I told my daughter a prom dress looked unflattering on her... mistake or no?

[Anonymous]

You have to be careful when offering criticisms to teenage girls. Often, their self esteem can be very fragile.

You don't have to nod or smile the entire time, but think what a good shop keeper might do - you flatter while gently guiding. You offer suggestions and ask questions. So something like, hmm, it's ok, but I do like the blue one much better. Or even and hmm, I don't know, there's something not as fun about that one, maybe? Or, what do you think? This one isn't speaking to me as much.

(that said, sometimes the shopkeeper/salesperson can get away with a more direct approach - it's easier hearing from someone you know is speaking objectively).

It's not the kid, or her body, it's the dress. Saying something isn't flattering is perhaps about the dress and not the body, but it's still a little too direct. Offering something besides it's not flattering might hve helped - even saying sometimes dresses are great on the hanger but they just don't hang the way you want them to - this one just isn't working as well as the one before.

Or offering some positive - that open neckline on the first relaly framed your face - maybe we should look at ones more like that?

Only you know your relatonship with your daughter and how she responds. It sounds like she wanted kinder and gentler from you.

[Anonymous]

troll. It is January.

[Anonymous]

You can always find a positive way:

“I love the skirt, but I think the green one is the perfect color for you.”

“You look beautiful, but I’m still thinking the blue one is the front runner.”

“I like it, but I’m still loving the red one.”

[Anonymous]

My daughter makes a point of wanting real feedback on things like dresses so I try to give it but I’m very careful.

I only talk abt the dress rather than her (“the straps seem to be too xyz”) and also follow up with something self deprecating with a “but you know I’m an old lady so what do I know” vibe, like or “but I’m sure you have know what’s best ” “I know grandma didn’t have a good handle on teen style when I was your age” etc.

This seems to work well. In your case I would apologize but not make a big deal. And make sure the apology implies what you said came out wrong not you are sorry you let the cat out of the bag that she looks bad in dresses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you said: NBD

The way you said it: I don’t know.

I think her DD is a bit too sensitive.

My 16 yr old DD has a flat chest. I tell her when the dress doesn't fit right b/c of it.

Better to hear it from mom than have peers snickering behind her back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't say that directly. At most maybe something like, "Hmm, I'm not sure about that color."

Op is a narcissist. I'm sure her daughter looked fine even beautiful and op's ego couldn't handle it so she said something she knew would upset her daughter.

Even in her post she's more concerned with herself than her daughter.

Speaks of her daughter like an adversary.
I'm sure op sabotages her daughter all the time.

Sometimes people just look bad in a certain type of dress. It’s not as deep as you’re making it out to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't say that directly. At most maybe something like, "Hmm, I'm not sure about that color."

Op is a narcissist. I'm sure her daughter looked fine even beautiful and op's ego couldn't handle it so she said something she knew would upset her daughter.

Even in her post she's more concerned with herself than her daughter.

Speaks of her daughter like an adversary.
I'm sure op sabotages her daughter all the time.

Sometimes people just look bad in a certain type of dress. It’s not as deep as you’re making it out to be.

And sometimes people are narcissists like OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can always find a positive way:

“I love the skirt, but I think the green one is the perfect color for you.”

“You look beautiful, but I’m still thinking the blue one is the front runner.”

“I like it, but I’m still loving the red one.”

Color? No. My daughter and I love fashion and since she gets constant compliments on her clothing she’s ok with me picking out her clothes. We’ve discussed what’s flattering on her based on her size. She is small and flat chested. I explain which styles looks good on tall girls vs short girls. If it’s too low cut or whatever.

The OP didn’t say but it’s best to talk about why there might be an issue with how the dress fits and don’t use the word “unflattering “. I noticed when teens make a mistake it’s usually too tight. A size up would make a huge difference for the better.

[Anonymous]

Blame the clothes, not the wearer.

It’s not that it’s too tight/small, it’s that it’s cut weird or the sizing is off. It’s not that they look hideous in green, it’s that the green clashes with their hair or skin tone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you said: NBD

The way you said it: I don’t know.

I think her DD is a bit too sensitive.

My 16 yr old DD has a flat chest. I tell her when the dress doesn't fit right b/c of it.

Better to hear it from mom than have peers snickering behind her back.

Is it better? I actually don't think it is.

This was the approach my mom took a lot when I was growing up. But:

(1) I think a lot of time she imagined that my peers would have negative reactions to something I wore because she had absolutely no idea what teen girls in the 80s/90s actually liked or wore. Her style was firmly stuck in the early 60s and she wanted me to wear twinsets and midi skirts. She was imagining that my peers would say mean things about me if I showed up to school in ripped jeans or a baby tee layered under a slip dress because those things looked insane to her. It's also how fashionable kids dressed at the time.

(2) Having my mom repeatedly tell me that my clothes were bad and that I looked bad in them had a very negative longterm impact on my self esteem. Even now, decades later, I often second guess what I'm wearing and struggle to follow my instincts as to what looks good. It drive my DH nuts, actually. I'm alway asking him "does this look stupid? do I look ridiculous?" because I was conditioned through my entire adolescence to always be worried that someone, somewhere might think my outfit was bad. I really wish I could just look in the mirror and think "I'm happy, that's what matters." It's incredibly hard.

I honestly think it would be better for my own DD to find out some peers "snickered" about her outfit behind her back than to hear her mother trying to prevent this by nitpicking her clothes all the time. Who cares what some judgmental b's think and why should we cater to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't say that directly. At most maybe something like, "Hmm, I'm not sure about that color."

Op is a narcissist. I'm sure her daughter looked fine even beautiful and op's ego couldn't handle it so she said something she knew would upset her daughter.

Even in her post she's more concerned with herself than her daughter.

Speaks of her daughter like an adversary.
I'm sure op sabotages her daughter all the time.

Sometimes people just look bad in a certain type of dress. It’s not as deep as you’re making it out to be.

And sometimes people are narcissists like OP

What is your problem? Go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you said: NBD

The way you said it: I don’t know.

I think her DD is a bit too sensitive.

My 16 yr old DD has a flat chest. I tell her when the dress doesn't fit right b/c of it.

Better to hear it from mom than have peers snickering behind her back.

Is it better? I actually don't think it is.

This was the approach my mom took a lot when I was growing up. But:

(1) I think a lot of time she imagined that my peers would have negative reactions to something I wore because she had absolutely no idea what teen girls in the 80s/90s actually liked or wore. Her style was firmly stuck in the early 60s and she wanted me to wear twinsets and midi skirts. She was imagining that my peers would say mean things about me if I showed up to school in ripped jeans or a baby tee layered under a slip dress because those things looked insane to her. It's also how fashionable kids dressed at the time.

(2) Having my mom repeatedly tell me that my clothes were bad and that I looked bad in them had a very negative longterm impact on my self esteem. Even now, decades later, I often second guess what I'm wearing and struggle to follow my instincts as to what looks good. It drive my DH nuts, actually. I'm alway asking him "does this look stupid? do I look ridiculous?" because I was conditioned through my entire adolescence to always be worried that someone, somewhere might think my outfit was bad. I really wish I could just look in the mirror and think "I'm happy, that's what matters." It's incredibly hard.

I honestly think it would be better for my own DD to find out some peers "snickered" about her outfit behind her back than to hear her mother trying to prevent this by nitpicking her clothes all the time. Who cares what some judgmental b's think and why should we cater to them?

Sure, you can say that now because you are an adult, but a teen girl does care.

When I was a teen, I saw some girls making mean comments to another girl about what she was wearing. I stood up for that girl. I hate bullies. I know how mean teen girls can be, and I don't my DD to be the recipient of those mean comments.

[Anonymous]

I think you should have been a mind reader that if she cared to ask your opinion, that was probably the dress she liked. Live and learn.

[Anonymous]

I mean I probably would have been more specific “I don’t think that’s your best color, the previous red/blue dress really made you glow, this one not so much” or “that cut makes you look like you have smaller boobs than you actually do, I liked the last one way better on you” rather than something so open ended she might be guessing “you look fat in that” which isn’t what you meant I’m sure.

But she did ask, so she can’t be upset you didn’t lie - just be sensitive in how you say it

[Anonymous]

My kids are boys but they know I will always tell them the truth and will never send them outside looking crazy