PSA- Yes, you are a jerk if you don't invite your older parents to Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious. We have all read about the significant number of GenX kids cutting off their parents. I read an NYT article recently and to me, the person who wrote that book is conducting malpractice. In the case of actual abuse, I am sorry, but it seems like the younger generations never learned grace or to accept that their parents were humans and imperfect. I still have young ones, and love spending time with my parents--yes, even my conservative, annoying mother, so haven't had kids go no-contact yet. But the way things are going, it will probably happen some day. It's so sad to me.

I’ll bite.

My mother became pregnant at 19 during a summer internship in California. She never told the guy. She didn’t want to have to be bothered with the logistics of custody and the other parent on the other side of the country. My grandparents died when I was a child, so I can’t ask them, but considering we lived with them on and off, I assume they supported this.

My mother gets all the glory for how hard things were for her being a “single mother”. She worked nights, so I was left home alone and was often hungry and scared. When she would lose her jobs, we’d flee in the night to my grandparents, where my mother would use their babysitting as an opportunity to go out and do drugs and guys. She was arrested for shoplifting when I was around 10. I was shuttled between random people’s houses that summer while my mom was in jail. I was exposed to things and situations that no child should be exposed to.

As an adult, I can’t help but wonder if my life would have been more stable had I lived with my father. It may have been worse, but there’s an equal chance it could have been better. Either way, there’s a 50/50 chance my mother would have had more money from child support, and a 50/50 chance I would have had somewhere stable to live when my mom was in jail. Or during summer breaks. Or holiday breaks. Or just routinely. I’ll never know.

My mother is in her 70s now and has always been stuck at 19. She’s immature and rude and just ornery. She makes my life a living hell.

And no, her decisions when I was a minor child do not deserve grace. And she wasn’t just imperfect, she was willingly imperfect and selfish, to my detriment.

[Anonymous]

Totally agree. Obviously there’s the rare exception of abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even worse than the OPs are all the commenters who pretend that the 26th or 27th are just as good as the 24th or 25th (except when it comes to their side of the family, of course).

Haha yes!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you need to read this article. Also, newsflash, not everyone lives near family. It’s not always an option to only spend a “few hours” with them on Christmas. It may involve expensive travel, hotels, rental cars, PTO, cranky children, and lots of other stressors.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2024/12/10/christmas-alone-joy-solitude-holidays/

OP said invite, not travel to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even worse than the OPs are all the commenters who pretend that the 26th or 27th are just as good as the 24th or 25th (except when it comes to their side of the family, of course).

It's just a day, like any other day. You know Jesus wasn't actually born on this day, right? A lovely day with family is a lovely day with family.

And yet we celebrate Jesus’s birthday every year on the same day, so no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll flip this and say you are a jerk if you demand others to travel to you or expect to be hosted. Drop the entitlement.

No one said demand. An invitation isn’t a summons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.

I can't relate to someone like you, OP. Some close relatives can be obstreperous or downright abusive. There is no law that states that one is obligated to suffer stress and strife, particularly during the Holiday season. There is no religion, no moral code, no humanistic or ethical point of view, that seeks to push unpleasant guests onto the scene.

Just people like you. I wouldn't invite you either.

Best wishes for the Holiday season.

My parents always invited a maiden aunt who made racist remarks. For twenty years. And we were required to be on our “best behavior”
During the week the elderly relatives visited. And the racist relatives didn’t like Chinese food, things that were spicy, people drinking alcohol. There was one TV so we didn’t get to watch any fun kids Christmas movies, just Lawrence Welk etc. “Keep your voices down.” no, not doing that to my kids.

OP said parents not your racist aunt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few hours? More like they spend 4 days and nights as our houseguests, making things difficult and generally making me dread Christmas. Not this year, sorry. They have 3 other grown children they can spread the love this year and visit one of them for once.

You’re an adult and can say not to hosting for four days. It doesn’t mean you can’t offer up your home for Christmas brunch. Use your words and be firm about what the invite entails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even worse than the OPs are all the commenters who pretend that the 26th or 27th are just as good as the 24th or 25th (except when it comes to their side of the family, of course).

The OP of one thread today specified she's seeing her parents on the 24th, and she doesn't want to see her in-laws on the 25th. Seems reasonable in this context to offer the 26th. I did not see a recent thread where OPs were truly unfair to their in-laws.

I’m the OP of that thread and don’t appreciate you twisting and leaving out details to suit this thread.

As I said in that thread, we have hosted ILs for years. This year, my FIL was a jerk to my DH and they haven’t spoken since October. Subsequently, I made usual plans with my family on the 24th, because we never visit my family on the 25th, that’s typically reserved for ILs. But this year, since my FIL is a jerk and hasn’t spoken to us, I think it’s time to set the 25th aside and forge our own traditions for once.

Don’t twist my words. Also, don’t be a jerk to your kids and you won’t be in this situation.

Geez, that poster was speaking up for you not knowing you down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the advice is better written as:

Be someone your family is EXCITED to spend the holidays with.

Not really because OP is addressing people who don’t want to host but whose parents would like to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious. We have all read about the significant number of GenX kids cutting off their parents. I read an NYT article recently and to me, the person who wrote that book is conducting malpractice. In the case of actual abuse, I am sorry, but it seems like the younger generations never learned grace or to accept that their parents were humans and imperfect. I still have young ones, and love spending time with my parents--yes, even my conservative, annoying mother, so haven't had kids go no-contact yet. But the way things are going, it will probably happen some day. It's so sad to me.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few hours? More like they spend 4 days and nights as our houseguests, making things difficult and generally making me dread Christmas. Not this year, sorry. They have 3 other grown children they can spread the love this year and visit one of them for once.

You’re an adult and can say not to hosting for four days. It doesn’t mean you can’t offer up your home for Christmas brunch. Use your words and be firm about what the invite entails.

Sure. When my parents or my husbands parents say they want to fly in for Christmas from the west coast I’ll say “we would love to have you for Christmas brunch! You’re welcome anytime after 9am and by mid afternoon we will be heading to see Moana 2 so we’ll have to wrap things up by then”. And if they ask if they can stay the night or if they need to fly in and fly out on the same day, or find accommodations for the night and fly out the next day, I’ll say “the invitation is for Christmas brunch.”

[Anonymous]

Question- my in laws have 4 children, three of whom have wives and children of their own. We are the only ones in easy driving distance (about 3 hours), the others are a plane ride away. My in laws want to spend every holiday with us because they don’t like to fly. They’re 60ish and healthy and retired and rich- so all the usual excuses are not there, they just don’t like to. It makes them anxious. Which is of course their choice.
But every single thanksgiving and Christmas they assume they are coming to our house. Sometimes my family comes too. Occasionally we will say we are traveling to see my sibling for thanksgiving and they will be gracious about it but they will then spend thanksgiving alone.
I’m truly just tired of them coming to stay for 3 days and nights every Christmas. I want to have a holiday where I’m not tripping over them. They perch in the living room and I have nowhere to sit and relax. When they aren’t there, they are standing in the middle of the kitchen being generally in the way as I try to cook Christmas dinner. They bring a million presents for my kids that aren’t things they would want or play with because they don’t ask what their interests are, and it clutters the house and they are visibly annoyed when my kids don’t focus enough on the gifts they brought. Basically, they’re harmless, just annoying AF to have in the house for so long and it’s EVERY CHRISTMAS. Can someone draft a message for me to make clear that next year, we are going to spend Christmas just as a nuclear unit? With my own parents coming over for dinner? They aren’t cruel or abusive I just don’t want every single Christmas for the rest of my life to involve hosting them for half the week! My husband doesn’t care one way or another and says it’s up to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this needs some caveats about abuse etc. There are legit reasons to cut off family.

But assuming they're just annoying, yes, agree.

Yes. My parents have yhr hsual irritations of old people. My mom tells the same stories over and over again and can be unpredictably judgmental about weird things and my dad is often super grumpy and they often Cato at each other about dumb things. We often spend holidays with them.

My MIL is, on the face, really nice and normal. But she was apparently very emotionally abusive to her kids when they were growing up and I literally can’t stand spending time with her. My spouse gets really weird around her — shuts down entirely, is very stiff, but gets incredibly angry at me if I say anything about the whole weird dynamic. I’m not gojng yo ruin my kids holidays with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question- my in laws have 4 children, three of whom have wives and children of their own. We are the only ones in easy driving distance (about 3 hours), the others are a plane ride away. My in laws want to spend every holiday with us because they don’t like to fly. They’re 60ish and healthy and retired and rich- so all the usual excuses are not there, they just don’t like to. It makes them anxious. Which is of course their choice.
But every single thanksgiving and Christmas they assume they are coming to our house. Sometimes my family comes too. Occasionally we will say we are traveling to see my sibling for thanksgiving and they will be gracious about it but they will then spend thanksgiving alone.
I’m truly just tired of them coming to stay for 3 days and nights every Christmas. I want to have a holiday where I’m not tripping over them. They perch in the living room and I have nowhere to sit and relax. When they aren’t there, they are standing in the middle of the kitchen being generally in the way as I try to cook Christmas dinner. They bring a million presents for my kids that aren’t things they would want or play with because they don’t ask what their interests are, and it clutters the house and they are visibly annoyed when my kids don’t focus enough on the gifts they brought. Basically, they’re harmless, just annoying AF to have in the house for so long and it’s EVERY CHRISTMAS. Can someone draft a message for me to make clear that next year, we are going to spend Christmas just as a nuclear unit? With my own parents coming over for dinner? They aren’t cruel or abusive I just don’t want every single Christmas for the rest of my life to involve hosting them for half the week! My husband doesn’t care one way or another and says it’s up to me.

I would have some sort of work that needs to be done on the guest room or something of that nature so your spouse can say “Mom, it isn’t going to work for you to stay at our house this Christmas. You’re welcome for Christmas dinner of course, if you want to drive down and get a hotel.” And then they may opt not to.
Also, do they never fly or it’s just stressful at the holidays? Your spouse should push one of his siblings to offer to fly them out a week in advance when travel is less stressful.