I’m exhausted with my fiancé

[Anonymous]

OP is clearly not a good decision maker, she’s already 6m pregnant by someone she isn’t married to.

OP, you need to realize there’s a huge likelihood you will wind up raising a baby on your own. Single motherhood is the #1 cause of female poverty. Is that what you want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is clearly not a good decision maker, she’s already 6m pregnant by someone she isn’t married to.

OP, you need to realize there’s a huge likelihood you will wind up raising a baby on your own. Single motherhood is the #1 cause of female poverty. Is that what you want?

Another poster with invaluable advice. Oh wait, there isn't any. Just useless judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is clearly not a good decision maker, she’s already 6m pregnant by someone she isn’t married to.

OP, you need to realize there’s a huge likelihood you will wind up raising a baby on your own. Single motherhood is the #1 cause of female poverty. Is that what you want?

NP. Certainly it's a much better option than being married to a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get out now. Triggered, volatile, sensitive, emotional, turning it around to blame you. Imagine this is one incident about news on a telephone. Then imagine all of the other real life issues you'll deal with. It is already abusive. Get out.

Abusive because he didn’t want to hear about the latest MAGA conspiracy theory right when he was going to bed …?

I can believe OP feels stressed but that raises the question of why she’s having a baby with someone who appears to be annoyed by her. Abortion was an option.

I’m sorry what part of women and children getting raped is a conspiracy theory? Do you also deny the holocaust?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all of the responses, they've been very helpful. To answer some questions: I'm almost 6 months, so probably too late for an abortion. He *very* much wanted/wants the baby even though it was a surprise.

I spoke with him about it and told him it was unacceptable how he reacted and how unhappy I've been feeling, that it feels like I'm walking on eggshells and it's unsustainable. He cried at the idea of me leaving and apologized that he overreacted, and said that he would be better.

Then this morning he got extremely upset because it’s been maybe 4-5 days since we had sex, and he was shouting about it and saying how he couldnt live this way. So yes, it’s a theme that he gets very upset and emotional and kind of unable to self regulate, which I really hate. I’m not sure what to do because I do feel very stuck with my current physical condition. I love that he's emotional and vulnerable at times but then other times I feel completely stretched to my limit and almost traumatized because it feels like it's *always* something

Do YOU want this baby, with this person? Do you want to be saddled with him for 18 years? It sounds to me like you married (are you even married?) an abusive narcissist who love bombed and maybe also baby trapped you.

I would seek to exit this relationship at all costs including aborting. There are states where this is legal through 6 months, and a lifelong bond to someone who sounds like he is on the path to domestic violence is an excellent reason for a second trimester termination.

It is very typical for these men to only show their true colors during pregnancy.

Just because there are states with no gestational limit on abortion (that's the term for what you're calling "legal through six months") -- that does not mean that, even if OP traveled to one of those states, she could find any doctor willing to give her an abortion. Short of serious fetal abnormality or risk to the mother's health if she carries to term, vanishingly few doctors would give an abortion so late. Elective abortion is a vital right and I am pro-choice but I think it's irresponsible of you to dangle the idea of "Just travel somewhere and you can get an abortion this late" in front of the OP, when that is HIGHLY unlikely. And she has never once said here that she does not want a child. I agree that it's a terrible pity she's pregnant in these circumstances. But blithely giving the impression she can get a second trimester (nearly third trimester by the time she travels and finds anyone willing to do it) abortion -- that's irresponsible. I was going to advise her to abort until I saw how far along she was. She's yoked to this guy now. Unfortunately.

NP but there are surely some places in the US she could go for a late term abortion?

Did you actually read the comment? Apparently not. It's not about whether such locations exist. It's about whether any doctor in such a location would be willing to give an elective abortion at six months in a healthy pregnancy.

Actually it’s you giving the irresponsible advice. First of all, there is a huge difference between a second trimester and “no gestational limit”—I’m not even sure the latter exists unless it’s a threat to the mother’s life.
But also, there certainly ARE states where abortion is legal through 26 weeks and while of course she’d have to find a doctor that doesn’t make it impossible. You’re responding like it’s not even possible.

I personally know a respected Ob/gyn who does them, legally, in NY State (and also know three women who have had it done), I can tell you that OPs reason (being in a relationship that is becoming abusive) is absolutely one he would deem sufficient.

“Keep the baby comfortable…”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get out now. Triggered, volatile, sensitive, emotional, turning it around to blame you. Imagine this is one incident about news on a telephone. Then imagine all of the other real life issues you'll deal with. It is already abusive. Get out.

Abusive because he didn’t want to hear about the latest MAGA conspiracy theory right when he was going to bed …?

I can believe OP feels stressed but that raises the question of why she’s having a baby with someone who appears to be annoyed by her. Abortion was an option.

I’m sorry what part of women and children getting raped is a conspiracy theory? Do you also deny the holocaust?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all of the responses, they've been very helpful. To answer some questions: I'm almost 6 months, so probably too late for an abortion. He *very* much wanted/wants the baby even though it was a surprise.

I spoke with him about it and told him it was unacceptable how he reacted and how unhappy I've been feeling, that it feels like I'm walking on eggshells and it's unsustainable. He cried at the idea of me leaving and apologized that he overreacted, and said that he would be better.

Then this morning he got extremely upset because it’s been maybe 4-5 days since we had sex, and he was shouting about it and saying how he couldnt live this way. So yes, it’s a theme that he gets very upset and emotional and kind of unable to self regulate, which I really hate. I’m not sure what to do because I do feel very stuck with my current physical condition. I love that he's emotional and vulnerable at times but then other times I feel completely stretched to my limit and almost traumatized because it feels like it's *always* something

Do YOU want this baby, with this person? Do you want to be saddled with him for 18 years? It sounds to me like you married (are you even married?) an abusive narcissist who love bombed and maybe also baby trapped you.

I would seek to exit this relationship at all costs including aborting. There are states where this is legal through 6 months, and a lifelong bond to someone who sounds like he is on the path to domestic violence is an excellent reason for a second trimester termination.

It is very typical for these men to only show their true colors during pregnancy.

Just because there are states with no gestational limit on abortion (that's the term for what you're calling "legal through six months") -- that does not mean that, even if OP traveled to one of those states, she could find any doctor willing to give her an abortion. Short of serious fetal abnormality or risk to the mother's health if she carries to term, vanishingly few doctors would give an abortion so late. Elective abortion is a vital right and I am pro-choice but I think it's irresponsible of you to dangle the idea of "Just travel somewhere and you can get an abortion this late" in front of the OP, when that is HIGHLY unlikely. And she has never once said here that she does not want a child. I agree that it's a terrible pity she's pregnant in these circumstances. But blithely giving the impression she can get a second trimester (nearly third trimester by the time she travels and finds anyone willing to do it) abortion -- that's irresponsible. I was going to advise her to abort until I saw how far along she was. She's yoked to this guy now. Unfortunately.

NP but there are surely some places in the US she could go for a late term abortion?

Yes. Colorado. Costs are $25k-$30k.

Isn’t planned parenthood supposed to make it cheaper?

You should try Google and researching all of the publicly available information on this. You might even learn something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is clearly not a good decision maker, she’s already 6m pregnant by someone she isn’t married to.

OP, you need to realize there’s a huge likelihood you will wind up raising a baby on your own. Single motherhood is the #1 cause of female poverty. Is that what you want?

She has no choice now, unless the PP who has the doctor pal can magically get her to that doctor's clinic, stat.

She does need to get savvy, and fast, about finding a good lawyer. If she is very fortunate, the soon-to-be-ex fiance will not want parental rights, but if he does, he's in her world for the rest of her life as the other parent. At least, until the child is 18. I'd be hunting down lawyers with experience in getting mom the most custody possible. (The pro-dad, anti-wife cadre on DCUM will hate that, but whatever.) He sounds like he'd be a nightmare having a child half the time. He'll only teach the kid to walk on eggshells just like OP says she does. it's a terrible environment for bringing up a kid, and she needs to protect the kid from daddy's delicate selfish sensibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It feels like he’s always getting upset about small things. For example, last night, I was just about to pop into the bathroom to get ready for bed, when a news report popped up about the UK grooming gangs that has been in the news lately. I was chatting to him about it, because he had never heard of it. Granted, I get it’s a bit of a depressing topic, but next thing I know he had stormed out and insisted on sleeping on the couch because “I don’t want to hear about this before I go to bed”. I get that, in retrospect, I should have maybe kept it to myself and just gotten ready for bed. But I honestly didn’t think it, and, in any case, it feels like I have to walk on eggshells around him, that he’s not good at managing his emotions and freaks out over the smallest things. Unfortunately I am (accidentally) pregnant so leaving isn’t so easy, but I’m afraid when we have a child together it will be a million times worse. I’m not sure if this kind of thing, a guy who always seems upset, is a legitimate red flag or I’m just suffering from pregnancy hormones. And if it is really bad, then IDK whether I should leave now or wait till after the child arrives

it ain't gonna get better with time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is clearly not a good decision maker, she’s already 6m pregnant by someone she isn’t married to.

OP, you need to realize there’s a huge likelihood you will wind up raising a baby on your own. Single motherhood is the #1 cause of female poverty. Is that what you want?

She has no choice now, unless the PP who has the doctor pal can magically get her to that doctor's clinic, stat.

She does need to get savvy, and fast, about finding a good lawyer. If she is very fortunate, the soon-to-be-ex fiance will not want parental rights, but if he does, he's in her world for the rest of her life as the other parent. At least, until the child is 18. I'd be hunting down lawyers with experience in getting mom the most custody possible. (The pro-dad, anti-wife cadre on DCUM will hate that, but whatever.) He sounds like he'd be a nightmare having a child half the time. He'll only teach the kid to walk on eggshells just like OP says she does. it's a terrible environment for bringing up a kid, and she needs to protect the kid from daddy's delicate selfish sensibilities.

You are just brimming with wrong information aren’t you.

She DOES have a choice. SHE CAN STILL LEGALLY TERMINATE in both DC and VA.

As for the dad, they are not married, so he is not the presumptive father (the law assumes that the husband is the father of the parents are married when the baby is born), and if she doesn’t put his name down on the birth certificate, he will have a tough time getting rights. In theory, she could leave today, have the baby elsewhere, not put his name in the BC, and live in relative peace, except for the extreme stress of being a 24 yo unwed single mother with it sounds like little going on in the earning department.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is clearly not a good decision maker, she’s already 6m pregnant by someone she isn’t married to.

OP, you need to realize there’s a huge likelihood you will wind up raising a baby on your own. Single motherhood is the #1 cause of female poverty. Is that what you want?

She has no choice now, unless the PP who has the doctor pal can magically get her to that doctor's clinic, stat.

She does need to get savvy, and fast, about finding a good lawyer. If she is very fortunate, the soon-to-be-ex fiance will not want parental rights, but if he does, he's in her world for the rest of her life as the other parent. At least, until the child is 18. I'd be hunting down lawyers with experience in getting mom the most custody possible. (The pro-dad, anti-wife cadre on DCUM will hate that, but whatever.) He sounds like he'd be a nightmare having a child half the time. He'll only teach the kid to walk on eggshells just like OP says she does. it's a terrible environment for bringing up a kid, and she needs to protect the kid from daddy's delicate selfish sensibilities.

You are just brimming with wrong information aren’t you.

She DOES have a choice. SHE CAN STILL LEGALLY TERMINATE in both DC and VA.

As for the dad, they are not married, so he is not the presumptive father (the law assumes that the husband is the father of the parents are married when the baby is born), and if she doesn’t put his name down on the birth certificate, he will have a tough time getting rights. In theory, she could leave today, have the baby elsewhere, not put his name in the BC, and live in relative peace, except for the extreme stress of being a 24 yo unwed single mother with it sounds like little going on in the earning department.

You really are invested in your belief that she can find a doctor willing to do an elective abortion for a healthy pregnancy at six-plus months.

Having the legal ability to get an abortion does not mean that doctors are required to perform one for you. Unfortunate but true.

You're in a fantasy where you think doctors are not going to consider the potential repercussions on their own careers if it comes out that they did an abortion in the circumstances OP presents. Yes, even in locations where such a procedure would be legal. Just saying "but it's legal so she can still get one" does not make it a reality for this woman in this case.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is clearly not a good decision maker, she’s already 6m pregnant by someone she isn’t married to.

OP, you need to realize there’s a huge likelihood you will wind up raising a baby on your own. Single motherhood is the #1 cause of female poverty. Is that what you want?

She has no choice now, unless the PP who has the doctor pal can magically get her to that doctor's clinic, stat.

She does need to get savvy, and fast, about finding a good lawyer. If she is very fortunate, the soon-to-be-ex fiance will not want parental rights, but if he does, he's in her world for the rest of her life as the other parent. At least, until the child is 18. I'd be hunting down lawyers with experience in getting mom the most custody possible. (The pro-dad, anti-wife cadre on DCUM will hate that, but whatever.) He sounds like he'd be a nightmare having a child half the time. He'll only teach the kid to walk on eggshells just like OP says she does. it's a terrible environment for bringing up a kid, and she needs to protect the kid from daddy's delicate selfish sensibilities.

You are just brimming with wrong information aren’t you.

She DOES have a choice. SHE CAN STILL LEGALLY TERMINATE in both DC and VA.

As for the dad, they are not married, so he is not the presumptive father (the law assumes that the husband is the father of the parents are married when the baby is born), and if she doesn’t put his name down on the birth certificate, he will have a tough time getting rights. In theory, she could leave today, have the baby elsewhere, not put his name in the BC, and live in relative peace, except for the extreme stress of being a 24 yo unwed single mother with it sounds like little going on in the earning department.

You really are invested in your belief that she can find a doctor willing to do an elective abortion for a healthy pregnancy at six-plus months.

Having the legal ability to get an abortion does not mean that doctors are required to perform one for you. Unfortunate but true.

You're in a fantasy where you think doctors are not going to consider the potential repercussions on their own careers if it comes out that they did an abortion in the circumstances OP presents. Yes, even in locations where such a procedure would be legal. Just saying "but it's legal so she can still get one" does not make it a reality for this woman in this case.

I’m invested making sure this young woman is aware of all her legal options and not cowed by a naysaying obstructionist who seems to be heavily invested in her not even trying to exercise her legal right to an abortion at (checks post) under six months gestation.

OP, call planned parenthood today for a referral, I’m sure they answer this question with some regularity.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, that would be a hard no for me. No man is worth living that way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It feels like he’s always getting upset about small things. For example, last night, I was just about to pop into the bathroom to get ready for bed, when a news report popped up about the UK grooming gangs that has been in the news lately. I was chatting to him about it, because he had never heard of it. Granted, I get it’s a bit of a depressing topic, but next thing I know he had stormed out and insisted on sleeping on the couch because “I don’t want to hear about this before I go to bed”. I get that, in retrospect, I should have maybe kept it to myself and just gotten ready for bed. But I honestly didn’t think it, and, in any case, it feels like I have to walk on eggshells around him, that he’s not good at managing his emotions and freaks out over the smallest things. Unfortunately I am (accidentally) pregnant so leaving isn’t so easy, but I’m afraid when we have a child together it will be a million times worse. I’m not sure if this kind of thing, a guy who always seems upset, is a legitimate red flag or I’m just suffering from pregnancy hormones. And if it is really bad, then IDK whether I should leave now or wait till after the child arrives

i assume you are both in your 20s