Told my DH to lose weight, it’s affecting everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married 20 years. DH has always struggled with weight due to short stature and genetics. He works out daily, but doesn’t eat great. He’s solid muscle except for a big belly and weight on his face. He’s a physician and works long hours.
I’ve encouraged him to talk to his doctor and get his T checked, which came back fine. I’ve hinted he might want to get on wegovy. He is furious with me and also really hurt. His self esteem is low and he says I’m embarrassed by him.
I know I should be a good person and let it go but I am frustrated by this. First, he has a huge stomach and that’s a big red flag for heart attacks. I worry. Family history of stroke too. Second, it does impact him at both work and socially. He gets discounted or overlooked or dismissed. It’s so sad, but I do think people respect you more if you’re thin. Lastly; it is affecting our sex life. I know I need to adjust how I think, but I’m turned off by the big belly. When he eats food falls on it and sits there. When he’s hugging me his stomach is in the way.
Such petty things for me to worry about. But I mentioned some of this (the health and social impact) and he was FURIOUS with me. Now he’s pulled away emotionally and is saying I’m embarrassed by him. To the point that when we’re at social events he hangs back behind me with a hound dog look and doesn’t engage with people he used to talk to. Which makes me sad but also angry. So I’ve hurt him and been selfish and I guess I should have just kept quiet. How do I fix this??

I had to have this talk with my DH too. I didn't say anything about weight loss drugs but I did couch it in needing to be healthy as we age and I did tell him it was affecting our sex life (and he expected me to be just as enthusiastic.) He was also hurt at first but got over it quickly. His habits have changed a ton, I know he is still sensitive about eating certain things because he has a huge sweet tooth.

FWIW I do NOT think these are petty concerns. I don't think this is much different than a spouse who drinks too much. It does affect our respect for them. In terms of how to handle it going forward I would emphasize the health aspects and the importance of remaining healthy for the future. It sounds like you bruised his ego and he is being a baby about it, so you may have to baby him some. I know this is not attractive either.

It is sad that a man having feelings is still unattractive. You are perpetuating toxic masculinity there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’d like to just accept him as he is and move on. But our sex life is dead. And that really matters to me.

He sounds depressed, honestly.

Wouldn't you be if the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally keeps putting you down?

Sometimes people need to hear the truth and not be coddled. Short term pain for sure but better in the long run, IMO.

Yep, what we all look for in a spouse. Someone to kick us when we're down.

[Anonymous]

You are embarrassed by him. Hence this post. And as you say, sex is an issue.

Don’t be shocked when he chooses to move on. As a physician he can pretty easily find someone new — probably younger—who looks up to him. And when that happens he is going to feel like someone dying in the desert who has finally found water. And you will be served with divorce papers.

Mark my words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are embarrassed by him. Hence this post. And as you say, sex is an issue.

Don’t be shocked when he chooses to move on. As a physician he can pretty easily find someone new — probably younger—who looks up to him. And when that happens he is going to feel like someone dying in the desert who has finally found water. And you will be served with divorce papers.

Mark my words.

She probably won't care. So win/win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married 20 years. DH has always struggled with weight due to short stature and genetics. He works out daily, but doesn’t eat great. He’s solid muscle except for a big belly and weight on his face. He’s a physician and works long hours.
I’ve encouraged him to talk to his doctor and get his T checked, which came back fine. I’ve hinted he might want to get on wegovy. He is furious with me and also really hurt. His self esteem is low and he says I’m embarrassed by him.
I know I should be a good person and let it go but I am frustrated by this. First, he has a huge stomach and that’s a big red flag for heart attacks. I worry. Family history of stroke too. Second, it does impact him at both work and socially. He gets discounted or overlooked or dismissed. It’s so sad, but I do think people respect you more if you’re thin. Lastly; it is affecting our sex life. I know I need to adjust how I think, but I’m turned off by the big belly. When he eats food falls on it and sits there. When he’s hugging me his stomach is in the way.
Such petty things for me to worry about. But I mentioned some of this (the health and social impact) and he was FURIOUS with me. Now he’s pulled away emotionally and is saying I’m embarrassed by him. To the point that when we’re at social events he hangs back behind me with a hound dog look and doesn’t engage with people he used to talk to. Which makes me sad but also angry. So I’ve hurt him and been selfish and I guess I should have just kept quiet. How do I fix this??

I had to have this talk with my DH too. I didn't say anything about weight loss drugs but I did couch it in needing to be healthy as we age and I did tell him it was affecting our sex life (and he expected me to be just as enthusiastic.) He was also hurt at first but got over it quickly. His habits have changed a ton, I know he is still sensitive about eating certain things because he has a huge sweet tooth.

FWIW I do NOT think these are petty concerns. I don't think this is much different than a spouse who drinks too much. It does affect our respect for them. In terms of how to handle it going forward I would emphasize the health aspects and the importance of remaining healthy for the future. It sounds like you bruised his ego and he is being a baby about it, so you may have to baby him some. I know this is not attractive either.

It is sad that a man having feelings is still unattractive. You are perpetuating toxic masculinity there.

Feelings are one thing, pouting is another.

[Anonymous]

The truth hurts, sometimes, but when it's related to health and financial wellbeing, it's really important to say it.

He'll have to get over himself, OP. I have no sympathy for someone like him. You can apologize for hurting his feelings, but do not apologize for trying to save his life.

[Anonymous]

You have every right to be attracted to the man youre sleeping with. Men who expected women to lie back and think of England while they sleep with a man who is a blob are huge red flags.

[Anonymous]

My DH has a similar build and also works out regularly and is still probably 15-20 lbs overweight. I still find him attractive though - and he knows it, so that helps. I have mentioned the belly fat to him though because it is a major health issue - and that is how I explain it. That I love him and want him to be healthy and he takes it fine, though he's frustrated with himself. Its ok to share health concerns with a spouse, but its everything else that perhaps you need to work on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’d like to just accept him as he is and move on. But our sex life is dead. And that really matters to me.

From your end or his?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’d like to just accept him as he is and move on. But our sex life is dead. And that really matters to me.

He sounds depressed, honestly.

Wouldn't you be if the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally keeps putting you down?

Sometimes people need to hear the truth and not be coddled. Short term pain for sure but better in the long run, IMO.

Yep, what we all look for in a spouse. Someone to kick us when we're down.

I hear women on hear constantly complaining about men leading them on, being the "nice guy" and not having the backbone to speak up. OP spoke up. It's not kicking a man when he's down to tell the truth. It's being honest and not letting him believe that everything is ok. My ex wife did this exact thing. I gained weight, she lost interest, didn't say a peep to me until she wanted a divorce. Would have been much better for us if she said, "yo, fatso. lose some weight, get healthy, be driven, or I'm leaving." That would have jolted me out of my blissful ignorance for sure. Exaggerating for affect, but some nicer variation of that would have worked and possibly saved my marriage. So you say, "kicking him while he's down", I say, "being authenticate" OP you got balls. Bravo.

[Anonymous]

I hear women on here*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has a similar build and also works out regularly and is still probably 15-20 lbs overweight. I still find him attractive though - and he knows it, so that helps. I have mentioned the belly fat to him though because it is a major health issue - and that is how I explain it. That I love him and want him to be healthy and he takes it fine, though he's frustrated with himself. Its ok to share health concerns with a spouse, but its everything else that perhaps you need to work on.

New poster. This, above, is well and kindly phrased.

Listen to it, OP. You already know you blew this whole topic by making it even partially about (1) social/work impact, which you cannot really prove (maybe he perceives no impact on him especially professionally, and isn't that his call and not yours?) and (2) sex. Yes, it does affect how you feel about having sex but you didn't need to say it; on that front, to be blunt, try some new positions.

If you'd stuck to health, especially since he's a doctor, you could have appealed to him on that level only. I would have a sit-down talk with him, apologize profusely for the whole approach you took, admit that you made much of it about your perceptions around people's weight in general and not about him and his health. Ask the question, "How can I fix this?" of him, not us. I do think you should offer to start an exercise and eating program WITH him, both of you doing the same things. I would not institute any charting or insistence on specific weight goals or time frames etc. That might only make him entirely resistant to trying anything new.

I say this as someone whose DH is getting close to retirement and who has developed a belly, which worries me on a health level greatly. I've told him frankly I want him to get healthier and want us both to build more stamina, so we can enjoy a really long retirement together. Weight re: social or professional anything has never once entered my mind.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Sorry typing on phone and autocorrect. "being authentic"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I actually applaud your honesty. It’s the more difficult of the two paths but as someone stated in a different thread, “sometimes it’s better to be cruel than nice.” I’d replace cruel with honest, but you get the gist. If I were your husband, I’d likely react in the same way initially, but then channel that energy into making changes. I’d be cursing you under my breath while I lifted, dieted, ran, etc, but only as a means to push myself. What he shouldn’t do is sulk. He needs to get pissed and use that as motivation. That’s how I’ve gotten oven many many hits to my ego. Fortunately everything you’ve identified as an issue can be changed. The more difficult ego blows are the ones that you can’t change like height or anatomy (although you can compensate).

You need to learn what is/isn't your business, and mind your own, not other people's. Take all that "he should" energy and work on the one person you can (barely) control: yourself.

Nobody has the right to be "brutally honest" about what other people should/shouldn't do with their lives without the other party's consent, which y'all clearly don't have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married 20 years. DH has always struggled with weight due to short stature and genetics. He works out daily, but doesn’t eat great. He’s solid muscle except for a big belly and weight on his face. He’s a physician and works long hours.
I’ve encouraged him to talk to his doctor and get his T checked, which came back fine. I’ve hinted he might want to get on wegovy. He is furious with me and also really hurt. His self esteem is low and he says I’m embarrassed by him.
I know I should be a good person and let it go but I am frustrated by this. First, he has a huge stomach and that’s a big red flag for heart attacks. I worry. Family history of stroke too. Second, it does impact him at both work and socially. He gets discounted or overlooked or dismissed. It’s so sad, but I do think people respect you more if you’re thin. Lastly; it is affecting our sex life. I know I need to adjust how I think, but I’m turned off by the big belly. When he eats food falls on it and sits there. When he’s hugging me his stomach is in the way.
Such petty things for me to worry about. But I mentioned some of this (the health and social impact) and he was FURIOUS with me. Now he’s pulled away emotionally and is saying I’m embarrassed by him. To the point that when we’re at social events he hangs back behind me with a hound dog look and doesn’t engage with people he used to talk to. Which makes me sad but also angry. So I’ve hurt him and been selfish and I guess I should have just kept quiet. How do I fix this??

I had to have this talk with my DH too. I didn't say anything about weight loss drugs but I did couch it in needing to be healthy as we age and I did tell him it was affecting our sex life (and he expected me to be just as enthusiastic.) He was also hurt at first but got over it quickly. His habits have changed a ton, I know he is still sensitive about eating certain things because he has a huge sweet tooth.

FWIW I do NOT think these are petty concerns. I don't think this is much different than a spouse who drinks too much. It does affect our respect for them. In terms of how to handle it going forward I would emphasize the health aspects and the importance of remaining healthy for the future. It sounds like you bruised his ego and he is being a baby about it, so you may have to baby him some. I know this is not attractive either.

It is sad that a man having feelings is still unattractive. You are perpetuating toxic masculinity there.

Right? What a "baby" he's upset when his so-called partner bullies him about his appearance.

Some women seem to forget men are also people. Damn.