Jewish boyfriend says I hate him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s horrible. It will only get worse if you stay. Lots of emotional abuse and gaslighting.

+1. He may be cheating. My DH started acting like this when he started having an affair and we’re now divorcing. Consider yourself lucky, you dodged a bullet since you aren’t married.
Go find yourself a nice stable man

There are two issues. One, he wants to marry a fellow traveler. I get that. In olden days, the conventional wisdom was to be skeptical about dating Jewish men because this preference often won in the end.

The second issue is the gaslighting and bad behavior. This guy, for whatever reason, is a mess. Run away.

+1 this isn't about religion. It's about character. If it weren't this thing it would be another thing. Enjoy Japan and feel free to do a quick rebound fling while you were out of the country.

[Anonymous]

It would be interesting to get his side of this, but in the end, it really doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter why he doesn’t like you anymore, it doesn’t matter if he is acting up as a defense mechanism. You two aren’t meant to be. Move on and don’t get hung up on his motivations.

[Anonymous]

He also might be paranoid schizophrenic. Do you know anything about his mental health in teens, early 20s?
Go now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s horrible. It will only get worse if you stay. Lots of emotional abuse and gaslighting.

+1. He may be cheating. My DH started acting like this when he started having an affair and we’re now divorcing. Consider yourself lucky, you dodged a bullet since you aren’t married.
Go find yourself a nice stable man

There are two issues. One, he wants to marry a fellow traveler. I get that. In olden days, the conventional wisdom was to be skeptical about dating Jewish men because this preference often won in the end.

The second issue is the gaslighting and bad behavior. This guy, for whatever reason, is a mess. Run away.

+1 this isn't about religion. It's about character. If it weren't this thing it would be another thing. Enjoy Japan and feel free to do a quick rebound fling while you were out of the country.

Disagree.

This is about his religion and he’s deep in his head about guilt from his parents and future kids and the holocaust and Judaism.

This is a him thing. Sad that whatever you do say or do is getting twisted into some lies he or his father are saying about you. Thats some dumb roping mechanism of his.

Doubt he’s cheating. You probably get along well and now he’s dropping the You’re Not Jewish card. Plus making up disrespect BS. Likely to push you away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well two years, age 25, in love, lots of great memories, trips, trials and tribulations. I said I’d convert, went on a long business trip and have some of the craziest emails ever from him.

He says we are great but he can’t date a non Jew. He accuses me of not being supportive enough when he or his family suffer antisemitism. Not sure where that’s coming from, he tells some stories from once in awhile, I listen and agree. He tells me I must have “milked antisemitism from my upbringing but don’t realize it.” He said his father says my last name was nasty to Jews back in Poland.

He’s really going out with a bang and rewriting the narrative.

Is this a defense mechanism to make me give up or dislike him? Before I thought this was going to work out or be some tragic Romeo& Juliet breakup. He’s not an a-hole at all but seems to be trying that angle.

I guess it’s working because now I don’t want to raise children with the same hate and assumptions that he has about others.

This. Full stop.

Tell him that and he needs to stop making ups tuff about you or the future you (I’ve been told I’m going to go race the kids to church someday and wreck everyone’s life!). May as well email it cuz that’s his passive style at this point.

[Anonymous]

I'm a Jewish man. I'm a little surprised that none of the responses mentioned the impact of October 7 and Israel's response to it on romantic relationships. For some people, October 7 was just another unpleasant headline, but for some people October 7 was a defining moment.

October 7 has put major stress on some relationships. Since then, I've noticed that many people seem to react differently to me and pretty much all Jews. I sometimes feel like Jews have become the most hated ethnic group in America. I've been experiencing or observing mild antisemitism on at least a weekly and sometimes daily basis, even though I hate Netanyahu and support a two state solution. (By the way, the worst offenders are usually white progressive women, not Muslim women, who tend to be very good at having nuanced conversations about the Middle East.) I personally have felt closer to my Jewish identify since October 7 and I would not be surprised if something similar happened to OP's boyfriend. That said, I still like non-Jewish women, and I don't fault OP.

[Anonymous]

It’s not uncommon for Jewish men to start thinking about marriage and then decide to exclusively date Jewish women because the religion is matrilineal or maybe he feels you’re pushing him towards marriage and this is how he bails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh sweetie, you are 25. This situation will never have a happy ending. Cut him loose. This doesn’t make anyone a bad person, just different.

Oh look, it's the "sweetie" poster. Every time I read "sweetie" I ignore whatever is said.

+1. Hate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. Yeah I can’t deal with whatever chip is on his shoulder and is applying it to me. Am in Japan right now so email is not suffice.

No trials and tribulations other than finding a job and things like that.

My last name is typical of Catholics from Chicago. So I must be evil!

I already ran his email past my Jewish friends from college and back home. Something is off and his father, playing bad cop, is making him choose between love and his family.

We have a lot of other things in common, just not our secular-like religious practices. No matter how I understand his is more important to him than vice versa.

-OP

His father does not want him to get serious with a non-Jewish girl.

I have seen this a few times. The family always wins. It's too bad that he can't be mature and kind in this situation, but this is a no win situation and you need to give up on the relationship as you are fundamentally incompatible.

[Anonymous]

It’s a bummer when it goes south so badly. But eventually you find the right one and chalk it all up to learning experiences. Dont do 2 years again. If no ring/promise in 6 months time to move on. 25 is young. No need to settle.

[Anonymous]

What does it mean to milk antisemitism from your upbringing? anyway dump this guy. He’s not the right fit for you. You’re too young to be wasting your time on this! Go out and enjoy yourself and don’t big yourself down with someone who’s doesn’t adore you for who you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a bummer when it goes south so badly. But eventually you find the right one and chalk it all up to learning experiences. Dont do 2 years again. If no ring/promise in 6 months time to move on. 25 is young. No need to settle.

Please don't follow this advice.

[Anonymous]

Dodged a bullet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. Yeah I can’t deal with whatever chip is on his shoulder and is applying it to me. Am in Japan right now so email is not suffice.

No trials and tribulations other than finding a job and things like that.

My last name is typical of Catholics from Chicago. So I must be evil!

I already ran his email past my Jewish friends from college and back home. Something is off and his father, playing bad cop, is making him choose between love and his family.

We have a lot of other things in common, just not our secular-like religious practices. No matter how I understand his is more important to him than vice versa.

-OP

There are plenty of Catholic guys in this country. Start going to mass at different places, seek them out online, maybe see if your mom or aunts know anyone.

It's pretty common for Jewish guys to waste Christian girls' time by dating them for a while and then dumping them because they aren't Jewish. Be wary of that and don't waste too much time with someone who is Jewish (meaning make sure you get engaged within 18 months or move on) or don't date them at all.

Over 60% of Jewish marriages since 2010 are to non-Jews, so can’t blame OP for thinking this would work, but these are unusual times and the guy sounds neurotic and immature (easily manipulated by his pushy parents). Dump him and move on. You do not want these people for in-laws in any event.

Most of the Jews I know who married non-Jews were older, some were second marriages. I think when you are talking about 25yo, you will still find lots of young Jewish men being pressured by their families to marry within the faith. The family has less power when the young man is 40; and it is not even a thing when the couple are older and not going to have any children. (For example, I know of an elderly Jewish women who was married to a Jewish man, had Jewish children, was widowed and then married a non-Jew in her senior years.)

[Anonymous]

Dated a Jewish guy for about 2-3 years as well. The guy loves you, but your backgrounds are just incredibly different and his parents don’t / won’t ever approve. It will never work at this point and he sees that. He’s just adding in allll the excuses why to somehow make it easier on him. Don’t worry about it or overthink it. Cherish your time you had together and remain friends if you can.