Reply to I told my daughter a prom dress looked unflattering on her... mistake or no?

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Reply to "I told my daughter a prom dress looked unflattering on her... mistake or no?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]That's not very kind.  You can't take that back[/quote]
I don’t understand what OP did wrong. She said the dress was unflattering. That’s a criticism of the dress, not her dd. We’ve all seen a dress that looked great on the hanger, but once we put it on, we realized the proportions were off or the cut was all wrong on us or it didn’t drape the way we thought it would or the color washes us out or the sleeves are weird, etc. Why is it unkind to admit that it’s not as flattering as the other choices?[/quote]
I’m this poster. I actually talked to my 17 year old dd about this post. She said that to teenage girls, the phrase, “that isn’t flattering,” is code for “you look fat in that.” I told her I would never say she looked fat in something, even if, hypothetically, she did (dd isn’t overweight). If I say it’s not flattering, I mean the color, the cut or some odd detail on the dress, and dd told me that if that’s what I mean, I need to mention those things specifically, because all a teenage girl hears when you say something is not flattering is that they look fat. She also said that OP’s comment may have come at a particularly inopportune time because something else that OP didn’t even know about may have just happened that had chipped away at her dd’s self esteem, making her dd particularly vulnerable in that moment.[/quote]

Your DD makes great points!

I think the biggest thing I'm taking from this thread is that when moms critique their DD's fashion, it has the effect of magnifying the importance of clothes and looking good. I also think a lot of moms don't realize that girls' value their opinions on how they look WAY more than they may let on -- if teenage girls are reacting this strongly to their mom criticizing their looks, that indicates that their mom's approval is actually incredibly important.

Maybe that is something more moms should think about. Consider that your daughter on some level really wants your approval and to please you, which might help you change the way you offer criticism. If you are aware of that, it might help you bite your tongue about certain things that maybe don't actually matter that much, or help you soften some criticism you think it's important for her to hear so that she hears the important part and doesn't just conclude you think she's ugly.

I also want to throw in that dad's opinions matter to teenage girls too and that a dad telling his daughter that she looks great can have a profound effect on her self esteem. And most dads don't actually care about "fashion." I say this as a reminder that when you comment on your kid's appearance, they are bound to take it as a referendum on them as people even if you don't mean it that way. It takes a lot of maturity to separate how you look from where you are, and most teens aren't there yet. They just want (and need) to hear: you look great, you are great, I love you.[/quote]

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