Divorce when kids go to college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. I don't know why people seem to think it doesn't cause issues. I had a ton of guilt feeling like I was the cause my parents stayed miserable for so long. Then I was angry at them for making me live in that environment. It was just so unpleasant, the animosity was obvious. Then I was resentful of the stress it added on to my freshman year and the difficulty it added on to an already difficult transition in my life.

I didn't go home my entire first year, not even for Christmas.

It took quite awhile for my parents and I to repair our relationships.

That sounds rough, PP. I don’t think freshman year is a good time to divorce.

Honestly, there’s never a good time. Someone who took it this hard when they were a freshman in college would probably be even more devastated as a freshman in high school. Maybe navigating two households and the stress of the transition would have derailed her college chances completely.

There’s never a “good” time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. I don't know why people seem to think it doesn't cause issues. I had a ton of guilt feeling like I was the cause my parents stayed miserable for so long. Then I was angry at them for making me live in that environment. It was just so unpleasant, the animosity was obvious. Then I was resentful of the stress it added on to my freshman year and the difficulty it added on to an already difficult transition in my life.

I didn't go home my entire first year, not even for Christmas.

It took quite awhile for my parents and I to repair our relationships.

That sounds rough, PP. I don’t think freshman year is a good time to divorce.

Honestly, there’s never a good time. Someone who took it this hard when they were a freshman in college would probably be even more devastated as a freshman in high school. Maybe navigating two households and the stress of the transition would have derailed her college chances completely.

There’s never a “good” time.

The parents should work to save the marriage. What a failure!

[Anonymous]

We did. I told my spouse in mid summer that I intended to leave. We started planning and told the kids a few weeks later. Spouse and I took kid to college and then went our separate ways. Kids did not witness the move out process. Our divorce was more amicable than most.

[Anonymous]

I've read too that beginning of college is not a good time because they need a safe landing at home when they are adjusting.

Get professional help.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. I don't know why people seem to think it doesn't cause issues. I had a ton of guilt feeling like I was the cause my parents stayed miserable for so long. Then I was angry at them for making me live in that environment. It was just so unpleasant, the animosity was obvious. Then I was resentful of the stress it added on to my freshman year and the difficulty it added on to an already difficult transition in my life.

I didn't go home my entire first year, not even for Christmas.

It took quite awhile for my parents and I to repair our relationships.

That sounds rough, PP. I don’t think freshman year is a good time to divorce.

Honestly, there’s never a good time. Someone who took it this hard when they were a freshman in college would probably be even more devastated as a freshman in high school. Maybe navigating two households and the stress of the transition would have derailed her college chances completely.

There’s never a “good” time.

The parents should work to save the marriage. What a failure!

I am the original poster. It takes two people to make a marriage work. Unfortunately my spouse has made it clear with actions and words that it is not a priority for her. I regret staying in the marriage as long as I have, it’s been 5 or so years of misery and I highly suspect infidelity 3 or so years ago.

Up until 5 or 6 months ago I would initiate conversations with her and she would gas light and say wait until kids are in college. Then a week later start talking about life 5 years from now like we were staying together. Nothing loving or caring, things like home projects, beach condo stuff like that, basically things she needs to stay married to me to have or potentially have. Like I said earlier, she would happily stay in the marriage as I provide and handle things, she just doesnt want to participate in the marriage. I can not think of one single thing she brings to this relationship anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. I don't know why people seem to think it doesn't cause issues. I had a ton of guilt feeling like I was the cause my parents stayed miserable for so long. Then I was angry at them for making me live in that environment. It was just so unpleasant, the animosity was obvious. Then I was resentful of the stress it added on to my freshman year and the difficulty it added on to an already difficult transition in my life.

I didn't go home my entire first year, not even for Christmas.

It took quite awhile for my parents and I to repair our relationships.

That sounds rough, PP. I don’t think freshman year is a good time to divorce.

Honestly, there’s never a good time. Someone who took it this hard when they were a freshman in college would probably be even more devastated as a freshman in high school. Maybe navigating two households and the stress of the transition would have derailed her college chances completely.

There’s never a “good” time.

The parents should work to save the marriage. What a failure!

I am the original poster. It takes two people to make a marriage work. Unfortunately my spouse has made it clear with actions and words that it is not a priority for her. I regret staying in the marriage as long as I have, it’s been 5 or so years of misery and I highly suspect infidelity 3 or so years ago.

Up until 5 or 6 months ago I would initiate conversations with her and she would gas light and say wait until kids are in college. Then a week later start talking about life 5 years from now like we were staying together. Nothing loving or caring, things like home projects, beach condo stuff like that, basically things she needs to stay married to me to have or potentially have. Like I said earlier, she would happily stay in the marriage as I provide and handle things, she just doesnt want to participate in the marriage. I can not think of one single thing she brings to this relationship anymore.

Sounds like my ex. Found out it was an affair while my oldest still had one year of HS left. I waited 2 more years until younger one graduated and filed after first semester of college. She would have been happy to continue living off of my dime and demanding more and more luxury etc- I think she was shopping for an exit affair so she would never have to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. I don't know why people seem to think it doesn't cause issues. I had a ton of guilt feeling like I was the cause my parents stayed miserable for so long. Then I was angry at them for making me live in that environment. It was just so unpleasant, the animosity was obvious. Then I was resentful of the stress it added on to my freshman year and the difficulty it added on to an already difficult transition in my life.

I didn't go home my entire first year, not even for Christmas.

It took quite awhile for my parents and I to repair our relationships.

That sounds rough, PP. I don’t think freshman year is a good time to divorce.

Honestly, there’s never a good time. Someone who took it this hard when they were a freshman in college would probably be even more devastated as a freshman in high school. Maybe navigating two households and the stress of the transition would have derailed her college chances completely.

There’s never a “good” time.

Many kids derail during age 12-18 if/when parents divorce during grades 6-12. It’s sad to see. The work addict parent could care less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. I don't know why people seem to think it doesn't cause issues. I had a ton of guilt feeling like I was the cause my parents stayed miserable for so long. Then I was angry at them for making me live in that environment. It was just so unpleasant, the animosity was obvious. Then I was resentful of the stress it added on to my freshman year and the difficulty it added on to an already difficult transition in my life.

I didn't go home my entire first year, not even for Christmas.

It took quite awhile for my parents and I to repair our relationships.

That sounds rough, PP. I don’t think freshman year is a good time to divorce.

Honestly, there’s never a good time. Someone who took it this hard when they were a freshman in college would probably be even more devastated as a freshman in high school. Maybe navigating two households and the stress of the transition would have derailed her college chances completely.

There’s never a “good” time.

The parents should work to save the marriage. What a failure!

I am the original poster. It takes two people to make a marriage work. Unfortunately my spouse has made it clear with actions and words that it is not a priority for her. I regret staying in the marriage as long as I have, it’s been 5 or so years of misery and I highly suspect infidelity 3 or so years ago.

Up until 5 or 6 months ago I would initiate conversations with her and she would gas light and say wait until kids are in college. Then a week later start talking about life 5 years from now like we were staying together. Nothing loving or caring, things like home projects, beach condo stuff like that, basically things she needs to stay married to me to have or potentially have. Like I said earlier, she would happily stay in the marriage as I provide and handle things, she just doesnt want to participate in the marriage. I can not think of one single thing she brings to this relationship anymore.

Curious what she brought to the household or to the child rearing or income?

Or do you mean you “handled” everything - the kids, home, your work, schedules?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. I don't know why people seem to think it doesn't cause issues. I had a ton of guilt feeling like I was the cause my parents stayed miserable for so long. Then I was angry at them for making me live in that environment. It was just so unpleasant, the animosity was obvious. Then I was resentful of the stress it added on to my freshman year and the difficulty it added on to an already difficult transition in my life.

I didn't go home my entire first year, not even for Christmas.

It took quite awhile for my parents and I to repair our relationships.

That sounds rough, PP. I don’t think freshman year is a good time to divorce.

Honestly, there’s never a good time. Someone who took it this hard when they were a freshman in college would probably be even more devastated as a freshman in high school. Maybe navigating two households and the stress of the transition would have derailed her college chances completely.

There’s never a “good” time.

The parents should work to save the marriage. What a failure!

I am the original poster. It takes two people to make a marriage work. Unfortunately my spouse has made it clear with actions and words that it is not a priority for her. I regret staying in the marriage as long as I have, it’s been 5 or so years of misery and I highly suspect infidelity 3 or so years ago.

Up until 5 or 6 months ago I would initiate conversations with her and she would gas light and say wait until kids are in college. Then a week later start talking about life 5 years from now like we were staying together. Nothing loving or caring, things like home projects, beach condo stuff like that, basically things she needs to stay married to me to have or potentially have. Like I said earlier, she would happily stay in the marriage as I provide and handle things, she just doesnt want to participate in the marriage. I can not think of one single thing she brings to this relationship anymore.

youd have to rewind quite a bit to answer what really happened here.

Right now there is no romantic or marital relationship”, but what exactly happened over the last 10-20 years to get there? Usually somewhere along the line trust and honesty breaks down, yet life with kids, jobs, and a house continue on.

What broke down the trust and honesty? Too much work? Wrong priorities? Avoidant communication? Someone’s temper? Someone’s negligence? Can’t count on someone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me how this works. You drop them at the dorm then drop the news that mom and dad are divorcing? Or is there a more in depth plan?

So OP’s real question is what would cause their spouse to be uninterested in working on the marriage five years ago onward.

[Anonymous]

In my case I became uninterested in my marriage once my spouse made it clear they were not going to manage their adhd/asd symptoms, nor be an involved parent, nor fix their bad habits, nor maintain the house.

Coparenting with someone like that is the same or worse as living in the same home with a mean work addict freeloader.

There has been no cheating but if they turned around and accused me of not being a doting, loving, supportive spouse after 14 years of their neglect and ignorance and rages, I’d LMAO at how delusional that sounds.
And they are the last person I’d feel safe sleeping with, it’s be traumatic at this point given the verbal abuse rages and divorce threats over the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell me how this works. You drop them at the dorm then drop the news that mom and dad are divorcing? Or is there a more in depth plan?

So OP’s real question is what would cause their spouse to be uninterested in working on the marriage five years ago onward.

4 years ago that was the question. the question I asked is the question I am looking for answers to now.

[Anonymous]

In my group of women many had parents that divorce older like this. They are all still messed up and traumatized in their 40s. Don't be selfish.

[Anonymous]

Once I realized the nest was going to be empty soon, I considered the possibility of saying and realized that the kids would be in the house less than two or three weeks a year, and I didn't want to spend more than 11 months a year in loveless home. Years later, the kids seem good. The kids never seemed that upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once I realized the nest was going to be empty soon, I considered the possibility of saying and realized that the kids would be in the house less than two or three weeks a year, and I didn't want to spend more than 11 months a year in loveless home. Years later, the kids seem good. The kids never seemed that upset.

My kid was home 1 week at Thanksgiving. Had a 6 week winter break. He is home next week for spring break. Out of school May 12th and goes back Labor Day weekend.

It’s a helluva lot more than 2 weeks. lol