Need advice from moms who work long hours at very demanding jobs

[Anonymous]

How much do you make and how much does your husband make?

[Anonymous]

Parenting happens by putting in the hours. Yes you can outsource drives but it’s during the drives that you have the deep talks with your kids or you eavesdrop on them with their friends to get a sense of who your kid is and what emotional needs they might have. Yes you can outsource the cooking but kids will not be nostalgic for your meals after they move away. You can’t have three kids and work those long hours unless you actually don’t value them as your offspring, in which case yes you can go ahead and outsource the whole enterprise.

I scaled back my work considerably when I realized how much time parenting takes (and that DH wasn’t going to be much help). It wasn’t planned and of course I’ve been miserable about it. My kids are now headed to college and I’ve ramped up my career a lot but my career is nowhere near what it would have been without kids. I wish I could have had a 120% career but I wouldn’t have been able to handle the guilt over shortchanging my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parenting happens by putting in the hours. Yes you can outsource drives but it’s during the drives that you have the deep talks with your kids or you eavesdrop on them with their friends to get a sense of who your kid is and what emotional needs they might have. Yes you can outsource the cooking but kids will not be nostalgic for your meals after they move away. You can’t have three kids and work those long hours unless you actually don’t value them as your offspring, in which case yes you can go ahead and outsource the whole enterprise.

I scaled back my work considerably when I realized how much time parenting takes (and that DH wasn’t going to be much help). It wasn’t planned and of course I’ve been miserable about it. My kids are now headed to college and I’ve ramped up my career a lot but my career is nowhere near what it would have been without kids. I wish I could have had a 120% career but I wouldn’t have been able to handle the guilt over shortchanging my kids.

Agree with above. The most important and valuable parts of my parenting occurred in the smaller, unpredictable moments between my kids and me. It is the reality of how it works out and in the end. now with my children off to college, I see this even more clearly.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mom, self-employed, make 150k, we live in a modest house. I take my kids to school every morning. I am home to make dinner in the evenings. I am off on weekends and holidays.

I used to work 12 hour shifts, holidays, and be on call some weekends. I was miserable.

I'm not sure that having both parents in high-powered jobs is sustainable. I could certainly work a lot more and take on more clients, but I would burn out quickly. I vote for looking for a job with more reasonable hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much do you make and how much does your husband make?

250k each

[Anonymous]

You either need to give the nanny/housekeeper a raise and add some responsibilities to their task list or you need to hire a service like Yohana to take care of your personal things.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you need to learn how to delegate at work. How many people work for you and what do you do that you can ask them to do?

Are you a micromanager? If so, learn not to be. Make sure you have people on your staff that you can trust. I only spot check deliverables because I trust my managers for example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about that day you WFH? Are you in live, mandatory contact with your office for 12 hours straight? Probably not. Can you rearrange those WFH hours so that you pick up the kids from school and go to the park, then get back to work later?

How much of your time is independent/movable around in your schedule? Are those 2 hours back online in the evening independent prep for the next day, overflow, overachievement, FOMO, imposter syndrome? Could you substitute 2 hours of actual, required office work for that uncompensated overtime and leave the office at 5 every day? When you work through lunch, is that because you are behind, or for some other reason? Can you take that lunch at the end of the day instead?

Making dinner yourself isn't all that: eating it with your kids is more important, so have someone else meal-prep and you rewarm. Get the kids involved in activities where you all participate (think things like collaborative music for tiny kids, Cub Scouting or family soccer for older ones, volunteering for teens) so that extracurricular and learning time comes with bonus time feeling good as a family. Pick some small thing that "your" thing for each kid and stick to it: one kid has breakfast "coffee" with you, another one comes with to walk the dog, another one is your errand buddy, so that they all get alone time with you, and it doesn't have to wait until the weekends.

Do not (do not, do not) guilt yourself over PTA meetings and things like that. If work is this demanding, your kids deserve you to stay the heck away from those kinds of things right now.

And finally, if mornings aren't quality time for your family and no one has to get to school super early, take that family time in the evenings, keep the kids up a little later, and let them sleep in after you leave in the morning. 10pm to 8am is still 10 hours of sleep if it works in your household schedule, and you are not getting quality adult leisure time in the evenings after kid bedtime anyway. Might be better/easier to get yourself out the door in the morning while the kids are still in bed and enjoy their company for longer when you get home. Incremental family time on weekdays will let you feel more tuned in to your kids and make the weekends less of an exhausting exercise in overcompensation.

Getting the kids in activities that the whole family participates in doesn't sound realistic past early elementary school. Kids develop their own interests (as they should). If your kid shows talent and passion for a sport (or whatever else) are you really going to tell them they can't do it because it's not something the rest of the family does?

[Anonymous]

There’s this quote that I see often that goes “no one on their deathbed has ever said ‘I wish I had worked more’” but I bet many have said “I wish I had spent more time with my kids.”

But you do you OP. You know what’s best for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Guilt? Guilt shouldn't be part of this. The family will adjust. It won't be the same, but that doesn't mean it won't be ok (this coming from a SAHM for all of my kid's lives ... but my parents and my growing-up sound more like what you describe)

Your kids will be proud of you for your important role at work. It's not that career success is perceived as more important than being at home, it's just different. You need to give it way longer than 3 months. I think two years. Since you sought this job, there was a reason.

Guard against this ~ too often the mind uses "but I feel guilty" to draw sympathy. Own your decisions. You don't get brownie points for feeling guilty - because then you actually increase the burden on others, especially your family - because now, they also, have to nurture you and reassure you. Don't do that. You're taking-up too much oxygen in the room, far more than your share.


Your kids will be proud of you for your important role at work. It's not that career success is perceived as more important than being at home, it's just different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much do you make and how much does your husband make?

250k each

If this is OP that is not enough money to miss out on raising your kids.

[Anonymous]

You can have it all, but you can’t have it all at once.

I was a big law partner and had my 1 child as an old mom after I made partner. I moved to govt work and yes took a large pay cut but it is 9-5, downtime during the day to do life admin stuff and very generous leave policies. I have gotten promoted a few time and now make more than I ever thought I would here. I did the big law stuff, the wining and dining, the sleepless nights, the trials that consumed me. And I was paid well for it - I saved all that money. I’m pretty happy with my life now however. I could not have done it with a kid (even 1 kid).

I don’t know what industry op is in and if there is a way to keep your feet wet and then go back to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You CANNOT have it all. They gave us a list of lies.

+1. I left the demanding job and am so grateful I did and got to spend more time with my three kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much do you make and how much does your husband make?

250k each

If this is OP that is not enough money to miss out on raising your kids.

I have to agree with this as well. My DH makes $500k and I make $150K. He sees our kids more than OP is saying she sees her kids.

My sister makes $800K and her husband makes $400K. They are both super involved with their kids lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parenting happens by putting in the hours. Yes you can outsource drives but it’s during the drives that you have the deep talks with your kids or you eavesdrop on them with their friends to get a sense of who your kid is and what emotional needs they might have. Yes you can outsource the cooking but kids will not be nostalgic for your meals after they move away. You can’t have three kids and work those long hours unless you actually don’t value them as your offspring, in which case yes you can go ahead and outsource the whole enterprise.

I scaled back my work considerably when I realized how much time parenting takes (and that DH wasn’t going to be much help). It wasn’t planned and of course I’ve been miserable about it. My kids are now headed to college and I’ve ramped up my career a lot but my career is nowhere near what it would have been without kids. I wish I could have had a 120% career but I wouldn’t have been able to handle the guilt over shortchanging my kids.

Or you can live walking distance to activities, or in a city, and obviate the need for mom to sacrifice her career so she can be a driver. There is nothing magical about driving nor is it an essential part of parenting.

I also have late HS abd college kids and realize that some of the job sacrifices I made to spend more time with them were probably not a good idea. They would benefit a lot now (and in the future) from us having more money, and I would benefit from having a higher powered and more interesting career. I understand why I did it — guilt like the guilt doled out on this thread is partly why — but it’s not clear cut to me.