What are the tell-tale signs of a good guy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People can change overnight and there is no way of telling which one you believed to be very nice will, once married, turn into something else. It's always taking a chance.

I guess it's possible, but pretty unlikely unless there's a brain tumor or something of that sort. Best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Takes interest in your friends and family. My husband would remember little details my friends mentioned, "Didn't Jenny have a job interview this week?" or "Did Joe's move go okay?" He really listened.

Good tipper. Nice to people he casually encounters - cab drivers, delivery people, waiters/waitresses.

Doesn't make racist or homophobic remarks. Shocking how many guys I dated would make comments about the mentally impaired, black people or gay people, thinking I'd find it hilarious. WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea if my husband sits or stands when he pees. We go to the bathroom in private.

That's just weird -- you've never seen your husband go to the bathroom?? Really?

Why is that weird?

What reason would I have to have seen him using the bathroom? We do have doors.

I meant to ask him if he sits or stands last night but I forgot.

I don't think it's weird. We're private about bathroom use, too. No clue if he sits or stands. I just appreciate that he doesn't make a mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People can change overnight and there is no way of telling which one you believed to be very nice will, once married, turn into something else. It's always taking a chance.

I guess it's possible, but pretty unlikely unless there's a brain tumor or something of that sort. Best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

I have a friend whose wife pretended to be interested in all the things he liked and once that ring was on her finger, everything changed and the real person came through. He was miserable for three years before deciding to get out. Men can do the same thing.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for all the great tips and watch outs. Can I just ask another secondary question about your good guy? Is he good looking too? Is it too much to hope for both? I don't need (or want) Brad Pitt. I'd take a guy whose looks became more endearing over time once his personality shone through. Too good looking makes me nervous anyway... especially if he shows signs of being vain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't sit down. Every time do that-it-drops in the water.

Mr. Ed, is that you? Get back in the stable and off the laptop.

OMG, laughing so hard I need to pee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all the great tips and watch outs. Can I just ask another secondary question about your good guy? Is he good looking too? Is it too much to hope for both? I don't need (or want) Brad Pitt. I'd take a guy whose looks became more endearing over time once his personality shone through. Too good looking makes me nervous anyway... especially if he shows signs of being vain.

How about instead of good looking - physical chemistry exists....same kind of thing, but more flexibility exists there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How careful is he with money--does he pay bills on time? Does he live within his means? Is he wisely generous? Has he saved for retirement?

Money is huge source of tension within many marriages. Be sure you don't end up with someone who is careless or too stingy.

Good advice! I knew my husband was a good guy when I found myself telling him about a difficult situation in my family of origin life early on the relationship. I never trusted previous boyfriends with that information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good tipper.

Never parks in fire lane or worse, handicapped spot even to run into the cleaners.

Sits to use bathroom. Doesn't tinkle on seat.

Calls mom. But not too much.

Donates to charity/alma mater

Doesn't spend too much on his own clothes or care too much about his own appearance

Buys girl scout cookies

Holds door for strangers/gives up seat on metro

I believe my husband has jumped on, in order to describe himself! (Hello, dear.)

Seriously, point for point. I've always found the sitting to pee thing especially endearing.

Sounds exactly like my husband too. Except for the sitting down peeing thing. I knew that DH was the one by observing how he treated older women. By this I mean women in their 70's and older. Hopefully he won't trade me in for a younger model when I get to their age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all the great tips and watch outs. Can I just ask another secondary question about your good guy? Is he good looking too? Is it too much to hope for both? I don't need (or want) Brad Pitt. I'd take a guy whose looks became more endearing over time once his personality shone through. Too good looking makes me nervous anyway... especially if he shows signs of being vain.

How about instead of good looking - physical chemistry exists....same kind of thing, but more flexibility exists there.

I agree. Chemistry is what's most important!

I think the other thing about "good looking" is that we all have different ideas about that and "types" that we're attracted to. Focus on how you feel -- are you attracted to him -- rather than what anyone else thinks.

Here's an example -- a friend of mine was always really unhappy with the guys she dated. She never went for the cute boy next door type -- she always held out for the kind of guy that everyone else in the room would think is very hot. Unfortunately, the guys all sucked. Not necessarily because they were hot, but because she was was picking only based on looks and wasn't screening out the bad personalities. Fast forward a few years, and she's now happily married to a cute guy. He's not an "everyone else in the room thinks he's super hot" kind of guy, but he's cute and she's definitely attracted to him. PLUS he has a great personality and kills himself to make her happy. Happy ending!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How careful is he with money--does he pay bills on time? Does he live within his means? Is he wisely generous? Has he saved for retirement?

Money is huge source of tension within many marriages. Be sure you don't end up with someone who is careless or too stingy.

Right - this is what i was thinking too. I think my husband errs on the stingy side, but better than erring on the frivolous side.

[Anonymous]

So I have to wonder, considering this is the type of person I seem to always be on almost all counts (I don't eats sweets so no girl scout cookies, I would rather volunteer, and I stand to pee because I pay attention to what I am doing) this describes me to the tee. But no one seems to want the good guy. They seem to want the guy that has staunch imperfections because they NEVER trust it. They and their friends always say, "too good to be true." It is great to know what a good guy it, but how do you tell which girl actually wants a good guy? This trial and error stuff seems to be mostly in error.

[Anonymous]

Echoing what others have said, here are some of the things I failed to recognize in my now-ex.

He should like children and pets.
He should have had the stamina to finish college.
He should pay his bills on time and live within his means, not bounce checks.
He should not flirt in front of you.
He should love his mother and want to spend time with her (but not TOO much).
He should not be a big drinker.
If he's ever been arrested for anything, including DUI, run.
If he ever breaks up with you, do not go back to him.
If he is into porn - even the mild stuff, i.e. Playboy - probably a bad sign.
If he still lives with his mother at age 20+, not good.

[Anonymous]

35, male, married, overweight, balding, likes Barbra Streisand.

OP, as you get older, the number of guys your age who are single, sane, straight, and somewhat solvent will decline -- and then they start getting pickier.

If you're over 35, you'll have to make some concessions, such as accepting guys who're 5'8", balding, etc. Or, be prepared to be single and actually accept it (instead of being that snarky single friend that 90% of your friends' husbands can't stand and 10% want to bone.)

1:51, you write like a Nice Guy. Never a good thing. Unless you're in the top 10% of looks, top 5% of income, etc., women will sense your frustration and RUN. Because, more often than not, most Nice Guys boil down to, "I do X, Y, and Z. Now ride my cock, because I'm a Nice Guy." Or they'll sniff around some girl way out of their league in the hope that Some Day, she will see him for the Knight that he is. In the meantime, she treats his as "one of the girls."

It's easier to stay clean when I stand up, because I can see where the pee is going and wipe it up if the first splash hits the rim or something. When I sit down, I have to pay extra attention to where I'm aiming. That, and scraping the bottom of the toilet bowl sucks.

I will disagree with 15:18, some folks with money problems simply don't care, forget to pay bills, etc. They won't talk about money either.

13:34, you mention your office transferring you to Europe. Unless *his* office is transferring him to Europe, you'd be asking him to uproot his entire life. It'd be better if he (1) has been in the DC area for less than a year or two, (2) is making 20% of your combined incomes, and/or (3) has been dating you for more than a year. As it stands, you're not asking for flexible, you're asking for submissive -- not that there's anything wrong with it.

Agreed with PP's about strip clubs and excessive guys nights. The Maxim lifestyle stops being unattractive from a long-term mate perspective somewhere around 22-23. In return, hopefully you don't turn into a braying jackass on girls nights or hang too much with Sex in the City wannabees or married girls who still wanna be single.

[Anonymous]

8:02 again.

8:01, Playboy being bad? Really?

Also -- getting arrested for DUI at 22 shouldn't be a deal killer by age 35. People tend to become more mature (and thus better mates) as they age. Or at least they're likely to.

[Anonymous]

I never had a problem with Playboy - liked to read it myself, actually. But as we got older, had kids, etc. I found that my ex spouse - who is very immature - never accepted that that is not REAL life. He still wanted sex all the time. It still had to be film-worthy (Could we PLEASE just have a quickie once in a while???). I still had to be physically perfect, like those eternally 19 year olds. It led to disappointment and frustration for him. I can't be 20 forever, sorry. I can't be a nympho when I haven't slept in two years. I can't have those same boobs after BF his two kids.

For the record I still look pretty darn good - for 40 years old. But it wasn't good enough for my Hugh Hefner. The irony is now the kids are older, I am getting myself back - and he resents that I look good again.

It was just part of the package of his unrealistic, over sexed nature. And his inability to distinguish the fantasy from the reality.