Told my DH to lose weight, it’s affecting everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are embarrassed by him. Hence this post. And as you say, sex is an issue.

Don’t be shocked when he chooses to move on. As a physician he can pretty easily find someone new — probably younger—who looks up to him. And when that happens he is going to feel like someone dying in the desert who has finally found water. And you will be served with divorce papers.

Mark my words.

She probably won't care. So win/win.

She’s gonna care when she realizes how alimony law has evolved over the past couple decades. (Hint: DW will need to go back to work herself after a period of retraining / transition).

Where did OP say she doesn’t work?

Where does it say she does?

So why jump to your assumption about alimony if you don’t know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married 20 years. DH has always struggled with weight due to short stature and genetics. He works out daily, but doesn’t eat great. He’s solid muscle except for a big belly and weight on his face. He’s a physician and works long hours.
I’ve encouraged him to talk to his doctor and get his T checked, which came back fine. I’ve hinted he might want to get on wegovy. He is furious with me and also really hurt. His self esteem is low and he says I’m embarrassed by him.
I know I should be a good person and let it go but I am frustrated by this. First, he has a huge stomach and that’s a big red flag for heart attacks. I worry. Family history of stroke too. Second, it does impact him at both work and socially. He gets discounted or overlooked or dismissed. It’s so sad, but I do think people respect you more if you’re thin. Lastly; it is affecting our sex life. I know I need to adjust how I think, but I’m turned off by the big belly. When he eats food falls on it and sits there. When he’s hugging me his stomach is in the way.
Such petty things for me to worry about. But I mentioned some of this (the health and social impact) and he was FURIOUS with me. Now he’s pulled away emotionally and is saying I’m embarrassed by him. To the point that when we’re at social events he hangs back behind me with a hound dog look and doesn’t engage with people he used to talk to. Which makes me sad but also angry. So I’ve hurt him and been selfish and I guess I should have just kept quiet. How do I fix this??

DH here: fwiw, i don’t think tough love of this nature is bad. It’s not that hard for men to lose weight and whatever short term challenges it may cause will be well worth it when he gets this fixed. I wish my DW had done this for me when I became overweight vs. my having to figure out how bad it had gotten and address years later. Denial is a powerful thing. So long as you are messaging your love for him too, it’s ok IMO to tell him to get his physical act together. More men should.

Completely agree. I was an overweight DH about five years ago. My wife sat me down and bluntly said "you need to lose some weight, it is making you less attractive and you need to stop sacrificing your health for your career." I appreciated the the honesty and attacked the weight issue as a problem to be solved, which I did.

Also, OP's husband is a physician, and should be capable of having an honest conversation about being fat.

Also

Exactly- it’s ok to give constructive criticism especially in face of health.

[Anonymous]

I’ve hinted he might want to get on wegovy.

How would you feel if your husband said this to you out of the blue? You don't eat great, you look kinda bad, and you ought to take drugs for it.

I don't think you would react well, OP. Men have feelings, too. Men are allowed to have reactions, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married 20 years. DH has always struggled with weight due to short stature and genetics. He works out daily, but doesn’t eat great. He’s solid muscle except for a big belly and weight on his face. He’s a physician and works long hours.
I’ve encouraged him to talk to his doctor and get his T checked, which came back fine. I’ve hinted he might want to get on wegovy. He is furious with me and also really hurt. His self esteem is low and he says I’m embarrassed by him.
I know I should be a good person and let it go but I am frustrated by this. First, he has a huge stomach and that’s a big red flag for heart attacks. I worry. Family history of stroke too. Second, it does impact him at both work and socially. He gets discounted or overlooked or dismissed. It’s so sad, but I do think people respect you more if you’re thin. Lastly; it is affecting our sex life. I know I need to adjust how I think, but I’m turned off by the big belly. When he eats food falls on it and sits there. When he’s hugging me his stomach is in the way.
Such petty things for me to worry about. But I mentioned some of this (the health and social impact) and he was FURIOUS with me. Now he’s pulled away emotionally and is saying I’m embarrassed by him. To the point that when we’re at social events he hangs back behind me with a hound dog look and doesn’t engage with people he used to talk to. Which makes me sad but also angry. So I’ve hurt him and been selfish and I guess I should have just kept quiet. How do I fix this??

DH here: fwiw, i don’t think tough love of this nature is bad. It’s not that hard for men to lose weight and whatever short term challenges it may cause will be well worth it when he gets this fixed. I wish my DW had done this for me when I became overweight vs. my having to figure out how bad it had gotten and address years later. Denial is a powerful thing. So long as you are messaging your love for him too, it’s ok IMO to tell him to get his physical act together. More men should.

Completely agree. I was an overweight DH about five years ago. My wife sat me down and bluntly said "you need to lose some weight, it is making you less attractive and you need to stop sacrificing your health for your career." I appreciated the the honesty and attacked the weight issue as a problem to be solved, which I did.

Also, OP's husband is a physician, and should be capable of having an honest conversation about being fat.

Also

PP from above: also, I feel vastly better and having way more fun in life since fixing this. I get that there will be short term pain, but if you can navigate this OP there is likely a much brighter future.

[Anonymous]

Pfft, the PPs on your case for being a bad partner have never had to take care of someone who is overweight and whose body is failing them because of the weight or had to watch someone take on that caretaker role.

My dad's always been overweight his whole life. He sounds like he has a similar bodytype as your husband - shorter side at only 5'10" with a big belly. Genetics also plays a role for him as both his parents were overweight and some of his siblings (and their kids) are overweight. He's what you would call athletic overweight. He was muscular and very strong - played college football - and worked out daily. He's retired now, but he was a federal officer so he was required to work out daily, and he also had to pass PEBs (physical efficiency b-something) for work. Before he retired, it was getting harder to pass the physical tests. He needed knee surgery before his retirement and he's never bounced back from that. The muscles faded and the belly grew. He doesn't fit comfortably in airplane seats so all that traveling he and my mom planned for upon retirement doesn't happen. He can't do too much walking and never works out anymore. He had bypass surgery about 4 years ago. The recovery from that was even worse than the knee surgery. My mom's pretty miserable, IMO. She does everything alone or with a friend. The rest of her time is spent taking care of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I’ve hinted he might want to get on wegovy.

How would you feel if your husband said this to you out of the blue? You don't eat great, you look kinda bad, and you ought to take drugs for it.

I don't think you would react well, OP. Men have feelings, too. Men are allowed to have reactions, too.

DH from above: it’s not symmetric here in my view. It’s much easier for men to lose weight than women with moderate changes in diet and a sufficient exercise routine due to a greater ability to add muscle mass quickly.

[Anonymous]

He needs to cut back on his work so he has the time and energy to focus on his health. My doctor sister did this and became very fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Accept him and where he is in his life and career.
Stop looking to “be best” and relax

Really? She should accept being completely unattracted to her DH? Destroying her sex life? Destroying his health and future capabilities and lifespan? No. OP can talk to him kindly, but she's right. Maybe her DH just needs time to understand that staying relatively fit is incredibly important for your quality of life and your marriage. It's a serious duty and shouldn't be ignored.

[Anonymous]

Lastly; it is affecting our sex life. I know I need to adjust how I think, but I’m turned off by the big belly. When he eats food falls on it and sits there. When he’s hugging me his stomach is in the way.

I don't think that is petty. I have the same problem with my DH. HUGE belly. I don't need to adjust how I think. He needs to adjust how he eats! Why is it petty to want to be attracted to your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are embarrassed by him. Hence this post. And as you say, sex is an issue.

Don’t be shocked when he chooses to move on. As a physician he can pretty easily find someone new — probably younger—who looks up to him. And when that happens he is going to feel like someone dying in the desert who has finally found water. And you will be served with divorce papers.

Mark my words.

She’ll walk off with half their assets and find a hotter guy.

I somehow doubt it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Accept him and where he is in his life and career.
Stop looking to “be best” and relax

Really? She should accept being completely unattracted to her DH? Destroying her sex life? Destroying his health and future capabilities and lifespan? No. OP can talk to him kindly, but she's right. Maybe her DH just needs time to understand that staying relatively fit is incredibly important for your quality of life and your marriage. It's a serious duty and shouldn't be ignored.

This is a little dramatic in the context of a 20 yr marriage. Bodies change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Lastly; it is affecting our sex life. I know I need to adjust how I think, but I’m turned off by the big belly. When he eats food falls on it and sits there. When he’s hugging me his stomach is in the way.

I don't think that is petty. I have the same problem with my DH. HUGE belly. I don't need to adjust how I think. He needs to adjust how he eats! Why is it petty to want to be attracted to your husband?

DH from above: you should tell him this. If it’s true he needs to know, and it’s the best motivation for him. This was clearly true for my DW when I was significantly overweight, but I didn’t clue in and literally not a single person told me to get my act together, which I needed because it’s easy to lose track of due to work pressure and the grind of the day-to-day. I didn’t get it until things got way better after I was in shape. And they got WAY better after I was in shape. Nobody tells men this. I mean be positive — not “you’re an unattractive fat ass” but “I think you’d be sexier with a little bit more muscle” and then positively reinforce progress. Not rocket science.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married 20 years. DH has always struggled with weight due to short stature and genetics. He works out daily, but doesn’t eat great. He’s solid muscle except for a big belly and weight on his face. He’s a physician and works long hours.
I’ve encouraged him to talk to his doctor and get his T checked, which came back fine. I’ve hinted he might want to get on wegovy. He is furious with me and also really hurt. His self esteem is low and he says I’m embarrassed by him.
I know I should be a good person and let it go but I am frustrated by this. First, he has a huge stomach and that’s a big red flag for heart attacks. I worry. Family history of stroke too. Second, it does impact him at both work and socially. He gets discounted or overlooked or dismissed. It’s so sad, but I do think people respect you more if you’re thin. Lastly; it is affecting our sex life. I know I need to adjust how I think, but I’m turned off by the big belly. When he eats food falls on it and sits there. When he’s hugging me his stomach is in the way.
Such petty things for me to worry about. But I mentioned some of this (the health and social impact) and he was FURIOUS with me. Now he’s pulled away emotionally and is saying I’m embarrassed by him. To the point that when we’re at social events he hangs back behind me with a hound dog look and doesn’t engage with people he used to talk to. Which makes me sad but also angry. So I’ve hurt him and been selfish and I guess I should have just kept quiet. How do I fix this??

DH here: fwiw, i don’t think tough love of this nature is bad. It’s not that hard for men to lose weight and whatever short term challenges it may cause will be well worth it when he gets this fixed. I wish my DW had done this for me when I became overweight vs. my having to figure out how bad it had gotten and address years later. Denial is a powerful thing. So long as you are messaging your love for him too, it’s ok IMO to tell him to get his physical act together. More men should.

Completely agree. I was an overweight DH about five years ago. My wife sat me down and bluntly said "you need to lose some weight, it is making you less attractive and you need to stop sacrificing your health for your career." I appreciated the the honesty and attacked the weight issue as a problem to be solved, which I did.

Also, OP's husband is a physician, and should be capable of having an honest conversation about being fat.

Also

Exactly- it’s ok to give constructive criticism especially in face of health.

DP. I agree with this re: health. But the OP did not stick to health and health alone. She added concerns that her DH's weight is harming him socially. Of course he now feels like he's an embarrassment to her, out in public, nd he's hurt and angry. While he's being rather childish about how he's expressing it (at least as OP describes things)--it's understandable that making it about "social" appearances was entirely wrong of OP, and also unveils some possibly damaging attitudes she might have about appearances. She needs to apologize to him for bringing in "social" (translation: you embarrass me) stuff, and examine what value she herself puts on appearances -- while also working with her DH to lose weight for his health's sake.

[Anonymous]

I was fat husband. Now I'm less fat ex-husband. My ex wife was fat when we married and I was average. Twenty years later, that was reversed. Our sex life ended. I think my weight gain was an effect, not a cause, of this.

Post -divorce, I had no trouble dating. Many very attractive women wanted to meet and sleep with me. As my sex life and self esteem improved, my weight dropped. The women I've dated have mostly been better looking than my ex wife, but that doesn't change the fact that she really made me feel awful.

It's obvious that some women care a lot about only dating thin or proportional people and some don't care about that much. Men vary the same way. I guess my ex wife couldn't help it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are embarrassed by him. Hence this post. And as you say, sex is an issue.

Don’t be shocked when he chooses to move on. As a physician he can pretty easily find someone new — probably younger—who looks up to him. And when that happens he is going to feel like someone dying in the desert who has finally found water. And you will be served with divorce papers.

Mark my words.

She’ll walk off with half their assets and find a hotter guy.

Exactly. Win for her. No one would tell a man he just needs to suck it up and have sex with a super fat woman he's not attracted to... why are women any different? Especially because weight gain on a man doesn't do ANYTHING positive, unlike with women- there are no bigger boobs, hips, butt to distract yourself with. Just a lose lose all around.