Moms with older sons - do you still get to see them often?

[Anonymous]

We have two adult children not married. Never hear from them. When they visit has to be something in it for them. No cards no calls. I just keep going over it in my head. What happened ???

[Anonymous]

My 2 boys are still young men, 23 and 27, neither is married. DS1 lives across the country but we text frequently and talk on the phone 1-2 times/week. He visits 2-3 times/year. DS2 lives nearby and drops by once a week or so, but never texts or calls (this is not new--he wasn't great at communicating even he was in college either).

Some part of this is just personality. My DS1 also texts frequently with my mother, and he was always great about visiting MIL in her assisted living facility.

[Anonymous]

But yet they communicate with the world on social media smh

[Anonymous]

When mothers do most of the childcare, it is far more natural for the DIL's family to have greater access to DS's family than his parents. I get that this is not 100%, but it is the primary set up now, still.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two adult children not married. Never hear from them. When they visit has to be something in it for them. No cards no calls. I just keep going over it in my head. What happened ???

You have to have expectations and let them know before they leave the house. At least that is what I did. After they are gone, it is still OK to bring up the conversation from time to time, let them know you miss them and want to see them. Just express your wish, they can choose to ignore or do something about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two adult children not married. Never hear from them. When they visit has to be something in it for them. No cards no calls. I just keep going over it in my head. What happened ???

You have to have expectations and let them know before they leave the house. At least that is what I did. After they are gone, it is still OK to bring up the conversation from time to time, let them know you miss them and want to see them. Just express your wish, they can choose to ignore or do something about it.

Sorry, what I am trying to say is that it is OK to let them know that you need them too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two adult children not married. Never hear from them. When they visit has to be something in it for them. No cards no calls. I just keep going over it in my head. What happened ???

You have to have expectations and let them know before they leave the house. At least that is what I did. After they are gone, it is still OK to bring up the conversation from time to time, let them know you miss them and want to see them. Just express your wish, they can choose to ignore or do something about it.

Sorry, what I am trying to say is that it is OK to let them know that you need them too.

And I bet your kids complain to their friends or here on DCUM about parental guilt.

No real win, especially with sons and their wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two sons and completely understand that whomever they marry will likely control access to our sons and grandkids, so we will make it a point to be good in-laws.

Our plan is to move near one when they have kids (and then rent near the other if needed) so we can be helpful. We hope they live somewhere fun/cool/warmish.

You sound like you're still on the young side. Do you not have connections to your current city? Will you be completely dependent on your sons and their families for your social life?

Not at all…just don’t have my head up my ass like you.

We can easily make friends wherever we go through adult sports leagues and hobbies.

I wasn't at all trying to be contentious. I was asking only in that we are in a similar situation and I completely agree with you that we are at the mercy of our sons' spouses for how much we are involved. And we too plan to be accommodating and helpful grandparents. We have money to provide support, as well. We will be who they want us to be, in essence. We're just trying to figure out what that looks like, especially since it isn't likely that our DSs will ever live in the same city. So when you said buy a house near one and rent near another, does that in itself cause problems, sort of thing.

It's all just new to us in terms of how to approach since we currently live in our hometown, where all our extended family lives. I don't want to cut off those relationships that mean a lot to me, only to have a DIL feel that we are encroaching on their lives, no matter how hard we try to be agreeable. The other issue that we've thought about is that given their ages, it's a decent possibility that their careers will take them to other cities. So I'd hate to move to some city to live near them, only to have them move some place else.

I'm thinking out loud. But again, I was not being contentious. You are just someone thinking about the same things we are in a way you don't often see on DCUM.

The bolded can cause problems if you end up helping one adult child way more than the other.

[Anonymous]

If your grown children don’t miss seeing you, you probably are the reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH's mom is in his life still. She's a good MIL in general, and she respects his and my boundaries. That's key-- I know I can trust her to do that at all times.

Same. We live about an our away from MIL and see her sometimes twice a month but other times it goes on for a few months based on schedules/vacations. He makes a point to have lunch with her once a quarter.

omg that's the most depressing line i've ever read.
You make a person and raise them and then they 'make a point to have lunch with you once a quarter' in similar manner to a financial advisor.

You need to get therapy and get a life. You are clinging too much and seem to resent the concept of your children fledging. Seriously get therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two adult children not married. Never hear from them. When they visit has to be something in it for them. No cards no calls. I just keep going over it in my head. What happened ???

I remember myself as a young adult. It is very hard to relate to parents at that age. Your best bet is to cajole them into visiting. It might change though - it did for me, when parents became older and my sense of responsibility kicked in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your grown children don’t miss seeing you, you probably are the reason.

I wouldn’t be that harsh. Life is changing quickly nowadays and it is hard to stay up to date, and it’s boring for young adults to hang out with ppl “stuck in the past” as they see it.

[Anonymous]

Our adult son moved out recently.
Very proud of the boundaries he’s established as a result.

He vists is 1-2x a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH's mom is in his life still. She's a good MIL in general, and she respects his and my boundaries. That's key-- I know I can trust her to do that at all times.

Same. We live about an our away from MIL and see her sometimes twice a month but other times it goes on for a few months based on schedules/vacations. He makes a point to have lunch with her once a quarter.

omg that's the most depressing line i've ever read.
You make a person and raise them and then they 'make a point to have lunch with you once a quarter' in similar manner to a financial advisor.

Yes, because that person is not your pet. Hopefully, you raised a fully launched adult who has a job, friends, hobbies, probably a partner, maybe children. You don’t want them holding onto your skirt forever.

Mom of an adult son.

The two choices are not holding onto your skirt and seeing you with cold detachment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two adult children not married. Never hear from them. When they visit has to be something in it for them. No cards no calls. I just keep going over it in my head. What happened ???

I hear you.

The power differential is unfair.
We love them unconditionally, and they know we will always be there. They can take us for granted.