Told my DH to lose weight, it’s affecting everything

[Anonymous]

OP, you're a terrible person and a shite partner. Let him go be happy with someone who isn't a micromanaging betch.

Unsolicited advice is criticism, and "hinting" that someone "might want to get on" weight loss drugs is just cruel. You said he's a physician; clearly he's aware of health issues and options. You're not telling him something about himself he doesn't know, but you're saying a LOT about you and how you treat fat people.

YTAH. Unmistakably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You told him he’s not good enough for you. You revealed your love to be conditional. Of course that would effect everything.

This. Seriously, what a betch!

[Anonymous]

He should be walking at the gym instead of lifting weights

[Anonymous]

If my DH was obese we would no longer be sleeping together.

[Anonymous]

My husband said something similar to me, and I was also really hurt. I think it would have helped if he had a real, actionable plan that I could start right then that would change the way he thought about me and my body.
This sort of vague “lose weight” thing is tough. Even if your husband worked at it, it could easily be months or a year before he really lost a significant amount of weight.

You are worried about his health, but it doesn’t sound like he has any health conditions right now, so insurance likely won’t cover Wegovy. Maybe if you came to him with a plan on how to get a prescription for it and how to pay for it, that would be more helpful. And maybe if you agreed to pack his lunches every day so that he didn’t have to go to the hospital cafeteria. Or you agreed to be happier about his body as long as he was making progress and not just when he got to some kind of goal that you have for him, that would help.

I don’t know. This all seems mean, OP.

[Anonymous]

But...you are embarrassed by him, yes? So regardless of the words you used, he saw through to that and he was hurt. Of course he was.

[Anonymous]

Off topic, but I’m reminded of what my husband said when I went on Wegovy — “hou look beautiful, I love you and you don’t need to do this if that’s why. But I know you want to go on it for you and I’ll support you.”

Yeah, try that tack and get the f- up over yourself, OP. You’re the problem, not him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’d like to just accept him as he is and move on. But our sex life is dead. And that really matters to me.

Telling your partner that you don’t find them attractive and that you think they are underperforming at work and in your social life seems like about the worst way I can think of to work on your sex life.

I’m surprised that you thought this would help.

I’m guessing that you don’t have a lot of friends, OP, and you get into conflicts at work and can’t figure out why. Do you think it’s possible that your difficulty figuring out how to connect with people and inadvertently making people feel uncomfortable or ashamed is affecting your social life or professional life?
Maybe you could work on your own stuff instead of just pushing your husband to work on his.

[Anonymous]

Wow if so many of us married men regular gym attendees moderate to non drinkers diet conscious spoke this way about our wives wow.

There are a lot us. A lot of DWs are not only overweight but a few are obese. But if course women have a repertoire of excuses they can cling on to. It's a minefield for a lot married men. If your wife is fat just shut your mouth.

[Anonymous]

Op, I actually applaud your honesty. It’s the more difficult of the two paths but as someone stated in a different thread, “sometimes it’s better to be cruel than nice.” I’d replace cruel with honest, but you get the gist. If I were your husband, I’d likely react in the same way initially, but then channel that energy into making changes. I’d be cursing you under my breath while I lifted, dieted, ran, etc, but only as a means to push myself. What he shouldn’t do is sulk. He needs to get pissed and use that as motivation. That’s how I’ve gotten oven many many hits to my ego. Fortunately everything you’ve identified as an issue can be changed. The more difficult ego blows are the ones that you can’t change like height or anatomy (although you can compensate).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’d like to just accept him as he is and move on. But our sex life is dead. And that really matters to me.

He sounds depressed, honestly.

Wouldn't you be if the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally keeps putting you down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’d like to just accept him as he is and move on. But our sex life is dead. And that really matters to me.

He sounds depressed, honestly.

Wouldn't you be if the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally keeps putting you down?

Sometimes people need to hear the truth and not be coddled. Short term pain for sure but better in the long run, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Imagine if OP was the DHs 🤣

We will here the standard list of reasons managing household, kids, cleaning, cooking, Dr appointments, vacation planning and managing my own job so yeah that's why I am fat cause I have a busy life taking care of everyone

Don't mind that OP's husband is a physician. He has so much free time and should be in great shape and always ready to f**k me the way I want it

Unfortunately for OP's husband she is probably too expensive to divorce. But for her, he may be good to divorce. There are financial incentives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married 20 years. DH has always struggled with weight due to short stature and genetics. He works out daily, but doesn’t eat great. He’s solid muscle except for a big belly and weight on his face. He’s a physician and works long hours.
I’ve encouraged him to talk to his doctor and get his T checked, which came back fine. I’ve hinted he might want to get on wegovy. He is furious with me and also really hurt. His self esteem is low and he says I’m embarrassed by him.
I know I should be a good person and let it go but I am frustrated by this. First, he has a huge stomach and that’s a big red flag for heart attacks. I worry. Family history of stroke too. Second, it does impact him at both work and socially. He gets discounted or overlooked or dismissed. It’s so sad, but I do think people respect you more if you’re thin. Lastly; it is affecting our sex life. I know I need to adjust how I think, but I’m turned off by the big belly. When he eats food falls on it and sits there. When he’s hugging me his stomach is in the way.
Such petty things for me to worry about. But I mentioned some of this (the health and social impact) and he was FURIOUS with me. Now he’s pulled away emotionally and is saying I’m embarrassed by him. To the point that when we’re at social events he hangs back behind me with a hound dog look and doesn’t engage with people he used to talk to. Which makes me sad but also angry. So I’ve hurt him and been selfish and I guess I should have just kept quiet. How do I fix this??

I had to have this talk with my DH too. I didn't say anything about weight loss drugs but I did couch it in needing to be healthy as we age and I did tell him it was affecting our sex life (and he expected me to be just as enthusiastic.) He was also hurt at first but got over it quickly. His habits have changed a ton, I know he is still sensitive about eating certain things because he has a huge sweet tooth.

FWIW I do NOT think these are petty concerns. I don't think this is much different than a spouse who drinks too much. It does affect our respect for them. In terms of how to handle it going forward I would emphasize the health aspects and the importance of remaining healthy for the future. It sounds like you bruised his ego and he is being a baby about it, so you may have to baby him some. I know this is not attractive either.

[Anonymous]

OP let it go on too long. If I put on 15 lbs I start seeing healthy snacks around the house and wife asks me to go on walks after dinner.

But an enormous belly sounds like 30-40 lbs and wife didn’t make her desires known.