I’m exhausted with my fiancé

[Anonymous]

I think you should have the baby and then leave him. Usually children are better off with both biological parents but not with this loser.

[Anonymous]

How old are
How far along are you
Can you support a child on your own
Because that is 100% where this is headed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all of the responses, they've been very helpful. To answer some questions: I'm almost 6 months, so probably too late for an abortion. He *very* much wanted/wants the baby even though it was a surprise.

I spoke with him about it and told him it was unacceptable how he reacted and how unhappy I've been feeling, that it feels like I'm walking on eggshells and it's unsustainable. He cried at the idea of me leaving and apologized that he overreacted, and said that he would be better.

Then this morning he got extremely upset because it’s been maybe 4-5 days since we had sex, and he was shouting about it and saying how he couldnt live this way. So yes, it’s a theme that he gets very upset and emotional and kind of unable to self regulate, which I really hate. I’m not sure what to do because I do feel very stuck with my current physical condition. I love that he's emotional and vulnerable at times but then other times I feel completely stretched to my limit and almost traumatized because it feels like it's *always* something

PP from above here. "He gets very emotional and kind of unable to self-regulate." Your words. OP, you need to cancel any wedding plans and tell him that unless he gets serious treatment for whatever mental issue he has, anxiety or dysregulation or past trauma or what the hell ever his issue is-- you will leave him. Make it an ultimatum. He will get furious about that but you need to be ready for his anger. Get names of doctors lined up, take him to the appointments so he won't back out or lie about going. You have three months to get him into serious treatment. Clock is ticking.

The childish tantrum over not having sex with a six months pregnant woman is truly horrible. Please recognize how bad that is. He'll be pestering you and crying for sex right after you've given birth. This is a truly bad situation, OP, and you need to stop accepting apologies and claims he'll "be better." He's a time bomb who will be, frankly, a terrible spouse and father, and though he wants the baby now -- will he resent baby once he thinks you "pay too much attention to the baby and not enough to me"??

+1 million to all of this. I let my then-fiance's clear anger issues slide and 23 years later not only am I still dealing with it, so are our two children. This is the most leverage you will ever have to insist that he address this. Please confide in a friend, sibling, parent, or therapist to help you stick to your guns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all of the responses, they've been very helpful. To answer some questions: I'm almost 6 months, so probably too late for an abortion. He *very* much wanted/wants the baby even though it was a surprise.

I spoke with him about it and told him it was unacceptable how he reacted and how unhappy I've been feeling, that it feels like I'm walking on eggshells and it's unsustainable. He cried at the idea of me leaving and apologized that he overreacted, and said that he would be better.

Then this morning he got extremely upset because it’s been maybe 4-5 days since we had sex, and he was shouting about it and saying how he couldnt live this way. So yes, it’s a theme that he gets very upset and emotional and kind of unable to self regulate, which I really hate. I’m not sure what to do because I do feel very stuck with my current physical condition. I love that he's emotional and vulnerable at times but then other times I feel completely stretched to my limit and almost traumatized because it feels like it's *always* something

Do YOU want this baby, with this person? Do you want to be saddled with him for 18 years? It sounds to me like you married (are you even married?) an abusive narcissist who love bombed and maybe also baby trapped you.

I would seek to exit this relationship at all costs including aborting. There are states where this is legal through 6 months, and a lifelong bond to someone who sounds like he is on the path to domestic violence is an excellent reason for a second trimester termination.

It is very typical for these men to only show their true colors during pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all of the responses, they've been very helpful. To answer some questions: I'm almost 6 months, so probably too late for an abortion. He *very* much wanted/wants the baby even though it was a surprise.

I spoke with him about it and told him it was unacceptable how he reacted and how unhappy I've been feeling, that it feels like I'm walking on eggshells and it's unsustainable. He cried at the idea of me leaving and apologized that he overreacted, and said that he would be better.

Then this morning he got extremely upset because it’s been maybe 4-5 days since we had sex, and he was shouting about it and saying how he couldnt live this way. So yes, it’s a theme that he gets very upset and emotional and kind of unable to self regulate, which I really hate. I’m not sure what to do because I do feel very stuck with my current physical condition. I love that he's emotional and vulnerable at times but then other times I feel completely stretched to my limit and almost traumatized because it feels like it's *always* something

Do YOU want this baby, with this person? Do you want to be saddled with him for 18 years? It sounds to me like you married (are you even married?) an abusive narcissist who love bombed and maybe also baby trapped you.

I would seek to exit this relationship at all costs including aborting. There are states where this is legal through 6 months, and a lifelong bond to someone who sounds like he is on the path to domestic violence is an excellent reason for a second trimester termination.

It is very typical for these men to only show their true colors during pregnancy.

Just because there are states with no gestational limit on abortion (that's the term for what you're calling "legal through six months") -- that does not mean that, even if OP traveled to one of those states, she could find any doctor willing to give her an abortion. Short of serious fetal abnormality or risk to the mother's health if she carries to term, vanishingly few doctors would give an abortion so late. Elective abortion is a vital right and I am pro-choice but I think it's irresponsible of you to dangle the idea of "Just travel somewhere and you can get an abortion this late" in front of the OP, when that is HIGHLY unlikely. And she has never once said here that she does not want a child. I agree that it's a terrible pity she's pregnant in these circumstances. But blithely giving the impression she can get a second trimester (nearly third trimester by the time she travels and finds anyone willing to do it) abortion -- that's irresponsible. I was going to advise her to abort until I saw how far along she was. She's yoked to this guy now. Unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all of the responses, they've been very helpful. To answer some questions: I'm almost 6 months, so probably too late for an abortion. He *very* much wanted/wants the baby even though it was a surprise.

I spoke with him about it and told him it was unacceptable how he reacted and how unhappy I've been feeling, that it feels like I'm walking on eggshells and it's unsustainable. He cried at the idea of me leaving and apologized that he overreacted, and said that he would be better.

Then this morning he got extremely upset because it’s been maybe 4-5 days since we had sex, and he was shouting about it and saying how he couldnt live this way. So yes, it’s a theme that he gets very upset and emotional and kind of unable to self regulate, which I really hate. I’m not sure what to do because I do feel very stuck with my current physical condition. I love that he's emotional and vulnerable at times but then other times I feel completely stretched to my limit and almost traumatized because it feels like it's *always* something

Do YOU want this baby, with this person? Do you want to be saddled with him for 18 years? It sounds to me like you married (are you even married?) an abusive narcissist who love bombed and maybe also baby trapped you.

I would seek to exit this relationship at all costs including aborting. There are states where this is legal through 6 months, and a lifelong bond to someone who sounds like he is on the path to domestic violence is an excellent reason for a second trimester termination.

It is very typical for these men to only show their true colors during pregnancy.

Just because there are states with no gestational limit on abortion (that's the term for what you're calling "legal through six months") -- that does not mean that, even if OP traveled to one of those states, she could find any doctor willing to give her an abortion. Short of serious fetal abnormality or risk to the mother's health if she carries to term, vanishingly few doctors would give an abortion so late. Elective abortion is a vital right and I am pro-choice but I think it's irresponsible of you to dangle the idea of "Just travel somewhere and you can get an abortion this late" in front of the OP, when that is HIGHLY unlikely. And she has never once said here that she does not want a child. I agree that it's a terrible pity she's pregnant in these circumstances. But blithely giving the impression she can get a second trimester (nearly third trimester by the time she travels and finds anyone willing to do it) abortion -- that's irresponsible. I was going to advise her to abort until I saw how far along she was. She's yoked to this guy now. Unfortunately.

NP but there are surely some places in the US she could go for a late term abortion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all of the responses, they've been very helpful. To answer some questions: I'm almost 6 months, so probably too late for an abortion. He *very* much wanted/wants the baby even though it was a surprise.

I spoke with him about it and told him it was unacceptable how he reacted and how unhappy I've been feeling, that it feels like I'm walking on eggshells and it's unsustainable. He cried at the idea of me leaving and apologized that he overreacted, and said that he would be better.

Then this morning he got extremely upset because it’s been maybe 4-5 days since we had sex, and he was shouting about it and saying how he couldnt live this way. So yes, it’s a theme that he gets very upset and emotional and kind of unable to self regulate, which I really hate. I’m not sure what to do because I do feel very stuck with my current physical condition. I love that he's emotional and vulnerable at times but then other times I feel completely stretched to my limit and almost traumatized because it feels like it's *always* something

Do YOU want this baby, with this person? Do you want to be saddled with him for 18 years? It sounds to me like you married (are you even married?) an abusive narcissist who love bombed and maybe also baby trapped you.

I would seek to exit this relationship at all costs including aborting. There are states where this is legal through 6 months, and a lifelong bond to someone who sounds like he is on the path to domestic violence is an excellent reason for a second trimester termination.

It is very typical for these men to only show their true colors during pregnancy.

Just because there are states with no gestational limit on abortion (that's the term for what you're calling "legal through six months") -- that does not mean that, even if OP traveled to one of those states, she could find any doctor willing to give her an abortion. Short of serious fetal abnormality or risk to the mother's health if she carries to term, vanishingly few doctors would give an abortion so late. Elective abortion is a vital right and I am pro-choice but I think it's irresponsible of you to dangle the idea of "Just travel somewhere and you can get an abortion this late" in front of the OP, when that is HIGHLY unlikely. And she has never once said here that she does not want a child. I agree that it's a terrible pity she's pregnant in these circumstances. But blithely giving the impression she can get a second trimester (nearly third trimester by the time she travels and finds anyone willing to do it) abortion -- that's irresponsible. I was going to advise her to abort until I saw how far along she was. She's yoked to this guy now. Unfortunately.

NP but there are surely some places in the US she could go for a late term abortion?

Did you actually read the comment? Apparently not. It's not about whether such locations exist. It's about whether any doctor in such a location would be willing to give an elective abortion at six months in a healthy pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Plan your solo exit .. with baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all of the responses, they've been very helpful. To answer some questions: I'm almost 6 months, so probably too late for an abortion. He *very* much wanted/wants the baby even though it was a surprise.

I spoke with him about it and told him it was unacceptable how he reacted and how unhappy I've been feeling, that it feels like I'm walking on eggshells and it's unsustainable. He cried at the idea of me leaving and apologized that he overreacted, and said that he would be better.

Then this morning he got extremely upset because it’s been maybe 4-5 days since we had sex, and he was shouting about it and saying how he couldnt live this way. So yes, it’s a theme that he gets very upset and emotional and kind of unable to self regulate, which I really hate. I’m not sure what to do because I do feel very stuck with my current physical condition. I love that he's emotional and vulnerable at times but then other times I feel completely stretched to my limit and almost traumatized because it feels like it's *always* something

Do YOU want this baby, with this person? Do you want to be saddled with him for 18 years? It sounds to me like you married (are you even married?) an abusive narcissist who love bombed and maybe also baby trapped you.

I would seek to exit this relationship at all costs including aborting. There are states where this is legal through 6 months, and a lifelong bond to someone who sounds like he is on the path to domestic violence is an excellent reason for a second trimester termination.

It is very typical for these men to only show their true colors during pregnancy.

Just because there are states with no gestational limit on abortion (that's the term for what you're calling "legal through six months") -- that does not mean that, even if OP traveled to one of those states, she could find any doctor willing to give her an abortion. Short of serious fetal abnormality or risk to the mother's health if she carries to term, vanishingly few doctors would give an abortion so late. Elective abortion is a vital right and I am pro-choice but I think it's irresponsible of you to dangle the idea of "Just travel somewhere and you can get an abortion this late" in front of the OP, when that is HIGHLY unlikely. And she has never once said here that she does not want a child. I agree that it's a terrible pity she's pregnant in these circumstances. But blithely giving the impression she can get a second trimester (nearly third trimester by the time she travels and finds anyone willing to do it) abortion -- that's irresponsible. I was going to advise her to abort until I saw how far along she was. She's yoked to this guy now. Unfortunately.

NP but there are surely some places in the US she could go for a late term abortion?

Did you actually read the comment? Apparently not. It's not about whether such locations exist. It's about whether any doctor in such a location would be willing to give an elective abortion at six months in a healthy pregnancy.

Actually it’s you giving the irresponsible advice. First of all, there is a huge difference between a second trimester and “no gestational limit”—I’m not even sure the latter exists unless it’s a threat to the mother’s life.
But also, there certainly ARE states where abortion is legal through 26 weeks and while of course she’d have to find a doctor that doesn’t make it impossible. You’re responding like it’s not even possible.

I personally know a respected Ob/gyn who does them, legally, in NY State (and also know three women who have had it done), I can tell you that OPs reason (being in a relationship that is becoming abusive) is absolutely one he would deem sufficient.

[Anonymous]

Just checked. There are no time limits on abortion in Washington DC, Vermont and four other states, it is legal in Virginia until the third trimester. It is legal through 24-26 weeks in several other states including MA and PA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all of the responses, they've been very helpful. To answer some questions: I'm almost 6 months, so probably too late for an abortion. He *very* much wanted/wants the baby even though it was a surprise.

I spoke with him about it and told him it was unacceptable how he reacted and how unhappy I've been feeling, that it feels like I'm walking on eggshells and it's unsustainable. He cried at the idea of me leaving and apologized that he overreacted, and said that he would be better.

Then this morning he got extremely upset because it’s been maybe 4-5 days since we had sex, and he was shouting about it and saying how he couldnt live this way. So yes, it’s a theme that he gets very upset and emotional and kind of unable to self regulate, which I really hate. I’m not sure what to do because I do feel very stuck with my current physical condition. I love that he's emotional and vulnerable at times but then other times I feel completely stretched to my limit and almost traumatized because it feels like it's *always* something

Do YOU want this baby, with this person? Do you want to be saddled with him for 18 years? It sounds to me like you married (are you even married?) an abusive narcissist who love bombed and maybe also baby trapped you.

I would seek to exit this relationship at all costs including aborting. There are states where this is legal through 6 months, and a lifelong bond to someone who sounds like he is on the path to domestic violence is an excellent reason for a second trimester termination.

It is very typical for these men to only show their true colors during pregnancy.

Just because there are states with no gestational limit on abortion (that's the term for what you're calling "legal through six months") -- that does not mean that, even if OP traveled to one of those states, she could find any doctor willing to give her an abortion. Short of serious fetal abnormality or risk to the mother's health if she carries to term, vanishingly few doctors would give an abortion so late. Elective abortion is a vital right and I am pro-choice but I think it's irresponsible of you to dangle the idea of "Just travel somewhere and you can get an abortion this late" in front of the OP, when that is HIGHLY unlikely. And she has never once said here that she does not want a child. I agree that it's a terrible pity she's pregnant in these circumstances. But blithely giving the impression she can get a second trimester (nearly third trimester by the time she travels and finds anyone willing to do it) abortion -- that's irresponsible. I was going to advise her to abort until I saw how far along she was. She's yoked to this guy now. Unfortunately.

NP but there are surely some places in the US she could go for a late term abortion?

Did you actually read the comment? Apparently not. It's not about whether such locations exist. It's about whether any doctor in such a location would be willing to give an elective abortion at six months in a healthy pregnancy.

Actually it’s you giving the irresponsible advice. First of all, there is a huge difference between a second trimester and “no gestational limit”—I’m not even sure the latter exists unless it’s a threat to the mother’s life.
But also, there certainly ARE states where abortion is legal through 26 weeks and while of course she’d have to find a doctor that doesn’t make it impossible. You’re responding like it’s not even possible.

I personally know a respected Ob/gyn who does them, legally, in NY State (and also know three women who have had it done), I can tell you that OPs reason (being in a relationship that is becoming abusive) is absolutely one he would deem sufficient.

Great. Can you get to OP and book her flights, hotel and cost of the procedure? Knowing someone who does these abortions is helpful if you can actually refer real people to that doctor. Unless OP can travel, has the time off work, can afford the abortion, all this "just go get one!" advice is not helpful. Unless you want to give her actual numbers for clinics.

And yes, "gestational limit" is a term used in this discussion and on many lists detailing variations in abortion laws state by state. Just ONE example of many you'd find online: https://lozierinstitute.org/gestational-limits-on-abortion-in-the-united-states-compared-to-international-norms/

I never said it was "impossible" for her to get an abortioni. I noted very clearly that yes, there are states where she could get one legally. I am saying that doctors even in those states are not obliged to give her or anyone an abortion at any point. And while I applaud the doctor you know who would do this for her, well, that's only applicable if she could get to that doctor in time, from wherever she is currently.

I wonder if you and the other PPs talking about abortions are really fully understanding that even doctors who WANT to do these procedures and are in locations where it's legal are also deeply concerned that very, very soon, even their location's local laws might not protect them enough. There are already test cases by conservatives getting men to try to sue people who assist women in getting abortions--from friends or strangers who drive them out of state, to doctors in other locations. Is it going to work legally? Maybe not. Is it enough to make doctors feel under assault and leery of doing even legal abortions? Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all of the responses, they've been very helpful. To answer some questions: I'm almost 6 months, so probably too late for an abortion. He *very* much wanted/wants the baby even though it was a surprise.

I spoke with him about it and told him it was unacceptable how he reacted and how unhappy I've been feeling, that it feels like I'm walking on eggshells and it's unsustainable. He cried at the idea of me leaving and apologized that he overreacted, and said that he would be better.

Then this morning he got extremely upset because it’s been maybe 4-5 days since we had sex, and he was shouting about it and saying how he couldnt live this way. So yes, it’s a theme that he gets very upset and emotional and kind of unable to self regulate, which I really hate. I’m not sure what to do because I do feel very stuck with my current physical condition. I love that he's emotional and vulnerable at times but then other times I feel completely stretched to my limit and almost traumatized because it feels like it's *always* something

PP from above here. "He gets very emotional and kind of unable to self-regulate." Your words. OP, you need to cancel any wedding plans and tell him that unless he gets serious treatment for whatever mental issue he has, anxiety or dysregulation or past trauma or what the hell ever his issue is-- you will leave him. Make it an ultimatum. He will get furious about that but you need to be ready for his anger. Get names of doctors lined up, take him to the appointments so he won't back out or lie about going. You have three months to get him into serious treatment. Clock is ticking.

The childish tantrum over not having sex with a six months pregnant woman is truly horrible. Please recognize how bad that is. He'll be pestering you and crying for sex right after you've given birth. This is a truly bad situation, OP, and you need to stop accepting apologies and claims he'll "be better." He's a time bomb who will be, frankly, a terrible spouse and father, and though he wants the baby now -- will he resent baby once he thinks you "pay too much attention to the baby and not enough to me"??

This unfortunately is a very sad behavior that does happen with emotionally immature men. My BIL was straight up jealous of his infant sons and the attention my sister gave them. Babies, he was jealous of babies. My sister someone lived with it but that would give me an ick I’d never be able to come back from. So gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all of the responses, they've been very helpful. To answer some questions: I'm almost 6 months, so probably too late for an abortion. He *very* much wanted/wants the baby even though it was a surprise.

I spoke with him about it and told him it was unacceptable how he reacted and how unhappy I've been feeling, that it feels like I'm walking on eggshells and it's unsustainable. He cried at the idea of me leaving and apologized that he overreacted, and said that he would be better.

Then this morning he got extremely upset because it’s been maybe 4-5 days since we had sex, and he was shouting about it and saying how he couldnt live this way. So yes, it’s a theme that he gets very upset and emotional and kind of unable to self regulate, which I really hate. I’m not sure what to do because I do feel very stuck with my current physical condition. I love that he's emotional and vulnerable at times but then other times I feel completely stretched to my limit and almost traumatized because it feels like it's *always* something

Do YOU want this baby, with this person? Do you want to be saddled with him for 18 years? It sounds to me like you married (are you even married?) an abusive narcissist who love bombed and maybe also baby trapped you.

I would seek to exit this relationship at all costs including aborting. There are states where this is legal through 6 months, and a lifelong bond to someone who sounds like he is on the path to domestic violence is an excellent reason for a second trimester termination.

It is very typical for these men to only show their true colors during pregnancy.

WTF, PP - the baby is viable at 6 months. This is not a reason to abort it. But it’s a reason to leave - maybe move out if state or near family (you can do that when you’re pregnant, but not after the baby is born). This will not get better; it most certainly will get worse. Your child may be on the receiving end of it, which is a shame because you make choices for them and you will likely stay.

[Anonymous]

^ I know two people who gave birth at 26 weeks. Yes, there were NICU stays but babies survived and are doing well now. And I’m very pro-choice. Wouldn’t a baby at 26 weeks have to be delivered alive? Not to derail OP’s thread. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all of the responses, they've been very helpful. To answer some questions: I'm almost 6 months, so probably too late for an abortion. He *very* much wanted/wants the baby even though it was a surprise.

I spoke with him about it and told him it was unacceptable how he reacted and how unhappy I've been feeling, that it feels like I'm walking on eggshells and it's unsustainable. He cried at the idea of me leaving and apologized that he overreacted, and said that he would be better.

Then this morning he got extremely upset because it’s been maybe 4-5 days since we had sex, and he was shouting about it and saying how he couldnt live this way. So yes, it’s a theme that he gets very upset and emotional and kind of unable to self regulate, which I really hate. I’m not sure what to do because I do feel very stuck with my current physical condition. I love that he's emotional and vulnerable at times but then other times I feel completely stretched to my limit and almost traumatized because it feels like it's *always* something

Do YOU want this baby, with this person? Do you want to be saddled with him for 18 years? It sounds to me like you married (are you even married?) an abusive narcissist who love bombed and maybe also baby trapped you.

I would seek to exit this relationship at all costs including aborting. There are states where this is legal through 6 months, and a lifelong bond to someone who sounds like he is on the path to domestic violence is an excellent reason for a second trimester termination.

It is very typical for these men to only show their true colors during pregnancy.

Just because there are states with no gestational limit on abortion (that's the term for what you're calling "legal through six months") -- that does not mean that, even if OP traveled to one of those states, she could find any doctor willing to give her an abortion. Short of serious fetal abnormality or risk to the mother's health if she carries to term, vanishingly few doctors would give an abortion so late. Elective abortion is a vital right and I am pro-choice but I think it's irresponsible of you to dangle the idea of "Just travel somewhere and you can get an abortion this late" in front of the OP, when that is HIGHLY unlikely. And she has never once said here that she does not want a child. I agree that it's a terrible pity she's pregnant in these circumstances. But blithely giving the impression she can get a second trimester (nearly third trimester by the time she travels and finds anyone willing to do it) abortion -- that's irresponsible. I was going to advise her to abort until I saw how far along she was. She's yoked to this guy now. Unfortunately.

NP but there are surely some places in the US she could go for a late term abortion?

Did you actually read the comment? Apparently not. It's not about whether such locations exist. It's about whether any doctor in such a location would be willing to give an elective abortion at six months in a healthy pregnancy.

Yes I did, and I find that hard to believe. Surely there are abortion doctors who are willing to help women at any stage of pregnancy, and OP could probably source them with a quick google seatch. Late state abortions are permitted fairly widely throughout the United States, excepting the South