I told my daughter a prom dress looked unflattering on her... mistake or no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t wear pointed toe shoes until I was in my 30s because my petite mom with size 5.5 feet thought pointed toes made my size 8.5 feet look too big.

I mean, they probably did. Pointy toes add a lot of length.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would’ve said something like “the way it’s cut is weird and it’s not as flattering as the blue and black dresses you tried.” Something to soften it. Blame it on the dress in some way and pivot to how she looked good in something else. It’s hard when they are sensitive, but you have to try to keep it positive and sugarcoat things a bit.

Pfft.
I simply say, "no, it doesn't work" and move on to the next outfit. If it's something she really likes, we try to find a way to make it work.

She came back from prom with one of the rhinestones missing from my blahnik.
The previous year she came back with my shoes completely snapped in half.
Grrr.
(It's Ok, I went to some trimming stores, got another crystal and epoxied a hoop on it and replaced the missing rhinestone.)

Thanks for this totally irrelevant story. So glad your shoes were okay in the end

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unflattering is fine. My mom said things like "you look like a 2 ton baker". Don't say that.

Don't say either one.

I'm sorry your mom said things like that to you.

[Anonymous]

I think Deborah Tannen's book has some good advice on mothers commenting on daughters' appearances. Basically tread very carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't say that directly. At most maybe something like, "Hmm, I'm not sure about that color."

Op is a narcissist. I'm sure her daughter looked fine even beautiful and op's ego couldn't handle it so she said something she knew would upset her daughter.

Even in her post she's more concerned with herself than her daughter.

Speaks of her daughter like an adversary.
I'm sure op sabotages her daughter all the time.

There is QUITE a bit of projection in this post. Holy Moly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would’ve said something like “the way it’s cut is weird and it’s not as flattering as the blue and black dresses you tried.” Something to soften it. Blame it on the dress in some way and pivot to how she looked good in something else. It’s hard when they are sensitive, but you have to try to keep it positive and sugarcoat things a bit.

Yes, this exactly. It's like the compliment sandwich! "Wow, you are gorgeous. I'm not sure about this color, though. Are you ready to try the emerald green one? I'll bet that will be amazing."

[Anonymous]

My daughter would take pictures of herself in the dresses she liked best and would send them to her friends. So, my opinion definitely wasn't the only one she was listening to! That said -- they always take their mother's opinion really harshly. I know I did when I was a teen!

[Anonymous]

I suspect if OP's mom said that to her she would also be offended. But it doesn't matter. Perhaps OP is fine with other people saying blunt things to her. It's certainly not the norm and what she said was rude. There are countless nicer ways to steer someone away from a dress. Just apologize and try to learn from this. Do you really want this to be how your relationship with your daughter goes? You want to dictate that you can say anything you want in the name of honesty and she should accept it without getting offended? If so, chances are she will distance herself from you as an adult because you're not pleasant company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's not very kind. You can't take that back

I don’t understand what OP did wrong. She said the dress was unflattering. That’s a criticism of the dress, not her dd. We’ve all seen a dress that looked great on the hanger, but once we put it on, we realized the proportions were off or the cut was all wrong on us or it didn’t drape the way we thought it would or the color washes us out or the sleeves are weird, etc. Why is it unkind to admit that it’s not as flattering as the other choices?

I’m this poster. I actually talked to my 17 year old dd about this post. She said that to teenage girls, the phrase, “that isn’t flattering,” is code for “you look fat in that.” I told her I would never say she looked fat in something, even if, hypothetically, she did (dd isn’t overweight). If I say it’s not flattering, I mean the color, the cut or some odd detail on the dress, and dd told me that if that’s what I mean, I need to mention those things specifically, because all a teenage girl hears when you say something is not flattering is that they look fat. She also said that OP’s comment may have come at a particularly inopportune time because something else that OP didn’t even know about may have just happened that had chipped away at her dd’s self esteem, making her dd particularly vulnerable in that moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you said: NBD

The way you said it: I don’t know.

I think her DD is a bit too sensitive.

My 16 yr old DD has a flat chest. I tell her when the dress doesn't fit right b/c of it.

Better to hear it from mom than have peers snickering behind her back.

Is it better? I actually don't think it is.

This was the approach my mom took a lot when I was growing up. But:

(1) I think a lot of time she imagined that my peers would have negative reactions to something I wore because she had absolutely no idea what teen girls in the 80s/90s actually liked or wore. Her style was firmly stuck in the early 60s and she wanted me to wear twinsets and midi skirts. She was imagining that my peers would say mean things about me if I showed up to school in ripped jeans or a baby tee layered under a slip dress because those things looked insane to her. It's also how fashionable kids dressed at the time.

(2) Having my mom repeatedly tell me that my clothes were bad and that I looked bad in them had a very negative longterm impact on my self esteem. Even now, decades later, I often second guess what I'm wearing and struggle to follow my instincts as to what looks good. It drive my DH nuts, actually. I'm alway asking him "does this look stupid? do I look ridiculous?" because I was conditioned through my entire adolescence to always be worried that someone, somewhere might think my outfit was bad. I really wish I could just look in the mirror and think "I'm happy, that's what matters." It's incredibly hard.

I honestly think it would be better for my own DD to find out some peers "snickered" about her outfit behind her back than to hear her mother trying to prevent this by nitpicking her clothes all the time. Who cares what some judgmental b's think and why should we cater to them?

Sure, you can say that now because you are an adult, but a teen girl does care.

When I was a teen, I saw some girls making mean comments to another girl about what she was wearing. I stood up for that girl. I hate bullies. I know how mean teen girls can be, and I don't my DD to be the recipient of those mean comments.

So you protect her by... sharing those girls' opinions of her clothes? Which you are imagining?

What if you stuck up for your daughter the way you stuck up for that girl back when you were a teen? Or did you stick up for her by pulling her aside and saying "you know they are right, though -- you DO look bad in short skirts, you should wear jeans and then those girls, who are terrible but also make excellent points about fashion, won't pick on you anymore. this is really on you." ??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's not very kind. You can't take that back

I don’t understand what OP did wrong. She said the dress was unflattering. That’s a criticism of the dress, not her dd. We’ve all seen a dress that looked great on the hanger, but once we put it on, we realized the proportions were off or the cut was all wrong on us or it didn’t drape the way we thought it would or the color washes us out or the sleeves are weird, etc. Why is it unkind to admit that it’s not as flattering as the other choices?

I’m this poster. I actually talked to my 17 year old dd about this post. She said that to teenage girls, the phrase, “that isn’t flattering,” is code for “you look fat in that.” I told her I would never say she looked fat in something, even if, hypothetically, she did (dd isn’t overweight). If I say it’s not flattering, I mean the color, the cut or some odd detail on the dress, and dd told me that if that’s what I mean, I need to mention those things specifically, because all a teenage girl hears when you say something is not flattering is that they look fat. She also said that OP’s comment may have come at a particularly inopportune time because something else that OP didn’t even know about may have just happened that had chipped away at her dd’s self esteem, making her dd particularly vulnerable in that moment.

Your DD makes great points!

I think the biggest thing I'm taking from this thread is that when moms critique their DD's fashion, it has the effect of magnifying the importance of clothes and looking good. I also think a lot of moms don't realize that girls' value their opinions on how they look WAY more than they may let on -- if teenage girls are reacting this strongly to their mom criticizing their looks, that indicates that their mom's approval is actually incredibly important.

Maybe that is something more moms should think about. Consider that your daughter on some level really wants your approval and to please you, which might help you change the way you offer criticism. If you are aware of that, it might help you bite your tongue about certain things that maybe don't actually matter that much, or help you soften some criticism you think it's important for her to hear so that she hears the important part and doesn't just conclude you think she's ugly.

I also want to throw in that dad's opinions matter to teenage girls too and that a dad telling his daughter that she looks great can have a profound effect on her self esteem. And most dads don't actually care about "fashion." I say this as a reminder that when you comment on your kid's appearance, they are bound to take it as a referendum on them as people even if you don't mean it that way. It takes a lot of maturity to separate how you look from where you are, and most teens aren't there yet. They just want (and need) to hear: you look great, you are great, I love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can always find a positive way:

“I love the skirt, but I think the green one is the perfect color for you.”

“You look beautiful, but I’m still thinking the blue one is the front runner.”

“I like it, but I’m still loving the red one.”

This. Or just, I don't love this dress. Not it is unflattering on you -- which means you look bad in it. I'd never say that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you said: NBD

The way you said it: I don’t know.

Agree. But, assuming you said it in a reasonable way, I will add that kids are sensitive. Lots of people are sensitive. I still think it's better to say the truth. I also tell my son that he smells and needs to put on deodorant.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to be mean to get your point across.

I like the a-line better on you.

I think the black with the sweetheart neckline frames your face better than this dress.

The red fit perfectly whereas this one will need alterations for the best fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are boys but they know I will always tell them the truth and will never send them outside looking crazy

+1 My boys will always ask me to look at something they’re trying on and I always tell them if something is unflattering. If it’s pants I have them turn all the way around. They’re in college and over Xmas break, I had to run to the bathroom and my 19yo waited until I returned to try stuff on so he could get a second opinion.