Moms with older sons - do you still get to see them often?

[Anonymous]

Mom of two boys, married to a woman who had two boys, and I have three older brothers.

Both DH and his brother are reasonably close to his mom. She’s a good MIL (respects boundaries, pleasant to be around). DH has called his parents weekly since we’ve been together, we vacation together every summer, and see them at least every month. I’ve actually been lobbying to have them move to our neighborhood. They don’t pour their hearts out to each other regularly but both DH and his mom are not pour-your-heart-out types.

My brothers were all close to my mom, who died when they were in their 30s. Watching them mourn her, even 20 years later, has taught me that even if they’re a little more emotionally closed off than most women, there’s still something really special about mother/son relationships which isn’t going anywhere.

FWIW my teen son told me today that I could totally come tag along with him and his girlfriend on vacations when he’s older. I’m not booking my ticket on that one yet but it made me laugh!

I do get a little sad sometimes that I don’t have a daughter as I know that relationship would be different, but I’m surrounded by men who have/had good relationships with their moms, and I’m a pretty sane, drama free, boundary-respecting person, so I’m pretty hopeful we’ll stay close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two sons and completely understand that whomever they marry will likely control access to our sons and grandkids, so we will make it a point to be good in-laws.

Our plan is to move near one when they have kids (and then rent near the other if needed) so we can be helpful. We hope they live somewhere fun/cool/warmish.

You sound like you're still on the young side. Do you not have connections to your current city? Will you be completely dependent on your sons and their families for your social life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two sons and completely understand that whomever they marry will likely control access to our sons and grandkids, so we will make it a point to be good in-laws.

Our plan is to move near one when they have kids (and then rent near the other if needed) so we can be helpful. We hope they live somewhere fun/cool/warmish.

You sound like you're still on the young side. Do you not have connections to your current city? Will you be completely dependent on your sons and their families for your social life?

Not at all…just don’t have my head up my ass like you.

We can easily make friends wherever we go through adult sports leagues and hobbies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two sons and completely understand that whomever they marry will likely control access to our sons and grandkids, so we will make it a point to be good in-laws.

Our plan is to move near one when they have kids (and then rent near the other if needed) so we can be helpful. We hope they live somewhere fun/cool/warmish.

You sound like you're still on the young side. Do you not have connections to your current city? Will you be completely dependent on your sons and their families for your social life?

Not at all…just don’t have my head up my ass like you.

We can easily make friends wherever we go through adult sports leagues and hobbies.

I wasn't at all trying to be contentious. I was asking only in that we are in a similar situation and I completely agree with you that we are at the mercy of our sons' spouses for how much we are involved. And we too plan to be accommodating and helpful grandparents. We have money to provide support, as well. We will be who they want us to be, in essence. We're just trying to figure out what that looks like, especially since it isn't likely that our DSs will ever live in the same city. So when you said buy a house near one and rent near another, does that in itself cause problems, sort of thing.

It's all just new to us in terms of how to approach since we currently live in our hometown, where all our extended family lives. I don't want to cut off those relationships that mean a lot to me, only to have a DIL feel that we are encroaching on their lives, no matter how hard we try to be agreeable. The other issue that we've thought about is that given their ages, it's a decent possibility that their careers will take them to other cities. So I'd hate to move to some city to live near them, only to have them move some place else.

I'm thinking out loud. But again, I was not being contentious. You are just someone thinking about the same things we are in a way you don't often see on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two sons and completely understand that whomever they marry will likely control access to our sons and grandkids, so we will make it a point to be good in-laws.

Our plan is to move near one when they have kids (and then rent near the other if needed) so we can be helpful. We hope they live somewhere fun/cool/warmish.

You sound like you're still on the young side. Do you not have connections to your current city? Will you be completely dependent on your sons and their families for your social life?

Not at all…just don’t have my head up my ass like you.

We can easily make friends wherever we go through adult sports leagues and hobbies.

I wasn't at all trying to be contentious. I was asking only in that we are in a similar situation and I completely agree with you that we are at the mercy of our sons' spouses for how much we are involved. And we too plan to be accommodating and helpful grandparents. We have money to provide support, as well. We will be who they want us to be, in essence. We're just trying to figure out what that looks like, especially since it isn't likely that our DSs will ever live in the same city. So when you said buy a house near one and rent near another, does that in itself cause problems, sort of thing.

It's all just new to us in terms of how to approach since we currently live in our hometown, where all our extended family lives. I don't want to cut off those relationships that mean a lot to me, only to have a DIL feel that we are encroaching on their lives, no matter how hard we try to be agreeable. The other issue that we've thought about is that given their ages, it's a decent possibility that their careers will take them to other cities. So I'd hate to move to some city to live near them, only to have them move some place else.

I'm thinking out loud. But again, I was not being contentious. You are just someone thinking about the same things we are in a way you don't often see on DCUM.

OK, sorry.

We plan on two moves...one move for say a decade (our kids are in 20s) to a place that a 20-year old would want to visit...somewhere warm or possibly a resort/ski type area. Once at least one of the kids seems established, then start talking about moving near them.

I agree with you that if either/both seems to move around a ton, and that won't end, then we need to reconsider the plan...other than we are more than happy to rent an AirBnB for months at a time if our help is wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two sons and completely understand that whomever they marry will likely control access to our sons and grandkids, so we will make it a point to be good in-laws.

Our plan is to move near one when they have kids (and then rent near the other if needed) so we can be helpful. We hope they live somewhere fun/cool/warmish.

You sound like you're still on the young side. Do you not have connections to your current city? Will you be completely dependent on your sons and their families for your social life?

Not at all…just don’t have my head up my ass like you.

We can easily make friends wherever we go through adult sports leagues and hobbies.

I wasn't at all trying to be contentious. I was asking only in that we are in a similar situation and I completely agree with you that we are at the mercy of our sons' spouses for how much we are involved. And we too plan to be accommodating and helpful grandparents. We have money to provide support, as well. We will be who they want us to be, in essence. We're just trying to figure out what that looks like, especially since it isn't likely that our DSs will ever live in the same city. So when you said buy a house near one and rent near another, does that in itself cause problems, sort of thing.

It's all just new to us in terms of how to approach since we currently live in our hometown, where all our extended family lives. I don't want to cut off those relationships that mean a lot to me, only to have a DIL feel that we are encroaching on their lives, no matter how hard we try to be agreeable. The other issue that we've thought about is that given their ages, it's a decent possibility that their careers will take them to other cities. So I'd hate to move to some city to live near them, only to have them move some place else.

I'm thinking out loud. But again, I was not being contentious. You are just someone thinking about the same things we are in a way you don't often see on DCUM.

OK, sorry.

We plan on two moves...one move for say a decade (our kids are in 20s) to a place that a 20-year old would want to visit...somewhere warm or possibly a resort/ski type area. Once at least one of the kids seems established, then start talking about moving near them.

I agree with you that if either/both seems to move around a ton, and that won't end, then we need to reconsider the plan...other than we are more than happy to rent an AirBnB for months at a time if our help is wanted.

I like the idea of an AirBnB or short term rental given the unknowns for the next couple of decades. And I pray that not only will the spouses like us, but that they will like each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two sons and completely understand that whomever they marry will likely control access to our sons and grandkids, so we will make it a point to be good in-laws.

Our plan is to move near one when they have kids (and then rent near the other if needed) so we can be helpful. We hope they live somewhere fun/cool/warmish.

This is so sad. Control access? I wouldn’t want to live my life at the mercy of someone else

That’s just the facts. You can bury your head in the sand and never see your kids or grandkids or you can wake up and understand how the world works.

The world only works like this because of the ingrained misogyny in us all that the mom is responsible for the kids and the social calendar. Raise your sons to understand that they should do 50/50 with respect to the kids and that they need to manage a social calendar, and you are much less likely to have an issue. My husband handles all stuff with his family and he is great at it. He remembers birthdays and holidays and gets gifts/cards. He communicates with his parents and brothers regularly. All of the brothers coordinate stuff. For example, my BIL just reached out and scheduled Easter lunch for everyone at a restaurant and even asked if I would like to invite my dad. This stuff was modeled to them and they all do it. They are all men who were raised staunch Republican, freewill Baptists (which is pretty strict). Yet all three boys seem way more feminist to me than most of the men out there that beat their chests about being feminist. And they all vote democrat now (which isn’t the point but cracks me up). Their dad modeled all kinds of kindness and participation in family life. He was a good man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two sons and completely understand that whomever they marry will likely control access to our sons and grandkids, so we will make it a point to be good in-laws.

Our plan is to move near one when they have kids (and then rent near the other if needed) so we can be helpful. We hope they live somewhere fun/cool/warmish.

Why would you think this? My in-laws are good people and sometimes drive me a little batty, but I regularly encourage DH to see them more by inviting them to visit us or seeing if they want us to go there. He declines every single time. He has a good relationship with them but is happy being lower contact. I sometimes wonder if more DILs are like me and it's actually the sons who don't want more contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two sons and completely understand that whomever they marry will likely control access to our sons and grandkids, so we will make it a point to be good in-laws.

Our plan is to move near one when they have kids (and then rent near the other if needed) so we can be helpful. We hope they live somewhere fun/cool/warmish.

Why would you think this? My in-laws are good people and sometimes drive me a little batty, but I regularly encourage DH to see them more by inviting them to visit us or seeing if they want us to go there. He declines every single time. He has a good relationship with them but is happy being lower contact. I sometimes wonder if more DILs are like me and it's actually the sons who don't want more contact.

I'm not the PP you're responding to, but in my family the sons are busy with their own lives and careers and the DILs are also busy with their own lives and careers. They really don't want ILs up in their business so much. A model that I do see working is when the ILs pay for school/activities/household help with no strings attached. Not that this is any guarantee that they will want you around.

I think all you can do is be kind and offer to help in ways you can provide and they want. And this applies whether is it a DS or DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you are worried about this when your children are in elementary school suggests you are highly anxious. If you go solve that, your sons are more likely to be close to you as adults.

FWIW — my husband is super close with his parents. Sees them, buys gifts and cards, etc. I barely see my parents. It is because they suck, not because I’m male or female.

Same.

My husband is super close to his parents (not just mom). They live far but he talks to them every week, phone/facetime. My parents (divorced) suck too so we only talk during holidays/birthdays or when something "big" happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two sons and completely understand that whomever they marry will likely control access to our sons and grandkids, so we will make it a point to be good in-laws.

Our plan is to move near one when they have kids (and then rent near the other if needed) so we can be helpful. We hope they live somewhere fun/cool/warmish.

Why would you think this? My in-laws are good people and sometimes drive me a little batty, but I regularly encourage DH to see them more by inviting them to visit us or seeing if they want us to go there. He declines every single time. He has a good relationship with them but is happy being lower contact. I sometimes wonder if more DILs are like me and it's actually the sons who don't want more contact.

Because of comments like this. My in-laws never drive me batty...a little or otherwise. It's quite possible your definition of a "little batty" = batshit crazy to him, so he doesn't risk the drama.

[Anonymous]

DIL here. We see my in laws a lot. They live twenty minutes away. They are always welcome at our house and vice versa. We’ve had our disagreements from time to time but overall were close and split all holidays evenly. They are wonderful grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two sons and completely understand that whomever they marry will likely control access to our sons and grandkids, so we will make it a point to be good in-laws.

Our plan is to move near one when they have kids (and then rent near the other if needed) so we can be helpful. We hope they live somewhere fun/cool/warmish.

Why would you think this? My in-laws are good people and sometimes drive me a little batty, but I regularly encourage DH to see them more by inviting them to visit us or seeing if they want us to go there. He declines every single time. He has a good relationship with them but is happy being lower contact. I sometimes wonder if more DILs are like me and it's actually the sons who don't want more contact.

Because of comments like this. My in-laws never drive me batty...a little or otherwise. It's quite possible your definition of a "little batty" = batshit crazy to him, so he doesn't risk the drama.

I kinda doubt that. I have never had a disagreement with my in-laws. They are good people. Yeah, my MIL is a perfectionist and I admit it drives me a little nuts bc it is hard to help out when we visit, and I feel lazy, but I would never raise that with her. If she doesn't like the way I make the bed or fold towels, so be it! I think it's easier to blame a SIL or DIL than your own kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two sons and completely understand that whomever they marry will likely control access to our sons and grandkids, so we will make it a point to be good in-laws.

Our plan is to move near one when they have kids (and then rent near the other if needed) so we can be helpful. We hope they live somewhere fun/cool/warmish.

Why would you think this? My in-laws are good people and sometimes drive me a little batty, but I regularly encourage DH to see them more by inviting them to visit us or seeing if they want us to go there. He declines every single time. He has a good relationship with them but is happy being lower contact. I sometimes wonder if more DILs are like me and it's actually the sons who don't want more contact.

Because of comments like this. My in-laws never drive me batty...a little or otherwise. It's quite possible your definition of a "little batty" = batshit crazy to him, so he doesn't risk the drama.

It's great that you get along perfectly with your ILs, but it's ok for people to admit minor (or even major) things about family on an anonymous message board that they wouldn't say to their family. I think you need a little perspective.

[Anonymous]

My son visits us 2-3 times a year around major holidays, for about 10 days each time. His girlfriend comes with him because she prefers to stay with us in the city(her parents live in exburbia in another region). He calls us once a week or so, and we text more often. He takes an oversea trip with me once a year, for about 10 days.

His girlfriend has a great relationship with her parents. She calls them everyday, and they visit her monthly. I can see they will see her parents more than us after they are married with children. I don't mind, they are wonderful parents.