I told my daughter a prom dress looked unflattering on her... mistake or no?

[Anonymous]

OP you clearly triggered a lot of people that have complicated relationships with their mother.

I don’t think you’re a narcissist (WTF). Your daughter took you for the purpose of you giving an opinion and helping her pick something that great on her.

However, I would have found different words than “unflattering.” Instead maybe being specific and factual about it (it bunches under the ribs and shouldn’t, the material doesn’t drape well, it gapes in the chest, etc.) would have went over better and felt less personal to her.

What’s done is done. You didn’t do anything terrible, but what matters is how she is feeling. Talk to her about it and apologize, tell her she is beautiful and you used the wrong words. You realize she is hurt and you’re sorry and love her. Then move on, she will too when she is ready. Let her give you the cold shoulder if she wants to, it’s her coping.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Apologize immediately. What is wrong with you.

[Anonymous]

Id be mad at you too if you were my mom. I think you know what you said was not polite and now you are trying to blame her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you said: NBD

The way you said it: I don’t know.

I think her DD is a bit too sensitive.

My 16 yr old DD has a flat chest. I tell her when the dress doesn't fit right b/c of it.

Better to hear it from mom than have peers snickering behind her back.

Is it better? I actually don't think it is.

This was the approach my mom took a lot when I was growing up. But:

(1) I think a lot of time she imagined that my peers would have negative reactions to something I wore because she had absolutely no idea what teen girls in the 80s/90s actually liked or wore. Her style was firmly stuck in the early 60s and she wanted me to wear twinsets and midi skirts. She was imagining that my peers would say mean things about me if I showed up to school in ripped jeans or a baby tee layered under a slip dress because those things looked insane to her. It's also how fashionable kids dressed at the time.

(2) Having my mom repeatedly tell me that my clothes were bad and that I looked bad in them had a very negative longterm impact on my self esteem. Even now, decades later, I often second guess what I'm wearing and struggle to follow my instincts as to what looks good. It drive my DH nuts, actually. I'm alway asking him "does this look stupid? do I look ridiculous?" because I was conditioned through my entire adolescence to always be worried that someone, somewhere might think my outfit was bad. I really wish I could just look in the mirror and think "I'm happy, that's what matters." It's incredibly hard.

I honestly think it would be better for my own DD to find out some peers "snickered" about her outfit behind her back than to hear her mother trying to prevent this by nitpicking her clothes all the time. Who cares what some judgmental b's think and why should we cater to them?

The early 90s were a hot mess for everyone involved. The 60s had classic lines and great but flat hair. It must’ve been traumatic for a 60s woman to have a 90s kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of trolling is this? No one is trying on prom dresses in January.

This is a great time of year to snag a sale rack dress from last season. Ross has some prom dresses. Sequined types for under $50

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to be careful when offering criticisms to teenage girls. Often, their self esteem can be very fragile.

You don't have to nod or smile the entire time, but think what a good shop keeper might do - you flatter while gently guiding. You offer suggestions and ask questions. So something like, hmm, it's ok, but I do like the blue one much better. Or even and hmm, I don't know, there's something not as fun about that one, maybe? Or, what do you think? This one isn't speaking to me as much.

(that said, sometimes the shopkeeper/salesperson can get away with a more direct approach - it's easier hearing from someone you know is speaking objectively).

It's not the kid, or her body, it's the dress. Saying something isn't flattering is perhaps about the dress and not the body, but it's still a little too direct. Offering something besides it's not flattering might hve helped - even saying sometimes dresses are great on the hanger but they just don't hang the way you want them to - this one just isn't working as well as the one before.

Or offering some positive - that open neckline on the first relaly framed your face - maybe we should look at ones more like that?

Only you know your relatonship with your daughter and how she responds. It sounds like she wanted kinder and gentler from you.

This. You say the “dress is unflattering” and she hears “you are too ugly for the dress” or thinks “my mother is always negative”. Teens is when you turn on your social skills especially where it comes to body image.

[Anonymous]

Instead of commenting, take a picture of her in the front runner dresses. If it isn’t flattering she will see by the picture. Mirrors lie. My mom constantly told me things weren’t flattering on me so I stopped listening. She told me my wedding dress wasn’t flattering and why and I honestly didn’t see it until I got my wedding pictures back.

[Anonymous]

Wtf do you look like OP?

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand these posters. My family is all honest with eachother and we are all direct. I have a son, daughter and husband and all of us will give each other honest opinions if asked. We all have thick skin and will ignore the opinion if we disagree and think we look good, despite what our family members think. You need to be honest with your teens. OP didn’t say anything cruel.

[Anonymous]

Troll post with sock puppets. Come on, people.

[Anonymous]

I am really not getting how saying something isn’t the most flattering is somehow wrong or hurtful. I would definitely tell my daughter and I also appreciate people being honest with me. Now I’d try to phrase it like “this one isn’t as amazing or flattering as the others”. Op didn’t c body shame her daughter for goodness sake - saying a dress isn’t flattering! As long as it was as simple as that.

[Anonymous]

My mom said stuff like that to me. It hurt my self esteem for a long time and took a lot of therapy to get over it. As an adult I get that some things are flattering on me and other things are not, but it really did a number of me at the time.

Next time ask her what she thinks before you answer if she likes it agree but then later say you like another (more flattering) dress more because you think it is a better color.

[Anonymous]

Let her wear the red dress on her overweight frame and yell "Hey Koolaid" as she's walking out the door!

[Anonymous]

I would steer my teen away from something that didn't look good because there are plenty of options that would look good. I'd be tactful, and try to steer her toward better options. Her kid might be more sensitive than mine.

[Anonymous]

There are much more sensitive ways to say that, OP.

"That color is so beautiful on you - I wonder if the dress you liked earlier comes in that shade of blue?"

"Those sleeves might get a little uncomfortable on the dance floor, what about something similar that's strapless?"

"You look beautiful in anything, but my personal favorite is that gorgeous black dress you tried on first. Wow!"