Moms with older sons - do you still get to see them often?

[Anonymous]

Like most stereotypes, this one probably wouldn't hold up to actual modern data.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a choice OP.

You can be living and supportive and pay for their travel to places they can have a true vacation, and you will spend time with them.

Or you can be demanding and entitled and see how often they’re too busy.

I'm the PP who's seen my college son twice since July - we are loving and supportive but he chose a path (service academy) that separated him from his family. Sometimes life choices just get in the way. Kids get jobs across the country, flights get expensive, work is busy during that last year of college, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH's mom is in his life still. She's a good MIL in general, and she respects his and my boundaries. That's key-- I know I can trust her to do that at all times.

Same. We live about an our away from MIL and see her sometimes twice a month but other times it goes on for a few months based on schedules/vacations. He makes a point to have lunch with her once a quarter.

omg that's the most depressing line i've ever read.
You make a person and raise them and then they 'make a point to have lunch with you once a quarter' in similar manner to a financial advisor.

Yes, because that person is not your pet. Hopefully, you raised a fully launched adult who has a job, friends, hobbies, probably a partner, maybe children. You don’t want them holding onto your skirt forever.

Mom of an adult son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a choice OP.

You can be living and supportive and pay for their travel to places they can have a true vacation, and you will spend time with them.

Or you can be demanding and entitled and see how often they’re too busy.

Haha, seems like mommy and daddy took someone off the dole. “Supportive”, my behind.

[Anonymous]

If my DH rarely visited or talked to his mom, I would be worried and encourage him to do more. Your kids are learning from their parents - and if they have a dad that doesn't participate in a relationship with his mom, don't be at all surprised if your sons follow suit. It's what they know and their dad will not be the one to encourage them to be different when they are adults.

[Anonymous]

I have four brothers that are all very close to my mom still. Two live in the same city as her and see her at least once a week, and two live a plane ride away and see her one or two times a year and talk to her regularly (at lease once a week). Boys don't have to grow up to ignore their families of origin.

[Anonymous]

It really depends. I know families where the boys are closer to the mothers and the girls move far away and focus on their families. I think it depends on how they were treated growing up, some families prioritize the boys over the girls or vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two sons and completely understand that whomever they marry will likely control access to our sons and grandkids, so we will make it a point to be good in-laws.

Our plan is to move near one when they have kids (and then rent near the other if needed) so we can be helpful. We hope they live somewhere fun/cool/warmish.

This is so sad. Control access? I wouldn’t want to live my life at the mercy of someone else

That’s just the facts. You can bury your head in the sand and never see your kids or grandkids or you can wake up and understand how the world works.

How old are they now? Still young? Are you close to them now? Seems like some of this is predicated on the relationship you have with them going into their marriages?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to have a close relationship with your adult son, you need to live relatively close, be helpful if they have kids, show respect to your DIL, and respect boundaries.
My relationship with my MIL was severely damaged when she decided her needs and wants were more important than anyone else’s. Her desire to be “close” led to unreasonable expectations and guilt trips if we weren’t meeting them. There was no consideration of our time, energy, money, or role as parents. It was all about us needing to fulfill her vision of the grandparent relationship she wanted with our kids. There was very much an attitude of “if you love me, you would do this.” It led to a lot of resentment. I can say that the more you do for your adult child and his family without expectations of something in return, the more likely your adult son will want to have you around. My Dad has always respected our separate life and never judged our decisions. He never complained about not being included. I love him dearly and would do anything for him.

I could have written this. Posting to add that MIL’s constant overbearing presence for the first ~7 years of DS’s life was a significant factor in my divorce. Well that and xH’s complete lack of supporting me and not seeing any problem

Note that the man absolutely need not be a mama’s boy for everything to go off the rails when the MIL is domineering and narcissistic. xH doesn’t even like his mother!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH's mom is in his life still. She's a good MIL in general, and she respects his and my boundaries. That's key-- I know I can trust her to do that at all times.

Same. We live about an our away from MIL and see her sometimes twice a month but other times it goes on for a few months based on schedules/vacations. He makes a point to have lunch with her once a quarter.

omg that's the most depressing line i've ever read.
You make a person and raise them and then they 'make a point to have lunch with you once a quarter' in similar manner to a financial advisor.

Yeah. Yikes. Like a financial report.

I can see how it would be taken that way, but it’s actually quite sweet. As I mentioned, we already see her about every other week, but he puts something on his calendar so he remembers to reach out privately at least every three months. I don’t know many men Who go out of their way to do that with their mothers. He is a high-level executive, coach of our kids teams, has his own friends and hobbies – he has plenty of other things he could be doing, but makes a point to not forget his mother. But for OP it seems like nothing would ever be good enough for her, so maybe she should be worried…

[Anonymous]

Financial support at critical moments can go a long way towards making any DIL amenable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Financial support at critical moments can go a long way towards making any DIL amenable.

Ha!!! We support MIL.

[Anonymous]

Just 9 and 11? May be a little young to start worrying about this lol

[Anonymous]

The fact that you are worried about this when your children are in elementary school suggests you are highly anxious. If you go solve that, your sons are more likely to be close to you as adults.

FWIW — my husband is super close with his parents. Sees them, buys gifts and cards, etc. I barely see my parents. It is because they suck, not because I’m male or female.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two sons and completely understand that whomever they marry will likely control access to our sons and grandkids, so we will make it a point to be good in-laws.

Our plan is to move near one when they have kids (and then rent near the other if needed) so we can be helpful. We hope they live somewhere fun/cool/warmish.

This is so sad. Control access? I wouldn’t want to live my life at the mercy of someone else

That’s just the facts. You can bury your head in the sand and never see your kids or grandkids or you can wake up and understand how the world works.

How old are they now? Still young? Are you close to them now? Seems like some of this is predicated on the relationship you have with them going into their marriages?

Early 20s and reasonably close…but again we don’t have our heads up our asses on this stuff.