesn't cause issues. I had a ton of guilt feeling like I was the cause my parents stayed miserable for so long. Then I was angry at them for making me live in that environment. It was just so unpleasant, the animosity was obvious. Then I was resentful of the stress it added on to my freshman year and the difficulty it added on to an already difficult transition in my life.

I didn't go home my entire first year, not even for Christmas.

It took quite awhile for my parents and I to repair our relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. I don't know why people seem to think it doesn't cause issues. I had a ton of guilt feeling like I was the cause my parents stayed miserable for so long. Then I was angry at them for making me live in that environment. It was just so unpleasant, the animosity was obvious. Then I was resentful of the stress it added on to my freshman year and the difficulty it added on to an already difficult transition in my life.

I didn't go home my entire first year, not even for Christmas.

It took quite awhile for my parents and I to repair our relationships.

Glad you finally matured enough to realize it isn’t all about you all the time. If it was that difficult for you as a young adult, your parents likely made the calculation that it would have been even more difficult for you at a younger age.

OP, shut up. No one decides to divorce after raising kids on a whim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. I don't know why people seem to think it doesn't cause issues. I had a ton of guilt feeling like I was the cause my parents stayed miserable for so long. Then I was angry at them for making me live in that environment. It was just so unpleasant, the animosity was obvious. Then I was resentful of the stress it added on to my freshman year and the difficulty it added on to an already difficult transition in my life.

I didn't go home my entire first year, not even for Christmas.

It took quite awhile for my parents and I to repair our relationships.

Glad you finally matured enough to realize it isn’t all about you all the time. If it was that difficult for you as a young adult, your parents likely made the calculation that it would have been even more difficult for you at a younger age.

OP, shut up. No one decides to divorce after raising kids on a whim.

Of course I matured. But OP was so flippant in her post and I've seen other people post where they make it sound like waiting until their kid goes off to college avoids all problems, and it doesn't.

[Anonymous]

My daughter is a high school senior and last weekend she had a group of friends over and they were all talking about whose parents are going to get divorced when they head to college.

They were able to point to three sets of parents that they know where the parents are staying together for the kids and completely miserable marriages. One kid was talking about how her parents have lived separate lives for four years and she just wishes they would divorce already instead of waiting for the artificial “youngest kid heads to college” because it makes her feel like her parents are unhappy for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. I don't know why people seem to think it doesn't cause issues. I had a ton of guilt feeling like I was the cause my parents stayed miserable for so long. Then I was angry at them for making me live in that environment. It was just so unpleasant, the animosity was obvious. Then I was resentful of the stress it added on to my freshman year and the difficulty it added on to an already difficult transition in my life.

I didn't go home my entire first year, not even for Christmas.

It took quite awhile for my parents and I to repair our relationships.

Glad you finally matured enough to realize it isn’t all about you all the time. If it was that difficult for you as a young adult, your parents likely made the calculation that it would have been even more difficult for you at a younger age.

OP, shut up. No one decides to divorce after raising kids on a whim.

Of course I matured. But OP was so flippant in her post and I've seen other people post where they make it sound like waiting until their kid goes off to college avoids all problems, and it doesn't.

No one has ever posted the way you and OP did, like parents think it’s nothing or avoids problems. It’s a matter of trying your best to choose the right time. My parents divorced at 14 and it sucked then too and also split assets at a crucial time —> loans for me. There’s no perfect time! Stop second-guessing when people are usually just trying to ameliorate harm.

[Anonymous]

I am OP and nothing was flippant about my post. It is a genuine question for people that have been there in life. It is where I see my marriage, the end zone is them getting to college then we are both done, my marriage needs work and spouse has no interest in making it a better and I am at the point that I no longer want to either.

This has been 3-4 years coming and now that we are almost empty nesters I want a plan. And I want to think through the variables.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it is always that cut and dry. I had some friends in high school who we all thought for sure their parents would divorce after they went to college, and they are still married to this day.

But I do think most people try to wait for better moments- there is never a good moment. For instance, divorce rates spike after the holidays. Most people are not intentionally cruel and are just trying to figure things out. And for some reason it feels better to wait until a child won’t have to see the daily mess that will inevitably happen for a period of time while everyone works things out.

DH’s parents divorced when he was in his 30s. It was still really hard. There is never a good time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. I don't know why people seem to think it doesn't cause issues. I had a ton of guilt feeling like I was the cause my parents stayed miserable for so long. Then I was angry at them for making me live in that environment. It was just so unpleasant, the animosity was obvious. Then I was resentful of the stress it added on to my freshman year and the difficulty it added on to an already difficult transition in my life.

I didn't go home my entire first year, not even for Christmas.

It took quite awhile for my parents and I to repair our relationships.

Glad you finally matured enough to realize it isn’t all about you all the time. If it was that difficult for you as a young adult, your parents likely made the calculation that it would have been even more difficult for you at a younger age.

OP, shut up. No one decides to divorce after raising kids on a whim.

Of course I matured. But OP was so flippant in her post and I've seen other people post where they make it sound like waiting until their kid goes off to college avoids all problems, and it doesn't.

I know it doesn’t avoid all problems. I am trying to figure out how to do this in a way that does minimize the trauma of it in an unselfish a way as I can. I have been in a miserable marriage for many years and was basically gas lit to stay in it. My spouse would stay in the marriage because I make 90% of the money and manage all of the heavy lifting. She stopped participating in the marriage a long time ago and has made it clear with her actions she isn’t going to change. The relationship is completely one sided, I make the money, pay the bills, cook for myself, do my own laundry, we have no intimacy, I grocery shop for the house, do quite a bit of the kid organization and management stuff.

[Anonymous]

Ideally, you don’t drop the ball immediately. Give them a chance to settle in, wait until after the holidays. They will have friends, have adapted to college, and will have matured a bit. You can talk with them in person before they go back to school after winter break. Give them at least a few days warning to help them adjust before they need to leave. Figure out counseling options for them. Etc. It won’t be easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is a high school senior and last weekend she had a group of friends over and they were all talking about whose parents are going to get divorced when they head to college.

They were able to point to three sets of parents that they know where the parents are staying together for the kids and completely miserable marriages. One kid was talking about how her parents have lived separate lives for four years and she just wishes they would divorce already instead of waiting for the artificial “youngest kid heads to college” because it makes her feel like her parents are unhappy for her.

Wow. And let me guess they probably also expect their respective mothers to be the ones who will end up asking for divorce. The daughters will see that dynamics and most likely repeat the same behavior when they get married as well.

[Anonymous]

There's never a good time. My parents divorced when I was 16. Looking back, they were waiting for me to get my drivers license (rural living!) because that made the logistics so much easier for everyone. But having to live across two houses was really crappy.

The benefit of waiting until college is that your kids don't have to live day-to-day joint custody, they only have to do it on the holidays for the rest of their lives. And they don't have to witness the splitting-up of the stuff, the moving of furniture, etc. I remember living in my mom's house with moving boxes piled all around and then going back to my dad's with a giant gaping hole where the couch used to be. It was horrid. And also seeing them very poorly conceal their dating, which in a small town setting is MISERABLE because everyone knows everyone. So having experienced the high school age version, I do think there's a lot to be said for waiting until college.

But if you do it fall freshman year, you're really traumatizing them. It pulls the rug out from under them at a very sensitive moment.

[Anonymous]

We told the kids in HS, dad moved to the guest room.

They watched dad go to therapy and become a better person over those years. That showed it had nothing to do with them, it was good learning experience to have empathy for someone who has PTSD.

When the youngest went to college it was actually 2020 and the building of my ex's new house was stalled due to supply chain so it wasn't ready until 2021.

We never had the kids go to the "other house" ... their dad came to our house to see them or we met at a restaurant. We still do all holidays together at the family home, we still visit them together and separate depending on why we are visiting.

They will occasionally go to his house but it's rare.

Their biggest concern was will we sell the family home and we decided we won't do that until they all graduate and then some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. I don't know why people seem to think it doesn't cause issues. I had a ton of guilt feeling like I was the cause my parents stayed miserable for so long. Then I was angry at them for making me live in that environment. It was just so unpleasant, the animosity was obvious. Then I was resentful of the stress it added on to my freshman year and the difficulty it added on to an already difficult transition in my life.

I didn't go home my entire first year, not even for Christmas.

It took quite awhile for my parents and I to repair our relationships.

Glad you finally matured enough to realize it isn’t all about you all the time. If it was that difficult for you as a young adult, your parents likely made the calculation that it would have been even more difficult for you at a younger age.

OP, shut up. No one decides to divorce after raising kids on a whim.

Of course I matured. But OP was so flippant in her post and I've seen other people post where they make it sound like waiting until their kid goes off to college avoids all problems, and it doesn't.

I know it doesn’t avoid all problems. I am trying to figure out how to do this in a way that does minimize the trauma of it in an unselfish a way as I can. I have been in a miserable marriage for many years and was basically gas lit to stay in it. My spouse would stay in the marriage because I make 90% of the money and manage all of the heavy lifting. She stopped participating in the marriage a long time ago and has made it clear with her actions she isn’t going to change. The relationship is completely one sided, I make the money, pay the bills, cook for myself, do my own laundry, we have no intimacy, I grocery shop for the house, do quite a bit of the kid organization and management stuff.

I'm sorry but you will not get sympathy here. The women are locked in in solidarity and they won't believe you. They will say *there is more to the story....". The wives here are so perfect

[Anonymous]

Young adulthood/college is known as one of the worst times to divorce when it comes to making the adult child feel completely unmoored and losing their entire family/childhood. You need to read more about this.